Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “writer”

I’ve Learned; Non-Judgemental

I released all judgements

left them behind

for another time

for me to find.

All judgements

started racing through my mind.

One by one

they were released

into the abyss.

No longer judgemental

just a memory

in my mind

of how things used to be,

I never could overcome me.

Now when I see you

I won’t judge

I’ll see everything

but the bad

turn your flaws into gold,

With this

it was clear,

things are never

as they appear.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

Song; You Can’t Do to Me What You Did to Them

lyrics

You can’t do to me
what you did to them
no you can’t do to me
what you did to them

not like I
didn’t try to help
I sat alone
you went
and weaved your web

I never wanted to feel so alone
not even they
can stop me now
the way it was…

have bad thoughts
now they’re God
and
I touched you with my hands
my hands
I thought I smashed you
with my God damned hands
my hands…

no you can’t do to me
what you did to them
no you can’t do to me
what you did to them

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

More Music

lyrics
Falling in and out
falling in and out
falling in and out with me

what can I say
I didn’t even mean that
when I say
I hate you
but man I still say it
i still say it

Falling in and out
falling in and out
falling in and out with you

Here we are
again and again
I’m gonna break these chains
I hope I see you again

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

Once Upon a time
in a world far away
there was a girl
who loved everything
she just didn’t know it yet

In another world
lived a boy
who would love her
if only she knew

slipping away
far away
to his world
is where I wanna be
lost forever
far away from here

I wanna fly with you
adventures galore
that’s what I’m looking for
to take the pain away
to never hate again.

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned; Writer

I started writing more confidently when I realized suddenly one day that my writing did not have to be anything other than what I thought. I did not have to sit with pen and paper and come up with big words and deep complex stories. All I needed to do was simply write what I had already in me and ever since then i never thought my writing was pointless and I never wrote with the intentions of being good enough for other people to like it. I did not have to be anything other than me and that realization set me free. I realized I was already a writer I just hadn’t shared it with anyone yet. I was a writer the minute I knew how to write and learned the alphabet. All I had to do was write because I’m complex enough.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Introduction; Breathing in Space

Start of a short story I wrote about being able to breath in space


He was considered an intelligent man yet he could not quite put his finger on what he was about to attempt. He went through years of training but could not quite grasp the meaning behind this mission. He sat quietly on the porch with his full attention focused on the stars. He was breathing shallow breathes into his lungs while trying not to let his anxiety take over. He knew he was small but could never quite accept we are all small. He studied the universe and all of its mysteries but he could not quite wrap his finger around his anxiety encompassing his soon to be mission. He prepared for a journey but he had not yet pictured it as a reality. All of his dreams were coming true in just a few hours but yet he felt unfulfilled. He felt numb and void of any earthly attachment. The moment was sinking in that soon he would never be the same. He knew that this moment is why he pursued this as his career in life. Ever since he was a young child he knew what he wanted to be. He knew it sounded cliché but that didn’t stop him from realizing its potential. Besides, he was most likely doing it for a far more different reason than any other young boy. Every night he would look up at the stars and wonder with all of his youthful imagination could conjure up. Nights that would consist of wars in space, spaceships moving at the speed of light, dying stars forming black holes and nebulas, constellations constantly being renamed by the scientist Harvey Monroe.
Meanwhile, he was not sure what it was yet, but something inside him that night was making him feel uneasy. He had trained vigorously for years. Not only with his nose in books but also physically tested to his limits. He was a man who had been tailored to fit NASA’s standards. He went with the program and was ready to apply all that he learned. He was a handsome man, yet something about him gave him an approachable look. Maybe it was his light brown eyes that always lit up whether he was just entering a room or in deep thought. Maybe it was his gentle nature and his ability to make you feel at ease. But tonight he did not feel at ease. All of his research could not prepare him for what he was about to embark on. It could be his first adventure or his last adventure. He knew this, but still he did not think twice about being the first. In his mind, he was the first in many categories. He was the first to earn a (scientific award). His summers were spent at the university in the city or at the public library. He attended (university) where he graduated with a degree in (). He attended conferences and seminars by the most pronounced figures in the field. He was open-minded and always tested his and others’ logic. He didn’t settle for answers just because someone else said it. He came to his own conclusions. That to him was a great accomplishment and a first not only in his studies but with his family and community in which he came from.
Tonight he sat on the very porch in which he was raised. He never felt ashamed of where he came from but growing up on that farm with such a wondrous view above him made the twenty acre farm seem so small. He never felt burdened by the chores he was given because it was in those times that he made the most out of his situation. He kept a telescope on the hill he had purchased at a local thrift shop owned by his only friend at the time, Leo, who kept it especially for him. It was dropped off anonymously one morning along with a radio, microphone, and some other pieces of random objects. On Harvey’s 8th birthday Leo surprised him with it. Leo would tell Harvey, “You never know until you see it!” Sometimes Leo was more excited than Harvey. With every finding or new discovery Randy would make sure and tell Leo the very next day. Leo would always listen with good intent only encouraging him to come back with more news, always leaving Harvey with his message “You never know unless you see it!” Although Harvey was not discovering anything new, it was new to Harvey and that is all that mattered at the time. He had only seen it in books until now. Leo became Harvey’s closest friend.
It became hard for him to have close friends around this age because he was always off in his own universe. His former friends were now throwing baseballs and jumping fences( ). Although he still saw them at school he was still always in his own world. His father, distant yet well adjusted(description( did not support his decision as his father felt he needed to learn the way of the farm. Although Randy had exceptional grades and test scores for his age, his father’s values did not sit well with the idea of his pursuing an education. His father had always meant well but he was set in his stubborn ways and would eventually support him. So Harvey kept things quiet and Leo became the one person he could rely on. His passion ran so deep that he was willing to live a discrete life without friends or family recognition. Harvey’s mother, attentive yet calm(description) secretly knew what he was up to but thought of it as a necessary escape for a child. Every once in a while when she knew what Harvey had come back from doing she would smile slightly with the warmest heart felt touch.
Eventually, he could not settle for living as though it was the only place he would be for the rest of his life. He thought if the creation above him exists then he wanted to know everything about it. What is it? At first it started with the imagination of a child but as he grew to learn more and more he realized that his imagination was not far from the truth. It wasn’t only the curiosity that was soothed through his time star gazing, but the feeling it gave him. Most people get the feeling of being so small in such a large spectrum, but not Harvey. He felt more alive and hopeful looking up than he would ever feel in his entire life. It was the feeling he felt and the knowing that he had to answer his questions that kept his moving forward with each unanswered question. Even so he knew what it was like to have ideas rejected because they seemed so ridiculous to the minds that create our science books. He considered that maybe that may be playing a part in his unease tonight. He was going up there to prove something to everyone who had ever said his ideas were absurd out of fear of being rejected by the scientific community. Randy was not afraid of rejection, he was afraid of the truth being rejected. He learned a long time ago after numerous failed attempts to suggest possible theories to keep them quiet. Ultimately he knew he would not be taken seriously if he did not admit fault and pretend to forfeit his ideas. He saved them all up to only add significant detail to each and prove the theory to be stronger and stronger. Not surprisingly, he was saving his most shocking idea for this mission. His one chance to finally put them all to the test was approaching and he was only filled with ecstasy, yet there was one subtle question lurking and making its way to his thoughts fast.
He spent many nights on that very same porch searching for answers but tonight he was not getting the answer he wanted. He may be doubting himself which he had every reason to. Other men have gone before him but not to his specific destination. A place only thought of as an afterthought until recently. Although his research appeared to be flawless and logical there was always that chance that everything may not be what it seems after all. He always kept this in mind and nevertheless, he needed to base his findings on the reality in which he was given. What if he got up there and everything he ever knew ceased to be true? What if different rules applied up there? What if everything he or anyone ever discovered down here on earth was abandoned as illusions in space? These questions lingered as he tried to quiet his mind. He needed all the mental capability he could muster right now. He realized it would only get him in trouble as it had done so many times in the past with his peers and professors. So he put those questions to rest as he realized his night was coming to an end. Tomorrow he would become someone different but stay the same. He longed for this moment but as the moment came is as fast as it went. Tired from letting his imagination run rampant as if he was that little boy again starring out into space as he had on that very same porch, he realized how far he had come. As he closed his eyes alongside a deep breathe, he saw earth from afar as if sitting on the moon instead of his porch, while his vision remained intact he only had to readjust his eyesight a couple times before coming to terms with the realization that he was in space, as if waking up early in the morning, and that was enough for Harvey and he was put at ease.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012.

I’ve Learned; Think for Yourself

wrote this about two years ago (2012) about a terrible job I had – but that terrible job led me to start this blog well it eventually spiraled into the project I dreamed of. So, thanks, terrible job. Hope this helps those feelings.


If This is Any Indication….
So here I am, feeling the need to write a blog. I chose this one for obvious reasons, it was number one when I searched Google to find a blog to begin with. And needless to say, everyone wants to be the popular kid at school………………………………………………………………..Oh sorry, I got caught up in why in the world I said that last sentence. That is not a good way to introduce myself to the world of blogging, but after much deliberation, I think it will stay. When choosing this blog I trusted Google to lead the way because I wanted the most popular blog to be my decision. It isn’t a political statement of any sort and yet, it bothers me that I had to choose the number 1 blog site. Not to mention, Google is biased to the question, is it not? Anyways, when are we not doing what the crowd is doing? When are we ever thinking for ourselves? How many times a day do you question things? Not just what you are having for breakfast or what you will wear. I am talking about the questions that arise throughout the day where you hear yourself silencing the questions due to the fact that you know, if you continued to let those thoughts and questions spiral, you would not get anything done that day. At work, how many times do you think to yourself how differently things would be done if only you were in charge. How many times do you question why you aren’t the one in charge? You know you could be (and should be hehe). It’s human and the sign of a born leader. Yet, we go about our daily lives, like robots and hope for a raise and recognition that maybe our boss notices our hard work. We continue to put our own thinking in the back seat in order to better other people’s lives when we could be bettering ourselves instead. Now, I do not mean this negatively. I do not mean that it is not a good thing to work for someone else and let them do the thinking, because after all it is their business, and you should respect that. What I am saying, though, is it is not a good thing to forget that you can think for yourself in the process. We sometimes find every excuse in the book not to, but it is possible. Most, likely it may even be appreciated. Unless you are constantly in situations with severely mentally ill people, which could very likely be the case. Anyway, if this isn’t random enough writing for you, I am sure it can get worse. Or better. We will see.


So as another day came to an end at the office, my boss made a comment after a long day of what would be considered a good day that accompanied some work day jokery. The comment was “you know where thinking for yourself will get you.” At the moment I couldn’t help but to laugh because I know his sense of humor is a little skewed. Yet right away I began to reflect on why he would say such a thing. Although, it is true, in a world like ours, that those who may have ever thought for themselves and failed, have had bad experiences. Yet, that is exactly why it irritated me so much. Just because you have had one bad experience that led you to believe thinking for yourself means failure, does not mean that it is useless or better yet, a bad idea to try again.
We live in a world where we operate as slaves to be blunt. Anyone who thinks for themselves is instantly and sometimes harshly rejected. Which leads us to better adapting the next time, and going with the crowd, in order to avoid humiliation. Why are we, as a society so easily embarrassed? So easily mortified at the idea that what we have to say (or accidentally do) could be laughed at or that our ideas are pointless. We cannot stand rejection, even if in our right mind, we know there is nothing wrong with having a mind of our own. Yet we go about our lives in this manner and sell our souls to people that would toss you in the trash without hesitation, if they were to think you were in any form a threat to their reality.
So, why is thinking for yourself not a good thing? Because we might tune in to the fact that the ones who feel threatened by it have gave their lives in order to have power, but yet are ignorant to the most important aspects of human life. They feel ashamed.
Have you ever noticed when someone in your close proximity feels one thing, they automatically expect you to feel it too? Like somehow if their internal dialogue is saying one thing then you just have to be feeling or saying it too? No one wants to feel inferior or intimated. Yet that is exactly how we want others to feel. When the other person whom we want to feel bad, miraculously does not feel bad or ashamed (which is a projection of themselves onto that person) we automatically find ways to manipulate or hurt them.
Society has created this never ending cycle of malicious intent. We don’t feel good enough so why is that bitch feeling good about herself? MUST BRING THEM DOWN TO MY LEVEL. Sorry about all the misplaced pronouns but if you are worried about that then you are missing the bigger picture and should move on to a more accepted form of writing. Because you won’t find that here, because there are far more worse things to judge myself about then pronouns. Like the fact that I rely on a calculator because society has taught us that being smart is not a good thing. Hence, projection! at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. Anyways, that is another question to be answered another time.
So what started as a joke led to this question: So why is it a bad thing to think for ourselves? Because you might threaten someone else’s reality. So stop caring about distorting their reality when you need to keep your reality intact. Don’t bend your truth for their lies. Oh, and keep thinking for yourself. It will never lead you down the wrong path. Maybe it will lead you down a path that you may have long forgotten or a path of hell. But once you get past that hell (now don’t go thinking that hell has anything to do with fire, it is more a chance that you will experience a reality collapse of your own but…) you will no longer be asleep to the fact that thinking for yourself is the greatest gift we possess. Now, if only you can apply it. Good Luck.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Goodbye to the Past

written in 2010


You’ve asked for my forgiveness a million times before
Although you weren’t deserving
I thought that you loved me, I thought that you cared
But really it was an illusion.
I smack myself daily as a reminder of the truth
I turned my head in an opposite direction
And let the rest come down to strength

Now the time has come for mending
There’s no drinking down the pain
Or swallowing my soul
I’m going to do it sober
I need the clarity

In the past I have loved you until my belly ached
This time I observed closely and saw what i had feared
All judgment was absent and my mind brand new
In the end I was reminded why they say
Don’t live in the past
And that was all done by you
Thank you

Such a waste of flesh
Mind body and soul
Such a waste of light
You could have been so bright

Okay….

How do I get my head around this
With so much contempt and absence left
How do I mend with such a heavy heart
I never could play the part
Remember when I made you smile
Remember how I made you laugh
In your deepest sorrows
My voice echoed through your veins
And with every misfortune
I gave you my hand
I said the world is cruel and unkind
but what if I was meant to make it shine ?
if not for me than for you
because I don’t believe in anything
if that isn’t true
you said when I was gone
you dreamt of me every night
you’d wake up and think I was by your side
but upon that awakening you were struck with disappointment
to know that I had gone a long time ago
you said you felt me in your arms and that it felt so real
and I just smiled at you and let the silence fill the air/do the talking
maybe all I can be to you is a dream as lucid as it seemed
dreams are what drive the human mind/we long for
so if I were yours you’d have nothing left to dream
as reflection crept near as it has done so many times before
I can’t honestly say
? must it be so late on this clock dangling on the wall ?
I never dreamt of you at all…

and that was a lie because

I did dream of someone.


I cried and said I never kissed anyone the way I kiss him
The tissue kept dry and my tears I wouldn’t hide
My brain began over riding my feelings months ago
Like a ticking bomb
Red or Blue, I could not choose
Life or death hung in the balance
But it was different because it was only my life
And that life I could spare.


Key to my heart

Along the thick grass and wild flowers
Along the trail of our desire
We lured each other at a steady but distant pace
You told me to watch out for a dip in the earth
And I let you protect my balance
As if I didn’t know how
We ventured along the sea of open meadows
As we see the silhouettes of our bodies from the night before
Pressing down the tall grass temporarily
I was dizzy but focused on the stars
The moon was perched next to us lighting up our little lives
I told you I could touch it but it would hide
You told me that you had me and I didn’t believe you
But today our view was of a town quiet
Landscapes of a past present and future
we entered an old house and found treasures of a lost soul
abandoned and desolate, scattered and torn
you asked me if you had my heart and I said I didn’t know
I locked up the key and threw it out a long time ago
I said if you found a key then you can have my heart
You took my words as truth and among the sea of abandonment
You found a key I had not seen
A place I thought I gazed with my wandering eyes
Complacent we stood, a little surprised
I never imagined the look in our eyes
And we were certain it meant something real
A concrete object in the palm of my hands
Something I could grasp
To justify the what ifs and goodbyes
We walked out over the boards with protruding nails
Into the meadow we retraced our steps
Halfway back we had no reason to doubt
and gave into a kiss that would validate our capture


we never asked ourselves if the key fit
and it didn’t fit
and it didn’t fit
truth is there’s a billion keys out there
we were naïve to think it was the key to my heart
but that moment in time kept me alive and hopeful, keeping me in touch with life to keep finding what I was looking for, whatever that may be.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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