Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “thoughts”

Thoughts on life

Thoughts of Life
All the screaming and the fighting
all the never being good enough
has left a heavy burden on my stomach.
All the I love you’s and the I hate you’s
all the “I’m sorries” and forgiving
has corrupted my image of love.
All the lies and the lies I thought were truths
all the letdowns and pretending to be fine
have caught up to my blistered soul.
All the feelings I keep inside and the times I’d look but wouldn’t answer the phone
All the silence and nights alone
have weighed me down far too long.
All the crazy thoughts and all the magical thoughts
all the tossing and turning and nights without sleep thanks to those thoughts.
All the blurred faces lacking empathy and the damaging insults
all the ones that have turned their backs
have allowed me to know it’s ok, I don’t need them.
All the distance and the ones I let get away
and all the walls I have built along the way.
All the knowing and not knowing
all the contradictions of my existence
have caught up to my fouled up mind.
All the laughter and fake smiles
and the hatred I spent on others.
All the lonliness and no one to turn to
all the pain I didn’t want to hide but had to
can be blamed for the lack of healing.
All the thoughts of suicide and watching my face go pale
all the desperate attempts that have failed
has let me catch a glimpse of death, and I’ll never go back.

 

(copyright kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written in 2006.

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I’ve Learned; Me

I know that I must have and here is the fruition. All my labors have manifested into harmony. My anxiety has quieted. I noticed now it only comes when I dissect my thoughts and worry. I am so good at making things worse than they are because hey, maybe I had too much fun. I need not to beat myself up anymore. It is okay to be happy. That was my journey. To know it’s okay to be happy. I have sabotaged myself with unhealthy relationships, by turning a blind eye to it. Sure, I think I am helping, but all it did was hurt me. I let each and every one of them do it. But yet I came out fine. You can’t help people who want to use you. I can’t do this to myself anymore. But with each one I come closer to knowing what I want. Hey! There’s a thought. I never knew I could choose what I wanted, I always let them choose me. I know what I want and I will have the courage to get it. It’s so silly. I took the long road. I am different. This society is backwards, and they labeled me backwards. I need to write more, like I used to. I used to amaze myself from the words that came out. Now if only I could get back there. I’ve always been the same. I’ve always been that little kid. Because I have less to take away and more to gain. I can now shape myself into who I want to be. I know who that is now. I am funny, smart, caring, and outgoing. I am not shy but I’m working on letting my guard go and learning when to use it. I am learning to be more open to everyone, but that is who I am. I am pretty and I make funny faces. I am a natural. I love myself. I hated myself. The choices I had made led me to failure, but I was being too hard on myself. Due to some belief system I had formed. My road led me here though, what more can I ask for. Since I was a little girl sitting in my room all alone I dreamed of this day to come. I want that little girl to be proud of me. There is no reason why I should have to succumb myself into the transparent self-destructive ways of those I have loved. It is so complex. But it isn’t me. I know I can write about it, at least

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)..

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

I’ve Learned; Remember

If I remember everything

can I leave this prison?

Now I’m ready

all I wanted

was a house in the country

where I couldn’t hear

anyone’s thoughts

but my own.

All I wanted

was to share my words

it’s now or never

and I’m getting ready.

I claim to love Earth

but not lately

I can’t stand what I’m seeing

what I’m hearing

and believing.

When will the false words stop

when will I be separated

from this place

you destroyed my home

murdered me

then stole all my belongings

but not this time

this time I’m ready

ready to take back

what is mine.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Angel

It’s like we all have a master

to claim our soul

when we’re feeling down

they hold us up

on the verge of a breakdown

they reveal themselves

if you take away your ability to think

you take away their communication

and maybe we all have masters

to show us our way

to help us along

you were wearing a red dress

and your wings were big and white

you let me see you

in a picture I did not take.

Maybe they look after us

through dreams and stories

after all I’ve been through

you showed me what’s true.

You came into the pit of my stomach

to make me feel all the pain

not just mine but other’s as well

there’s so much pain here

and it’s not mine to carry

it makes me too weary

so I go to you

my master…

my angel.

There I can fly

and move objects with my mind

tackling those who wield a false sword

staying true to the word

there I will learn

because it’s my turn.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

Think Happy Thoughts: A Short Story from the Subconscious

She stood at the end of the road with thoughts of you. She never quite got it right. It wasn’t until later when she would realize all of this was happening. No one quite got it and that is what she feared. Although some could, but would never admit it. They like their shells and wouldn’t come out any time soon. So she thought maybe she would walk farther, but wasn’t sure what you would think. She picked up a leaf that looked quite strange. It radiated green, orange, and red colors. Almost tied-dyed, if a leaf could ever be. That’s why she picked it up because she noticed things like that. She didn’t realize that wasn’t supposed to happen. She carried it with her and gazed down towards the trees. She thought the trees gave her oxygen and that they controlled us with that. The thought of something that wasn’t real but could be scared her. Why aren’t they superior? She thought, as she let out a little cough. She knew no one that could answer that question or even lead her in the right direction. So she kept walking and she could never quite get it right. You popped up again in her mind, only this time it had changed. Pleasant thoughts turned to unpleasant thoughts. Surreal memories turned to erased images. She tried to piece it together, the nights you were there. She didn’t know where they went, only that they had gone. She wished they were there, but knew she had used them up. Dissecting thoughts is the way it expands. She longed for expression, in the simplest forms; though she never quite got it right. She came to a dead end, but made it something more. Looking around, glad no one was around. It’s you and me she thought. She picked up a rock, shaped much like a heart. She wanted to show it, but had no one to show it to. This threw her off guard, why she didn’t know. So she was happy to have found it, but only wished she could have shared it. So she kept it and turned around, and continued in the opposite direction. As she walked back from where she came from, a relapse occurred. Thoughts of you settled in her mind. Who are you? She thought, as a drop of rain crashed on her forehead. She had no protection, but she didn’t care. We were meant to feel the rain, meant to breathe this air. As she looked up at the sky, she of coursed asked why. Now these days aren’t so bad, with all its abundance. She kept her pace, and continued to where she started. She dreamed of the day someone could answer these questions. To know she wouldn’t drown in her thoughts. Now the road got narrow and the trees taller. The sun got hotter, the rain fewer, and the night much quieter. She wishes the feeling would stay longer. It’s expected, but still she waited. The thoughts slowly faded and took you with them. She wandered towards the beginning and she took a look back. Something she told herself she would never do. She turned her head around, and stepped into a place she had to go. She left all the thoughts behind her. For once she got it right.

-written in 2008, Think Happy Thoughts.

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

Revelations

I have had writer’s block for some time now. I always take that as a sign I do not wish to discover my inner most thoughts as what I might find will possibly shock my being. There is nothing to complain about and nothing to be happy about all at the same time. I feel I have discovered my ability to just be. To adapt and accept. To acknowledge my flaws and weaknesses and accept all that I can. The past year has been a selfish one and has allowed me to know that it’s okay. I have learned that I come first. I always had focused on the external and never the internal which would explain the pain I had been in and the choices I had made. When I woke up to the fact I never cared about myself as much as I had cared about others I felt betrayed. The betrayal was only towards myself but I found a way to blame everyone around me. I saw every little hurt and lie and made sure everyone knew about it. I was in pain and therefore everyone else who had ever hurt me even if they didn’t know it would feel it too. A little late I’d say, because every memory that had been repressed came to surface like an immense declaration of all that is wrong with the world. I can’t say I went crazy but I can say I woke up.

I spent about two year in seclusion in which I was able to release a lot of pain. Pain i didn’t even knew exisited. I learned that the only way to really heal is to feel. I had walls that couldn’t even compare to any structure on earth. I realized that maybe it’s okay to have walls but to think of them as transparent walls. It is a good balance. I realized that what I hated about other people and the world existed in me. It lingered in my head and once it was found, it made it’s presence known. I fought with demons that weren’t even mine. I absorbed them all. All I know is that I came through on the other side.

This is important due to the fact that I asked for this. I asked to heal and didn’t know what that even meant. I found out though and now that it is mostly over, I feel like something is missing. So this is life without the pain and need to feel sorry for myself. When I look around and see things just as they should be I often don’t feel deserving. I know that I worked for this but sometimes the truth is hard to handle. I’ve learned so much and all my delusions have shattered. I’ve learned that what really matters and possibly the only thing that truly matters in life are friends and family.
After discovering who I truly was and wanted, I realized I had been depriving myself of the very things I had cared about and needed. Some twisted sense of self sabotage always breathing down my back. And it was invisible, a force that alludes even the most observational. Funny the gifts you are born with are also the curses you live with. The mind will do anything to stay the same. It will fight until you are in the fetal position gasping for air and almost sure you will never pull through. I’ve learned that it starts with understanding. You cannot change something until you understand it. Once you understand it then you may begin to see what exactly it is you were searching for.

What I found could not have been more surreal. They say fact is stranger than fiction. They also say you cannot defeat your enemy unless you understand them first. This is where empathy comes into play. Empathy has and continues to be a gift yet manipulator. But empathy deserves a blog of its own and that is a story that will be told another time.

I read and read and read and wrote and wrote and wrote. I dreamed and had nightmares while sleeping and awake. I discovered all that makes us human and how we are all the same but express ourselves differently. I’ve learned that everything that happens to you affects you in some way and it’s recognizing exactly what that is that helps you discover what to change. I’ve learned that birth is the most traumatic thing you can go through and makes me wonder why the hell we are all complaining. I’ve learned parents shape who you are but you still have a choice. I’ve learned that I could have made the same mistakes they did. I’ve learned nothing, at one point, that ever happened to me was my fault. I’ve learned I am a very adapted and mature adult.

I’ve learned that no matter what life throws at me I still endure with my values in tact. Although they are constantly changing the more I learn, I still seem to come out the better person. It’s too easy for others to treat others badly due to something brewing in themselves. I’ve learned that I can change the way i react to it, mostly with sympathy and compassion. I’ve put myself in their shoes, a little too much at times, and realized I still have a choice in how to respond. I’ve learned not to blame myself for how others treat me. I’ve learned I was an easy target but that’s only because people mistake kindness for weakness. I’ve learned that I don’t shine as bright as I may, in order to not make others feel insecure or let them get what they want. by not creating waves so to speak. That is my latest discovery and that must change. It’s almost automatic, I make a really good impression and I notice another’s reaction and instantly my fire is out. In my mind I am making them feel better and in reality it does more harm then good. In the end it makes you look crazy and others see you as condescending instead of thoughtful. That must stop. If I feel good and awesome then damn it I can’t control how it makes other feels. But it’s hilarious to me that the moment I feel down or weak it never fails that people will pile more on you instead of just asking if everything’s okay.

Anyway, I’ve learned the animal kingdom is brutal and maybe I’ve evolved past that indefinitely. I’ve always felt I was never like that anyway. My search for why still continues, but I know more now than yesterday and that is all I can ask for. Sometimes when I get caught up in life instead of my internal search, I feel lost. I feel I must constantly be searching and learning. I’ve learned it’s ok to put that on hold and live life with my new found truths in tact. I’ve learned once I learned something and completely understand it, then I apply it simply and automatically. I will never be the same as I was yesterday and that is good enough for me.

I’ve learned that we are capable of anything within our unique bubble of existence and the answers will come to you. I once said that I feel like I ask the questions but the answer always come when I stop listening. That isn’t the case anymore. I recognize the answers now and it’s up to me to accept them. The cycle will continue unless you actively seek to change it with your actions. And I know the old you will fight til the death but I’ve also discovered there’s nothing to win. With grace and pure intent anything is possible.

I’ve also learned I will never be anything other than what I am and I’m okay with that. Everything is as it should be in an almost perfect balance. I’ve realized I want deep and meaningful relationships and they come in the most unexpected packages. I’ve learned that I’m secure in who I am and who I choose to spend my time with. I’m no longer afraid of a crowded room because I have myself if all else fails. I do not need others to fill a void any longer. And that makes me happy.

As I wrap up my overview, I can’t help but want to keep typing until my whole mind is on this page. This blog is intended to share what I have learned and possibly help me along the way. I love to write, in the form of free writing, and usually wouldn’t share unless it was someone I thought I was helping or could trust with what it is I was meaning. This is also intended to help me tear down some more walls and become more transparent. I have so much to share and so much to give. And so much inside of me. As I know we all do. I also would like to keep up with this as a tool to take some time out occasionally and reflect somewhere other than my journal. Should be a fun adventure!!

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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