When you first find out, you are angry. Not just with all those who have hurt you but also with the all lies it unravels. From the microcosm to the macrocosm you are are angry with it all. Then you feel you must do something. That it is your place in the world to do something, drastic, right now. Warn everyone! Agree with conspiracies because you can’t cope. It hits you hard, like a movie that just became real. You get all this intense energy flowing through you and don’t know where to place it all. After all those years of sensing something was amiss, you finally were proven right. But at first you feel you are the only one. So you try to spread the word to as many people as possible. You search for others. You notice things you never noticed before. You get confused on what is important and what isn’t because you fall and become full of pride but that doesn’t last long. Because there was always reminders to lead you back. Then you realize that this might affect your survival and perhaps there is another way. You realize it’s best to keep it to yourself. You may isolate and learn more that way. People will think you are crazy and therefore be cut off from the very things you need to survive – human contact, social structure, community, and money. So you then begin to see that you need to play it cool. You need to know but act like you don’t know. That is how you make a difference at first. You become an actor. But soon enough you won’t even care because you will have understanding. You will understand everything with such clarity that lets you coast into the next stage which is integration. Integration of who you really are and who they say you are. You become who you are meant to be. Just a little bit more each time. You start to use your own words, your own ideas. You will then begin to live it. Just be it. That is what it feels like. It feels like an urgency at first but then slowly you begin to realize it was something you knew all along. You always knew it but stayed in your comfortable illusion while knowing it would never get you anywhere. Mostly to survive in your environment. Then you realize that you did survive your environment and if you could do that then you can do anything. You notice that it is rare to not be effected by your environment, to hold onto hope. To not become like them. To know that something else is out there. Something better for you. Something waiting on you. Something inside you. You always saw the pointlessness in your world before but yet the structure had a strong grip. Then you begin to break free from that grip. You become familiar with the fetal position. But you muster all that you can and you don’t stop until you have the facts. Even then, you never stop searching. You never stop questioning. But you survive. You create a balance. But you can handle it. You falter occasionally but never give up. Because you begin to realize that the problem exists in you first. Our world is because of the human condition. You begin to see it in everything. All around you. You get thrown into situations that highlight this on magnitude levels. The way people are because of what they are feeling on the inside and how it is a direct reflection of the outside. You gaze a little more up at the night sky. Then you begin to notice that you too, are human. After thinking that you didn’t belong here or you must not be human, you really see that you are. Just having a different experience and outcome. You realize that in order to change our outer world, we must change who we are at the core first. Only then are we able to make a difference. You realize you aren’t really angry and that nothing needs to be done right now like shouting from the rooftops to get everyone’s attention, to wake them up. You think you are angry because you feel betrayed. But then you realize you were only betraying yourself and you can’t live with being angry at yourself. So you learn forgiveness and you learn to forgive yourself. You do this through emotional alchemy because you realize it causes harm to us all otherwise. You bring up all the darkness buried inside of you and embrace it because you can no longer deny or repress it. You accept it as a part of you but you do not let it control you. Anger transmutes into gratitude and that becomes key. You learn more about your dreams and happiness and make it happen. You come to the most profound conclusion and experience that you are worthy and you didn’t even know that you thought you weren’t. This strikes up great passion that laid dormant for a long time. Which leads you to find out just who it is that you really are. Which leads to unconditional love for who you really are. Which becomes unconditional love for others. You take responsibility for the past and continue to do so into the future. It is up to you. You realize that people will not listen to you anyway, no matter how much you care. You notice everyone comes through at their own time and only if and when they want to. You accept everyone for where they are at. Especially yourself. You find out we are all connected in this way. Then…….
You realize if you heal yourself, you heal the world. Then the real adventure begins. And it never really ends. All you need to do is remember because it will be so easy to forget. You do, indeed exist for this reason. ❤
(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)