Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “the past”

I’ve Learned; Goodbye to the Past

written in 2010


You’ve asked for my forgiveness a million times before
Although you weren’t deserving
I thought that you loved me, I thought that you cared
But really it was an illusion.
I smack myself daily as a reminder of the truth
I turned my head in an opposite direction
And let the rest come down to strength

Now the time has come for mending
There’s no drinking down the pain
Or swallowing my soul
I’m going to do it sober
I need the clarity

In the past I have loved you until my belly ached
This time I observed closely and saw what i had feared
All judgment was absent and my mind brand new
In the end I was reminded why they say
Don’t live in the past
And that was all done by you
Thank you

Such a waste of flesh
Mind body and soul
Such a waste of light
You could have been so bright

Okay….

How do I get my head around this
With so much contempt and absence left
How do I mend with such a heavy heart
I never could play the part
Remember when I made you smile
Remember how I made you laugh
In your deepest sorrows
My voice echoed through your veins
And with every misfortune
I gave you my hand
I said the world is cruel and unkind
but what if I was meant to make it shine ?
if not for me than for you
because I don’t believe in anything
if that isn’t true
you said when I was gone
you dreamt of me every night
you’d wake up and think I was by your side
but upon that awakening you were struck with disappointment
to know that I had gone a long time ago
you said you felt me in your arms and that it felt so real
and I just smiled at you and let the silence fill the air/do the talking
maybe all I can be to you is a dream as lucid as it seemed
dreams are what drive the human mind/we long for
so if I were yours you’d have nothing left to dream
as reflection crept near as it has done so many times before
I can’t honestly say
? must it be so late on this clock dangling on the wall ?
I never dreamt of you at all…

and that was a lie because

I did dream of someone.


I cried and said I never kissed anyone the way I kiss him
The tissue kept dry and my tears I wouldn’t hide
My brain began over riding my feelings months ago
Like a ticking bomb
Red or Blue, I could not choose
Life or death hung in the balance
But it was different because it was only my life
And that life I could spare.


Key to my heart

Along the thick grass and wild flowers
Along the trail of our desire
We lured each other at a steady but distant pace
You told me to watch out for a dip in the earth
And I let you protect my balance
As if I didn’t know how
We ventured along the sea of open meadows
As we see the silhouettes of our bodies from the night before
Pressing down the tall grass temporarily
I was dizzy but focused on the stars
The moon was perched next to us lighting up our little lives
I told you I could touch it but it would hide
You told me that you had me and I didn’t believe you
But today our view was of a town quiet
Landscapes of a past present and future
we entered an old house and found treasures of a lost soul
abandoned and desolate, scattered and torn
you asked me if you had my heart and I said I didn’t know
I locked up the key and threw it out a long time ago
I said if you found a key then you can have my heart
You took my words as truth and among the sea of abandonment
You found a key I had not seen
A place I thought I gazed with my wandering eyes
Complacent we stood, a little surprised
I never imagined the look in our eyes
And we were certain it meant something real
A concrete object in the palm of my hands
Something I could grasp
To justify the what ifs and goodbyes
We walked out over the boards with protruding nails
Into the meadow we retraced our steps
Halfway back we had no reason to doubt
and gave into a kiss that would validate our capture


we never asked ourselves if the key fit
and it didn’t fit
and it didn’t fit
truth is there’s a billion keys out there
we were naïve to think it was the key to my heart
but that moment in time kept me alive and hopeful, keeping me in touch with life to keep finding what I was looking for, whatever that may be.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

What I’ve Learned About Memories; A View

 

We can’t erase our memories unless of course for some of the reasons that they can be but we shouldn’t wish we could erase the memories of the past wrong doings of others put upon you, any traumatic event that was out of your control or anything about us. Instead, we should learn to forget how it made us feel. Most likely they are false memories anyway, probably twisted with coping mechanisms. Or real memories that seem false. So who is to say those memories are true to begin with? If they are false memories then the feelings we associated with them aren’t real either. Feelings we fight with to begin with are because we struggle to understand or cope at the time of the experience. Instead we forge grudges, resentments, false accusations, misunderstandings, projections, all kinds of things to get us through the next day in order not to face in ourselves what it was that is really going on. Feelings can be healed so if we recognize where those feelings came from in the first place. The core of the experience or memory, then we can see more clearly as to why we react a certain way in the present due to past situations. That’s the illusion. For example, feelings from being hurt by love; but if that so called ‘love’ wasn’t really love or wasn’t really mutual, then it wasn’t really love and it doesn’t warrant the hurt we cause ourselves and the memories we see as better than they actually were just because at one point you felt great love for that person. From being hurt we hold false beliefs until we realize what we felt wasn’t actually real at all but a collection feelings we thought we had because our memories tell us so. We can’t erase our memories but we can understand them in order to realize they aren’t such a burden after all. If we can see more clearly, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, then we can see that sometimes our feelings weren’t about that person at all! So, in conclusion, and in short, I have learned it is a waste of time to think that if our memories could somehow be manipulated we would somehow be happy and you name it. But I’d like to keep all of me and on the way I’ve found this. Real memories are easier to distinguish from false ones or pieces. That’s why families are great because we all remember different pieces that make the whole. It’s hard work but possible. I don’t always remember what I have learned but it’s complicated. Another thing I’ve learned, resentments and revenge are a waste of time because of the past and that is a whole other topic for another time, but trust me. I’ve learned to let go of control, so I will elaborate on each topic in another post because I need to let go of control to explain everything and leave this post about memories. 😉

Overall, I think if we stop focusing on trying to change the past and the memories associated with negative belief systems growing up, trauma, pain, anything we wish didn’t happen or don’t like. Instead we need to face those feelings as they come and realize we can change the way we feel by acknowledging the fact that it isn’t the past anymore, then go to the core of the problem so that the next time you can react different and eventually the negative feelings associated with a memory won’t be an issue. I guess this is what you find out when you can look back at all the heart ache, pain, and trauma, with a way that says, you were wrong without hurting yourself by trying to act on those past memories then feelings, if they are even true at all! Because it only hurts you when you warrant revenge instead of taking responsibility for your feelings and where they come from.That is when you know you are getting somewhere, and that is far.

If you get rid of any unpleasant or uncomfortable memory then how will you know how good it feels when the past actually makes sense? When the past comes around full circle to show you that it wasn’t all in vain. When it becomes a part of you and no longer a catalyst for pain. When you become an adult, and a change you wish to see in the world. (Thanks Buddha). The memory is also good for remembering the right words! And how will you ever know when all you ever wanted, despite the pain, makes an appearance? Will you even take notice? Take notice of the new that is being integrated into your life? I’d rather have my life instead of the ignorance of a new one.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

the day after I wrote this, my horoscope had lyrics from this song relating to memories and the ability to free myself from images and feelings that I no longer wish to be troubled by. How appropriate….so i shall leave you with them. ❤

“Our romance won’t end on a sorrowful note
Though by tomorrow you’re gone
The song has ended but as the song writer wrote
The melody lingers on
They may take you from me
I’ll miss your fond caress
But though they take you from me
I’ll still possess

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No no they can’t take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you changed my life
No no they can’t take that away from me

We may never never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Still I’ll always always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced ’til three
The way you changed my life
No no they can’t take that away from me
No they can’t take that away from me”

-Gershwin Ira

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