Because every time I do it, I get this excruciating reminding of how alone I really am. Not lonely just alone and it stays with me for days. I can’t shake it but I can’t just stop either. It consumes me for days and it’s not exactly regret or I wouldn’t have done it but it’s the reminder of what it’s like to be so close to a person, connected like that. Something I took for granted when I did have it even if it was with the wrong people. You just don’t know how much you miss something until you taste it again. Or how much you long to connect and be so close to a person because it’s the only thing we really have. And I now have nothing. Maybe that is the feeling knowing it wasn’t really mine but just for that moment in time. Knowing nothing good can come from it or anything with substance and that is why I feel so empty. Because I keep doing it. When I want something more, quite the opposite.
Why do I let it consume me for days after? Why does it matter so much? Because I feel like I betrayed myself to the mundane actions we humans succumb to. I want more, but sometimes it feels that is all I’ll ever have. I just want one, only one.
(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). on being the other woman.