Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “self discovery”

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned Not to Get Attached to Connections

Attachment leads to suffering.

One of the most significant and profound occurrences that can be experienced on earth are the connections you make with another human being. Sometimes it’s a quick exchange and other times it is a timeless friendship, a deeper understanding. Whatever the case, it is important to not become attached to those connections. I’ve learned people come and go and will continue to do so for as long as you live. It’s a morbid thought and quite literal when you add the death factor to the equation but nonetheless it is a reality we must have the capacity to cope with. It’s undoubtedly human nature to want to connect with another. Sometimes we just go about it all wrong because it’s not understood what it really means to connect. ¬†Sometimes it can be recognized by a feeling, a smile, or glance. But you know when it happens every time it does. Sometimes it is mutual and sometimes it is not.

We’ve all had those relationships in which these instances have emerged. One instance being that maybe you are so afraid to lose someone you think somehow you can control the outcome, thus control the other person. The thought of losing them is equivalent to the aura of death. It resembles not only a physical death but also an emotional death of an idea and all the hopes and love you had shared. It may feel like a waste and you may feel you need to cash in on all that time you spent on them. This is selfish thinking. You cannot control another person no matter how much you want them to make things easier on you.

I’ve learned that those connections are the one thing in life that lets you know you are not alone and that there is meaning behind all the losing and pain. The pain is associated with attachment in which all these ideas you held so tightly aren’t manifesting into reality. It’s disappointing but I’ve learned that it is always okay in the end. Somehow I always manage to move forward trying to do better. I’ve learned that real love for a person comes when you can let go and trust that things happen as they should. I’ve learned to let go no matter how much it hurts to do so.

I’ve learned I never really have loved.

I’ve learned that comes with understanding you cannot control other people no matter how you feel. I’ve learned to enjoy the time you have with the people you connect with and move forward with anticipation for the next meeting while maintaining the knowing people come and go. I once learned that connections are all we have in this world that really means anything, then I realized you must not get attached to those connections. The best you can do is give all you can while in the moment and receive as well. Receiving is giving.¬†You cannot give anything without being open to receiving, whether it is love, friendship, or an acquaintance.

Sometimes I think it is healthier to leave a person’s company and not miss them so much rather then miss them the whole time. I think that is saying you are missing something in yourself in which only the person you are missing can fill. If you are not missing anything internally there wouldn’t be a reason to miss someone so much as you would trust that when you meet again things start right back up where they left off. And it can happen without feeling upset and lonely when they aren’t around. Our memories should suffice in order to crave any “missing” that we may have. Think about all the reasons the person makes you happy, then smile and move on with your day.

It all will become a memory, anyway.

Overall, I’ve learned that the connections we make with others is all we have but the important thing to learn is not to get attached to these connections. That is key because attachment leads to suffering and pain. I’ve learned when you say I love you and hold attachments, then that is not really love. The way you really love someone is if you can just as easily let them go as it is to love them. You cannot control others or the choices they make. If you truly love someone you’ll know because even though you miss them like hell, you’re okay with just letting it be because those moments of connection are enough to get you by. I’ve learned that it’s not healthy to miss someone so much and to place a person on a pedestal with illusions and projections as to how you want them to be. I’ve learned I always see the best in people and sometimes they can’t live up to that all the time. It’s easy to project those feelings onto others but all it does is tear down your self worth. It can tear away at your insides and make you feel hollow. It can eat away at you and make you feel that person took something of yours like your will to live. But if you gave it away so easily and freely, you can get it back.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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