I don’t think I am ever really lost or get lost. I more or less just run away. All this time I thought I was lost and couldn’t understand or how it happened or what I could do to stop it. But then I realized all I had to do was quit running. Quit running from myself, my true self. Quit not living up to my potential in order to prevent myself being revealed to me more and more. I can’t just pick and choose when I want to be myself. I can’t keep unconsciously yet purposely finding distractions in order to create madness in my life so that I can escape my excruciating purpose. I’ve got to stop running. There is nothing chasing me anymore. What I am running from can never be out ran because it exists inside me, it is me. And I’m not going anywhere no matter how fast I run or how far or how long or with who. I’m only delaying the inevitable. My true self will always prevail no matter how defiant I become, and I need to accept this. The real me got tired of chasing and tired of warning this person I’ve become. I mustn’t keep running. Sometimes I stop running and turn around, I really do. But I have the tendency to turn back and find a reason to run again. But next time I won’t be so lucky, I may just keep running and if I approach a cliff I’d automatically be willing to jump. If I make it that far there is no hope I’d ever come back. And then there’s no chance I can stop running or reconnect with my true self. I’d have left this world some person I am not all because I couldn’t handle all that I really am in this world where it seems my kind are extinct. All that I am made and meant to do, and I’ve always known this. I know I must do it. It’s clear I have no choice. I must stop running. When I am my true self I just have to reach the edge of the cliff just to see but I know I must stop and turn around and start walking back. The running is over and there is no where else to run. Do I keep running over the ledge or will I turn around? I will always run to the ledge but now it is only I who can stop me from falling. It is only me alone, who can call me back. It is only me who looks over the edge but know I must walk back. I look because I have to. But I do not wish to fall anymore. I come to the conclusion that is not who I really am. So my running is over. And there won’t be a next time. When I get back to where I started from, I will realize I can only keep moving forward and if I look back I will know I’ve stop running a long time ago.
(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).