Throughout my journey I have had trouble realizing all it means to be human. As if I wasn’t human at all but someone on the outside of the spectrum. Someone who didn’t understand human behavior. Someone who at least questions it instead of just accepting what it meant to be human. I would separate myself from all it meant to be human just in order to accommodate my confusion. Feelings were as foreign to me as the realization that I wasn’t feeling at all. I had built a wall, higher than any structure I could imagine on earth. I began to see it all around me. Repressed emotions in order to survive. Everyone afraid to express things in a healthy manner in order to not face what it is they were actually feeling. The bigger picture I was missing was this – I did not know how to express myself.
It took me some time to catch on to the fact that we need to feel in order to heal. If you have experienced any trauma/negative life experiences in life, especially at an early age, we tend to build walls. I specifically remember building mine. I built mine on the basis that it would protect me from being transparent or with a bit of imagination involved, it protected me from others who could see through me. From visitors in which I would rather protect myself against. I built it on one of those nights where thoughts ran rampant. I was lying in bed one night as a child and started to picture my wall. I built it with bricks. I visualized brick after brick after brick until I had my fortress. Then I could instantly retrieve that wall at anytime, visually. I came to the point to where I allowed myself to manifest this wall fast. I will never forget that.
This memory did not resurface until a few years ago. I began to question why I remember that so vividly, because I had not pictured my brick wall in a long time. I had, in reality, built this wall in which I was only understanding through songs and life now. That wall was still there though, clinging to my existence without my knowledge. I was remembering because it was time to use that wall again. Except this time, I knew it was time to tear it down also.
This topic of building walls is something we all tend to do. I just happened to remember doing it and knowing I didn’t want it anymore. I came to conclusion that it is okay to have walls, but perhaps let them become transparent walls, at least. Walls made of glass instead of brick. It was no longer useful or a method in which I could hold onto any longer. I was facing a dilemma at that time in which my memory helped me with the answer. It may just be a metaphor in songs, but it is a real thing that happens to us all. How many bricks will you add?
Then I began to wonder why I had gone through the trouble that night, as a child, to even build such a thing? It came naturally, almost like i knew it was an option. I had options as to how high I wanted it. I could even chose the materials in which I would built it. I chose every last detail, including how fast I could use it. Every so often, this visual would come to mind, especially when I felt like what I was thinking could be used against me. And that’s just it, it was a defense mechanism. If they didn’t know what I was feeling, then they could never use it against me, hence the wall.
Now, what made this resurface last in life is that I was in a situation in which I felt even my thoughts were being used against me. Day in and day out, it felt like 1984 by George Orwell, in the midst of these people I was around. Then, I remembered the wall. I would visualize this wall when I felt my space was being invaded. To my surprise, it worked. They had no ammo to use against me. I realized I had developed this technique for situations like these. Situations in which I could not handle the intrusion others were placing on me. Intrusions on my freedom of expression. I began to really focus on my thoughts. What were they using against me? What was I realizing about them? Why did this situation have any significance? Could I trust my feelings? I realized I wasn’t in control of my own mind or feelings because I never acknowledged them or anyone else’s there. I would ignore them to survive. Then I questioned if they were even my feelings at all? As I was picking up on other’s feelings as well, there. I’ve learned to distinguish my mind from others. I’ve learned if you are not in control of your mind, then it is easy for another person to be. I’ve learned it’s okay to have a wall and in situations like this becomes handy as defense mechanism. I’ve learned it is better to naturally have transparent walls in most cases, though. It’s okay to have a wall as weapon only when needed especially if people around you are vicious enough to use anything against you. So, a wall is more like a pocket knife and used seldom. Because soon you can be equipped with the knowledge that it is okay to express yourself and doing anything different is harmful.
I’ve learned the defense mechanism, such as building walls was also what leads to repressed emotions and feelings. Feelings that need to be expressed but if it became uncomfortable, then surely I could use the brick wall. I had no idea just how much harm this was causing. My intentions when I was younger to build the wall was okay at that time, because I really did need something like that in order to cope and excel through life, but it is no longer relevant or needed.
I’ve learned that all the energy I spent not facing my feelings does not just disappear. They will linger and wait for you to feel and express them appropriately, or not. They do not dissipate or pretend it never happened. They will re-surface and cause confusion if not addressed properly. First, with understanding and second, readily applying that knowledge, we can overcome many many years of repressed emotions. You will first need to conquer having empathy for yourself, and that is a story that shall be told another time. But it is important because you will need that. You will need to be able to have the same empathy you acknowledge for others as you will need this for yourself in any situation where you have to face uncomfortable territory. You will also need to put your thoughts to rest through this process also, as they may contort your reality of the emotional situation. And live in the present with this new knowledge, instead of dwelling on the past. These past emotions will arise but it’s who you are now that matters.
When it comes to expressing these feelings, it’s rather important we do so with this knowledge and understanding and empathy intact first. But if that doesn’t happen, which is what happened to me, then sometimes these feelings will come out unhealthy and sometimes healthy, as well. When I say healthy, I do not mean to define it in any sense. But when I say healthy, I mean what is in your best interest and everyone else’s. I’ve learned that if you are not aware of any repressed feelings from the past then before you know it, it can destroy you, but nonetheless, they have to be felt. That is where a lot of confusion takes place, because you can’t possibly understand what is happening and therefore, never know what it is you are feeling or healing in the first place. You will use distractions and anything to numb the presence of these feelings lurking around you as if you know somethings there, but you would rather keep up the charade instead.
It takes courage and patience to process and face these situations. It is something that must be done in order to heal. First you need a form of release, whether it be music,movies,art, whatever moves you. The things that move you are actually the catalyst for this emotional alchemy to occur. We need a conduit that inspires us to have these feelings resurface. Then we need to have the awareness to recognize what we are feeling from the experiences. If it brings up anything from the spectrum of all emotions, then you will know you are getting somewhere. I’ve learned music is an awesome emotional thermometer. Pretty soon that song that used to make you sad, will no longer make you cry. And that is how you know you are getting somewhere positive.
Once these feelings come to the surface, then they are exposed and have to be expressed. This takes time, so make sure you have plenty of it and it’s not something you can do if other things are occupying your mind. It is something that must have dedicated time assigned to it, at first. Once these feelings come to the surface, you can chose to express them in a way you see fit. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like dancing, dance. If you feel like singing, sing. If you feel like talking, talk. If you feel angry, suicidal, depressed, or homicidal, then these feelings may pass, but it’s best to get professional help if that is the case. Sometimes, we aren’t going to be prepared for what we find so outside help is a must if these feelings do not subside after they have been released.
The whole point is to release them right away through this process in order for them to be gone for good. So if there is any concern, professional help is needed or at least talk to someone. Anyway, we must face what it is that has wounded us and evoke it to come to the fore front of your existence and face it, no matter what it is. Through this process, we heal just what it was that was weighing us down. Through the process of feelings these emotions, something magical happens. We no longer have to live with these repressed emotions, and the burden will be gone. There may be some residue after the initial releasing, but soon you’ll notice you don’t feel the same way about a particular song, or whatever it was that helped you anymore. It will only be a memory, the most concrete memory of a feeling you’ll ever know. And soon, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. You see things clearly and truthfully.
It’s easy to think that we can build walls and rely on our strength/stubbornness, but when it comes to our emotional body and past experience, we need to learn that these things must be expressed. I wonder if only we could value this as a society and at an early age, just how much different would the world be? With the understanding that feelings are in reality, real, but they do not have to control us. And if they do control us, we must learn to navigate our own spectrum of emotional turmoil/experiences. They do not define who you are. It only means you have had the courage in the past to open up your heart in a world that says it isn’t okay. To show expression on your face when the world says it is a sign of weakness. To give with the best of your ability in a world that only looks after themselves. Some people will say, “oh, that’s just the way the world is,” and I that is the one sentence I cannot fathom. It’s just how they accepted it to be and decided to make themselves a part of it to survive because that is what came naturally to them. But what if it doesn’t come naturally to be like that? What if your nature is the opposite?
Do not be too hard on yourself throughout the whole process. Remember, it is not a sign of weakness to release repressed emotions, but actually a sign of healing and tremendous strength. I’ve learned feeling is healing. I’ve learned the very feelings that need to be released, are the very feelings that are destroying us. I’ve learned they will destroy you, but you can always fight back. I’ve learned it is okay to do so in a world that says it’s a weakness. I’ve learned it is exactly what needs to be done in order to survive, not the opposite. I’ve learned no matter the name of emotion, if you can’t express it properly, it will destroy you instead. The best you can do is not ignore, but confront. So in the end, you are only hurting yourself, not protecting yourself if you conform to what the world says you should be like when it comes to expression.
Overall, I’ve learned that if you do not let out any emotion you feel especially love, it will become almost the opposite. If you are learning to love yourself and have not done your homework to the truth behind that idea, then instead it will only destroy you. If you don’t let this energy flow through you naturally and be expressed, then the energy has to go somewhere. I’ve learned to let these things go and have their way.
(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).