Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “past”

I’ve Learned You Can’t Change the Past

Throughout our lives we tend to repeat cycles. These cycles consist of patterns we have formed early in life and continue to do so as we live. Unless we become aware of what it is that we are doing and why, these cycles will continue. You must look deep within to find the root of the problem and where it stems from and then seek solutions that are much more fitting to the person who you’ve grown into. If we don’t allow ourselves to grow with life, our growth becomes stunted and therefore we keep repeating cycles and may never know why.

Sometimes, we even go as far as trying to change the past in present situations. For example, if as a child you felt like you did not recieve the love from a parent that you should have, you will continue to choose people to love who do not love you back in order to try to change the past by making them love you. You think if only this person who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved, would just love me, then you will feel validated and all the wrongs of the past can be corrected. I’ve learned this does not work at all. It will only end in heartbreak, just as it did as a child.

I’ve learned you cannot change people. You cannot change the past by trying to use the present to do so. It can become a viscous, endless, cycle and you will miss out on the right opportunities for love and acceptance by trying to find it through people who just aren’t able to give it to you. It may start out as an unconscious act but after numerous failed attempts, you start to notice something isn’t right. How many times can you go through the same motions with the same type of people before you start to question if it is maybe something you are doing wrong instead of the other people. Of course they hurt you but it was your decision that allowed it to happen.

I’ve learned you must go to the root of the problem. I began to ask myself where did it all begin? Why do I try to change people? Why do I pick people who I mean nothing to? Why do they mean so much to me? How can I do something different? I began to delve deep into why I was doing what I was doing. I picked people who were always emotionally unavailable and distant. They would gain my love and then use it against me. I was always the other woman. The girl who could be taken advantage of and placed on the back burner. I began to want more. I realized how detrimental it was to my mental health. After, a relationship in which I was abused constantly, I woke up. After that, it seemed little by little I was getting better. Each new relationship was just a little less severe than the last. I still wasn’t getting it right. I still haven’t today. The difference between then and now is that I am aware and have made the necessary changes and have witnessed tremendous growth in my reaction to my decisions. I no longer fear rejection and no longer care about people who do not care about me. I simply do not put up with it.

I’ve learned that there was a solution and I was going to work hard to achieve it any way possible. I’ve learned I was repeating a cycle that was carried with me from childhood. I knew I had to change. I was no longer the victim but instead I took responsibility for my choices and began to see I deserved to be treated right. It was almost like a game I would play but I didn’t realize I was losing every time. I always felt I did some good or touched those people in a way that they had never had before. But even if I did make some kind of impact on their lives, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter, because they still would never care or become what they were not. I began to see that I had never surrounded myself with good people because I was trying to change the past.

I’ve learned that really nothing we do is really at the heart of other people’s actions. Other people’s actions have nothing to do with our choices but more so our emotions and the weight of them we have carried with us and our reactions to them at the time. I’ve learned we are judged by our emotions also. Because a lot of our choices are driven by our emotions at the time because we bring emotional baggage into the present so we are also misrepresenting ourselves by not sorting through the past and getting it confused with the present.

Anyway, when I realized what I was doing it set the stage for change. I knew what I wanted and that wasn’t it. It was masochistic behavior and after I began to love and care for myself I saw that I didn’t want to do that anymore. In life, I had healed a lot of the destructive relationships that started this cycle in the first place. When I began to see that the people I thought hurt me as a child were human and I was capable of making the same mistakes, I realized it was nothing personal. The hurt they caused had nothing to do with me but everything to do with themselves, and what they were going through at the time. The most important thing I’ve learned is not to take things personal or distort them internally as something that was my fault. You cannot blame yourself for other people’s actions. They almost never have to do with you. It’s so easy to fall into that trap especially if you love them and are empathetic towards them.

Now, I no longer try to change the past. If I recognize I’m going through a similar situation I back out before it becomes something worse. I do not keep going if I get that impending doom feeling like I am repeating the cycle. I do get a feeling each time and become a little disappointed but I have learned to be patient with myself. At least I am recognizing it and finding a solution as soon as possible instead of continuing to repeat the cycle. This is relevant with all relationships with anyone close to me. You may be surprised to find that those closest to you, such as family members, will catch on to the fact that you aren’t putting up with the same nonsense and notice you react different to them and if they really love you they will support you and those are the exceptions, because they will change for you enough because it’s almost like you send out a ripple effect and if they really want you in their lives then they too, will start to react different and that is the only thing you can change, which happens in the present. And that is if you are lucky enough to be really loved by those closest to you. Not everyone will be capable of this so it can be futile. But After I realized not to take things personal, I then learned that I had a choice in how I reacted to it. Most of the time, I would have enough respect for myself to not put myself in that situation with that person ever again. And sometimes I would ignore it and hop on board as if it’s one last attempt to change the past as if I’m participating in a research project. In the end the conclusion is always the same and leads to feelings of regret and foolishness. Now I recognize the pattern and no longer indulge when I know that I shouldn’t. Although, you have to get to know people, but it’s important after you find out that they are in the category of what you have been repeating then it is time to end it. You must do something different the next time. It is okay to falter. It is okay to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same empathy you give those people and tell yourself no matter what happens, it will be okay. Use the trust you have built for yourself by not continuing the cycle and use that for future decisions. This isn’t a process that happens all at once, rather it happens a little bit at a time. With each new or existing relationship you have like this, you will start to notice more and more progress with each one. Soon enough those relationships won’t even exist in your life anymore because you will not be making the same decisions and you will be a different person so then you will attract the right people for you into your life. You will no longer feel the need to validate yourself by trying to correct the past through present situations. You will see how silly it all is and unless you fear change you will prevail. It is important to realize you are worth it and not to fear leaving your comfort zone.

Overall, I’ve learned that sometimes we try to correct the past by using our present relationships and circumstances. If we are not aware of the pattern and do not pin point it’s origin then we will continue to try to correct the past through present situations. I’ve learned that if we realize not to take things personal because most likely the person is expressing their own issues and it has nothing to do with you then we can change the way we react to these types of situations. I’ve learned that this is a long process and progress is made little by little. I’ve learned if your will is strong enough then the solutions will be there. I’ve learned that if you fail slightly not to give up because it will happen. At least you are trying to do better next time. I’ve learned that if we do not heal what happened in the past and make peace with it then it will continue in the present. It’s important to express any disappointments you feel these people in the past have cause you and then forgive them. It was nothing you did. The only thing you can control now is how you react to similar situations in the present. By going to the source and where the problem originated we are able to feel and heal and move on in the present. Sometimes we must go back in order to heal. But once that is complete we are free to enjoy the present because we see that our self destructive patterns stem from something that isn’t even real anymore. It was only what we perceived to be real at the time and carried with us into adulthood without even realizing it. what i mean is it wasn’t real because it was all lies and not real love. Things will happen and people will come along to wake us up to our cycle because after a while we will start to question why this keeps happening? We realize we do have a choice. And if you want it bad enough you can stop the cycle. It all comes from knowing yourself first and then acting on what you find. I’ve learned I no longer search for validation to right the wrongs of the past as I have come to peace with it. I’ve learned situations will arise to test me to see where my progress is. I know I am getting somewhere when I do not react the same way and see things how they really are instead of how I used to see them. I’ve learned those people do not change but I can. We are capable of so much, and the results are not always immediate, but when you realize you are getting somewhere, you will want to keep going. You will eventually do something different the next time. In conclusion, I’ve learned I cannot change the past by repeating cycles.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

change

I’ve Learned What’s Important

Throughout our lives we have a tendency to take people for granted. As we get older and if we have been hurt by certain people we tend to re-write the past and sometimes make it out to be worse than it actually was. Sometimes we let this pain linger until it manifests into a disease. Sometimes we are confused as to why we may be remembering a certain memory at this point in our lives from the past. For example, when I first had my illusions shattered after a tough time in my life, I developed symptoms of PTSD. One of the most distinct features of this was the fact, almost automatically, I had flashbacks. Now, some of the flashbacks were accurate memories and some of them weren’t accurate but the time was too late to act on it. So instead, these elaborate memories, whether true or false, felt very real to me at that time. I noticed things about people I didn’t before. I noticed every single time someone betrayed me in the past and made sure they knew about it. I’m sure at the time of the betrayal I repressed it enough to continue living without any disturbance by the actions of others. I even went so far as to confront those closest to me about these flashbacks. I felt so sure that they were correct and needed to be addressed. These memories fought my sanity to the death.

When those closest to me were confronted, the reaction was not what I expected. I expected for everyone to just apologize and admit what they had done was wrong. I thought that once I confronted them with what I perceived to have done me harm by them, then they would instantly feel remorse and make me feel better about it. But what I didn’t get is even if they hurt me they most likely were not even aware of it at the time or thought that their actions had any effect on me. It’s so easy to reflect back on these times with embarrassment but my intensity was intensified by a complete loss of my structure of reality. Everything about my life was appearing exactly how it was and I did not like what I saw. I especially was upset with myself for the people I let into my life in order to have caused so much pain. Then I realized I had been doing this my whole life. My needs had always been over looked in order to make someone else feel better or the center of attention. I automatically would give up a lead role in a play to anyone who wanted it.

I had completely lost myself and my needs in order to please others. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned my needs must be met first before I can give anyone anything. I’ve learned that is the most important thing. After that the most important thing is family and friends. So after my episode I did snap back to reality. Truth is, I knew I wasn’t crazy and know people will say anything to you in order to not look at themselves. Instead of them taking into consideration what I was meaning, their defenses automatically took hold and the attention was turned back onto me in order for those around me to not look at themselves and how they hurt me.Anyway, It wasn’t so much that I lost touch with reality, I was going through a hard time. I was hurt and betrayed by someone so harshly that it opened up wounds in the forefront of my most dark thoughts. My repressed feelings of always being looked over. What I didn’t realize is I did the same thing to people at times. The reason why I was confused was because I was in so much pain, I didn’t realize the pain was coming from inside me. Instead I blamed everyone around me. I was in pain and so they would know it. They caused me pain and so they would know it. I once heard a quote “hurt people hurt people.” We do, we really do.

Now, I see that I would never want to hurt anyone just because I am hurting. I am aware of this occurrence in life now. I’ve learned that there is really not much anyone else can do to help you. It’s vague at this point how I got over that time period. I know I moved away for a job and found a new life. I moved but still, my mind still went with me. I could not run away from that. I’d describe that time period much like a retreat. I had been looking into spiritual retreats and such, but never imagined I’d find what I had been looking for all on my own. With the distance and new life, I ventured into the depths of my pain. The healing begun and never stopped. I started yoga and got in touch with my body and mind. There is so much more to yoga and meditation than one would expect if you are open to experiencing it. And a lot cheaper than a therapist.

Anyway, after I spent some time in my new life, I soon found out even that was not exactly what it seemed. I realized that even if I moved away from the source of my pain, I would have to face it wherever I was. I realized my job I thought was perfect was an absolute nightmare and I was surrounded by truly insane people. Ironically, I found out what crazy really was. They too, took pain and fear out on others. But they built onto the foundations of hatred for years and years. I knew then I would never be like that. I endured until the end while discovering qualities in myself I never knew existed. Sure, we all may go through episodes of experiences so painful they drive you mad, but how far will you let it take you away from what’s important? Will you let it distort your whole life? Will you let it consume you until you lack the ability to cope with any life at all?

I did not. I was lucky enough to find solutions that worked. I wasn’t crazy and I laugh about it now. I think I pointed out some things those closest to me may have done wrong in the past. I believed at the time if I just confronted them, then things would resolve. But what I didn’t realize is I was making things worse by hurting them. Our relationships are stronger than ever now. I’ve learned we are human and that is what life will do. I am grateful everyday for the people I do have in my life. I don’t attempt to have a lot of friends or family but I do attempt to make the relationships I do currently have stronger, instead. A wise man once told me back in my college days that, I may not be important to the new people in my life but I am important to the ones already in my life. Hence, taking people for granted.

I’ve learned friends and family and the relationships we build and connections we form are all we really have in this life. I once read that even Buddha left his family to find his way, but I do not think that is my way. These people we love will not always be in our lives so we much take advantage of the time we have while we have it. Around the time I moved away from home, my dad also developed stage IV cancer. I felt so selfish but I believe it was something my dad had to go through on his own in a way. He has recovered and his cancer hasn’t returned. He learned a lot and I really got to know my dad in a whole new way. I saw him for what he really was and I am okay with that. I’ve learned to accept my parents for who they are. Although, I’ve learned how to set boundaries and the things that used to effect me no longer do. With love for myself and all the healing that took place, I was better able to love those around me.

Overall, I suggest everyone move away from home for a brief time in order to find their voice. In order to find themselves. It is not the distance that is important with what I am talking about. It is the the fact that you will be taken out of your natural/normal environment in which you grew up in. That is the point of this exercise. When humans are taken out of their environments neurosis may development also. Without any external distractions, we are better able to address any issues we have and deal with them. It is not something you are burdened with for your whole life. There is a solution to pain. There is a solution to all problems we face internally. The road was long and I know I have a ways to go, but to know how far I have come helps. I am still healing daily. New experiences emerge and I have to face them. Instead of taking them out on others, I only consult myself first. I ask if this is something from my past that is making me feel this way. Sometimes it is me and sometimes it is the person I am having a reaction to. Discernment is an ability I had to cultivate. I still get confused every once in a while, but I now have solutions.

I’ve learned that if I never would have taken the small steps to heal, I would have never had a breakthrough. Without all those small actions and my strength to really see this through, I would have never discovered the bigger picture; what’s important. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned the only thing that matters in life are friends and family and the times we share. I’ve learned I need people in my life. I can not do it alone. This doesn’t mean I take advantage of anyone, but I have realized the best times are the ones we share with others. I’ve learned I can be alone and be happy in my own company also. I have found my voice. I still struggle at times. But these days when a struggle presents itself I do not let it control me. I know it’ll be okay. I’ve learned to recognize when it emerges and work through it instead of repress it. I’ve learned that while I thought my world was collapsing, I was actually falling away to make room for something better. Overall, I’ve learned what’s important.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

abc

Post Navigation