Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “pain”

I’ve Learned; Fallen Angel

I woke up

was thrown to the ground

as I clutched my stomach

as if something came into it

it felt like a beam of a spirit

someone else inside me.

Then I walked down the stairs

into another room

where I was alone

I began to feel

all the sadness in the world

and held it in my heart

where I fell to the floor

and broke down and cried

a cry I have never heard before

echoed through my ears

while I cried out

“there’s so much pain here”

as if I was transported

back to earth

from some magical place

where there was no pain or suffering

and the sadness went away

there I learned

there is a place like that

beyond what we see

beyond what we do to each other.

I released it all that day

and as I walked in your room

you asked if I felt better

and I can honestly say

I did.

I was courageous

to take on all that pain

to really feel it in my body

and release it to another world

to be held

where it belonged.

We aren’t meant to carry these burdens

or hold the weight of the world

we are meant to hand it over.

When we breakdown

we forget it’s not our place

but I knew that already

and surrendered it all

to you.

I never felt anything close to it

that’s a fallen angel for you

coming in

to take all the pain of the world

my world

and theirs too.

While it was inside me

I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach

and after I cried

it was gone

just like that.

So I know I didn’t break

not that easily

something else was there for me

something you can’t see.

But just because you can’t see it

doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it

doesn’t make it

any less real.

Because what we feel is real.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Sober

I don’t even get high anymore

like nothing will work

to take this pain away

like I’m immune

to you and all the drugs.

I don’t need to take anything

to survive

because I’m living now

not dying.

Always thinking about death

like starring into the abyss

except it really did stare back

and now I’ll never be the same.

Death consumes me

intrigues me, motivates me

to really live.

Death and love

is all there is

my mind remembers death

makes me believe I love it

But really I want to escape it

transcend death and life

it’s the only thing I can do.

No…

don’t take who I love

No…

don’t tell me I can’t avoid it

because I’ll find a way

to take all the pain away.

Death might be the answer

and just what I need

In death I will be happy

take me away….

But I’m alive.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Breaking the Cycle…..

I push everyone away but I do it because I need to, because I love too much. I do what I have to, then come back to you. For I couldn’t fathom hurting you just because I am hurting too.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

What I’ve Learned About Memories; A View

 

We can’t erase our memories unless of course for some of the reasons that they can be but we shouldn’t wish we could erase the memories of the past wrong doings of others put upon you, any traumatic event that was out of your control or anything about us. Instead, we should learn to forget how it made us feel. Most likely they are false memories anyway, probably twisted with coping mechanisms. Or real memories that seem false. So who is to say those memories are true to begin with? If they are false memories then the feelings we associated with them aren’t real either. Feelings we fight with to begin with are because we struggle to understand or cope at the time of the experience. Instead we forge grudges, resentments, false accusations, misunderstandings, projections, all kinds of things to get us through the next day in order not to face in ourselves what it was that is really going on. Feelings can be healed so if we recognize where those feelings came from in the first place. The core of the experience or memory, then we can see more clearly as to why we react a certain way in the present due to past situations. That’s the illusion. For example, feelings from being hurt by love; but if that so called ‘love’ wasn’t really love or wasn’t really mutual, then it wasn’t really love and it doesn’t warrant the hurt we cause ourselves and the memories we see as better than they actually were just because at one point you felt great love for that person. From being hurt we hold false beliefs until we realize what we felt wasn’t actually real at all but a collection feelings we thought we had because our memories tell us so. We can’t erase our memories but we can understand them in order to realize they aren’t such a burden after all. If we can see more clearly, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, then we can see that sometimes our feelings weren’t about that person at all! So, in conclusion, and in short, I have learned it is a waste of time to think that if our memories could somehow be manipulated we would somehow be happy and you name it. But I’d like to keep all of me and on the way I’ve found this. Real memories are easier to distinguish from false ones or pieces. That’s why families are great because we all remember different pieces that make the whole. It’s hard work but possible. I don’t always remember what I have learned but it’s complicated. Another thing I’ve learned, resentments and revenge are a waste of time because of the past and that is a whole other topic for another time, but trust me. I’ve learned to let go of control, so I will elaborate on each topic in another post because I need to let go of control to explain everything and leave this post about memories. 😉

Overall, I think if we stop focusing on trying to change the past and the memories associated with negative belief systems growing up, trauma, pain, anything we wish didn’t happen or don’t like. Instead we need to face those feelings as they come and realize we can change the way we feel by acknowledging the fact that it isn’t the past anymore, then go to the core of the problem so that the next time you can react different and eventually the negative feelings associated with a memory won’t be an issue. I guess this is what you find out when you can look back at all the heart ache, pain, and trauma, with a way that says, you were wrong without hurting yourself by trying to act on those past memories then feelings, if they are even true at all! Because it only hurts you when you warrant revenge instead of taking responsibility for your feelings and where they come from.That is when you know you are getting somewhere, and that is far.

If you get rid of any unpleasant or uncomfortable memory then how will you know how good it feels when the past actually makes sense? When the past comes around full circle to show you that it wasn’t all in vain. When it becomes a part of you and no longer a catalyst for pain. When you become an adult, and a change you wish to see in the world. (Thanks Buddha). The memory is also good for remembering the right words! And how will you ever know when all you ever wanted, despite the pain, makes an appearance? Will you even take notice? Take notice of the new that is being integrated into your life? I’d rather have my life instead of the ignorance of a new one.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

the day after I wrote this, my horoscope had lyrics from this song relating to memories and the ability to free myself from images and feelings that I no longer wish to be troubled by. How appropriate….so i shall leave you with them. ❤

“Our romance won’t end on a sorrowful note
Though by tomorrow you’re gone
The song has ended but as the song writer wrote
The melody lingers on
They may take you from me
I’ll miss your fond caress
But though they take you from me
I’ll still possess

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No no they can’t take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you changed my life
No no they can’t take that away from me

We may never never meet again
On the bumpy road to love
Still I’ll always always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced ’til three
The way you changed my life
No no they can’t take that away from me
No they can’t take that away from me”

-Gershwin Ira

So easy to forget about me

when there’s so much pain associated with you.

I thought you had something of mine,

I thought I had to get it back.

But you never took it and it was never lost.

I gave it freely,

So I could take it back.

I just didn’t know it yet.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2010).

Being strong wa…

Being strong was always one of my my best assets,

but these days, it is not contributing to my well-being.

It takes my pain and binds it into a a ball,

much like wet clay,

and molds it into my insides,

creating an emptiness where the pain should be.

The ball of clay forever lies inside me,

collecting more and more blood to weigh it down.

What I want is to squeeze it

and replace it with the power of peace and forgiveness.

I no longer want to fill it with more and more weight.

I want to release it.

I want to say good riddance.

I want to know it’s not me,

 

now I know it’s not.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

I’ve Learned What’s Important

Throughout our lives we have a tendency to take people for granted. As we get older and if we have been hurt by certain people we tend to re-write the past and sometimes make it out to be worse than it actually was. Sometimes we let this pain linger until it manifests into a disease. Sometimes we are confused as to why we may be remembering a certain memory at this point in our lives from the past. For example, when I first had my illusions shattered after a tough time in my life, I developed symptoms of PTSD. One of the most distinct features of this was the fact, almost automatically, I had flashbacks. Now, some of the flashbacks were accurate memories and some of them weren’t accurate but the time was too late to act on it. So instead, these elaborate memories, whether true or false, felt very real to me at that time. I noticed things about people I didn’t before. I noticed every single time someone betrayed me in the past and made sure they knew about it. I’m sure at the time of the betrayal I repressed it enough to continue living without any disturbance by the actions of others. I even went so far as to confront those closest to me about these flashbacks. I felt so sure that they were correct and needed to be addressed. These memories fought my sanity to the death.

When those closest to me were confronted, the reaction was not what I expected. I expected for everyone to just apologize and admit what they had done was wrong. I thought that once I confronted them with what I perceived to have done me harm by them, then they would instantly feel remorse and make me feel better about it. But what I didn’t get is even if they hurt me they most likely were not even aware of it at the time or thought that their actions had any effect on me. It’s so easy to reflect back on these times with embarrassment but my intensity was intensified by a complete loss of my structure of reality. Everything about my life was appearing exactly how it was and I did not like what I saw. I especially was upset with myself for the people I let into my life in order to have caused so much pain. Then I realized I had been doing this my whole life. My needs had always been over looked in order to make someone else feel better or the center of attention. I automatically would give up a lead role in a play to anyone who wanted it.

I had completely lost myself and my needs in order to please others. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned my needs must be met first before I can give anyone anything. I’ve learned that is the most important thing. After that the most important thing is family and friends. So after my episode I did snap back to reality. Truth is, I knew I wasn’t crazy and know people will say anything to you in order to not look at themselves. Instead of them taking into consideration what I was meaning, their defenses automatically took hold and the attention was turned back onto me in order for those around me to not look at themselves and how they hurt me.Anyway, It wasn’t so much that I lost touch with reality, I was going through a hard time. I was hurt and betrayed by someone so harshly that it opened up wounds in the forefront of my most dark thoughts. My repressed feelings of always being looked over. What I didn’t realize is I did the same thing to people at times. The reason why I was confused was because I was in so much pain, I didn’t realize the pain was coming from inside me. Instead I blamed everyone around me. I was in pain and so they would know it. They caused me pain and so they would know it. I once heard a quote “hurt people hurt people.” We do, we really do.

Now, I see that I would never want to hurt anyone just because I am hurting. I am aware of this occurrence in life now. I’ve learned that there is really not much anyone else can do to help you. It’s vague at this point how I got over that time period. I know I moved away for a job and found a new life. I moved but still, my mind still went with me. I could not run away from that. I’d describe that time period much like a retreat. I had been looking into spiritual retreats and such, but never imagined I’d find what I had been looking for all on my own. With the distance and new life, I ventured into the depths of my pain. The healing begun and never stopped. I started yoga and got in touch with my body and mind. There is so much more to yoga and meditation than one would expect if you are open to experiencing it. And a lot cheaper than a therapist.

Anyway, after I spent some time in my new life, I soon found out even that was not exactly what it seemed. I realized that even if I moved away from the source of my pain, I would have to face it wherever I was. I realized my job I thought was perfect was an absolute nightmare and I was surrounded by truly insane people. Ironically, I found out what crazy really was. They too, took pain and fear out on others. But they built onto the foundations of hatred for years and years. I knew then I would never be like that. I endured until the end while discovering qualities in myself I never knew existed. Sure, we all may go through episodes of experiences so painful they drive you mad, but how far will you let it take you away from what’s important? Will you let it distort your whole life? Will you let it consume you until you lack the ability to cope with any life at all?

I did not. I was lucky enough to find solutions that worked. I wasn’t crazy and I laugh about it now. I think I pointed out some things those closest to me may have done wrong in the past. I believed at the time if I just confronted them, then things would resolve. But what I didn’t realize is I was making things worse by hurting them. Our relationships are stronger than ever now. I’ve learned we are human and that is what life will do. I am grateful everyday for the people I do have in my life. I don’t attempt to have a lot of friends or family but I do attempt to make the relationships I do currently have stronger, instead. A wise man once told me back in my college days that, I may not be important to the new people in my life but I am important to the ones already in my life. Hence, taking people for granted.

I’ve learned friends and family and the relationships we build and connections we form are all we really have in this life. I once read that even Buddha left his family to find his way, but I do not think that is my way. These people we love will not always be in our lives so we much take advantage of the time we have while we have it. Around the time I moved away from home, my dad also developed stage IV cancer. I felt so selfish but I believe it was something my dad had to go through on his own in a way. He has recovered and his cancer hasn’t returned. He learned a lot and I really got to know my dad in a whole new way. I saw him for what he really was and I am okay with that. I’ve learned to accept my parents for who they are. Although, I’ve learned how to set boundaries and the things that used to effect me no longer do. With love for myself and all the healing that took place, I was better able to love those around me.

Overall, I suggest everyone move away from home for a brief time in order to find their voice. In order to find themselves. It is not the distance that is important with what I am talking about. It is the the fact that you will be taken out of your natural/normal environment in which you grew up in. That is the point of this exercise. When humans are taken out of their environments neurosis may development also. Without any external distractions, we are better able to address any issues we have and deal with them. It is not something you are burdened with for your whole life. There is a solution to pain. There is a solution to all problems we face internally. The road was long and I know I have a ways to go, but to know how far I have come helps. I am still healing daily. New experiences emerge and I have to face them. Instead of taking them out on others, I only consult myself first. I ask if this is something from my past that is making me feel this way. Sometimes it is me and sometimes it is the person I am having a reaction to. Discernment is an ability I had to cultivate. I still get confused every once in a while, but I now have solutions.

I’ve learned that if I never would have taken the small steps to heal, I would have never had a breakthrough. Without all those small actions and my strength to really see this through, I would have never discovered the bigger picture; what’s important. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned the only thing that matters in life are friends and family and the times we share. I’ve learned I need people in my life. I can not do it alone. This doesn’t mean I take advantage of anyone, but I have realized the best times are the ones we share with others. I’ve learned I can be alone and be happy in my own company also. I have found my voice. I still struggle at times. But these days when a struggle presents itself I do not let it control me. I know it’ll be okay. I’ve learned to recognize when it emerges and work through it instead of repress it. I’ve learned that while I thought my world was collapsing, I was actually falling away to make room for something better. Overall, I’ve learned what’s important.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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