Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “pain and suffering”

I’ve Learned; The Feeling

I just feel like my head is not on right. Having trouble breathing due to intense emotions coming from everything I’ve been trying to ignore lately. Here I am at my father’s, went to chemo with him and I still just want to run away.

But I know that I’m not really trying to. It has become strong urge; very confused at the moment of what that is and how i do not want to make the same mistake again.The thought of myself tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, pain in my body; especially muscles. And I thought….

Maybe I’m trying to escape my body.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written spring 2014 – tape recordings found

awakening process

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I’ve Learned You Need Something to Live For

I’ve learned I give my Dad something to live for. Then I realized I didn’t want him to just live but I wanted him to really live. I’ve learned that without the sense of people who care for you we feel we have nothing to live for. Unless we are loved and supported by at least someone in our lives we can’t cope with it. But we have to love ourselves first. In a sense you have to learn these things yourself in order to gain a perspective that allows you to cope with life. You need to learn you deserve love and are worthy and loved. I’ve learned I can’t control people and I’ve learned sometimes if you really love someone, the saying if you can’t beat them, join them, is a good way to still be a sense of hope for someone. For example, even though you don’t always agree with the person, that if you both love each other, you will do your best to cope together in a way that helps the person. For instance, it’s important to let the person live their life the way they want to even if you don’t agree because you want to control the situations. For example, smoking cigarettes when you have cancer or trying to help mediate or re-kindle relationships that have gone bad so that they can have closure in case death were to occur. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but your best. (sometimes it works and sometimes is does not). In my case, it worked! If only for a moment, it really worked.

When experiencing the feeling of losing someone due to illness, addiction, old age, anything for that matter, we often have to learn to let go of control over the situation. Sometimes, when experiencing the feeling of loss, we clam up and run from the situation out of a symptom of running from the fear, itself. We avoid facing the situation and miss out on opportunities to spend time with the people you love when they are ill.

Another thing I’ve learned is there’s not a lot I can do or say but there’s quite a lot I can feel. Trying to stay positive through actions at least. Something about this is inspiring and I think if we all better learned how to cope with death instead of fear or avoid it, that might be the very core of what needs to change in a way. Classes in the subject should be given starting at a timely age. I hate to see him like that but this is what I’ve learned about the bigger scale and we (everyone) struggles with at one point or another. But if were more open to discuss such things our whole lives then we would learn how to better cope and society would benefit as a whole. Before this happened to my dad I thought I knew how to cope with death. It’s not so much the death aspect it’s seeing him in pain and not being able to do anything, more importantly. Which then causes me pain. But I thought we should become comfortable with death and realize that we should be ready for it. Whether we are the one dying or something we love is. We should prepare for death in a manner that becomes the end goal. To be ready to die when you do. To be aligned with all that is true and being okay with it. Then there wouldn’t be so much pain. I’m not saying we dwell on the subject at all, I’m saying we learn and understand it in a manner that is true, so that we will always have that knowledge and be comfortable with the uncertainty. If we would only pull together and care about the truth and come up with one together through knowledge, instead of sweep it under the rug.

To me, my dad’s life is a piece of art and since his illness I have gotten to know the real him, the person I’ve been missing out on all these years. The dad that I remember as a child. And together we cope, sometimes in silence, by just being there together, as our real selves, and liking it. That’s happiness, and the anxiety of losing him stems from my fear that once I get the closest I’ve ever been to him all my life is right when I’ll lose him. But, that is an issue that has arised that needs to be healed due to this occurring in my life. It’s a lot to process at once, but I know he is a fighter and I know he has me to love him. To spend time with him, allowing him to be himself through the process, not trying to control the situation, but just letting him enjoy his daughter through a painful and uncertain process. To give him hope. Overall, life has brought us full circle to learn to understand, forgive, love, and remember what’s important. I’ve learned if all I can do is be a coping tool in which I am there for him, then that is what it will have to be. I’ve learned that gives him something to live for.

The first time he survived cancer, we shortly after, took a family trip to the beach. I was happy he survived and never once doubted he wouldn’t be. Something just told me he would be okay. While we were at the beach I had a dream while I was at the beach and the beach started to sink in and turning to fire, like a spiraling ocean of lava. I told dad that we should probably leave but he said to wait it out. I kept seeing it getting closer and closer with chaos ensuing around me. I kept trying to think of a solution. I saw my best friend and her family and they were getting in their car to go home. I decided to stay with my dad and things kept getting worse, I didn’t want to stick around but I wouldn’t leave either. then the chaos got so close and I knew I was going to die. I had no fear, just little instances throughout the dream but not for long – then as I knew the chaos was coming I thought well if this is what God intend – so be it. Then I thought I’m faster and almost tried to escape one more time when I realized chaos had stopped and cleared up. Then I tried to think of more solutions and the storm kept getting worse. Then we took a boat and started floating down this fast stream and people on rafts were passing us with beers and partying. They were all connected on rafts starting coming the other way. One guy even tried to give me a beer. But I was so serious as I was floating. Then we received a paper already of letting everyone know who died and my name was listed. I think it was spelled wrong. But there was a picture too and words that said things that weren’t true about me. My tattoo was on my head and I was in a tai chi stance. I had the feeling I was misrepresented. But it didn’t bother me all that much. I was confused as to how that happened, but I was still alive. Although they thought I was dead in the storm I was still alive.

–I’ve also had dreams where one of my parents would get cancer and then I would take it for them in my dreams. Then I would have cancer, I think I would probably do that if I could. But it is not mine to take but theirs and for me to do the best I can and let it go and trust.–

A year later and I am just now getting the meaning of this dream. While my dad was sick the first time, I didn’t even live close to him at the time and wasn’t there to help out as much as I would have liked like I can now, so I never saw the severity of it and never doubted his survival. The part of the dream that finds me trying to think of every possible solution to surviving and then failing every time was telling me I can’t control anything because in the end it’s God’s will. As soon as I let go of control over the situation and surrendered because in the dream I really thought that was the end. But before that, I surrendered and let go of control and then the sun came out. Then were floated on rafts having a good time. It’s all in God’s hands anyway. Through this experience I’ve learned to trust in stead of control. And a year later I can apply it because now I am experiencing the feeling of loss and death. My dad wanting to stay in the dream tells me that he is always going to be who he is and if wanted to stay and fight the storm then I trust he will stay and fight cancer. And I will choose to be by his side in the end. Because we all need something to live for. And on the long journey that brought me here, I’ve learned more about myself and others which is a story that shall be told another time.

Throughout my spiritual life, I was able to predict and cope with my father’s diagnosis, sickness, disease, revelations, recoveries, amnesia, prayers, hard times, remembrances, all of it; while keeping myself intact. Abundance overflows.

 

side note/update – My dad, who taught me that you can’t put off the thought of death for the future. you must live everyday as if there is no future at all. i think we forget this and that was his revelation. a reference to the bible he loves so much. but he forgot to grow. grow on the inside. get to know your inner selves everyday, not just when you think its the end. I always knew this in a sense. Sometimes your kids are your biggest teachers and he is realizing it. Sometimes no matter what happens there is love. love prevailed with my dad…….

-It’s funny as kids we look to parents as teachers but as we become  adults we become their teachers. Or they begin to realize we were born to be their teachers.

Then they begin to teach us all over again….now we all understand.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

 

 

Dark Nights of the Soul

The night was dark

and so was I

morning wasn’t any better

A reflection

from inside of me

everywhere I looked

nothing changed

I could not get out of it

although it happened suddenly

without much warning

I recognized it again

a familiar friend

eliminated as a foe

I recognized once more

it’s always a bit disappointing

quite easy to blame myself

although it doesn’t stay as long

I’m always forgetting

to just remember

remember what it was

that got me through

remember what I did

that got me here

I began to remember

to let go

it’s out of my control

the solution is not inside my head

but nothing concrete at all

it comes with time

and surrender

it always hurts

and shatters my world

into tiny little parts

but once those fall away

they are replaced

with much more

so much more

I just need to remember

it isn’t a punishment

but what I have asked for

If only I can remember

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

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