Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “metamorphosis”

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

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I’ve Learn; Control

Control over men

you shouldn’t obtain

control over yourself

mission incomplete

you like what you tasted

but did nothing with it

that’s not the rules to my game.

But I understand

and have been away

to only come back

with the words to say

it’s not like us to demand control

it’s not like us to want so much more

it’s not like me to hold on

it’s not like you to let go.

There is no control

of your own making

succumb to a woman

while we wait

you play catch up.

See what they did to you

turned you into?

Something that’s not even true

just because they couldn’t understand you?

But we are here, while they fear themselves only

to say

This time it’s for real

There’s a lot of things you can’t control.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Misery Loves Company

You took a short cut home

ran into a silky web

no big deal;

although the spider

took a turn for the worse

trying to kill me

with its poison,

but yet I did not want it dead

I was fine before you.

Your curse is obsolete!

When I said you

didn’t care to know

I meant it

because I knew

where you were heading

and I still love you

yet I understand

it was in another life

another time

but we met again

just to say hey,

it’s good to see you again

yet you were the same

taking for granted

all the talent you were given

I can’t live like that.

When all I wanted to do

was save you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.)

I’ve Learned; Masks

“Hiding Seems Easy” written in 2008 –  Just be yourself and everything will work out anyway. Don’t waste your time with a mask; it will only wear you down in the end.


That mask you are wearing
How do you do it?
Day by day as if it’s normal
Walking around with a destination
Never a hesitation
With a rehearsal it never fails
Always the right words
That’ll satisfy the ears
Can’t mess this up
My image is all I have
Love can’t even nudge this
It’s tough as an iron mask
Even though your hand is holding a flask
The mask you are wearing?
Does it ever weigh down your heart?
That mask you are wearing?
Does it really suit your part?
One can see it take form
If they took the time to notice
But this is all you have
You wouldn’t settle for more
And so I will leave it still.
Though I tried to help
That mask you are wearing?
Won’t break until you crumble or fall.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Feeling

I just feel like my head is not on right. Having trouble breathing due to intense emotions coming from everything I’ve been trying to ignore lately. Here I am at my father’s, went to chemo with him and I still just want to run away.

But I know that I’m not really trying to. It has become strong urge; very confused at the moment of what that is and how i do not want to make the same mistake again.The thought of myself tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, pain in my body; especially muscles. And I thought….

Maybe I’m trying to escape my body.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written spring 2014 – tape recordings found

awakening process

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Living With the Enemy

Not easily persuaded,

thought I’d give it a try.

When my world grew old

the new emerged,

not because I hadn’t looked before

but because I took notice more.

It was what I had asked for, can no longer ignore.

As my tolerance grew thin

it became a catalyst, and I won’t take anymore.

Sure, you seemed harmless

yet I knew right away

because I could hear every word

and feel everything,

although you didn’t know,

because it was always about you.

All who want a good listener or audience

yet fail to hear or see anyone else.

In the presence of others,

I could see some falling for it too.

It seemed like escaping from a spider web

but not wanting to kill the spider.

It’s like seeing the spider alluring its prey

but knowing it shouldn’t be stopped.

It’s like the spider who moves in great haste 

because you disturbed its web, its illusion.

Although it may bite, I won’t absorb its poison.  

Rejecting all that does harm to me.

Some choose to weave a web

with delicate precision;

as intricate as the lies they tell

for others to run into,

but not all are trapped

and not all can see the web they run into,

only the means to escape

as no plea for help will suffice.

Sometimes we fight our way out just in time

sometimes we get caught,

and sometimes we defeat the spider 

despite the fact it mistook us for prey.

We hold no resentment towards it,

no plans for revenge.

Instead, we choose to heal ourselves

while letting the spider go.

I know because I have tried

and always find out,

the inevitable can’t be prevented

and minds can’t be swayed,

one must already be aware of the truth

and believe in themselves enough

to see through the disguise.

Playing to the tune of my empathy

becomes the first mistake.

Then mistaking it for weakness

becomes the last misconception,

With understanding comes the realization

there is no real power through manipulation.

I thought you had the gift,

but only used it to cause harm

to all others for your hopeless gain,

but you weren’t aware

it was only harm to yourself….

Therein lies the irony,

for the selfish can’t even see it,

or the ones they are hurting.

Guess I had to live with the enemy
in order to understand it more.

To put into words…

And there I found the resolution to it all;

All those who have sought me out

for some selfish yet severely delusional

thought of taking advantage.

I’m prepared for the rumors, stories, and misunderstandings.

There’s always been someone like you,

I have let into my life, but not anymore.

Although I prevail you will stay the same,

and those thoughts you hold about me

will also stay the same because it’s too much

to come to terms with yourselves.

Go ahead and project onto me

blame me for your problems,

try to hurt me because you are hurting.

Although your delusions tell you it’s working,

doesn’t mean I believe you,

and I can’t say I didn’t try to help even after I warned you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

isiswingsspiral-300x242

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Being strong wa…

Being strong was always one of my my best assets,

but these days, it is not contributing to my well-being.

It takes my pain and binds it into a a ball,

much like wet clay,

and molds it into my insides,

creating an emptiness where the pain should be.

The ball of clay forever lies inside me,

collecting more and more blood to weigh it down.

What I want is to squeeze it

and replace it with the power of peace and forgiveness.

I no longer want to fill it with more and more weight.

I want to release it.

I want to say good riddance.

I want to know it’s not me,

 

now I know it’s not.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

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