Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “memory”

I’ve Learned; Details

Never was a fan of focusing

on the dots,

but rather connecting them….

you and your remembering….

sometimes the dots drag me in

like a black hole, oh well….

maybe there’s something in there….

exactly, I will know my way back,

back to the next dot,

that leads to

the bigger picture.



It’s because I have been there before

and know my way around.

It’s just I didn’t know

I was in a black hole,

until my search

for the next dot seemed vague.

Yet damage was not done,

only lessons learned

because you’ll forget

how that next dot

is the destination,

but you reach for it anyway,

despite the bigger picture

I needed the details,

and I’ve learned

black holes are anything but empty.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

Today, the cycle continued. Never-ending empty holes and shattered glass. Glass that turned fine expression into bruised and bloody. The visualization seemed less obscure from the point of view we all knew. Up in rooms where ears would listen, but bodies felt numb. Numb to the core, as violence rang through them, wondering if it would cease soon. The question was not when, but how. Knowing we were out of harm’s way, she would take the fall for us all. Up here, it seemed like a sanctuary far away from the disarray around us. Oblivion suited our needs presently. Even a stereo failed us. Our spirits were held back with irony, only wanting to break free and rip apart this establishment. Down there, never-ending hatred had been thrown back and forth, like our weathered ears could not hear. Did she really think restraining him from his subservient and derelict home would work? Deep within us, we vowed to stray. As we peaked out from our havens, we did nothing but stare. Stared at the repulsion we called life. Emptiness prevailed as the shattering of contempt took place for his lack of a high. Engaged were our eyes, as our apprehension took the best of us. Recollections of an uncontrollable fiend, tearing apart a home, stairway and all, graced our intact minds. We thought of only one thing; think happy thoughts is what she would say. As the tone of a phone rang hushed but clear, we were forced to say, sorry friend, we can’t play today.


 

Deep within us,

we vowed to stray.

As we peaked out from our havens,

we did nothing but stare.

Stared at the repulsion we called life.

We thought of only one thing;

think happy thoughts is what she would say.

As the tone of a phone rang; hushed but clear,

we were forced to say,

sorry friend,

we can’t play today.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned Consciousness Has a Story

I see a young women sitting near the ocean, but the ocean has no sand. The bank is covered in grass and she sits there waiting for something. She is unsure of what she is waiting for exactly but knows she must wait. She looks beyond the waters and into the distance. Remembering a life once lived yet lost. She knows there is a vague memory of a love she once knew. Slowly she adjusts her eyes to the endless horizon of sea.

Alas, a light appears and it seems to be approaching. She recognizes it in some far off distant dream. As it gets closer she see the outline of a man. Memories reemerge and take reign as she swims out to meet him. Though her dress weighs her body down, she knows they will meet just in time for relief of this weight. He helps her onto his boat and their instincts embraced. No words were spoken as they gazed into each others eyes, knowing what they had been searching for has been realized.

As soon as bliss occurred so must tragedy. They saw the sky crack with light and heard thunder rambling on. Wind started to threatened his shell of a boat and the waters of the ocean trenched them with fear. Fear of not death but losing one another the instant they met again. Without much warning they were over turned by the roaring waves. She was taken by the force of the tides that she once could only see from a distance. They were separated once again. She to the shore and he to the ocean. She was taken under as her hair resembled a delicate jelly fish floating to the surface. He fought with all his strength to reach her but his boat gave him life.

As she woke on the shore she wondered if it was just a dream. It felt so real yet she couldn’t be sure. She knew they’d meet in another time or another life. She could still feel the ecstasy of his embrace and all her life seemed to become real. All of her life flashed before her and he knew it too. They were ripped apart but set free all at the same time.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

One of many stories that inhibit our consciousness, and the rest are to be told another time….<3

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