Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “life”

Thoughts on life

Thoughts of Life
All the screaming and the fighting
all the never being good enough
has left a heavy burden on my stomach.
All the I love you’s and the I hate you’s
all the “I’m sorries” and forgiving
has corrupted my image of love.
All the lies and the lies I thought were truths
all the letdowns and pretending to be fine
have caught up to my blistered soul.
All the feelings I keep inside and the times I’d look but wouldn’t answer the phone
All the silence and nights alone
have weighed me down far too long.
All the crazy thoughts and all the magical thoughts
all the tossing and turning and nights without sleep thanks to those thoughts.
All the blurred faces lacking empathy and the damaging insults
all the ones that have turned their backs
have allowed me to know it’s ok, I don’t need them.
All the distance and the ones I let get away
and all the walls I have built along the way.
All the knowing and not knowing
all the contradictions of my existence
have caught up to my fouled up mind.
All the laughter and fake smiles
and the hatred I spent on others.
All the lonliness and no one to turn to
all the pain I didn’t want to hide but had to
can be blamed for the lack of healing.
All the thoughts of suicide and watching my face go pale
all the desperate attempts that have failed
has let me catch a glimpse of death, and I’ll never go back.

 

(copyright kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written in 2006.

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I’ve Learned; Brain

I feel like my brain

has adapted for survival

like I was brain dead

but brought back to life.

Like an electrical shock

that ran through my mind

to only be revived

because it wasn’t my time.

All my life I’ve fought

for my survival

always clawing my way through

to the other side

because I knew it was there.

The light was bright the first time

taking me with it

while the dark and the light

raged war in my intellect.

No one lost and no one won

we all just forgave each other

as family does.

The second time the light came

I did not succumb

I did not accept my fate

as it was too late

now I wait.

A metaphor for my life

God fighting for my soul

while Lucifer began to like me

as they fought over me.

But I like them both.

It’s because of them

that I live again.

And love can save your soul.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Breathe

I have no religion

only ideals

I never claimed to be anything

other than the truth

the truth as it occurs to me

from experience alone

throughout my life

I’ve been taking notes

to find my truth

I know my truth

is not your truth

but there is something universal about it

the way it all came to me

on it’s own

because I was searching.

I have no religion

my religion is truth

it’s what I believe

because it happened to me.

In my depths of despair

I always came up for air

something was always there

and when I didn’t need to breathe anymore

something else was doing it for me.

When I didn’t want to live

something else was keeping me alive

So I’ll take that as a sign

a sign of my truth

I must be here for a reason

even though I want to go

but I am in no hurry

I’ll take what you gave me

and continue to live

because I know

that’s all you have to give

is the life that I live.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Reborn

Through a wormhole

you are reborn

into the next life

you go.

Meanwhile

you aren’t supposed

to do it in this lifetime

that would be cheating

and this life

is for truth

and the way.

But I suppose it’s good to know

just where you would go.

For no wormholes

are needed

to be reborn,

not here,

not now.

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Unpredictablity

Life’s unpredictability has taught us not to trust

But then since life is unpredictable

we develop habits…..

humans are unpredictable too

which causes everyone not to trust

due to unpredictability of the future,

even if the person hasn’t done anything

the looming feeling is still there

because that is what still happened

(copyright Kerrious44 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Dreamer

I do not have writer’s block,

I am just scared of what I’d find.

Millions of unanswered questions and thousands of solutions.

Finding the positive in even the worse situations.

How can I be like this?

I took it all and made it something grand.

I took all your flaws and told you you were a man.

I was lying to myself first and then to you.

I didn’t want to puncture this picture I drew.

I let you in and hated that fact.

I didn’t want to turn back.

I had done it before, a dozen times before.

Never thought you’d be the one to betray me.

No matter what I do I just can’t win.

I lost it all before and this time it’s okay.

I knew all along and should have listened to my instincts.

Why do I attract the likes of you?

They say it’s because I’m a good person and parasites need to feed.

But I absorb myself into love so much that I think that it’s me.

I hope you could see. I hope I could just be me.

I hope I can remember this feeling forever.

I am alive. I am happy.

My soul has been made intact and how that happened, I really don’t know.

Something happened in a year to make me feel whole again.

Yes, sometimes I get sad and lonely, but I know it’s for the best.

I have learned so much and can only feel more.

I am not crazy, not by your terms.

I tried to label myself for too long.

I am evolving. Why me? It’s out of my control.

Maybe I made the decision years ago.

It has been so long since I’ve wrote anything. I am tired of holding it all in. but honestly I have nothing to write. That is the scary thing. I am changing. I do not know why. I want to write. But I dream instead.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2013. mapping out my awakening in order to help others find their way.

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

And they couldn’t believe I existed. That is what stuck out. The way that they looked at me with eyes that became wider and wider with disbelief yet relief. As moments before they were sprinting up the hill until my dog stopped barking when they slowly turned around and paced slowly towards us. As I had to focus on the reality that surrounded me, I heard “They do exist!” As if we both thought it at the same time. They with me and I with them. As it was an instinctual reaction for us all.  I perched up with excitement and they turned the other way. Slowly, they walked instead of ran out of fear. I said to look out for the lights and an understanding ensued.

And it was something they had to see for themselves. Beside a dog that used to bark. Now that dog no longer barks but understands to share the territory. After all, it was theirs too and she knows now. But just like them, I too have to see for myself. They recognized their own but forgot it existed. Even nature needs reminders that others are there. And I see it everyday. Not just from me but like them I had to see it for myself. I am like the deer.

Copyright 2014 Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

She’s happy because she’s free.
That’s where it all began.
The fight for freedom,
even in her own way,
was inspiring.
If only to herself.

Once she noticed the chains,
she wouldn’t stop
until her hands were broke free.
Until she could taste freedom,
she would never be happy.
Until she could feel it,
to be sure it’s real.

And On the way
she found truth.

Truth yet to be revealed

And she’s learned….
Sometimes she is bad,
even for herself.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned You Need Something to Live For

I’ve learned I give my Dad something to live for. Then I realized I didn’t want him to just live but I wanted him to really live. I’ve learned that without the sense of people who care for you we feel we have nothing to live for. Unless we are loved and supported by at least someone in our lives we can’t cope with it. But we have to love ourselves first. In a sense you have to learn these things yourself in order to gain a perspective that allows you to cope with life. You need to learn you deserve love and are worthy and loved. I’ve learned I can’t control people and I’ve learned sometimes if you really love someone, the saying if you can’t beat them, join them, is a good way to still be a sense of hope for someone. For example, even though you don’t always agree with the person, that if you both love each other, you will do your best to cope together in a way that helps the person. For instance, it’s important to let the person live their life the way they want to even if you don’t agree because you want to control the situations. For example, smoking cigarettes when you have cancer or trying to help mediate or re-kindle relationships that have gone bad so that they can have closure in case death were to occur. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but your best. (sometimes it works and sometimes is does not). In my case, it worked! If only for a moment, it really worked.

When experiencing the feeling of losing someone due to illness, addiction, old age, anything for that matter, we often have to learn to let go of control over the situation. Sometimes, when experiencing the feeling of loss, we clam up and run from the situation out of a symptom of running from the fear, itself. We avoid facing the situation and miss out on opportunities to spend time with the people you love when they are ill.

Another thing I’ve learned is there’s not a lot I can do or say but there’s quite a lot I can feel. Trying to stay positive through actions at least. Something about this is inspiring and I think if we all better learned how to cope with death instead of fear or avoid it, that might be the very core of what needs to change in a way. Classes in the subject should be given starting at a timely age. I hate to see him like that but this is what I’ve learned about the bigger scale and we (everyone) struggles with at one point or another. But if were more open to discuss such things our whole lives then we would learn how to better cope and society would benefit as a whole. Before this happened to my dad I thought I knew how to cope with death. It’s not so much the death aspect it’s seeing him in pain and not being able to do anything, more importantly. Which then causes me pain. But I thought we should become comfortable with death and realize that we should be ready for it. Whether we are the one dying or something we love is. We should prepare for death in a manner that becomes the end goal. To be ready to die when you do. To be aligned with all that is true and being okay with it. Then there wouldn’t be so much pain. I’m not saying we dwell on the subject at all, I’m saying we learn and understand it in a manner that is true, so that we will always have that knowledge and be comfortable with the uncertainty. If we would only pull together and care about the truth and come up with one together through knowledge, instead of sweep it under the rug.

To me, my dad’s life is a piece of art and since his illness I have gotten to know the real him, the person I’ve been missing out on all these years. The dad that I remember as a child. And together we cope, sometimes in silence, by just being there together, as our real selves, and liking it. That’s happiness, and the anxiety of losing him stems from my fear that once I get the closest I’ve ever been to him all my life is right when I’ll lose him. But, that is an issue that has arised that needs to be healed due to this occurring in my life. It’s a lot to process at once, but I know he is a fighter and I know he has me to love him. To spend time with him, allowing him to be himself through the process, not trying to control the situation, but just letting him enjoy his daughter through a painful and uncertain process. To give him hope. Overall, life has brought us full circle to learn to understand, forgive, love, and remember what’s important. I’ve learned if all I can do is be a coping tool in which I am there for him, then that is what it will have to be. I’ve learned that gives him something to live for.

The first time he survived cancer, we shortly after, took a family trip to the beach. I was happy he survived and never once doubted he wouldn’t be. Something just told me he would be okay. While we were at the beach I had a dream while I was at the beach and the beach started to sink in and turning to fire, like a spiraling ocean of lava. I told dad that we should probably leave but he said to wait it out. I kept seeing it getting closer and closer with chaos ensuing around me. I kept trying to think of a solution. I saw my best friend and her family and they were getting in their car to go home. I decided to stay with my dad and things kept getting worse, I didn’t want to stick around but I wouldn’t leave either. then the chaos got so close and I knew I was going to die. I had no fear, just little instances throughout the dream but not for long – then as I knew the chaos was coming I thought well if this is what God intend – so be it. Then I thought I’m faster and almost tried to escape one more time when I realized chaos had stopped and cleared up. Then I tried to think of more solutions and the storm kept getting worse. Then we took a boat and started floating down this fast stream and people on rafts were passing us with beers and partying. They were all connected on rafts starting coming the other way. One guy even tried to give me a beer. But I was so serious as I was floating. Then we received a paper already of letting everyone know who died and my name was listed. I think it was spelled wrong. But there was a picture too and words that said things that weren’t true about me. My tattoo was on my head and I was in a tai chi stance. I had the feeling I was misrepresented. But it didn’t bother me all that much. I was confused as to how that happened, but I was still alive. Although they thought I was dead in the storm I was still alive.

–I’ve also had dreams where one of my parents would get cancer and then I would take it for them in my dreams. Then I would have cancer, I think I would probably do that if I could. But it is not mine to take but theirs and for me to do the best I can and let it go and trust.–

A year later and I am just now getting the meaning of this dream. While my dad was sick the first time, I didn’t even live close to him at the time and wasn’t there to help out as much as I would have liked like I can now, so I never saw the severity of it and never doubted his survival. The part of the dream that finds me trying to think of every possible solution to surviving and then failing every time was telling me I can’t control anything because in the end it’s God’s will. As soon as I let go of control over the situation and surrendered because in the dream I really thought that was the end. But before that, I surrendered and let go of control and then the sun came out. Then were floated on rafts having a good time. It’s all in God’s hands anyway. Through this experience I’ve learned to trust in stead of control. And a year later I can apply it because now I am experiencing the feeling of loss and death. My dad wanting to stay in the dream tells me that he is always going to be who he is and if wanted to stay and fight the storm then I trust he will stay and fight cancer. And I will choose to be by his side in the end. Because we all need something to live for. And on the long journey that brought me here, I’ve learned more about myself and others which is a story that shall be told another time.

Throughout my spiritual life, I was able to predict and cope with my father’s diagnosis, sickness, disease, revelations, recoveries, amnesia, prayers, hard times, remembrances, all of it; while keeping myself intact. Abundance overflows.

 

side note/update – My dad, who taught me that you can’t put off the thought of death for the future. you must live everyday as if there is no future at all. i think we forget this and that was his revelation. a reference to the bible he loves so much. but he forgot to grow. grow on the inside. get to know your inner selves everyday, not just when you think its the end. I always knew this in a sense. Sometimes your kids are your biggest teachers and he is realizing it. Sometimes no matter what happens there is love. love prevailed with my dad…….

-It’s funny as kids we look to parents as teachers but as we become  adults we become their teachers. Or they begin to realize we were born to be their teachers.

Then they begin to teach us all over again….now we all understand.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

 

 

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