Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “introspection”

I’ve Learned to Recognize Beauty and Love

The world is full of beauty and love. We just haven’t discovered the universal truth behind each of those words. Some standard definition in which we all can agree upon. Some way of knowing we are all on the same page as to what they mean. But they are no exact words to use because there really isn’t an exact definition because beauty and love aren’t things to be named. They are feelings to be felt. And you know it when you feel it. You may not know how to express them appropriately. And that to me is more important to focus on. Not so much what each word means but what each word feels like and how do we express them in a way that takes their true form? When you find it out there, it may trigger your curiosity. It may seem like something that happens everyday. Or you may not even recognize it when you do experience them. We possess beauty and love but you can’t bypass finding it in yourself and go on to try and find it in someone else or even teach about beauty and love without this crucial step. So much confusion is brought about when we get stuck at the half way point thinking we found the truth, instead of continuing searching. It brings all sorts of unnecessary separation in humanity and the negativity it brings along with it hovers until we no longer care to solve problems but rather argue instead of being open minded, because the half way point is the point of pride and where we all think we are right, instead of learning something new and coming out of our denial. Coming out of our view that only reflect our dilemma on the inside. Without recognizing what beauty and love truly are and then finding it in yourself, you can’t possibly understand it. If you don’t understand it then you miss out on a lot of opportunities for you to grow. Because you have to understand something in order not to fear it, and then be able not to construe what the words really and truly mean and what that means to us, as a whole. But that is what we do. We try to bypass the inner world which then only gets reflected negatively in the outer world. It creates exactly what you think you’re fighting against.  It creates separation. Not only from us and them but also from you and you. You are in conflict even with yourself. It distracts you from focusing on the things in yourself that you aren’t seeing and instead you project it onto the ills of society, for example. Because it exists in you too. Problems arise when those who seek to find answers think they have found the answers through something that actually clouds their vision as to why they began searching in the first place. It’s a safety blanket, a defense mechanism built from the foundation that you’re a victim and it’s a blame game. Because it’s easier to project it onto other people then face it, internally. So, what irritates you about society? Is this too something that you do or have done? Is it something you haven’t healed thus the need to have control over the issue? Most likely. We are all learning here. When you feel convinced that you know the truth without finding the truth in yourself first, you are not part of the solution but you are part of the problem. Let beauty and love show you their real meanings, by listening to your truth, however much it hurts. It hurts because you don’t understand it yet, but it is beautiful and lovely because you are displaying grand gestures of both words when you take the initiative to really want to find it, because you know it exists. The glimpse that led you on this path was just that, a glimpse of what could be, if only you radiated beauty and love from within instead of only noticing bits and pieces of beauty and love, occasionally. You will see it in everything and everyone.  Even on your worse days, because I know I have bad days, you’ll find ways to laugh, for example. You’ll notice things aren’t so bad much more quickly, things that remind you are beauty and love instead, which leads to gratitude for the experience and your bad day doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You’ll go with the bad days instead of trying to fight them. Beauty and love will recognize their presence in your life once you have found it in yourself. Because it is there. It’s just your responsibility to see it for yourself once you have found it and work on cultivating it. Then you can do whatever it is you want with it, but I’ve noticed it is constantly changing and showing up in different ways. It’s really only something to embrace rather than utilize. It’s something we all need to embrace within ourselves then express. Because the expression is where you want to be. We want to express beauty and love in its truest form and that is the goal, and everyone has their own way to do so. It’s not something to use for personal gain, power, or manipulation.  Rarely should it be more than a feeling to be expressed rather than something you act upon. You can’t act like beauty and you can’t act like love. You feel them and you express them. You don’t knock down mountains and take them home with you and you can’t roll up a rainbow and throw it in the car, and you can’t keep something or someone from leaving, no matter how much you love them. You have to embrace the beauty and love in the moment and then maybe later express it through art or music or dance. You can take a piece with you but you can’t act like it is yours alone. You can’t always keep what you love or what is beautiful. But you can remember them. It’s almost like a recognition of things once forgotten. Beauty and Love are not tangible things in which we can materialize ourselves. It is not the super models in magazines, or the beauty queen, fairy tales, or the Twilight movies. It is our natural state. It all reveals itself naturally. All you can do is recognize it. It is what we have been looking for just in the wrong places. Then you find it in the most unlikely of places; in ourselves. That’s why it’s important to find it in yourself because out here you will not find the real beauty or love. Out here you find the reflections of the people frustrated because they can’t find beauty and love anywhere else, so they buy the product they saw on t.v., or buy the plastic surgery, or pay for the prostitute, or support separation through political parties and extremism. Beauty and love are things you coexist with and become a part of. An active participant who allows their nature to come forth in a way that promotes healing rather than inflict harm.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all right reserved.

Not once did she blame you,

now she is not so sure.

What once was apparent,

has turned slightly pale.

The blood circulating has turned,

is it even there?

It’s an organ, but nothing remains.

Nights where laughter would echo,

the sun has set long ago.

Reality sets in with each glare,

she tries not to sit and stare.

What’s in her so deep,

leaves her resting here feeling cheap.

Sipping wine, smoking, and ashing,

a homemade ashtray and music blares.

She sits content but only prolongs,

what is truly there.

With each passing moment,

with each brain cell.

She only blames herself.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

Being strong wa…

Being strong was always one of my my best assets,

but these days, it is not contributing to my well-being.

It takes my pain and binds it into a a ball,

much like wet clay,

and molds it into my insides,

creating an emptiness where the pain should be.

The ball of clay forever lies inside me,

collecting more and more blood to weigh it down.

What I want is to squeeze it

and replace it with the power of peace and forgiveness.

I no longer want to fill it with more and more weight.

I want to release it.

I want to say good riddance.

I want to know it’s not me,

 

now I know it’s not.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Cry

Why do some have to be alone to cry? Rather why do we think it is something to hide? Why can’t we share crying like we share laughter? Is it because we are ashamed? Don’t want to make the other person in our company upset? Is it uncomfortable? Is it uncomfortable to console a crying person? Do we talk ourselves out of it? Do we brush it off and tell ourselves we are okay? Do we think we are too strong to cry? Do we think we are being irrational because that is what we have always heard? Are we afraid to be vulnerable so much that it’s holding us back from expressing those tears when we so desperately need to in order to connect to others and heal? We all do it differently. Some really do seem irrational because they have let it build up so long that by the time it comes out they may need to check into a mental ward if it were witnessed because that’s how confused you can get if you don’t release it as soon as you can. As soon as we realize and understand. As soon as we understand our individual reasons and what we are going through, the more we can pin point your exact source of the pain/problem. It can and will manifest in other ways such as abuse, tearing others down, becoming numb or apathetic, paranoia, you name it, and all can happen before you even become of aware of the way it has made you. And then again some people do cry anyway, but still don’t understand because it is still a process. You can’t just go through the motions of crying without gaining the insight and healing it allows you to do. Without fully succumbing and becoming one with the process. It is intense and some people even procrastinate and continue to do so out of fear or laziness because they don’t wish to go through that again. They know what they are about to face and would rather avoid it in order not to understand but what they are missing is all the ways it helps afterwards, if only they would just keep going.

Some use it to manipulate others and they don’t have to be alone to do it. I think that is a big difference. (and other times we only think they are being manipulative when they are being genuine). Not everyone has a motive, some just need to have shoulder to lean on. Some have to be alone because it is such a powerful and personal thing because they really mean the tears that they cry. Which is even harder in a world that says vulnerability is a weakness. We sometimes have to be alone to cry because it’s that personal and it means that much to somebody. Whereas some people cry to get what they want, manipulation, so they have to be in front of people. Whereas those who cry alone need that space as if it is an almost sacred act. But to truly have people there for you to console you is sometimes all you have. I’ve seen those close to me break down in front of me time and time again throughout my life and sometimes that is all a person needs. To be seen, to not feel alone in their pain. But that pain is really only theirs to feel and then it helps to have someone witness it in order for that person to move on.Plus they do it in hopes that they can be cheered up in the process. I almost always try to have them laughing by the end which is another purpose it serves. Or help find a solution or something they aren’t seeing. Some don’t even know why they begin to cry but then continue to do the same things to hurt themselves anyway. Sometimes they just tell me afterwards, after they’ve cried and need to tell someone. And sometimes life’s circumstances are not in our control at all, like death, which is the most prevalent reason we cry. Sometimes all you can do is be there.

For example, I remember when my first grandparent to pass away died and that was also my first experience with death in my family for me. My mom woke us up for school that morning except she said we weren’t going to school because grandma died. But to get up and get dressed. She did it in her usual way and was trying to stay as normal sounding as possible to not upset us, or herself, really. So without hesitating, I got up and started to get dressed. Then we went about the routine of family gatherings and funerals. But it wasn’t until much time later that I was lying in bed one night and just began to sob. I was angry at God and asked him why? It just didn’t seem fair to me at the time. She was all we had sometimes. It was an unexpected death which is another reason it took so long to sink in and such. I began to feel bad about all the times I didn’t listen to her even. But I did not confront the situation until after everything had already passed. I was never spoken to about death and what we were doing as I think my mom was just going through the motions as well. Although she stayed strong for herself and us, she couldn’t do it all. I remember seeing her upset on the couch and just wanting to hug her so tight but she was so good at being okay that I thought she was okay even though I knew she wasn’t. I just hung out for a bit until she got up. Anyway, that night in bed I cried so hard and long and after my angry conversation with God, I stayed mad at him for sometime after that by the way, go figure. But if I knew then what I knew now, I would have immediately, when I saw my mom upset on the couch, I would have sat next to her and hugged her and we would have cried together. But instead I cried alone some time after her death instead of right away. It’s just the way things were and are for the most part. It always takes time but why should it take us so long to react? There are many factors but if you react right away you set the stage for healing right away.

Then some families instantly console each other after a death. Later in life, I once knew a family who did that in my presence and I immediately felt uncomfortable even though I was basically part of the family myself. I wanted to let them do their thing but sure enough they pulled me into the hug but I could not cry. I still had a delayed reaction and was trying to be strong for my boyfriend at the time. All I could do was be there.

Same thing happened when I watched a family dog die. I was with a family and we all sat around crying and consoling each other as the dog was lying on the living room floor. I had just walked into the room to see this. I found myself uncomfortable that time also and embarrassed to show emotion. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh because of it. I wanted to make everyone laugh but at the same time I knew what they were doing is what they needed to do. And the next day everyone was okay because they reacted right away and was able to move on right away.

Many stories later and even later on in life, I began to accept death. I saw it as something not to be upset about but to embrace. But there is no escaping being upset I’ve learned. Life does move forward whether I am upset at the time or later. And life does keep throwing these things at you and each time I understand more and more.

Furthermore,

Those who cry alone know the burden is theirs and theirs alone. Although, they don’t realize it doesn’t have to be. But even though I would listen to someone cry for hours doesn’t mean they would do the same for me. It’s true and funny enough, life eventually gives you people that you can do that with. You learn to console in a manner you see best at the time for the circumstance. You learn compassion is something that stays fresh in the present, despite what someone may have done in the past. Because when they call on you to cry to, you aren’t thinking about the past or if they would do it for you. All you know is that you are who they thought of when they need to cry because no one else they know would understand. They know you won’t think they are being stupid no matter how many times they try to convince you they are.

Those who cry alone can carry their burdens along with other people’s as well. I think that is the biggest difference.

When I cry I know there is no other solution. When I’ve gone through all the explanations in my head not to and searching for a way out of it. When really, I know now, that if my mind wonders as if it’s looking for a solution to feel better after an ordeal of some sort in life, and I still can’t think of why I feel so lost in my mind, that I just need to cry. It’s hard to convince myself it’s okay because I am always looking for ways to make things better but then I realized crying is actually the one thing that does make it better. And when I feel lost for words and can’t talk. The only solution is to cry and feel everything that I was trying to rationalize away in my mind as if I could take a paper towel and absorb the mess but instead I need to just let it go and see what I can find in the mess. Take notice to the formations, flow, and texture of the tears and how it feels good to do so. Recognize the images they bring to your mind. Grab onto the foreign feelings that come up until you can’t anymore. Have compassion for yourself. Rather than force yourself to think of a solution not to cry, think of all the reasons to cry because the images/feelings they bring are exactly why you are feeling stuck and why you are in confusion. Most of the time it is because we stay strong, because we know there is a time and place for everything. We do what we have to do but afterwards nothing else can be done besides to cry, alone, or with someone who will just be there, because that is the place you will find your answers, not through someone else giving you advice or talking but simply by being there. And sometimes, crying chooses the time for you, and when it comes is when it comes, all on it’s own timing. But now I know when there is no other solution, you must cry. There the answers reveal themselves. Because the tears have to flow out and be exposed to your skin and air then dry back into your skin in order to transform their very nature, which is rather a soothing realization that it’ll all be okay. Everything becomes something different afterwards. If only we can cry and not try to rationalize a million ways out of it because it isn’t irrational at all but the most rational and sane thing you can do at the time. Never keep the urge to control your tears, whether it be out of pain or beauty. Why do we see someone crying and think it’s an unusual and crazy act? Like the person crying is a monkey in a zoo and everyone else just stares or walks by. Never fight the urge to shed some tears. For they are as real of a solution as you can find and you won’t get such a headache from searching for a solution and reason as to why you feel so stuck, instead you’ll feel better. Because you just released all that was holding you back in the first place.

Whatever those reasons may be and all the various ways this can be said and done, just remember, it’s okay to cry.

Remember to check out my blog post titled “I’ve Learned Healing is Feeling,” for more in depth ways if you need tools to begin with or to help.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned I’ve Got to Stop Running

girl-running
I’m not sure I ever get lost as much as I run away.

I don’t think I am ever really lost or get lost. I more or less just run away. All this time I thought I was lost and couldn’t understand or how it happened or what I could do to stop it. But then I realized all I had to do was quit running. Quit running from myself, my true self. Quit not living up to my potential in order to prevent myself being revealed to me more and more. I can’t just pick and choose when I want to be myself. I can’t keep unconsciously yet purposely finding distractions in order to create madness in my life so that I can escape my excruciating purpose. I’ve got to stop running. There is nothing chasing me anymore. What I am running from can never be out ran because it exists inside me, it is me. And I’m not going anywhere no matter how fast I run or how far or how long or with who. I’m only delaying the inevitable. My true self will always prevail no matter how defiant I become, and I need to accept this. The real me got tired of chasing and tired of warning this person I’ve become. I mustn’t keep running. Sometimes I stop running and turn around, I really do. But I have the tendency to turn back and find a reason to run again. But next time I won’t be so lucky, I may just keep running and if I approach a cliff I’d automatically be willing to jump. If I make it that far there is no hope I’d ever come back. And then there’s no chance I can stop running or reconnect with my true self. I’d have left this world some person I am not all because I couldn’t handle all that I really am in this world where it seems my kind are extinct. All that I am made and meant to do, and I’ve always known this. I know I must do it. It’s clear I have no choice. I must stop running. When I am my true self I just have to reach the edge of the cliff just to see but I know I must stop and turn around and start walking back. The running is over and there is no where else to run. Do I keep running over the ledge or will I turn around? I will always run to the ledge but now it is only I who can stop me from falling. It is only me alone, who can call me back. It is only me who looks over the edge but know I must walk back. I look because I have to. But I do not wish to fall anymore. I come to the conclusion that is not who I really am. So my running is over. And there won’t be a next time. When I get back to where I started from, I will realize I can only keep moving forward and if I look back I will know I’ve stop running a long time ago.

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All images © 2012 Warner Bros. Pictures. Photos courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned it’s Okay to Get Excited

As we live our lives and grow older and begin to learn more about life and ourselves as individuals, we tend to come across subtle qualities about ourselves we weren’t aware of before. One thing I have noticed is that as we grow older it becomes more difficult to get excited about anything. This came about through years of being told to “smile” and to “cheer up” or better yet, “show some excitement.” On the inside I was excited but I just didn’t get why those around me didn’t see it. As children it is easy to jump up and down with excitement but not so much as adults. The reason I feel this way is because as a child I would get excited about something and then right away it would be taken away from me. Some adults around me would use what I was excited about as punishment. For example, if I got excited about going to a friends house for a party or to go swimming that day, that was exactly what would get taken away from me if those adults found it necessary to punish me for something.If I had a toy I really liked, that would be taken away from me and so on.

So I would begin to hide my excitement in order for those things not to be taken from me. This, I believe, led to a lot of inaction on my part with a lot of instances throughout my life where I could have applied myself more but didn’t because this was holding me back. I began to realize I hadn’t been excited about much in a long time. I knew there was a lot to look forward to and be excited about but when it came to expressing that it was almost non-existent. All my accomplishments in life were not met with the excitement and gratitude they deserved because of this. I realized there was shame associated with being excited. That those punishments piled up to the point that I had to adjust and hide such excitement in order to keep what it was I was excited about. Because if I let it show then it was in danger of being taken away. I still remember the feeling I would get. Almost like a feeling of betrayal which led to being hurt and then led to hiding it in the future. So immediately following my feelings of excitement would be a feeling of loss. Going from super excited to extremely disappointed and hurt.Even if the punishment did justify what I did wrong there were still times that it wasn’t warranted and that is why it manifested into what it did as I grew up. Because not every time I was punished did I deserve it. The punishment did not add up therefore, I did not understand. So it amounted to more and more confusion which caused me not to see what was really going on. I associated my punishment to being excited when really it had nothing to do with it. Yes, my excitement was being used against me which led me to hide it more, but now as an adult, there is no one to use it against me. There is no reason to punish myself. Self-sabotage is a form of punishment that stems from what I am talking about. Where I would take over the role of the adult and take something taken away from me just because I was so used it, I would delay the inevitable and get something taken away from me because that is how I had been programmed to think. When really, it doesn’t have to be that way, and I see that now.

This revelation came about in many ways, but it became real when I first began practicing yoga in group settings with an instructor. We were in the middle of the balance training and I completed the whole routine without falling. It was like I went somewhere else completely and allowed myself to trust myself while shutting down all thoughts and maintaining focus. After it was over I automatically started smiling and immense excitement took over. But as soon as the instructor noticed and complimented me, I felt ashamed I was so happy and excited. I took note of that incident and finished the class. But I had much more work to do afterwards. My inability to feel excitement was accompanied with shame and succeeding. And even worse, I was embarrassed that I felt it, and that was reflected back to me through my instructor. My instructor was supporting my growth instead of trying to take it away. It was the support afterwards that made the difference and set the stage for change in myself. Something different happened and I took notice. Something so simple opened up a complex pattern I had formed. So, I guess when I realized that, it had a different effect on me, which allowed me to see it differently from how I had before. Having this happen in front of another person is a key element in the equation because they are observing it right there with you, making it more real. It’s one thing to experience things like this alone but it’s completely different and more productive in the company of others, because I thought I didn’t get embarrassed, but what was going on inside me embarrassed me. Others can serve as reflectors and there is a difference between that and projection, so it’s important to know the difference. Anyway, yoga was leaving me with no choice but to express and it came about automatically. This can be attributed to the fact I shut down my thoughts and allowed it to come through me to be expressed, easily. There were no filters or hiding anymore which eventually left nothing but the truth at that moment in time. It was a moment I’ll never forget and really weird at the time, but it never happened again. Eventually, I’d do my yoga and the excitement and appreciation for my findings, remained with me each time. If I succeeded, I’d smile with the instructor and thank her instead. I’m no longer ashamed of my capabilities. It was okay I was getting good at my yoga. No one can take that away from me and I see that now. I’ve learned it’s important to take responsibility for your successes as well! Never downplay your potential or how far you’ve come. I’ve learned it was me who worked hard to earn those successes.

Then I remembered something. I think I was remembering the first time it ever happened. It reminded me of the time my mom heard me sing a song about a homeless man I saw sitting across the street and my mom gave me a compliment as she was walking by me. I couldn’t have been older than 5. I remember not caring if anyone was listening but also hoping no one was. Because if no one was listening I could sing about this man with all I had and not be embarrassed of the emotions I was feeling. I was intrigued with empathy for this man which was the gist of the song. My mom told me it was a beautiful song and instantly I was embarrassed and ashamed just for expressing myself. Maybe even more embarrassed I was caught having empathy and curiosity and that man. I don’t think I ever sang like that again. But I turned to writing eventually, so maybe it all worked out. Anyway, it’s like the more compliments and evidence appearing that I was good at something, the more I’d not want to do it anymore. I was learning to hide. It started that young if not earlier. I’ve also learned to accept compliments, but that is another story that shall be told another time.

For another example, it also reminded me of a time when I was six and we were playing around the world with multiplication flash cards. I was really good at it and won every time. Eventually, the teacher agreed to skip the kids who usually won to let the kids who never one play a game with just themselves. So in a way I felt like I was being punished for being smart. I didn’t mind letting the other kids play, but I remember the feeling of being left out of something I was extremely excited about. The teacher decided this after she announced we were playing so I got up all excited to only have sit back down with disappointment in a quick minute. I was always so excited when the teacher would say we were playing that game and then it was taking away while implanting a seed that implied being smart means you will be left out or that it wasn’t a good thing. Plus the game was taken away from me at the same time. Once again, my excitement proved to cause something to get taken away. I knew then and know now I wasn’t being punished but it still made its impact on me. It’s funny how these things manifest later in life. I was always two grades ahead in math throughout school, but eventually I not only learned to hide my excitement, but I also learned to hide how smart I really was. Even though I was always two grades ahead in math, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t smart enough to know it was better to be smart than to fit in so I wouldn’t be left out. I felt punished for winning every time when I should have been supported. I see now that this is the past and just because I felt that way doesn’t mean they had bad intentions, I know that, I’m just pointing out how these little things do add up and do make impressions on us as we grow up, especially as a six year old. And how we can be oblivious to how they manifest inside us and affect us throughout our lives. But as we get older we get a clearer perspective and realize it doesn’t have to a part of us anymore. We don’t have to let it define us. Sometimes we take the past and make it out to be much worse than it actually was and other times we take a look at the past and realize it was more important than we thought at the time. We either blow it out of proportion or we don’t give it enough significance to begin with. I’ve learned to take notice of just the importance of past incidents and see them for what they were instead of blowing them out of proportion.

Then I realized that this little habit had been holding me back from expressing much throughout my life. It stopped me from expressing appreciation for those in my life also. With no excitement came a mound of other emotions that weren’t being expressed due to me being shut down as a child. My ability to express excitement eventually ceased which led to the emotions that normally occur afterwards to cease also. I began to wonder if this led to people thinking I didn’t appreciate things they were doing for me because I couldn’t express it. Like I had a built in mechanism that prevented me from doing so out of fear that it would be taken away or that it was too good to be true. I didn’t realize how it was effecting those close to me. All because of these incidents long ago.

Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to be excited! Which led me to learn to express gratitude. Which led me appreciate those in my life more and be able to show them also. I saw the foolishness in it and since have recovered my inner child and accomplished feeling excitement again. This was accelerated through my yoga practice while it allowed this problem to magnify and come to the surface to be expressed in order for me to understand it better. Although I was caught off guard at first, it was exactly what needed to happen in order for me to discover and heal this aspect of myself. That day in yoga allowed me to feel excitement/happiness and then express it and then I was able to observe my negative reaction to it especially in the presence of another person. That was key. I came to the conclusion that only I can take away the things that I’m excited about, and that there is no one else that can. This also is great insight into self-sabotage behavior which overflows into relationships because even people would get taken away from me, but that is a story that should be told another time.

As I ventured down this road further, I’ve learned if I build up a lot of excitement and things don’t go as planned that that is okay also. It’s important to understand that when things don’t go as you pictured to not let it disappoint you. It’s okay to be excited and have expectations but it’s important to not build up what the outcome will be and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen exactly as you thought. So even though I am now able to express excitement when I am excited about something but I also do not create expectations. With expectations comes disappointment. It’s important to let go of control with the outcome. I’ve learned that through discovering my inability to express excitement due to my fear of it being taken away (whether it be a thing, event, a pet, or person), that it led to many other inabilities that stemmed from this. It almost led to a life of apathy from just this isolated incident. But if you are aware of what caused it then you can go back to the root of the problem and understand why you are the way you are and it is possible to recover what was once lost. Because it is still a part of you, you just have to find it again. But most of all, I’ve learned if you hide your excitement you are missing out on the one thing that allows your passions to come to the surface. And without knowledge of what drives you, you will never know what you want or what will make you happy.

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(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

Save Yourself, Save the World

When you first find out, you are angry. Not just with all those who have hurt you but also with the all lies it unravels. From the microcosm to the macrocosm you are are angry with it all. Then you feel you must do something. That it is your place in the world to do something, drastic, right now. Warn everyone! Agree with conspiracies because you can’t cope. It hits you hard, like a movie that just became real. You get all this intense energy flowing through you and don’t know where to place it all. After all those years of sensing something was amiss, you finally were proven right. But at first you feel you are the only one. So you try to spread the word to as many people as possible. You search for others. You notice things you never noticed before. You get confused on what is important and what isn’t because you fall and become full of pride but that doesn’t last long. Because there was always reminders to lead you back. Then you realize that this might affect your survival and perhaps there is another way. You realize it’s best to keep it to yourself. You may isolate and learn more that way. People will think you are crazy and therefore be cut off from the very things you need to survive – human contact, social structure, community, and money. So you then begin to see that you need to play it cool. You need to know but act like you don’t know. That is how you make a difference at first. You become an actor. But soon enough you won’t even care because you will have understanding. You will understand everything with such clarity that lets you coast into the next stage which is integration. Integration of who you really are and who they say you are. You become who you are meant to be. Just a little bit more each time. You start to use your own words, your own ideas. You will then begin to live it. Just be it. That is what it feels like. It feels like an urgency at first but then slowly you begin to realize it was something you knew all along. You always knew it but stayed in your comfortable illusion while knowing it would never get you anywhere. Mostly to survive in your environment. Then you realize that you did survive your environment and if you could do that then you can do anything. You notice that it is rare to not be effected by your environment, to hold onto hope. To not become like them. To know that something else is out there. Something better for you. Something waiting on you. Something inside you. You always saw the pointlessness in your world before but yet the structure had a strong grip. Then you begin to break free from that grip. You become familiar with the fetal position. But you muster all that you can and you don’t stop until you have the facts. Even then, you never stop searching. You never stop questioning. But you survive. You create a balance. But you can handle it. You falter occasionally but never give up. Because you begin to realize that the problem exists in you first. Our world is because of the human condition. You begin to see it in everything. All around you. You get thrown into situations that highlight this on magnitude levels. The way people are because of what they are feeling on the inside and how it is a direct reflection of the outside. You gaze a little more up at the night sky. Then you begin to notice that you too, are human. After thinking that you didn’t belong here or you must not be human, you really see that you are. Just having a different experience and outcome. You realize that in order to change our outer world, we must change who we are at the core first. Only then are we able to make a difference. You realize you aren’t really angry and that nothing needs to be done right now like shouting from the rooftops to get everyone’s attention, to wake them up. You think you are angry because you feel betrayed. But then you realize you were only betraying yourself and you can’t live with being angry at yourself. So you learn forgiveness and you learn to forgive yourself. You do this through emotional alchemy because you realize it causes harm to us all otherwise. You bring up all the darkness buried inside of you and embrace it because you can no longer deny or repress it. You accept it as a part of you but you do not let it control you. Anger transmutes into gratitude and that becomes key. You learn more about your dreams and happiness and make it happen. You come to the most profound conclusion and experience that you are worthy and you didn’t even know that you thought you weren’t. This strikes up great passion that laid dormant for a long time. Which leads you to find out just who it is that you really are. Which leads to unconditional love for who you really are. Which becomes unconditional love for others. You take responsibility for the past and continue to do so into the future. It is up to you. You realize that people will not listen to you anyway, no matter how much you care. You notice everyone comes through at their own time and only if and when they want to. You accept everyone for where they are at. Especially yourself. You find out we are all connected in this way. Then…….

You realize if you heal yourself, you heal the world. Then the real adventure begins. And it never really ends. All you need to do is remember because it will be so easy to forget. You do, indeed exist for this reason.

 

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

Big Heart, Small World

Before it occurs

she knows it will happen

at first she thinks it will not

or it’s impossible

but it’s out of her control

feels like a heavy load

a cross to bare

she just needs that one

to breakthrough

with her

beside her

someone brave

yet afraid

to know that she’s worth it

a thousand times more

than the picture

that has been painted

so much more

than the eye can see

she’s given so much more

than you could believe

depleted her blood flow

making her weak

she tries to speak

knows she shouldn’t react

because it’s too deep

when she does

she reminds herself it’s over

now she waits

for someone to give some back

to her

she found it in herself

but doubts it can be found

anywhere else

When she does

it’s taken away

as if her purpose

is to do so

as if she is forever tortured

for a lifetime

when she realized this

she wept for days

to know can be a curse

at best

she can smile

knowing something big

bigger than herself

exists

while she shares it away

for the good of us all

heartbreaking still

to know

they stole it

and

her life is like this

they come and go

but she still cares

but she can say it’s okay

because a heart like that

never grows old

never grows tired

always repairs itself

to do better

But after it happens

she starts to wonder

why she loves so much

but can’t let herself be loved

because love like hers

can’t be matched

and no one is up

for the challenge

in this small world

all the others

the other big hearts were ruined

far too soon

but not forever.

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

I’ve Learned You Can’t Change the Past

Throughout our lives we tend to repeat cycles. These cycles consist of patterns we have formed early in life and continue to do so as we live. Unless we become aware of what it is that we are doing and why, these cycles will continue. You must look deep within to find the root of the problem and where it stems from and then seek solutions that are much more fitting to the person who you’ve grown into. If we don’t allow ourselves to grow with life, our growth becomes stunted and therefore we keep repeating cycles and may never know why.

Sometimes, we even go as far as trying to change the past in present situations. For example, if as a child you felt like you did not recieve the love from a parent that you should have, you will continue to choose people to love who do not love you back in order to try to change the past by making them love you. You think if only this person who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved, would just love me, then you will feel validated and all the wrongs of the past can be corrected. I’ve learned this does not work at all. It will only end in heartbreak, just as it did as a child.

I’ve learned you cannot change people. You cannot change the past by trying to use the present to do so. It can become a viscous, endless, cycle and you will miss out on the right opportunities for love and acceptance by trying to find it through people who just aren’t able to give it to you. It may start out as an unconscious act but after numerous failed attempts, you start to notice something isn’t right. How many times can you go through the same motions with the same type of people before you start to question if it is maybe something you are doing wrong instead of the other people. Of course they hurt you but it was your decision that allowed it to happen.

I’ve learned you must go to the root of the problem. I began to ask myself where did it all begin? Why do I try to change people? Why do I pick people who I mean nothing to? Why do they mean so much to me? How can I do something different? I began to delve deep into why I was doing what I was doing. I picked people who were always emotionally unavailable and distant. They would gain my love and then use it against me. I was always the other woman. The girl who could be taken advantage of and placed on the back burner. I began to want more. I realized how detrimental it was to my mental health. After, a relationship in which I was abused constantly, I woke up. After that, it seemed little by little I was getting better. Each new relationship was just a little less severe than the last. I still wasn’t getting it right. I still haven’t today. The difference between then and now is that I am aware and have made the necessary changes and have witnessed tremendous growth in my reaction to my decisions. I no longer fear rejection and no longer care about people who do not care about me. I simply do not put up with it.

I’ve learned that there was a solution and I was going to work hard to achieve it any way possible. I’ve learned I was repeating a cycle that was carried with me from childhood. I knew I had to change. I was no longer the victim but instead I took responsibility for my choices and began to see I deserved to be treated right. It was almost like a game I would play but I didn’t realize I was losing every time. I always felt I did some good or touched those people in a way that they had never had before. But even if I did make some kind of impact on their lives, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter, because they still would never care or become what they were not. I began to see that I had never surrounded myself with good people because I was trying to change the past.

I’ve learned that really nothing we do is really at the heart of other people’s actions. Other people’s actions have nothing to do with our choices but more so our emotions and the weight of them we have carried with us and our reactions to them at the time. I’ve learned we are judged by our emotions also. Because a lot of our choices are driven by our emotions at the time because we bring emotional baggage into the present so we are also misrepresenting ourselves by not sorting through the past and getting it confused with the present.

Anyway, when I realized what I was doing it set the stage for change. I knew what I wanted and that wasn’t it. It was masochistic behavior and after I began to love and care for myself I saw that I didn’t want to do that anymore. In life, I had healed a lot of the destructive relationships that started this cycle in the first place. When I began to see that the people I thought hurt me as a child were human and I was capable of making the same mistakes, I realized it was nothing personal. The hurt they caused had nothing to do with me but everything to do with themselves, and what they were going through at the time. The most important thing I’ve learned is not to take things personal or distort them internally as something that was my fault. You cannot blame yourself for other people’s actions. They almost never have to do with you. It’s so easy to fall into that trap especially if you love them and are empathetic towards them.

Now, I no longer try to change the past. If I recognize I’m going through a similar situation I back out before it becomes something worse. I do not keep going if I get that impending doom feeling like I am repeating the cycle. I do get a feeling each time and become a little disappointed but I have learned to be patient with myself. At least I am recognizing it and finding a solution as soon as possible instead of continuing to repeat the cycle. This is relevant with all relationships with anyone close to me. You may be surprised to find that those closest to you, such as family members, will catch on to the fact that you aren’t putting up with the same nonsense and notice you react different to them and if they really love you they will support you and those are the exceptions, because they will change for you enough because it’s almost like you send out a ripple effect and if they really want you in their lives then they too, will start to react different and that is the only thing you can change, which happens in the present. And that is if you are lucky enough to be really loved by those closest to you. Not everyone will be capable of this so it can be futile. But After I realized not to take things personal, I then learned that I had a choice in how I reacted to it. Most of the time, I would have enough respect for myself to not put myself in that situation with that person ever again. And sometimes I would ignore it and hop on board as if it’s one last attempt to change the past as if I’m participating in a research project. In the end the conclusion is always the same and leads to feelings of regret and foolishness. Now I recognize the pattern and no longer indulge when I know that I shouldn’t. Although, you have to get to know people, but it’s important after you find out that they are in the category of what you have been repeating then it is time to end it. You must do something different the next time. It is okay to falter. It is okay to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same empathy you give those people and tell yourself no matter what happens, it will be okay. Use the trust you have built for yourself by not continuing the cycle and use that for future decisions. This isn’t a process that happens all at once, rather it happens a little bit at a time. With each new or existing relationship you have like this, you will start to notice more and more progress with each one. Soon enough those relationships won’t even exist in your life anymore because you will not be making the same decisions and you will be a different person so then you will attract the right people for you into your life. You will no longer feel the need to validate yourself by trying to correct the past through present situations. You will see how silly it all is and unless you fear change you will prevail. It is important to realize you are worth it and not to fear leaving your comfort zone.

Overall, I’ve learned that sometimes we try to correct the past by using our present relationships and circumstances. If we are not aware of the pattern and do not pin point it’s origin then we will continue to try to correct the past through present situations. I’ve learned that if we realize not to take things personal because most likely the person is expressing their own issues and it has nothing to do with you then we can change the way we react to these types of situations. I’ve learned that this is a long process and progress is made little by little. I’ve learned if your will is strong enough then the solutions will be there. I’ve learned that if you fail slightly not to give up because it will happen. At least you are trying to do better next time. I’ve learned that if we do not heal what happened in the past and make peace with it then it will continue in the present. It’s important to express any disappointments you feel these people in the past have cause you and then forgive them. It was nothing you did. The only thing you can control now is how you react to similar situations in the present. By going to the source and where the problem originated we are able to feel and heal and move on in the present. Sometimes we must go back in order to heal. But once that is complete we are free to enjoy the present because we see that our self destructive patterns stem from something that isn’t even real anymore. It was only what we perceived to be real at the time and carried with us into adulthood without even realizing it. what i mean is it wasn’t real because it was all lies and not real love. Things will happen and people will come along to wake us up to our cycle because after a while we will start to question why this keeps happening? We realize we do have a choice. And if you want it bad enough you can stop the cycle. It all comes from knowing yourself first and then acting on what you find. I’ve learned I no longer search for validation to right the wrongs of the past as I have come to peace with it. I’ve learned situations will arise to test me to see where my progress is. I know I am getting somewhere when I do not react the same way and see things how they really are instead of how I used to see them. I’ve learned those people do not change but I can. We are capable of so much, and the results are not always immediate, but when you realize you are getting somewhere, you will want to keep going. You will eventually do something different the next time. In conclusion, I’ve learned I cannot change the past by repeating cycles.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned Self Hatred Stems From Judgement

Throughout my journey I have learned that we judge ourselves harshly. We can repress those feelings towards ourselves to where they come out later through judging someone else or self hatred. If you really felt good about yourself, you would not need a reason or even feel like judging another, especially ourselves. We judge ourselves when we feel we have done something against our standard moral code. Our moral code that we only think is permanent. We think that we put so much work into developing this character we play based on our perception of our beliefs, that it can’t be changed. It would cause too much pain and is too much work, we think. We cling to it as if we are so scared to start again. What we don’t realize is life will do that and it’s inevitable. Life will prompt you to change. Will you allow it or will you fight it and continue to suffer? It’s important to realize there will be no instant gratification and you will need to keep that in mind.

Life will throw situations at you that you never thought you’d be in and leave you with the choice in how to handle these situations. When we have to make choices that go beyond our present beliefs about right vs. wrong, we seem to think we did something wrong. Hence this judgement against ourselves. When our actions do not line up to our core beliefs and you have to act outside those beliefs, we feel separated from them and feel that we have done something terrible. But did we really do something terrible? Or were we just adapting to the game of life? Of course, it depends on the situation. I’m not talking about huge ethical dilemmas like murder, but rather our personal, self image type dilemmas. Although, that sounds like another story for another time. So many variations can come about in our personal lives and I’m sure everyone has a different one.

Anyway, this dilemma inside of us causes a great deal of suffering, if not most of it. We can’t avoid suffering but we can adapt. If you are suffering, take an intense look into your belief structure of right vs. wrong. Some of your beliefs may have been developed such a long time ago that they just became so natural you aren’t even aware of them. So, when you feel you are suffering, it is time to take a look at the very core and existence of these beliefs. Where did they come from? When did I develop this belief and Why? You may not even believe the same thing anymore but since you are so used to it you aren’t aware it is causing you to suffer. As we go through life, our lives and who we are constantly change. If you can’t adapt your belief systems to what you have learned, then you will deny any new information just to stay comfortable. And it will cause you suffering.

There have been many instances throughout the last couple years where I realized I had been holding on to fantasies, for example. Fantasies in which would never be a reality. So, when the world didn’t match up to what I imagined, I suffered. I realized I had adapted to beliefs as a child that were keeping me from growing. So I went back. I went back to the root of the problem. Where the fantasy first game into action and why. I realized it was time for an upgrade. Time to balance my fantasies with reality. To see the world as it truly was and that meant I had to re-wire my whole outlook. For example, the way people treat each other astonished me. I couldn’t understand that not everyone treated each other the way I would want to be treated. When I realized the world is full of cruel people due their own problems, I had to change my perspective. So I planted seeds of truth in their place. I realized it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I had been suffering for no reason at all. I learned that my old beliefs were causing me to suffer because I hadn’t changed them as I matured. So I was growing faster then my beliefs and they weren’t matching up and therefore, I suffered. I am now able to see the world as it is. There are cruel people and I will come into contact with them. This only led me to see that we all face this dilemma to an extent. This is why we don’t trust people. We encounter day in and day out all the cruelty of the world which leads us to believe we can’t trust anyone. But then what about the people that can be trusted? We tend to forget there are good people out in the world. This dilemma makes it difficult to distinguish who we can and cannot trust. I learned that there are people who treat others poorly but there are still people who do not. I thought to myself at one point, if I exist then other people like me must exist too. Then I realized that I had the potential to treat others poorly but choose not to. I learned when and if I do treat others poorly it is because I am suffering due to conflict between my actions and beliefs.

Furthermore, we suffer because we feel we have done something outside of our moral code. This whole life we have lived has been built inside the walls of our beliefs of right vs. wrong. That is how we make decisions. We must consider how our decisions will affect us after it’s all said and done. I’ve learned this is also where anxiety comes from. Anxiety comes about when we are not aligned with our moral codes of who and what we think we should be. That is just it, we shouldn’t have to think about who and what we want to be. This is a vicious cycle of trying to perfect the human condition as individuals. It will drive you mad if you try to be perfect, by trying to be this or trying to be that. It doesn’t matter how many articles you read in a magazine about the perfect way to do something, you will not always get it right the first time. In reality, we are human and therefore, we will always be in conflict with our beliefs and ourselves if we don’t realize that there is no right or wrong in which to perceive ourselves. And it all depends on the life that you have led. Therefore, there are as many different varieties of belief systems as there are people on this planet. It’s so complex but you can only navigate through your own system and understand yourself. And there is no black and white, here. You have to learn to just be. To let go of old beliefs and create new ones that match your current life.

Maybe when you look back to when you first developed a moral reasoning, you’ll notice it was because that’s what someone else said to believe. But as we grow and mature, we realize we are not what we once believed. We get so used to wanting to be what everyone else wants us to be because they told us to. I’ve learned this causes suffering because it covers up who we truly are and what we truly want as a person. If you are constantly clinging to beliefs that no longer serve you,  you will never learn or change. I’m not talking about religious beliefs. I’m talking about what and who you have always believed yourself to be internally.

The more we learn, the more we must be aware of what we learn about ourselves. If we can’t align and balance the past with the present, then it causes us to split off and become so conflicted that we think there is something wrong with us psychologically. We blame ourselves instead of realizing that we were just handling life the best we knew how at the time. That’s why there is no right or wrong. I think there is only right or wrong once you become aware. If you have the knowledge that something is absolutely wrong and you keep doing it, then that is where the line is drawn, and it becomes “wrong.” For instance, if you are aware that judgement causes suffering and you do nothing to change it, then it is wrong for you to continue questioning why you are suffering. It is right to take in new information and apply it to your world now in order to make things right inside you. It is not necessary to suffer the same way your whole life.

Some people cling to their old beliefs so tightly that it defines them forever. They build onto the old instead of creating the new. Their whole lives are based on tragedy because they cannot look inside themselves long enough to realize that it can change. It’s always going to be there, the old beliefs, but they do not have to define you or cling to your existence. You can acknowledge their presence but know that you gained the knowledge through experience to know you do not have to suffer anymore. You can forgive yourself and realize judging yourself only causes harm. Eventually, the old will fall away and become a distant memory but will not affect you.

This is where most self-hatred stems from. We learn to hate ourselves because we are programmed to believe we have to be a certain way in order to be accepted. We think we have to be who everyone else says we have to be and when we cannot, we fall into the pit of self-hatred. This makes me question if we all are just walking around hating ourselves so therefore we hate everyone else. The reflection of our inner world to our outer worlds lingering in our vision and we know it, but repress it, therefore keep doing it. Not realizing it doesn’t have to be that way. But I’ve realized sometimes, people, even people you love, will fall into the abyss of self-hatred and never return no matter how much you love them or let them know what you really see in them. You see the flaws and ethical dilemmas they face, but you love them anyway. You know they can never reciprocate, but you love them anyway. It exists in all of us and you understand that, but it is up to the individual to decide if they will feed into it or not. No matter what you do, you cannot change a person, they must change it within themselves. I’ve spent years on people that I loved, thinking I could help them see all the good that I saw in them to no avail. Those wars are futile. If you spend too much time and energy on another person, you will lose yourself. You can and will become exactly what you were fighting against if you don’t learn you cannot change people. It can become a selfish act and if you really loved them, you’d let them go. Everyone has their own path with or without you.

When we go through experiences like this with other people, we tend to become something we are not. We can fall into the pit with them. But if we are lucky enough not to fall with them and instead let go, we find that we take a piece of them with us. This causes conflict in our belief systems in which we judge ourselves harshly due to our relationship with them, and the merging of belief systems that occurs. It is so subtle that we don’t even know what happened until after the seed they had planted sprouted roots and we supplied the sun in which they grew. It’s really important not to lose yourself because you think you love someone. This was a belief system I had to update and change in myself. My belief of what love was, was completely off the mark, that I had a lot of re-arranging to do with my belief system. I realized I not only had to change my idea of what love was, but also change the way I was absorbing the people’s I loved beliefs as well. I took pieces of everyone I loved with me and had to learn that they were not my pieces, but theirs.

Overall, I’ve learned when our actions, due to life circumstances, cause us to go outside our normal boundaries of morals, we tend to judge ourselves harshly, needlessly. It will manifest in our outer worlds in ways such as judging others and self harm/hatred. If we can overcome judging ourselves, and learn that our belief systems can change with some work, then we can ease our suffering. After all, we are all human, living an experience in which we have no control over, and who knows what we will be faced with next. We must be flexible enough to change with these experiences. This sometimes may constitute we change our beliefs to match who we are today while applying our new knowledge of who we are today. Don’t fall into the trap of self-hatred. There is a solution. You will have to search deep inside yourself for the place in which this judgement stems from, and it is not easy. In the end it is you and only you, that has to live with the choices you make. If you can see where you were coming from in the first place and then forgive yourself, then judgement can and will cease to exist.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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