And all this time I didn’t even think or imagine they knew I existed. Maybe I could with others but for some reason, never considered it with their realm before. It hit like a realization that it was something I should have known but was okay with the feeling, like not being able to think of anything to write or the right words to say but then actually writing or saying them. It’s an immense feeling that can only explain the feeling this sentence would give if I could think of a way to describe it accurately. But the feeling ends when I realize I can’t think of what I really want to write because I keep thinking of all the shit I’ve heard along the way that is right or wrong when it sounds ridiculous because it is not what I really want to say. What I really wanted to say I probably ignored when it usually works out for the best, but that’s the feeling; Sweet Clarity. I’m hoping it will come again one day really soon.
Those on the other side where I only thought I could see through like I was watching television instead of peering through a mirror. Once I realized it was holding me back I became a part of their world while staying intact but only to bring the experience back. They are always there just like I am always here.All I have to do is ask or remember. It has been painstakingly right so far.
It’s like when you think you know something until you become a part of their world because you didn’t really know at all. We project and assume and chalk our behavior up to some experience we had with someone we didn’t like and so on.But we think there’s no use to explain because they aren’t listening anyway. We know because we do try. So we begin to wonder if they really see us? Are we really here? We don’t feel like we are truly being seen by the people around us. So when we are acknowledged in some higher fashion or by a higher being, we somehow still find ways to deny it although we should be working towards living it. Which allows me to see we aren’t any different than them, except they don’t seem to doubt our existence.
We somehow feel like we always knew it would happen so our reactions confuse even us. For our dreams are coming true and we can’t even recognize them because we have had so many years to buy into this bullshit even though now as I’m older I see right through it. But playing dumb is getting old and I will create a life where I do not have to play dumb anymore. I do not feel for anyone who creates their own storms while blaming childhoods they made up in their heads just to blame someone else or compete with another and then cry when it rains. I will no longer try to help you or give you any of my time unless of course I deem it fit.
For those who played along through continuous cycles just to reel you in with empathy while secretly envying you hence not caring about you although they may try to play the holier than thou type. It’s over, in my book. As I keep finding out, somethings never change, people just learn how to manipulate people to spend time with them because they already ran everyone off a long time ago.
And of course, some people do get better, I should know as I had the real deal. If only I knew back then it took ridding myself from a lot of love I thought I had for people to really going out there to really find it. And I didn’t even know I’d find it or was really looking for it, but really I was just surprised with what I found. The reward surpasses any small desire or need. I just kept getting better at it, better at remembering love and what it is about. I remembered everything. And I’ll never go back. I love too much, and that won’t change. What will change is the mask I’ve worn. It’s time to peel away it’s layer, and I can almost see you. I now know they and you can see me too.
(Copyright Kerrious2014 with all rights reserved).