Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “healing”

I’ve Learned; Ocean

The ocean can play tricks on you

lurking shadows

mistaken as jellyfish

who wash up on the shore

for us to look at

to really see them

as they are.

Translucent and fragile

yet swift and magical,

looking like big raindrops,

another trick the ocean beholds.

Dolphins swimming out beyond

the length you can’t go

but they look closer

closer than they seem

all I want

is to swim out to them

or for them to come closer.

But I just admire their journey

and follow them with my eyes

and to my surprise

I see a shark from the pier

and some stingrays too

it’s so beautiful

and insightful….

just as healing as the ocean can be

is just as surprising it can be too.

Just as calming it can be

is just as alarming it can be too.

I know the ocean does not belong to me

it belongs to those animals I see

I remain vigilant in your territory

just as you are with mine.

My vibrations ring out

to let you know

I’m not afraid

instead we become one

together in the vast waters

of the ocean

that you and me call home.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

She’s happy because she’s free.
That’s where it all began.
The fight for freedom,
even in her own way,
was inspiring.
If only to herself.

Once she noticed the chains,
she wouldn’t stop
until her hands were broke free.
Until she could taste freedom,
she would never be happy.
Until she could feel it,
to be sure it’s real.

And On the way
she found truth.

Truth yet to be revealed

And she’s learned….
Sometimes she is bad,
even for herself.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Cry

Why do some have to be alone to cry? Rather why do we think it is something to hide? Why can’t we share crying like we share laughter? Is it because we are ashamed? Don’t want to make the other person in our company upset? Is it uncomfortable? Is it uncomfortable to console a crying person? Do we talk ourselves out of it? Do we brush it off and tell ourselves we are okay? Do we think we are too strong to cry? Do we think we are being irrational because that is what we have always heard? Are we afraid to be vulnerable so much that it’s holding us back from expressing those tears when we so desperately need to in order to connect to others and heal? We all do it differently. Some really do seem irrational because they have let it build up so long that by the time it comes out they may need to check into a mental ward if it were witnessed because that’s how confused you can get if you don’t release it as soon as you can. As soon as we realize and understand. As soon as we understand our individual reasons and what we are going through, the more we can pin point your exact source of the pain/problem. It can and will manifest in other ways such as abuse, tearing others down, becoming numb or apathetic, paranoia, you name it, and all can happen before you even become of aware of the way it has made you. And then again some people do cry anyway, but still don’t understand because it is still a process. You can’t just go through the motions of crying without gaining the insight and healing it allows you to do. Without fully succumbing and becoming one with the process. It is intense and some people even procrastinate and continue to do so out of fear or laziness because they don’t wish to go through that again. They know what they are about to face and would rather avoid it in order not to understand but what they are missing is all the ways it helps afterwards, if only they would just keep going.

Some use it to manipulate others and they don’t have to be alone to do it. I think that is a big difference. (and other times we only think they are being manipulative when they are being genuine). Not everyone has a motive, some just need to have shoulder to lean on. Some have to be alone because it is such a powerful and personal thing because they really mean the tears that they cry. Which is even harder in a world that says vulnerability is a weakness. We sometimes have to be alone to cry because it’s that personal and it means that much to somebody. Whereas some people cry to get what they want, manipulation, so they have to be in front of people. Whereas those who cry alone need that space as if it is an almost sacred act. But to truly have people there for you to console you is sometimes all you have. I’ve seen those close to me break down in front of me time and time again throughout my life and sometimes that is all a person needs. To be seen, to not feel alone in their pain. But that pain is really only theirs to feel and then it helps to have someone witness it in order for that person to move on.Plus they do it in hopes that they can be cheered up in the process. I almost always try to have them laughing by the end which is another purpose it serves. Or help find a solution or something they aren’t seeing. Some don’t even know why they begin to cry but then continue to do the same things to hurt themselves anyway. Sometimes they just tell me afterwards, after they’ve cried and need to tell someone. And sometimes life’s circumstances are not in our control at all, like death, which is the most prevalent reason we cry. Sometimes all you can do is be there.

For example, I remember when my first grandparent to pass away died and that was also my first experience with death in my family for me. My mom woke us up for school that morning except she said we weren’t going to school because grandma died. But to get up and get dressed. She did it in her usual way and was trying to stay as normal sounding as possible to not upset us, or herself, really. So without hesitating, I got up and started to get dressed. Then we went about the routine of family gatherings and funerals. But it wasn’t until much time later that I was lying in bed one night and just began to sob. I was angry at God and asked him why? It just didn’t seem fair to me at the time. She was all we had sometimes. It was an unexpected death which is another reason it took so long to sink in and such. I began to feel bad about all the times I didn’t listen to her even. But I did not confront the situation until after everything had already passed. I was never spoken to about death and what we were doing as I think my mom was just going through the motions as well. Although she stayed strong for herself and us, she couldn’t do it all. I remember seeing her upset on the couch and just wanting to hug her so tight but she was so good at being okay that I thought she was okay even though I knew she wasn’t. I just hung out for a bit until she got up. Anyway, that night in bed I cried so hard and long and after my angry conversation with God, I stayed mad at him for sometime after that by the way, go figure. But if I knew then what I knew now, I would have immediately, when I saw my mom upset on the couch, I would have sat next to her and hugged her and we would have cried together. But instead I cried alone some time after her death instead of right away. It’s just the way things were and are for the most part. It always takes time but why should it take us so long to react? There are many factors but if you react right away you set the stage for healing right away.

Then some families instantly console each other after a death. Later in life, I once knew a family who did that in my presence and I immediately felt uncomfortable even though I was basically part of the family myself. I wanted to let them do their thing but sure enough they pulled me into the hug but I could not cry. I still had a delayed reaction and was trying to be strong for my boyfriend at the time. All I could do was be there.

Same thing happened when I watched a family dog die. I was with a family and we all sat around crying and consoling each other as the dog was lying on the living room floor. I had just walked into the room to see this. I found myself uncomfortable that time also and embarrassed to show emotion. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh because of it. I wanted to make everyone laugh but at the same time I knew what they were doing is what they needed to do. And the next day everyone was okay because they reacted right away and was able to move on right away.

Many stories later and even later on in life, I began to accept death. I saw it as something not to be upset about but to embrace. But there is no escaping being upset I’ve learned. Life does move forward whether I am upset at the time or later. And life does keep throwing these things at you and each time I understand more and more.

Furthermore,

Those who cry alone know the burden is theirs and theirs alone. Although, they don’t realize it doesn’t have to be. But even though I would listen to someone cry for hours doesn’t mean they would do the same for me. It’s true and funny enough, life eventually gives you people that you can do that with. You learn to console in a manner you see best at the time for the circumstance. You learn compassion is something that stays fresh in the present, despite what someone may have done in the past. Because when they call on you to cry to, you aren’t thinking about the past or if they would do it for you. All you know is that you are who they thought of when they need to cry because no one else they know would understand. They know you won’t think they are being stupid no matter how many times they try to convince you they are.

Those who cry alone can carry their burdens along with other people’s as well. I think that is the biggest difference.

When I cry I know there is no other solution. When I’ve gone through all the explanations in my head not to and searching for a way out of it. When really, I know now, that if my mind wonders as if it’s looking for a solution to feel better after an ordeal of some sort in life, and I still can’t think of why I feel so lost in my mind, that I just need to cry. It’s hard to convince myself it’s okay because I am always looking for ways to make things better but then I realized crying is actually the one thing that does make it better. And when I feel lost for words and can’t talk. The only solution is to cry and feel everything that I was trying to rationalize away in my mind as if I could take a paper towel and absorb the mess but instead I need to just let it go and see what I can find in the mess. Take notice to the formations, flow, and texture of the tears and how it feels good to do so. Recognize the images they bring to your mind. Grab onto the foreign feelings that come up until you can’t anymore. Have compassion for yourself. Rather than force yourself to think of a solution not to cry, think of all the reasons to cry because the images/feelings they bring are exactly why you are feeling stuck and why you are in confusion. Most of the time it is because we stay strong, because we know there is a time and place for everything. We do what we have to do but afterwards nothing else can be done besides to cry, alone, or with someone who will just be there, because that is the place you will find your answers, not through someone else giving you advice or talking but simply by being there. And sometimes, crying chooses the time for you, and when it comes is when it comes, all on it’s own timing. But now I know when there is no other solution, you must cry. There the answers reveal themselves. Because the tears have to flow out and be exposed to your skin and air then dry back into your skin in order to transform their very nature, which is rather a soothing realization that it’ll all be okay. Everything becomes something different afterwards. If only we can cry and not try to rationalize a million ways out of it because it isn’t irrational at all but the most rational and sane thing you can do at the time. Never keep the urge to control your tears, whether it be out of pain or beauty. Why do we see someone crying and think it’s an unusual and crazy act? Like the person crying is a monkey in a zoo and everyone else just stares or walks by. Never fight the urge to shed some tears. For they are as real of a solution as you can find and you won’t get such a headache from searching for a solution and reason as to why you feel so stuck, instead you’ll feel better. Because you just released all that was holding you back in the first place.

Whatever those reasons may be and all the various ways this can be said and done, just remember, it’s okay to cry.

Remember to check out my blog post titled “I’ve Learned Healing is Feeling,” for more in depth ways if you need tools to begin with or to help.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned it’s Okay to Get Excited

As we live our lives and grow older and begin to learn more about life and ourselves as individuals, we tend to come across subtle qualities about ourselves we weren’t aware of before. One thing I have noticed is that as we grow older it becomes more difficult to get excited about anything. This came about through years of being told to “smile” and to “cheer up” or better yet, “show some excitement.” On the inside I was excited but I just didn’t get why those around me didn’t see it. As children it is easy to jump up and down with excitement but not so much as adults. The reason I feel this way is because as a child I would get excited about something and then right away it would be taken away from me. Some adults around me would use what I was excited about as punishment. For example, if I got excited about going to a friends house for a party or to go swimming that day, that was exactly what would get taken away from me if those adults found it necessary to punish me for something.If I had a toy I really liked, that would be taken away from me and so on.

So I would begin to hide my excitement in order for those things not to be taken from me. This, I believe, led to a lot of inaction on my part with a lot of instances throughout my life where I could have applied myself more but didn’t because this was holding me back. I began to realize I hadn’t been excited about much in a long time. I knew there was a lot to look forward to and be excited about but when it came to expressing that it was almost non-existent. All my accomplishments in life were not met with the excitement and gratitude they deserved because of this. I realized there was shame associated with being excited. That those punishments piled up to the point that I had to adjust and hide such excitement in order to keep what it was I was excited about. Because if I let it show then it was in danger of being taken away. I still remember the feeling I would get. Almost like a feeling of betrayal which led to being hurt and then led to hiding it in the future. So immediately following my feelings of excitement would be a feeling of loss. Going from super excited to extremely disappointed and hurt.Even if the punishment did justify what I did wrong there were still times that it wasn’t warranted and that is why it manifested into what it did as I grew up. Because not every time I was punished did I deserve it. The punishment did not add up therefore, I did not understand. So it amounted to more and more confusion which caused me not to see what was really going on. I associated my punishment to being excited when really it had nothing to do with it. Yes, my excitement was being used against me which led me to hide it more, but now as an adult, there is no one to use it against me. There is no reason to punish myself. Self-sabotage is a form of punishment that stems from what I am talking about. Where I would take over the role of the adult and take something taken away from me just because I was so used it, I would delay the inevitable and get something taken away from me because that is how I had been programmed to think. When really, it doesn’t have to be that way, and I see that now.

This revelation came about in many ways, but it became real when I first began practicing yoga in group settings with an instructor. We were in the middle of the balance training and I completed the whole routine without falling. It was like I went somewhere else completely and allowed myself to trust myself while shutting down all thoughts and maintaining focus. After it was over I automatically started smiling and immense excitement took over. But as soon as the instructor noticed and complimented me, I felt ashamed I was so happy and excited. I took note of that incident and finished the class. But I had much more work to do afterwards. My inability to feel excitement was accompanied with shame and succeeding. And even worse, I was embarrassed that I felt it, and that was reflected back to me through my instructor. My instructor was supporting my growth instead of trying to take it away. It was the support afterwards that made the difference and set the stage for change in myself. Something different happened and I took notice. Something so simple opened up a complex pattern I had formed. So, I guess when I realized that, it had a different effect on me, which allowed me to see it differently from how I had before. Having this happen in front of another person is a key element in the equation because they are observing it right there with you, making it more real. It’s one thing to experience things like this alone but it’s completely different and more productive in the company of others, because I thought I didn’t get embarrassed, but what was going on inside me embarrassed me. Others can serve as reflectors and there is a difference between that and projection, so it’s important to know the difference. Anyway, yoga was leaving me with no choice but to express and it came about automatically. This can be attributed to the fact I shut down my thoughts and allowed it to come through me to be expressed, easily. There were no filters or hiding anymore which eventually left nothing but the truth at that moment in time. It was a moment I’ll never forget and really weird at the time, but it never happened again. Eventually, I’d do my yoga and the excitement and appreciation for my findings, remained with me each time. If I succeeded, I’d smile with the instructor and thank her instead. I’m no longer ashamed of my capabilities. It was okay I was getting good at my yoga. No one can take that away from me and I see that now. I’ve learned it’s important to take responsibility for your successes as well! Never downplay your potential or how far you’ve come. I’ve learned it was me who worked hard to earn those successes.

Then I remembered something. I think I was remembering the first time it ever happened. It reminded me of the time my mom heard me sing a song about a homeless man I saw sitting across the street and my mom gave me a compliment as she was walking by me. I couldn’t have been older than 5. I remember not caring if anyone was listening but also hoping no one was. Because if no one was listening I could sing about this man with all I had and not be embarrassed of the emotions I was feeling. I was intrigued with empathy for this man which was the gist of the song. My mom told me it was a beautiful song and instantly I was embarrassed and ashamed just for expressing myself. Maybe even more embarrassed I was caught having empathy and curiosity and that man. I don’t think I ever sang like that again. But I turned to writing eventually, so maybe it all worked out. Anyway, it’s like the more compliments and evidence appearing that I was good at something, the more I’d not want to do it anymore. I was learning to hide. It started that young if not earlier. I’ve also learned to accept compliments, but that is another story that shall be told another time.

For another example, it also reminded me of a time when I was six and we were playing around the world with multiplication flash cards. I was really good at it and won every time. Eventually, the teacher agreed to skip the kids who usually won to let the kids who never one play a game with just themselves. So in a way I felt like I was being punished for being smart. I didn’t mind letting the other kids play, but I remember the feeling of being left out of something I was extremely excited about. The teacher decided this after she announced we were playing so I got up all excited to only have sit back down with disappointment in a quick minute. I was always so excited when the teacher would say we were playing that game and then it was taking away while implanting a seed that implied being smart means you will be left out or that it wasn’t a good thing. Plus the game was taken away from me at the same time. Once again, my excitement proved to cause something to get taken away. I knew then and know now I wasn’t being punished but it still made its impact on me. It’s funny how these things manifest later in life. I was always two grades ahead in math throughout school, but eventually I not only learned to hide my excitement, but I also learned to hide how smart I really was. Even though I was always two grades ahead in math, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t smart enough to know it was better to be smart than to fit in so I wouldn’t be left out. I felt punished for winning every time when I should have been supported. I see now that this is the past and just because I felt that way doesn’t mean they had bad intentions, I know that, I’m just pointing out how these little things do add up and do make impressions on us as we grow up, especially as a six year old. And how we can be oblivious to how they manifest inside us and affect us throughout our lives. But as we get older we get a clearer perspective and realize it doesn’t have to a part of us anymore. We don’t have to let it define us. Sometimes we take the past and make it out to be much worse than it actually was and other times we take a look at the past and realize it was more important than we thought at the time. We either blow it out of proportion or we don’t give it enough significance to begin with. I’ve learned to take notice of just the importance of past incidents and see them for what they were instead of blowing them out of proportion.

Then I realized that this little habit had been holding me back from expressing much throughout my life. It stopped me from expressing appreciation for those in my life also. With no excitement came a mound of other emotions that weren’t being expressed due to me being shut down as a child. My ability to express excitement eventually ceased which led to the emotions that normally occur afterwards to cease also. I began to wonder if this led to people thinking I didn’t appreciate things they were doing for me because I couldn’t express it. Like I had a built in mechanism that prevented me from doing so out of fear that it would be taken away or that it was too good to be true. I didn’t realize how it was effecting those close to me. All because of these incidents long ago.

Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to be excited! Which led me to learn to express gratitude. Which led me appreciate those in my life more and be able to show them also. I saw the foolishness in it and since have recovered my inner child and accomplished feeling excitement again. This was accelerated through my yoga practice while it allowed this problem to magnify and come to the surface to be expressed in order for me to understand it better. Although I was caught off guard at first, it was exactly what needed to happen in order for me to discover and heal this aspect of myself. That day in yoga allowed me to feel excitement/happiness and then express it and then I was able to observe my negative reaction to it especially in the presence of another person. That was key. I came to the conclusion that only I can take away the things that I’m excited about, and that there is no one else that can. This also is great insight into self-sabotage behavior which overflows into relationships because even people would get taken away from me, but that is a story that should be told another time.

As I ventured down this road further, I’ve learned if I build up a lot of excitement and things don’t go as planned that that is okay also. It’s important to understand that when things don’t go as you pictured to not let it disappoint you. It’s okay to be excited and have expectations but it’s important to not build up what the outcome will be and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen exactly as you thought. So even though I am now able to express excitement when I am excited about something but I also do not create expectations. With expectations comes disappointment. It’s important to let go of control with the outcome. I’ve learned that through discovering my inability to express excitement due to my fear of it being taken away (whether it be a thing, event, a pet, or person), that it led to many other inabilities that stemmed from this. It almost led to a life of apathy from just this isolated incident. But if you are aware of what caused it then you can go back to the root of the problem and understand why you are the way you are and it is possible to recover what was once lost. Because it is still a part of you, you just have to find it again. But most of all, I’ve learned if you hide your excitement you are missing out on the one thing that allows your passions to come to the surface. And without knowledge of what drives you, you will never know what you want or what will make you happy.

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(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

I’ve Learned You Can’t Change the Past

Throughout our lives we tend to repeat cycles. These cycles consist of patterns we have formed early in life and continue to do so as we live. Unless we become aware of what it is that we are doing and why, these cycles will continue. You must look deep within to find the root of the problem and where it stems from and then seek solutions that are much more fitting to the person who you’ve grown into. If we don’t allow ourselves to grow with life, our growth becomes stunted and therefore we keep repeating cycles and may never know why.

Sometimes, we even go as far as trying to change the past in present situations. For example, if as a child you felt like you did not recieve the love from a parent that you should have, you will continue to choose people to love who do not love you back in order to try to change the past by making them love you. You think if only this person who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved, would just love me, then you will feel validated and all the wrongs of the past can be corrected. I’ve learned this does not work at all. It will only end in heartbreak, just as it did as a child.

I’ve learned you cannot change people. You cannot change the past by trying to use the present to do so. It can become a viscous, endless, cycle and you will miss out on the right opportunities for love and acceptance by trying to find it through people who just aren’t able to give it to you. It may start out as an unconscious act but after numerous failed attempts, you start to notice something isn’t right. How many times can you go through the same motions with the same type of people before you start to question if it is maybe something you are doing wrong instead of the other people. Of course they hurt you but it was your decision that allowed it to happen.

I’ve learned you must go to the root of the problem. I began to ask myself where did it all begin? Why do I try to change people? Why do I pick people who I mean nothing to? Why do they mean so much to me? How can I do something different? I began to delve deep into why I was doing what I was doing. I picked people who were always emotionally unavailable and distant. They would gain my love and then use it against me. I was always the other woman. The girl who could be taken advantage of and placed on the back burner. I began to want more. I realized how detrimental it was to my mental health. After, a relationship in which I was abused constantly, I woke up. After that, it seemed little by little I was getting better. Each new relationship was just a little less severe than the last. I still wasn’t getting it right. I still haven’t today. The difference between then and now is that I am aware and have made the necessary changes and have witnessed tremendous growth in my reaction to my decisions. I no longer fear rejection and no longer care about people who do not care about me. I simply do not put up with it.

I’ve learned that there was a solution and I was going to work hard to achieve it any way possible. I’ve learned I was repeating a cycle that was carried with me from childhood. I knew I had to change. I was no longer the victim but instead I took responsibility for my choices and began to see I deserved to be treated right. It was almost like a game I would play but I didn’t realize I was losing every time. I always felt I did some good or touched those people in a way that they had never had before. But even if I did make some kind of impact on their lives, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter, because they still would never care or become what they were not. I began to see that I had never surrounded myself with good people because I was trying to change the past.

I’ve learned that really nothing we do is really at the heart of other people’s actions. Other people’s actions have nothing to do with our choices but more so our emotions and the weight of them we have carried with us and our reactions to them at the time. I’ve learned we are judged by our emotions also. Because a lot of our choices are driven by our emotions at the time because we bring emotional baggage into the present so we are also misrepresenting ourselves by not sorting through the past and getting it confused with the present.

Anyway, when I realized what I was doing it set the stage for change. I knew what I wanted and that wasn’t it. It was masochistic behavior and after I began to love and care for myself I saw that I didn’t want to do that anymore. In life, I had healed a lot of the destructive relationships that started this cycle in the first place. When I began to see that the people I thought hurt me as a child were human and I was capable of making the same mistakes, I realized it was nothing personal. The hurt they caused had nothing to do with me but everything to do with themselves, and what they were going through at the time. The most important thing I’ve learned is not to take things personal or distort them internally as something that was my fault. You cannot blame yourself for other people’s actions. They almost never have to do with you. It’s so easy to fall into that trap especially if you love them and are empathetic towards them.

Now, I no longer try to change the past. If I recognize I’m going through a similar situation I back out before it becomes something worse. I do not keep going if I get that impending doom feeling like I am repeating the cycle. I do get a feeling each time and become a little disappointed but I have learned to be patient with myself. At least I am recognizing it and finding a solution as soon as possible instead of continuing to repeat the cycle. This is relevant with all relationships with anyone close to me. You may be surprised to find that those closest to you, such as family members, will catch on to the fact that you aren’t putting up with the same nonsense and notice you react different to them and if they really love you they will support you and those are the exceptions, because they will change for you enough because it’s almost like you send out a ripple effect and if they really want you in their lives then they too, will start to react different and that is the only thing you can change, which happens in the present. And that is if you are lucky enough to be really loved by those closest to you. Not everyone will be capable of this so it can be futile. But After I realized not to take things personal, I then learned that I had a choice in how I reacted to it. Most of the time, I would have enough respect for myself to not put myself in that situation with that person ever again. And sometimes I would ignore it and hop on board as if it’s one last attempt to change the past as if I’m participating in a research project. In the end the conclusion is always the same and leads to feelings of regret and foolishness. Now I recognize the pattern and no longer indulge when I know that I shouldn’t. Although, you have to get to know people, but it’s important after you find out that they are in the category of what you have been repeating then it is time to end it. You must do something different the next time. It is okay to falter. It is okay to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same empathy you give those people and tell yourself no matter what happens, it will be okay. Use the trust you have built for yourself by not continuing the cycle and use that for future decisions. This isn’t a process that happens all at once, rather it happens a little bit at a time. With each new or existing relationship you have like this, you will start to notice more and more progress with each one. Soon enough those relationships won’t even exist in your life anymore because you will not be making the same decisions and you will be a different person so then you will attract the right people for you into your life. You will no longer feel the need to validate yourself by trying to correct the past through present situations. You will see how silly it all is and unless you fear change you will prevail. It is important to realize you are worth it and not to fear leaving your comfort zone.

Overall, I’ve learned that sometimes we try to correct the past by using our present relationships and circumstances. If we are not aware of the pattern and do not pin point it’s origin then we will continue to try to correct the past through present situations. I’ve learned that if we realize not to take things personal because most likely the person is expressing their own issues and it has nothing to do with you then we can change the way we react to these types of situations. I’ve learned that this is a long process and progress is made little by little. I’ve learned if your will is strong enough then the solutions will be there. I’ve learned that if you fail slightly not to give up because it will happen. At least you are trying to do better next time. I’ve learned that if we do not heal what happened in the past and make peace with it then it will continue in the present. It’s important to express any disappointments you feel these people in the past have cause you and then forgive them. It was nothing you did. The only thing you can control now is how you react to similar situations in the present. By going to the source and where the problem originated we are able to feel and heal and move on in the present. Sometimes we must go back in order to heal. But once that is complete we are free to enjoy the present because we see that our self destructive patterns stem from something that isn’t even real anymore. It was only what we perceived to be real at the time and carried with us into adulthood without even realizing it. what i mean is it wasn’t real because it was all lies and not real love. Things will happen and people will come along to wake us up to our cycle because after a while we will start to question why this keeps happening? We realize we do have a choice. And if you want it bad enough you can stop the cycle. It all comes from knowing yourself first and then acting on what you find. I’ve learned I no longer search for validation to right the wrongs of the past as I have come to peace with it. I’ve learned situations will arise to test me to see where my progress is. I know I am getting somewhere when I do not react the same way and see things how they really are instead of how I used to see them. I’ve learned those people do not change but I can. We are capable of so much, and the results are not always immediate, but when you realize you are getting somewhere, you will want to keep going. You will eventually do something different the next time. In conclusion, I’ve learned I cannot change the past by repeating cycles.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned Feeling is Healing

Throughout my journey I have had trouble realizing all it means to be human. As if I wasn’t human at all but someone on the outside of the spectrum. Someone who didn’t understand human behavior. Someone who at least questions it instead of just accepting what it meant to be human. I would separate myself from all it meant to be human just in order to accommodate my confusion. Feelings were as foreign to me as the realization that I wasn’t feeling at all. I had built a wall, higher than any structure I could imagine on earth. I began to see it all around me. Repressed emotions in order to survive. Everyone afraid to express things in a healthy manner in order to not face what it is they were actually feeling. The bigger picture I was missing was this – I did not know how to express myself.

It took me some time to catch on to the fact that we need to feel in order to heal. If you have experienced any trauma/negative life experiences in life, especially at an early age, we tend to build walls. I specifically remember building mine. I built mine on the basis that it would protect me from being transparent or with a bit of imagination involved, it protected me from others who could see through me. From visitors in which I would rather protect myself against. I built it on one of those nights where thoughts ran rampant.  I was lying in bed one night as a child and started to picture my wall. I built it with bricks. I visualized brick after brick after brick until I had my fortress. Then I could instantly retrieve that wall at anytime, visually. I came to the point to where I allowed myself to manifest this wall fast. I will never forget that.

This memory did not resurface until a few years ago. I began to question why I remember that so vividly, because I had not pictured my brick wall in a long time. I had, in reality, built this wall in which I was only understanding through songs and life now. That wall was still there though, clinging to my existence without my knowledge. I was remembering because it was time to use that wall again. Except this time, I knew it was time to tear it down also.

This topic of building walls is something we all tend to do. I just happened to remember doing it and knowing I didn’t want it anymore. I came to conclusion that it is okay to have walls, but perhaps let them become transparent walls, at least. Walls made of glass instead of brick. It was no longer useful or a method in which I could hold onto any longer. I was facing a dilemma at that time in which my memory helped me with the answer. It may just be a metaphor in songs, but it is a real thing that happens to us all. How many bricks will you add?

Then I began to wonder why I had gone through the trouble that night, as a child, to even build such a thing? It came naturally, almost like i knew it was an option. I had options as to how high I wanted it. I could even chose the materials in which I would built it. I chose every last detail, including how fast I could use it. Every so often, this visual would come to mind, especially when I felt like what I was thinking could be used against me. And that’s just it, it was a defense mechanism. If they didn’t know what I was feeling, then they could never use it against me, hence the wall.

Now, what made this resurface last in life is that I was in a situation in which I felt even my thoughts were being used against me. Day in and day out, it felt like 1984 by George Orwell, in the midst of these people I was around. Then, I remembered the wall. I would visualize this wall when I felt my space was being invaded. To my surprise, it worked. They had no ammo to use against me.  I realized I had developed this technique for situations like these. Situations in which I could not handle the intrusion others were placing on me. Intrusions on my freedom of expression. I began to really focus on my thoughts. What were they using against me? What was I realizing about them? Why did this situation have any significance? Could I trust my feelings? I realized I wasn’t in control of my own mind or feelings because I never acknowledged them or anyone else’s there. I would ignore them to survive. Then I questioned if they were even my feelings at all? As I was picking up on other’s feelings as well, there. I’ve learned to distinguish my mind from others.  I’ve learned if you are not in control of your mind, then it is easy for another person to be. I’ve learned it’s okay to have a wall and in situations like this becomes handy as defense mechanism. I’ve learned it is better to naturally have transparent walls in most cases, though. It’s okay to have a wall as weapon only when needed especially if people around you are vicious enough to use anything against you. So, a wall is more like a pocket knife and used seldom. Because soon you can be equipped with the knowledge that it is okay to express yourself and doing anything different is harmful.

I’ve learned the defense mechanism, such as building walls was also what leads to repressed emotions and feelings. Feelings that need to be expressed but if it became uncomfortable, then surely I could use the brick wall. I had no idea just how much harm this was causing. My intentions when I was younger to build the wall was okay at that time, because I really did need something like that in order to cope and excel through life, but it is no longer relevant or needed.

I’ve learned that all the energy I spent not facing my feelings does not just disappear. They will linger and wait for you to feel and express them appropriately, or not. They do not dissipate or pretend it never happened. They will re-surface and cause confusion if not addressed properly. First, with understanding and second, readily applying that knowledge, we can overcome many many years of repressed emotions. You will first need to conquer having empathy for yourself, and that is a story that shall be told another time. But it is important because you will need that. You will need to be able to have the same empathy you acknowledge for others as you will need this for yourself in any situation where you have to face uncomfortable territory. You will also need to put your thoughts to rest through this process also, as they may contort your reality of the emotional situation. And live in the present with this new knowledge, instead of dwelling on the past. These past emotions will arise but it’s who you are now that matters.

When it comes to expressing these feelings, it’s rather important we do so with this knowledge and understanding and empathy intact first. But if that doesn’t happen, which is what happened to me, then sometimes these feelings will come out unhealthy and sometimes healthy, as well. When I say healthy, I do not mean to define it in any sense. But when I say healthy, I mean what is in your best interest and everyone else’s. I’ve learned that if you are not aware of any repressed feelings from the past then before you know it, it can destroy you, but nonetheless, they have to be felt. That is where a lot of confusion takes place, because you can’t possibly understand what is happening and therefore, never know what it is you are feeling or healing in the first place. You will use distractions and anything to numb the presence of these feelings lurking around you as if you know somethings there, but you would rather keep up the charade instead.

It takes courage and patience to process and face these situations. It is something that must be done in order to heal. First you need a form of release, whether it be music,movies,art, whatever moves you. The things that move you are actually the catalyst for this emotional alchemy to occur. We need a conduit that inspires us to have these feelings resurface. Then we need to have the awareness to recognize what we are feeling from the experiences. If it brings up anything from the spectrum of all emotions, then you will know you are getting somewhere. I’ve learned music is an awesome emotional thermometer. Pretty soon that song that used to make you sad, will no longer make you cry. And that is how you know you are getting somewhere positive.

Once these feelings come to the surface, then they are exposed and have to be expressed. This takes time, so make sure you have plenty of it and it’s not something you can do if other things are occupying your mind. It is something that must have dedicated time assigned to it, at first. Once these feelings come to the surface, you can chose to express them in a way you see fit. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like dancing, dance. If you feel like singing, sing. If you feel like talking, talk. If you feel angry, suicidal, depressed, or homicidal, then these feelings may pass, but it’s best to get professional help if that is the case. Sometimes, we aren’t going to be prepared for what we find so outside help is a must if these feelings do not subside after they have been released.

The whole point is to release them right away through this process in order for them to be gone for good. So if there is any concern, professional help is needed or at least talk to someone. Anyway, we must face what it is that has wounded us and evoke it to come to the fore front of your existence and face it, no matter what it is. Through this process, we heal just what it was that was weighing us down. Through the process of feelings these emotions, something magical happens. We no longer have to live with these repressed emotions, and the burden will be gone. There may be some residue after the initial releasing, but soon you’ll notice you don’t feel the same way about a particular song, or whatever it was that helped you anymore. It will only be a memory, the most concrete memory of a feeling you’ll ever know. And soon, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. You see things clearly and truthfully.

It’s easy to think that we can build walls and rely on our strength/stubbornness, but when it comes to our emotional body and past experience, we need to learn that these things must be expressed. I wonder if only we could value this as a society and at an early age, just how much different would the world be? With the understanding that feelings are in reality, real, but they do not have to control us. And if they do control us, we must learn to navigate our own spectrum of emotional turmoil/experiences. They do not define who you are. It only means you have had the courage in the past to open up your heart in a world that says it isn’t okay. To show expression on your face when the world says it is a sign of weakness. To give with the best of your ability in a world that only looks after themselves. Some people will say, “oh, that’s just the way the world is,” and I that is the one sentence I cannot fathom. It’s just how they accepted it to be and decided to make themselves a part of it to survive because that is what came naturally to them. But what if it doesn’t come naturally to be like that? What if your nature is the opposite?

Do not be too hard on yourself throughout the whole process. Remember, it is not a sign of weakness to release repressed emotions, but actually a sign of healing and tremendous strength. I’ve learned feeling is healing. I’ve learned the very feelings that need to be released, are the very feelings that are destroying us. I’ve learned they will destroy you, but you can always fight back. I’ve learned it is okay to do so in a world that says it’s a weakness. I’ve learned it is exactly what needs to be done in order to survive, not the opposite. I’ve learned no matter the name of emotion, if you can’t express it properly, it will destroy you instead. The best you can do is not ignore, but confront. So in the end, you are only hurting yourself, not protecting yourself if you conform to what the world says you should be like when it comes to expression.

Overall, I’ve learned that if you do not let out any emotion you feel especially love, it will become almost the opposite. If you are learning to love yourself and have not done your homework to the truth behind that idea, then instead it will only destroy you. If you don’t let this energy flow through you naturally and be expressed, then the energy has to go somewhere. I’ve learned to let these things go and have their way.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned to Take Up for Myself

Throughout my journey, there are certain questions I had and then would have to find the answers to. But then there are instances where the answers and lessons come before the question is even thought of. You may not be aware of the problem in the first place, let alone take the necessary steps to fix it. These are the instances in which the right people and situations will come to you when you are ready to learn the lesson. It may take a while for you to wake up to the problem and therefore, the problem will persist until you can see what is causing so much havoc in the first place. It may start with a lingering feeling that you are missing something and everyone knows but you. It may have caused a lot of pain. It may take courage and you would be surprised of what you are capable of with just a little understanding once you realize the problem.

For me, It was learning to take up for myself. The situation in which i learned to do so was through a job in which I worked for people I wouldn’t even believe existed unless I encountered it for myself. (Although, I am no stranger to taking up for myself in close personal relationships, I had to learn how to all over again in a different setting).This job taught me so much about life on a microcosm level. It pointed out a lot of what is wrong with the world. That tiny office, was the epitome of what is wrong with the world but couldn’t believe I’d be a part of. And once I learned the truth, I wasn’t a part of it any longer. Along the way, though, I endured much, and came out a better person. My perseverance surprised me wholeheartedly while I navigated through this period of my life.

For instance, I never realized I had so much trouble taking up for myself. See, I am really good at understanding why people act the way they do and most the time it just doesn’t bother me. I see if someone is going through a hard time or have problems of their own, then I would justify their actions with my empathy. I’d think they must be having a bad day and it’ll pass. If they treat me bad along the way, it says more about them than it does about me. Eventually you have to take up for yourself, or it will only continue and after a while it would hurt my feelings. Due to the fact that I knew I’d never treat them like that and after a year of showing dedication to that job and loyalty to those people, you’d think they would have started to treat me with respect, but that is not the case.

This goes back to my previous post where I mentioned people will use that inner critic against you, they will also use your strengths against you also. At one point, after displaying characteristics such as honestly, loyalty, kindness, gratitude, and not to mention the hard work I was putting into that place, my office manager would start to discredit even my personality and all the good things about me. She’d find out I was honest, and then accuse me of lying. She’d find out I was loyal, and then accuse me of not caring about the patients or the office. She’d find out I was kind, and would start rumors about me in order for other co workers to become hostile towards me. She’d notice I developed a technique that works and then hide the materials I’d need to do it again. She’d find out I was hard working, and then piled more work on me while refusing to give me a raise. She’d find out I could handle even all the extra work she’d demand but then watch my every move in order to find just that one thing to complain about and then find me incompetent while degrading me behind closed doors to my boss.

Throughout it all, I knew the lady had problems and at first I thought she was helping, but she was just trying to lure me in so then she would have more control over me. At first, I would just listen to everything she was telling me about my job, in which she never even went to school for, and how things are supposed to be done there. I would take mental notes and go back and do better next time. Each time, I would apply what I was told, only to then have her find more and more and more. It was a vicious endless cycle. I learned that she had psychological issues in which she thought she was hideous looking and never came out of the house. She and my boss were together and lived together. Throughout it all, I found I learned to forgive her each time and displayed a lot of compassion I didn’t even know I had. Another huge thing i learned is not to take things personal. I learned that the way I was being treated was not because of me but because of how she felt about herself. I also learned my boss was the same exact way and working next to him everyday was one insult disguised as jokes day in and day out. This is important because when I first started working there I really did think it was me and I carried that weight for a while. This is so important because this had been a recurring theme my whole life and by learning this lesson I was able to heal emotional wounds I otherwise wouldn’t have, had I not gone through this. Also this lady characterized many different people throughout my life in which I carried around the weight of thinking I had done something wrong. She was the catalyst that set the stage for me to heal and overcome a lot of my past. Now, these past events and the way I was treated no longer burden me. A huge thing I learned, is not to change yourself in order to please. In a way she was the mother figure and he was the father figure in which I tried to please but was only manipulated by them while never being reciprocated. I had to learn to take up for myself, I had exhausted my old way of doing things.

Anyway, there is only so much a person can handle, I learned. I learned that no matter how much compassion you have for someone that it is not okay for someone to treat you like that. I learned to have respect for myself and that I had a choice whether I allowed her to talk to me like that. One day, I decided that I did not have to put up with it. When she would go on rants and lash out on me I used to let her finish and take it. Then one day while she was going through one of her rants, I thought to myself “just hang up the phone” and that is what I did. I realized then I had the choice of whether to be treated like that or not. I didn’t do it to piss her off or because I felt it warranted some revenge. I did it for me.

I realized she was always going to act like even if I had worked there for 20 years, she would never change or show me any respect. It just wasn’t in her. She couldn’t, because she felt bad for herself. Unless she got professional help she would never get any better, therefore, I would always have to deal with it. No matter how much I tried to help, it didn’t matter. This is when I realized I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’ve been trying to help people who didn’t want to help themselves and sticking around anyway just to be treated poorly. I learned that I let people walk all over me. I saw it as letting things roll of my back and being kind, but in reality it was ruining my self worth. While I worked there I had nightmares, insomnia, fatigue, flashbacks, anxiety, and every textbook symptom of PTSD. It sneaked up on me so subtly that I didn’t even know who I was anymore by the time I realized it.

Little by little, I would take up for myself, again. When my boss would make a rude remark and then when he would act so impressed with himself as if he embarrassed me, I’d say something to take up for myself. He thought he was embarrassing me every time, but in actuality I was embarrassed for him every time, and that is what I would be thinking instead of trying to say something to take up for myself. I would literally by in awe of how embarrassed I was for him for being so crude. He would literally think he was embarrassing me. But I learned not to take anything personal, and knew his actions had nothing to do with my worth. I really had an epiphany after i busted my ass working there and nothing changed.

I also learned that people have a twisted perception of kindness and compassion. It’s almost like it’s an abnormality in most people’s minds. It’s normal to treat people terribly while making yourself feel better in the process. In my opinion, those are the crazy people, the ones who need to spend some time in the ward. Once again, a microcosm realization that lead me to see this same problem in society and in the world. Everywhere i looked people were doing it. They were talking down to those around them to feel better about themselves. There is no need to compare yourself to others, just try to be a better you.

I learned that those people saw me as an easy target but what they didn’t realize it that kindness in not a weakness. They were the wolves and i was the sheep in their minds. But what they didn’t understand is it takes more courage to be true to yourself in this world then it does to succumb to their ways. It takes great strength. It’s a delusion that i see running rampant in this world. I slowly got myself out of this situation. It was hard going into work everyday but I did it, better equipped than the last. I made sure I had another job to go to first and then little by little I had an escape plan. I was tired of walking on eggshells and figured they’d fire me anyway. Funny thing is they never fired me, because patients liked me and I did the job well. I also experienced sexism and racism with these people.

I also learned that after I learned to take up for myself and applied it, that it actually just made them treat me worse. It was a futile situation unless I succumbed to being beaten down emotionally everyday. There is such thing as being too loyal. After coming to work and almost crying but not being able to because I had to see patients, I knew I had had enough. All it took was to understand what was happening and once again, it was a situation I wouldn’t even believe could exist unless I experienced it myself. And if I didn’t experience it, I would have never healed a lot of my past or learn to take up for myself. I’ve learned it only takes one person that has a problem and can target you in order to try and make your life hell. I’ve learned that’s okay because their world is small. I’ve learned that that office is the only thing they have and the only thing they look forward to. The only place to place all their energy, whether it’s positive or negative. They could have it, I knew then I was done with this part of my life and ready to move on.

I’ve learned some people make the world feel so small while others make the world feel big. I choose to be a part of the bigger picture.

Overall, I learned people will mistake kindness as a weakness. I learned the world is consisted of a ton of narcissists, and these people were not my first or last encounter. I’ve learned that compassion and empathy are my natural reaction to things, but to not let them blind me and prevent me from saving myself from future emotional abuse. I’ve learned that I had strength so much deeper than ever expected. I’ve learned I can find forgiveness and understanding in unusual circumstances. I learned I can adapt while keeping my values in tact. But most of all, I learned to take up for myself and never would have if I didn’t experience this. And I didn’t take up for myself by lashing out or hurting others or getting revenge, rather I just chose not to subject myself to the abuse. I learned when no one else has your back or takes up for you, then you must have your own back and take up for yourself. I learned to correct people when they assume something about me or try to put words into my mouth. That is a great way to start taking up for yourself, by the way!

(Copyright Kerrious2014 with all rights reserved).

This reminds me of few quotes

“Insecure people have to make excuses and put others down to feel confident. Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you are better than everyone else, it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone in the first place.”

“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”
Marcus Aurelius

One more thing….

Here is a great article on an example of what I went through. Hope it helps. http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

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