Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “freewrite”

Near Death, Closer to Life

As I walked up,

up to a familiar figure,

a manly figure and a unique face.

Comfort set in, no longer alone,

he asked to walk further,

along beside me.

I began my self-pity

my loathing inside,

He insisted I was insane,

That I’ve been on the right path.

Nothing came from my mouth,

stunned to hear these facts.

Everyone has something,

you must find yours, he said.

Perplexed was my gaze,

my mind put at ease.

As we entered our destination,

I noticed to my right,

friends gathered, grieving together.

Why aren’t I there too?

Strange, I thought.

We approached a man

wearing all black,

I felt the feeling of loss.

Too concerned with the grieving,

I began to walk away from the man,

Away from the plot.

I took a glance back and saw his distraught.

Unsettled and slightly withdrawn,

I approached the table of friends,

saw me, they did not.

I felt invisible,

and they were consoling one another.

I tried to speak, but realized

I was not there.

In spirit yes, but in body-no

A bright light engulfed my vision,

I tried harder to stare,

my focus slowly became clearer.

As my senses awoke,

All six of them with a jolting shock,

Immense curiosity inflicted anticipation,

Then I could see what was in the light,

An almost holy face appeared,

facing away from me.

It turned, as if in slow motion,

It couldn’t be real.

It began to open its mouth,

as if to speak,

but only fear and surprise it could see.

And it made him smile.


 

It began some time ago,

Vividness so surreal,

Life force I could feel,

Engulfed my soul with peace and love.

Until now those words I could only draw,

And there was nothing to trouble my spirit.

I walked beside you,

Though I knew not of you.

You answered my subconscious diversity,

But not one word was spoken,

Only a realization and understanding assumed.

I walked with you still,

To a neighboring void,

A look to my right that left me completely spaced from your existence,

And with this space created a disconnection,

To the source of this new found confirmation.

And as I turned to look,

You starred back with utter confusion.

And with that one look I knew,

Something greater had taken me from the him,

The source of light you had given me.

And perhaps it was mine, even for that lost moment in space.

All my thoughts were defined with precise parallelism,

The shadows dissipated with only a touch,

But it was mine, it was mine for just that moment.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2008)

Being strong wa…

Being strong was always one of my my best assets,

but these days, it is not contributing to my well-being.

It takes my pain and binds it into a a ball,

much like wet clay,

and molds it into my insides,

creating an emptiness where the pain should be.

The ball of clay forever lies inside me,

collecting more and more blood to weigh it down.

What I want is to squeeze it

and replace it with the power of peace and forgiveness.

I no longer want to fill it with more and more weight.

I want to release it.

I want to say good riddance.

I want to know it’s not me,

 

now I know it’s not.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009)

I’ve Learned I’ve Got to Stop Running

girl-running
I’m not sure I ever get lost as much as I run away.

I don’t think I am ever really lost or get lost. I more or less just run away. All this time I thought I was lost and couldn’t understand or how it happened or what I could do to stop it. But then I realized all I had to do was quit running. Quit running from myself, my true self. Quit not living up to my potential in order to prevent myself being revealed to me more and more. I can’t just pick and choose when I want to be myself. I can’t keep unconsciously yet purposely finding distractions in order to create madness in my life so that I can escape my excruciating purpose. I’ve got to stop running. There is nothing chasing me anymore. What I am running from can never be out ran because it exists inside me, it is me. And I’m not going anywhere no matter how fast I run or how far or how long or with who. I’m only delaying the inevitable. My true self will always prevail no matter how defiant I become, and I need to accept this. The real me got tired of chasing and tired of warning this person I’ve become. I mustn’t keep running. Sometimes I stop running and turn around, I really do. But I have the tendency to turn back and find a reason to run again. But next time I won’t be so lucky, I may just keep running and if I approach a cliff I’d automatically be willing to jump. If I make it that far there is no hope I’d ever come back. And then there’s no chance I can stop running or reconnect with my true self. I’d have left this world some person I am not all because I couldn’t handle all that I really am in this world where it seems my kind are extinct. All that I am made and meant to do, and I’ve always known this. I know I must do it. It’s clear I have no choice. I must stop running. When I am my true self I just have to reach the edge of the cliff just to see but I know I must stop and turn around and start walking back. The running is over and there is no where else to run. Do I keep running over the ledge or will I turn around? I will always run to the ledge but now it is only I who can stop me from falling. It is only me alone, who can call me back. It is only me who looks over the edge but know I must walk back. I look because I have to. But I do not wish to fall anymore. I come to the conclusion that is not who I really am. So my running is over. And there won’t be a next time. When I get back to where I started from, I will realize I can only keep moving forward and if I look back I will know I’ve stop running a long time ago.

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All images © 2012 Warner Bros. Pictures. Photos courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

What I’ve Learned From the Moon

It’s like taking notice of the full moon but then not taking notice again until the quarter moon. Realizing a week had passed and had to be reminded by the cycles of the moon. Realizing I’m not the same as I was just a week ago, barely remembering anything of significance. But that is what I find significant, the weeks that go by without tracking the days. The fact that I lost track of time and space. Allowing the process to just happen without much fuss in between. It was just the right amount of time to forget how small it all is yet we try to feel big. I find significance in lost time and the change it brings. Like the moon, I too, repeat cycles that I don’t notice until much has been done. And a week can pass without my consent, without my knowledge of the subtle changes. I go from being whole then torn in half in just a week. In just a week I can lose half of myself to the darkness. And then it takes another week for it to consume me entirely, which is where I become something else entirely while nothing else can see me, and it’s okay to disappear for while. Maybe that is why they call it the new moon. Then to only resurface a little at a time until I am whole again. And in a matter of a couple more weeks, I will be restored fully and can light up the night sky. And I know this, but each time, it feels new. Like looking at the full moon then noticing the quarter moon, that felt new. Although I knew it wasn’t, each cycle just feels new. Like I am never the same person after each cycle. Maybe that is why it feels new. Maybe the moon never comes back from each cycle the same either. No matter how many times it happens, it is never the same twice. I find these things of significance, in the moon and in myself. How they correlate and how I am forever linked to a celestial object in such a subtle way. The moon never misses a cycle or runs from one, instead it hangs in there and always prevails to become full again. That is what I’ve learned from the moon. To not rebel against my nature but to let it happen, because I know I too, will once again become full and there’s always that chance to become new, if only I can make it through all the other nights where I know I am not. And I do not take anything away from anything else to compensate the parts of me that are hiding in the dark, instead I become one with the process and emerge again in a way that only the moon can understand. Maybe because I watch the moon like most humans watch television. Entranced, absorbed, as if I am right there with it, being it, and doing what it is doing. Maybe it took notice and started watching back. Maybe I became it. Whatever it is, I know that I am it too.

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Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved

You should have seen yourself

when the darkness crept in.

When you knew it wasn’t me

who was going to be like you.

Always hanging by a thread,

I was the light that singed you.

 

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved

Big Heart, Small World

Before it occurs

she knows it will happen

at first she thinks it will not

or it’s impossible

but it’s out of her control

feels like a heavy load

a cross to bare

she just needs that one

to breakthrough

with her

beside her

someone brave

yet afraid

to know that she’s worth it

a thousand times more

than the picture

that has been painted

so much more

than the eye can see

she’s given so much more

than you could believe

depleted her blood flow

making her weak

she tries to speak

knows she shouldn’t react

because it’s too deep

when she does

she reminds herself it’s over

now she waits

for someone to give some back

to her

she found it in herself

but doubts it can be found

anywhere else

When she does

it’s taken away

as if her purpose

is to do so

as if she is forever tortured

for a lifetime

when she realized this

she wept for days

to know can be a curse

at best

she can smile

knowing something big

bigger than herself

exists

while she shares it away

for the good of us all

heartbreaking still

to know

they stole it

and

her life is like this

they come and go

but she still cares

but she can say it’s okay

because a heart like that

never grows old

never grows tired

always repairs itself

to do better

But after it happens

she starts to wonder

why she loves so much

but can’t let herself be loved

because love like hers

can’t be matched

and no one is up

for the challenge

in this small world

all the others

the other big hearts were ruined

far too soon

but not forever.

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

Shadow Dancer

And after I noticed the shadow on my face

It covered half of me

and made its presence known

never something outside of me

but more like something

soaked into my skin

like I was a sponge

who collected everything

The other half shimmered in the light

and reflected back to me

through walls

and through lovers

Did not matter which way i moved

the dark and light would go with me

Forever remaining like face paint

on a sculpture of poetry

of human flesh

Looking to the left

the shadow was out of sight

but when I looked to the right

I thought the light had blinded me

but I did not lose my vision

as I peered into the light

I swore I saw my shadow

staring right back at me

from behind the light

Each came to me

on their own terms

and specific timing

My eyes could not comprehend

if they were both real

or how I could see

them both

at the same time

So I took both of them in

and they resided in me

and intertwined

into a beautiful existence

that only my spirit understood

They coexisted

simultaneously in a way

that only my spirit

knew how to use them

Although the shadow was illusive

I knew that it was there

Although the light was intrusive

I never denied its power

It wouldn’t exist

if I had never come face to face

with my shadow

It is plastered on my face

but there is light in my eyes

I am a shadow

that dances on the wall

I am a light

that reflects the way

for us all

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

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