Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “feel”

I’ve Learned; Feel Something

I paid my dues

that’s why you opened up to me

I began to hear you

sensed you around

you spoke to me

in a familiar voice

I did nothing but listen

to what you were teaching me.

You said I paid my dues

that I was cheap

for giving away my secrets

secrets I uncovered on my path towards love

through love I learned

unconditional love

and paid my karmic dues.

You insisted I share

what I have found

so that’s what I did

and I expect nothing in return

because I know

I am owed nothing

nothing of this world

I won’t ask for anything

until I get to your world.

There my words will be understood

that’s where I belong

in another world

all that I ask for here

is that you feel something

anything….

from my words.

 

(copyright Kerrious2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned it is Not a Travesty to Love

When I began my quest to delve into myself, I never thought I’d find what I found. The question I asked is how do I learn to love? You grow up thinking you know what love is and that it must be easy because it is all around you in everything. I’ve realized the idea of love is just as powerful and addictive than any drug. It can be an addiction. Doesn’t sound like a bad thing but it can be. I once asked myself what love felt like. To my surprise I could not pin point the feeling or even come up with a concrete thought on what it even feels like. I even began to wonder if it was ever real all along or even existed. Maybe it was just a lie or illusion in which to make ourselves feel better. I sat in silence for a long time with this idea and began to understand.

I realized I’ve never loved or been loved. Not really. We attach all these ideas to what love is and should be that we forget to even consider that we have forgotten what it was a long time ago. I’m not saying I’m not a loving person but all I did in the past was love to the extent of my ability to do so. I had no foundation or understanding of what it really meant. I’ve never really loved myself so how did I love anyone else? I may have thought my self esteem was in tact and at one point I probably really did not struggle with it, but something happened and took it all away and I really had to start from scratch. I’velearned this is okay as I have always been a service to others oriented person rather than a service to self type person. But that is a another story for another time….

Sometimes life will do that, it will shatter everything you ever were and replace with everything you thought you’d never be just to see if you could find your way back. Back to who you truly were and are even if you lost it at 5 years old. I think we are born a certain way and people become more of who they are born to be. Sometimes we stray from the path and become something we are not. That’s when others think you have “changed,” but in reality if you were, say, a good person before you made a lot of mistakes, then you either grab on to the new you (the one who made the mistakes and keep doing them) or you realize who you truly are and go back to being the real you (the good person).

There is a lot of room to elaborate on the previous paragraph and you could replace your own words into those sentences so they make sense, but the point remains the same. You have a choice to either stay on the path that leads you astray and become more and more into the person that you are not or you backtrack and remember who you really are. Who you were meant to be in the first place.

I’ve learned I labeled love as a travesty. Since it always seem to play out that way in my life and my love was never reciprocated, in my mind I created a false assumption love meant nothing but tragedy. That was a subconscious thought I didn’t even know I had, but it was there. Consciously, I thought I had it all under control and was just a victim to the mere game of love. I’ve learned that now I have a good balance and have always stayed open to love though, throughout all of my life, and always gave it a chance (if one tried hard enough, that is). But in the dark recesses of my mind, the belief that love was a travesty lingered. Intimacy was a very scary idea for me but that is another story that can be told another time.

One day I woke up and realized to love is not a travesty at all and to keep putting myself out there. It’s okay to love and be loved. We all can only love to the best of our ability that each of us as individuals possess. So if you think your father or mother (or anyone) didn’t love you, you can best believe they did to the best of their ability. It just wasn’t what you wanted. Reciprocation is not the goal here.

When I had the realization I had never really known the feeling of real love, I began to realize I have never really been loved and then I felt it. After contemplating for several moments on the answer to my question, I literally felt love engulf my soul and emotions. It took my breathe away and brought tears to my eyes while my body tingled in waves. It makes you long for home and lets you know you are home. So this is love?, I thought. I could have stayed in that moment forever because it was so revealing as it answered my question with a feeling so immense. Like I knew what it was but had forgotten. I would have never been able to have this insight a few years ago or even believe I didn’t know what love was.

I’ve learned I would have never had that feeling of love if I didn’t love myself. If it didn’t stem from my internal emotional body. But it did and I am grateful for that. I was given the chance to feel just how far I have come and that anything is possible. I’ve learned it’s okay to feel. I’m not sure if what I was feeling was a new dose of love or all the pent up love I had collected throughout the years. A huge part of me believes it was all the love I have given out coming back to me. Either way, I was glad to have experienced it and realize just exactly what it feels like. I got the impression that we are here on this earth to feel. That is the essence of being alive! Everything you feel in another person comes from you, because it exists in you too.

And love doesn’t come from another person, it comes from you. You must learn to love to be loved.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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