Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “fear”

I’ve Learned; Smile

It’s not the same now

not at all

at least I can smile

at you all.

At least I have tried

to get up after the fall

can’t say I knew how

just that I did it

without you.

Everything will be fine

everything is okay

All I know is

Things have changed.

I worked hard for this

much too hard.

Nights consisting of the fetal position

and days where love ran rampant

through my body.

Meditations turned into surreal images

floating around my room.

The fear is gone

I can see you now

see just what it was

that was holding me back.

Fear is a dreadful occurrence

but all I got was a smile.

A smile I resemble

and emulate to others.

What you taught me

I shared with others.

 

(Copyright KErrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Crazy

I ain’t running


Running, Running, Running

Keep that train coming

but they can’t seem to find me, anywhere

Here I am I thought

inside here, this human flesh

I’ve been in for years but they can’t seem to find me

because they haven’t found themselves

So alone I wait and pace and pace

while you alone call me crazy

when everything’s been upside down

Now I love when they call me crazy

as I no longer need to fear

cause now I see it was you, not me

as they no longer call me crazy.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Fear of Love

“Reality of Love” written 2008 – this is a poem concerning how we put high expectations on love, but some can’t love themselves enough to let others completely into their soul and mind out of FEAR.


Was it all an act?
I have to ask
Because I didn’t think so at first
But now I’m convinced
You knew the words
To get your way
Only because you knew
I would feel bad the next day
Do you have a conscious?
Or even a clue?
What it takes to love someone?
It takes openness
A willingness to give an inch
Overall, it takes strength
You’re weak at the knees
And it shows
You’re weak deep in your core
And it hurts, doesn’t it?
Then why? Why would you let down
The only one who knows?

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

And they couldn’t believe I existed. That is what stuck out. The way that they looked at me with eyes that became wider and wider with disbelief yet relief. As moments before they were sprinting up the hill until my dog stopped barking when they slowly turned around and paced slowly towards us. As I had to focus on the reality that surrounded me, I heard “They do exist!” As if we both thought it at the same time. They with me and I with them. As it was an instinctual reaction for us all.  I perched up with excitement and they turned the other way. Slowly, they walked instead of ran out of fear. I said to look out for the lights and an understanding ensued.

And it was something they had to see for themselves. Beside a dog that used to bark. Now that dog no longer barks but understands to share the territory. After all, it was theirs too and she knows now. But just like them, I too have to see for myself. They recognized their own but forgot it existed. Even nature needs reminders that others are there. And I see it everyday. Not just from me but like them I had to see it for myself. I am like the deer.

Copyright 2014 Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve feared that I’ve failed them. All this time. That’s what the sadness will do to you. Brings unwarranted guilt when our purpose becomes dormant and when our gifts turn round. When there is nothing left but ourselves and the very life we have lived and all the evidence that it points to. To know is a curse and I fear nothing but punishment. Not punishment from God or what have you, but punishment from my fellow humans. But you mustn’t think one lives in fear. It is quite the opposite. Instead we hold this power, some sort of knowing…..that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. And even when we get sucked into an unpleasant experience we know it was them that got us there. No us, and that is encouraging. Yet no one sees it like that. Instead they escape responsibility and sell each other out. Intrusions on our free will. And for what? Something they can’t possibly begin to understand. it’s okay they don’t understand it but it’s not okay to intrude and steal it. And the road that got us to that conclusion is something that can’t be explained. Not to them anyway.

Copyright Kerroius 2014 with all rights reserved

I’ve Learned What Freedom Means to Me

The truth is painful

That is why we lie

The truth is painful when it comes out

Let’s not fear pain

Then the truth just comes

But this time it’ll come out with such an ease

And all shame is gone

You won’t even be aware of the fear anymore

Instead you overcome it

That is freedom

To me

women_freedom_by_rush2anthony

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

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