Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “fantasy”

Introduction; Breathing in Space

Start of a short story I wrote about being able to breath in space


He was considered an intelligent man yet he could not quite put his finger on what he was about to attempt. He went through years of training but could not quite grasp the meaning behind this mission. He sat quietly on the porch with his full attention focused on the stars. He was breathing shallow breathes into his lungs while trying not to let his anxiety take over. He knew he was small but could never quite accept we are all small. He studied the universe and all of its mysteries but he could not quite wrap his finger around his anxiety encompassing his soon to be mission. He prepared for a journey but he had not yet pictured it as a reality. All of his dreams were coming true in just a few hours but yet he felt unfulfilled. He felt numb and void of any earthly attachment. The moment was sinking in that soon he would never be the same. He knew that this moment is why he pursued this as his career in life. Ever since he was a young child he knew what he wanted to be. He knew it sounded cliché but that didn’t stop him from realizing its potential. Besides, he was most likely doing it for a far more different reason than any other young boy. Every night he would look up at the stars and wonder with all of his youthful imagination could conjure up. Nights that would consist of wars in space, spaceships moving at the speed of light, dying stars forming black holes and nebulas, constellations constantly being renamed by the scientist Harvey Monroe.
Meanwhile, he was not sure what it was yet, but something inside him that night was making him feel uneasy. He had trained vigorously for years. Not only with his nose in books but also physically tested to his limits. He was a man who had been tailored to fit NASA’s standards. He went with the program and was ready to apply all that he learned. He was a handsome man, yet something about him gave him an approachable look. Maybe it was his light brown eyes that always lit up whether he was just entering a room or in deep thought. Maybe it was his gentle nature and his ability to make you feel at ease. But tonight he did not feel at ease. All of his research could not prepare him for what he was about to embark on. It could be his first adventure or his last adventure. He knew this, but still he did not think twice about being the first. In his mind, he was the first in many categories. He was the first to earn a (scientific award). His summers were spent at the university in the city or at the public library. He attended (university) where he graduated with a degree in (). He attended conferences and seminars by the most pronounced figures in the field. He was open-minded and always tested his and others’ logic. He didn’t settle for answers just because someone else said it. He came to his own conclusions. That to him was a great accomplishment and a first not only in his studies but with his family and community in which he came from.
Tonight he sat on the very porch in which he was raised. He never felt ashamed of where he came from but growing up on that farm with such a wondrous view above him made the twenty acre farm seem so small. He never felt burdened by the chores he was given because it was in those times that he made the most out of his situation. He kept a telescope on the hill he had purchased at a local thrift shop owned by his only friend at the time, Leo, who kept it especially for him. It was dropped off anonymously one morning along with a radio, microphone, and some other pieces of random objects. On Harvey’s 8th birthday Leo surprised him with it. Leo would tell Harvey, “You never know until you see it!” Sometimes Leo was more excited than Harvey. With every finding or new discovery Randy would make sure and tell Leo the very next day. Leo would always listen with good intent only encouraging him to come back with more news, always leaving Harvey with his message “You never know unless you see it!” Although Harvey was not discovering anything new, it was new to Harvey and that is all that mattered at the time. He had only seen it in books until now. Leo became Harvey’s closest friend.
It became hard for him to have close friends around this age because he was always off in his own universe. His former friends were now throwing baseballs and jumping fences( ). Although he still saw them at school he was still always in his own world. His father, distant yet well adjusted(description( did not support his decision as his father felt he needed to learn the way of the farm. Although Randy had exceptional grades and test scores for his age, his father’s values did not sit well with the idea of his pursuing an education. His father had always meant well but he was set in his stubborn ways and would eventually support him. So Harvey kept things quiet and Leo became the one person he could rely on. His passion ran so deep that he was willing to live a discrete life without friends or family recognition. Harvey’s mother, attentive yet calm(description) secretly knew what he was up to but thought of it as a necessary escape for a child. Every once in a while when she knew what Harvey had come back from doing she would smile slightly with the warmest heart felt touch.
Eventually, he could not settle for living as though it was the only place he would be for the rest of his life. He thought if the creation above him exists then he wanted to know everything about it. What is it? At first it started with the imagination of a child but as he grew to learn more and more he realized that his imagination was not far from the truth. It wasn’t only the curiosity that was soothed through his time star gazing, but the feeling it gave him. Most people get the feeling of being so small in such a large spectrum, but not Harvey. He felt more alive and hopeful looking up than he would ever feel in his entire life. It was the feeling he felt and the knowing that he had to answer his questions that kept his moving forward with each unanswered question. Even so he knew what it was like to have ideas rejected because they seemed so ridiculous to the minds that create our science books. He considered that maybe that may be playing a part in his unease tonight. He was going up there to prove something to everyone who had ever said his ideas were absurd out of fear of being rejected by the scientific community. Randy was not afraid of rejection, he was afraid of the truth being rejected. He learned a long time ago after numerous failed attempts to suggest possible theories to keep them quiet. Ultimately he knew he would not be taken seriously if he did not admit fault and pretend to forfeit his ideas. He saved them all up to only add significant detail to each and prove the theory to be stronger and stronger. Not surprisingly, he was saving his most shocking idea for this mission. His one chance to finally put them all to the test was approaching and he was only filled with ecstasy, yet there was one subtle question lurking and making its way to his thoughts fast.
He spent many nights on that very same porch searching for answers but tonight he was not getting the answer he wanted. He may be doubting himself which he had every reason to. Other men have gone before him but not to his specific destination. A place only thought of as an afterthought until recently. Although his research appeared to be flawless and logical there was always that chance that everything may not be what it seems after all. He always kept this in mind and nevertheless, he needed to base his findings on the reality in which he was given. What if he got up there and everything he ever knew ceased to be true? What if different rules applied up there? What if everything he or anyone ever discovered down here on earth was abandoned as illusions in space? These questions lingered as he tried to quiet his mind. He needed all the mental capability he could muster right now. He realized it would only get him in trouble as it had done so many times in the past with his peers and professors. So he put those questions to rest as he realized his night was coming to an end. Tomorrow he would become someone different but stay the same. He longed for this moment but as the moment came is as fast as it went. Tired from letting his imagination run rampant as if he was that little boy again starring out into space as he had on that very same porch, he realized how far he had come. As he closed his eyes alongside a deep breathe, he saw earth from afar as if sitting on the moon instead of his porch, while his vision remained intact he only had to readjust his eyesight a couple times before coming to terms with the realization that he was in space, as if waking up early in the morning, and that was enough for Harvey and he was put at ease.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012.

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I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Breaking the Cycle…..

I push everyone away but I do it because I need to, because I love too much. I do what I have to, then come back to you. For I couldn’t fathom hurting you just because I am hurting too.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Human Realm

And all this time I didn’t even think or imagine they knew I existed. Maybe I could with others but for some reason, never considered it with their realm before. It hit like a realization that it was something I should have known but was okay with the feeling, like not being able to think of anything to write or the right words to say but then actually writing or saying them. It’s an immense feeling that can only explain the feeling this sentence would give if I could think of a way to describe it accurately. But the feeling ends when I realize I can’t think of what I really want to write because I keep thinking of all the shit I’ve heard along the way that is right or wrong when it sounds ridiculous because it is not what I really want to say. What I really wanted to say I probably ignored when it usually works out for the best, but that’s the feeling; Sweet Clarity. I’m hoping it will come again one day really soon.

Those on the other side where I only thought I could see through like I was watching television instead of peering through a mirror. Once I realized it was holding me back I became a part of their world while staying intact but only to bring the experience back. They are always there just like I am always here.All I have to do is ask or remember. It has been painstakingly right so far.

It’s like when you think you know something until you become a part of their world because you didn’t really know at all. We project and assume and chalk our behavior up to some experience we had with someone we didn’t like and so on.But we think there’s no use to explain because they aren’t listening anyway. We know because we do try. So we begin to wonder if they really see us? Are we really here? We don’t feel like we are truly being seen by the people around us. So when we are acknowledged in some higher fashion or by a higher being, we somehow still find ways to deny it although we should be working towards living it. Which allows me to see we aren’t any different than them, except they don’t seem to doubt our existence.

We somehow feel like we always knew it would happen so our reactions confuse even us. For our dreams are coming true and we can’t even recognize them because we have had so many years to buy into this bullshit even though now as I’m older I see right through it. But playing dumb is getting old and I will create a life where I do not have to play dumb anymore. I do not feel for anyone who creates their own storms while blaming childhoods they made up in their heads just to blame someone else or compete with another and then cry when it rains. I will no longer try to help you or give you any of my time unless of course I deem it fit.

For those who played along through continuous cycles just to reel you in with empathy while secretly envying you hence not caring about you although they may try to play the holier than thou type. It’s over, in my book. As I keep finding out, somethings never change, people just learn how to manipulate people to spend time with them because they already ran everyone off a long time ago.

And of course, some people do get better, I should know as I had the real deal. If only I knew back then it took ridding myself from a lot of love I thought I had for people to really going out there to really find it. And I didn’t even know I’d find it or was really looking for it, but really I was just surprised with what I found. The reward surpasses any small desire or need. I just kept getting better at it, better at remembering love and what it is about. I remembered everything. And I’ll never go back. I love too much, and that won’t change. What will change is the mask I’ve worn. It’s time to peel away it’s layer, and I can almost see you. I now know they and you can see me too.

(Copyright Kerrious2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Living With the Enemy

Not easily persuaded,

thought I’d give it a try.

When my world grew old

the new emerged,

not because I hadn’t looked before

but because I took notice more.

It was what I had asked for, can no longer ignore.

As my tolerance grew thin

it became a catalyst, and I won’t take anymore.

Sure, you seemed harmless

yet I knew right away

because I could hear every word

and feel everything,

although you didn’t know,

because it was always about you.

All who want a good listener or audience

yet fail to hear or see anyone else.

In the presence of others,

I could see some falling for it too.

It seemed like escaping from a spider web

but not wanting to kill the spider.

It’s like seeing the spider alluring its prey

but knowing it shouldn’t be stopped.

It’s like the spider who moves in great haste 

because you disturbed its web, its illusion.

Although it may bite, I won’t absorb its poison.  

Rejecting all that does harm to me.

Some choose to weave a web

with delicate precision;

as intricate as the lies they tell

for others to run into,

but not all are trapped

and not all can see the web they run into,

only the means to escape

as no plea for help will suffice.

Sometimes we fight our way out just in time

sometimes we get caught,

and sometimes we defeat the spider 

despite the fact it mistook us for prey.

We hold no resentment towards it,

no plans for revenge.

Instead, we choose to heal ourselves

while letting the spider go.

I know because I have tried

and always find out,

the inevitable can’t be prevented

and minds can’t be swayed,

one must already be aware of the truth

and believe in themselves enough

to see through the disguise.

Playing to the tune of my empathy

becomes the first mistake.

Then mistaking it for weakness

becomes the last misconception,

With understanding comes the realization

there is no real power through manipulation.

I thought you had the gift,

but only used it to cause harm

to all others for your hopeless gain,

but you weren’t aware

it was only harm to yourself….

Therein lies the irony,

for the selfish can’t even see it,

or the ones they are hurting.

Guess I had to live with the enemy
in order to understand it more.

To put into words…

And there I found the resolution to it all;

All those who have sought me out

for some selfish yet severely delusional

thought of taking advantage.

I’m prepared for the rumors, stories, and misunderstandings.

There’s always been someone like you,

I have let into my life, but not anymore.

Although I prevail you will stay the same,

and those thoughts you hold about me

will also stay the same because it’s too much

to come to terms with yourselves.

Go ahead and project onto me

blame me for your problems,

try to hurt me because you are hurting.

Although your delusions tell you it’s working,

doesn’t mean I believe you,

and I can’t say I didn’t try to help even after I warned you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

isiswingsspiral-300x242

I’ve Learned; Be True to Yourself

here we are
in a land so small
fighting for a world
so big
how big is not a question
to me
it’s happening
on the outside
yet I feel it
everywhere
on the inside
where does one begin?
to distinguish
the outside
from the inside?
and I can only imagine
it expands as vast
as the individual
allows it.
it begins
and ends
with knowing
yourself.
Then seeing it
everywhere else
but not in an
egotistical way
not from your
experiences alone,
but in a way
that connects you
to all of life.
because you realize
the truth
about yourself
in a way that
relates to the bigger picture
and you become
a part of it all
with nature,
responsibility intact,
because that is
who you always were
someone just waiting
waiting
for their turn
to contribute
to the world
in a way that
allowed you
to be true
true to yourself.
once found,
the waiting is over
and the time
has come
to utilize
all that you have learned
all that you have been waiting to do,
the wait was long
but
only revealed the tools you possess,
that will defeat
all that was holding you back;
the strength
the will
the intention
for seeking
that led you
to a life
in which
you can be
true
true to yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.)


(photo copyrights)

http://anabagayan.bigcartel.com/product/callisto-original-painting

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ana-Bagayan/63234728104

love her work, love to share.

As she sat out in the country on a day where clouds ran rampant. She looked up always while listening to the birds and winds. Watching the wind rattle the leaves on the trees while creating music for her ears. She began to ask herself a question. Who was she, really? As she looked up in the clouds, it appeared in the shape of a mermaid. A mermaid holding a spear with her arms stretched high. As we were all in harmony. Another reminder, of how hard it is here.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

 

And after I remembered my wall, I knew that it was time I needed to use my wall but this time, I knew I had to tear it down. What had been created on the other side?

She didn’t understand but he just smiled and said, “Don’t ever let yourself get so lonely that you allow the presence of just anyone to fill that human need. To fool yourself into thinking those people care just because you care. To think you even have a place in their world. or that they have a place in mine. Because you are other worldly and unfortunately those of that world don’t have the capacity to understand your nature.”
He looked her straight in the eyes as he sensed her anticipation.  “For they surround themselves with others to fill a void, whereas you do so because it’s your purpose. Something you must do in order to get to that other world, not escape it like they do.”

You are free.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

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