Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “experience”

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned Self Hatred Stems From Judgement

Throughout my journey I have learned that we judge ourselves harshly. We can repress those feelings towards ourselves to where they come out later through judging someone else or self hatred. If you really felt good about yourself, you would not need a reason or even feel like judging another, especially ourselves. We judge ourselves when we feel we have done something against our standard moral code. Our moral code that we only think is permanent. We think that we put so much work into developing this character we play based on our perception of our beliefs, that it can’t be changed. It would cause too much pain and is too much work, we think. We cling to it as if we are so scared to start again. What we don’t realize is life will do that and it’s inevitable. Life will prompt you to change. Will you allow it or will you fight it and continue to suffer? It’s important to realize there will be no instant gratification and you will need to keep that in mind.

Life will throw situations at you that you never thought you’d be in and leave you with the choice in how to handle these situations. When we have to make choices that go beyond our present beliefs about right vs. wrong, we seem to think we did something wrong. Hence this judgement against ourselves. When our actions do not line up to our core beliefs and you have to act outside those beliefs, we feel separated from them and feel that we have done something terrible. But did we really do something terrible? Or were we just adapting to the game of life? Of course, it depends on the situation. I’m not talking about huge ethical dilemmas like murder, but rather our personal, self image type dilemmas. Although, that sounds like another story for another time. So many variations can come about in our personal lives and I’m sure everyone has a different one.

Anyway, this dilemma inside of us causes a great deal of suffering, if not most of it. We can’t avoid suffering but we can adapt. If you are suffering, take an intense look into your belief structure of right vs. wrong. Some of your beliefs may have been developed such a long time ago that they just became so natural you aren’t even aware of them. So, when you feel you are suffering, it is time to take a look at the very core and existence of these beliefs. Where did they come from? When did I develop this belief and Why? You may not even believe the same thing anymore but since you are so used to it you aren’t aware it is causing you to suffer. As we go through life, our lives and who we are constantly change. If you can’t adapt your belief systems to what you have learned, then you will deny any new information just to stay comfortable. And it will cause you suffering.

There have been many instances throughout the last couple years where I realized I had been holding on to fantasies, for example. Fantasies in which would never be a reality. So, when the world didn’t match up to what I imagined, I suffered. I realized I had adapted to beliefs as a child that were keeping me from growing. So I went back. I went back to the root of the problem. Where the fantasy first game into action and why. I realized it was time for an upgrade. Time to balance my fantasies with reality. To see the world as it truly was and that meant I had to re-wire my whole outlook. For example, the way people treat each other astonished me. I couldn’t understand that not everyone treated each other the way I would want to be treated. When I realized the world is full of cruel people due their own problems, I had to change my perspective. So I planted seeds of truth in their place. I realized it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I had been suffering for no reason at all. I learned that my old beliefs were causing me to suffer because I hadn’t changed them as I matured. So I was growing faster then my beliefs and they weren’t matching up and therefore, I suffered. I am now able to see the world as it is. There are cruel people and I will come into contact with them. This only led me to see that we all face this dilemma to an extent. This is why we don’t trust people. We encounter day in and day out all the cruelty of the world which leads us to believe we can’t trust anyone. But then what about the people that can be trusted? We tend to forget there are good people out in the world. This dilemma makes it difficult to distinguish who we can and cannot trust. I learned that there are people who treat others poorly but there are still people who do not. I thought to myself at one point, if I exist then other people like me must exist too. Then I realized that I had the potential to treat others poorly but choose not to. I learned when and if I do treat others poorly it is because I am suffering due to conflict between my actions and beliefs.

Furthermore, we suffer because we feel we have done something outside of our moral code. This whole life we have lived has been built inside the walls of our beliefs of right vs. wrong. That is how we make decisions. We must consider how our decisions will affect us after it’s all said and done. I’ve learned this is also where anxiety comes from. Anxiety comes about when we are not aligned with our moral codes of who and what we think we should be. That is just it, we shouldn’t have to think about who and what we want to be. This is a vicious cycle of trying to perfect the human condition as individuals. It will drive you mad if you try to be perfect, by trying to be this or trying to be that. It doesn’t matter how many articles you read in a magazine about the perfect way to do something, you will not always get it right the first time. In reality, we are human and therefore, we will always be in conflict with our beliefs and ourselves if we don’t realize that there is no right or wrong in which to perceive ourselves. And it all depends on the life that you have led. Therefore, there are as many different varieties of belief systems as there are people on this planet. It’s so complex but you can only navigate through your own system and understand yourself. And there is no black and white, here. You have to learn to just be. To let go of old beliefs and create new ones that match your current life.

Maybe when you look back to when you first developed a moral reasoning, you’ll notice it was because that’s what someone else said to believe. But as we grow and mature, we realize we are not what we once believed. We get so used to wanting to be what everyone else wants us to be because they told us to. I’ve learned this causes suffering because it covers up who we truly are and what we truly want as a person. If you are constantly clinging to beliefs that no longer serve you,  you will never learn or change. I’m not talking about religious beliefs. I’m talking about what and who you have always believed yourself to be internally.

The more we learn, the more we must be aware of what we learn about ourselves. If we can’t align and balance the past with the present, then it causes us to split off and become so conflicted that we think there is something wrong with us psychologically. We blame ourselves instead of realizing that we were just handling life the best we knew how at the time. That’s why there is no right or wrong. I think there is only right or wrong once you become aware. If you have the knowledge that something is absolutely wrong and you keep doing it, then that is where the line is drawn, and it becomes “wrong.” For instance, if you are aware that judgement causes suffering and you do nothing to change it, then it is wrong for you to continue questioning why you are suffering. It is right to take in new information and apply it to your world now in order to make things right inside you. It is not necessary to suffer the same way your whole life.

Some people cling to their old beliefs so tightly that it defines them forever. They build onto the old instead of creating the new. Their whole lives are based on tragedy because they cannot look inside themselves long enough to realize that it can change. It’s always going to be there, the old beliefs, but they do not have to define you or cling to your existence. You can acknowledge their presence but know that you gained the knowledge through experience to know you do not have to suffer anymore. You can forgive yourself and realize judging yourself only causes harm. Eventually, the old will fall away and become a distant memory but will not affect you.

This is where most self-hatred stems from. We learn to hate ourselves because we are programmed to believe we have to be a certain way in order to be accepted. We think we have to be who everyone else says we have to be and when we cannot, we fall into the pit of self-hatred. This makes me question if we all are just walking around hating ourselves so therefore we hate everyone else. The reflection of our inner world to our outer worlds lingering in our vision and we know it, but repress it, therefore keep doing it. Not realizing it doesn’t have to be that way. But I’ve realized sometimes, people, even people you love, will fall into the abyss of self-hatred and never return no matter how much you love them or let them know what you really see in them. You see the flaws and ethical dilemmas they face, but you love them anyway. You know they can never reciprocate, but you love them anyway. It exists in all of us and you understand that, but it is up to the individual to decide if they will feed into it or not. No matter what you do, you cannot change a person, they must change it within themselves. I’ve spent years on people that I loved, thinking I could help them see all the good that I saw in them to no avail. Those wars are futile. If you spend too much time and energy on another person, you will lose yourself. You can and will become exactly what you were fighting against if you don’t learn you cannot change people. It can become a selfish act and if you really loved them, you’d let them go. Everyone has their own path with or without you.

When we go through experiences like this with other people, we tend to become something we are not. We can fall into the pit with them. But if we are lucky enough not to fall with them and instead let go, we find that we take a piece of them with us. This causes conflict in our belief systems in which we judge ourselves harshly due to our relationship with them, and the merging of belief systems that occurs. It is so subtle that we don’t even know what happened until after the seed they had planted sprouted roots and we supplied the sun in which they grew. It’s really important not to lose yourself because you think you love someone. This was a belief system I had to update and change in myself. My belief of what love was, was completely off the mark, that I had a lot of re-arranging to do with my belief system. I realized I not only had to change my idea of what love was, but also change the way I was absorbing the people’s I loved beliefs as well. I took pieces of everyone I loved with me and had to learn that they were not my pieces, but theirs.

Overall, I’ve learned when our actions, due to life circumstances, cause us to go outside our normal boundaries of morals, we tend to judge ourselves harshly, needlessly. It will manifest in our outer worlds in ways such as judging others and self harm/hatred. If we can overcome judging ourselves, and learn that our belief systems can change with some work, then we can ease our suffering. After all, we are all human, living an experience in which we have no control over, and who knows what we will be faced with next. We must be flexible enough to change with these experiences. This sometimes may constitute we change our beliefs to match who we are today while applying our new knowledge of who we are today. Don’t fall into the trap of self-hatred. There is a solution. You will have to search deep inside yourself for the place in which this judgement stems from, and it is not easy. In the end it is you and only you, that has to live with the choices you make. If you can see where you were coming from in the first place and then forgive yourself, then judgement can and will cease to exist.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned Not to Play the Victim

Throughout my journey, I’ve learned not to play the victim. So funny how things look when you no longer play the victim. You see things how they really are, not as you, the victim of the world, including people’s behavior, but you as your real role to play in life – the human being in it. A human being going through the same experience as everyone else just dealing with it in a different way. I learned you have a choice in how you experience this life.

Without the victim belief system, you open areas in your beliefs to flourish. Such as compassion, understanding, integrity, empathy, and love. All of these qualities in our human nature provide us with tools to reach the end result we all want to achieve, which is unconditional love. It’s that void in our being that’s holds all of the weight you carry around. Don’t feed into the void of being the victim in order to cope with life. Instead put all your energy on creating the reservoir of responsibility.  Only you are responsible for how you respond to life once you are aware of it. After you are no longer the victim, you may feel you cease to exist without that role you have been playing. But I promise you won’t, you’ll learn to live more by playing the role of the human being you were meant to be.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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