When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “empathy”

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….

Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned You Can’t Change the Past

Throughout our lives we tend to repeat cycles. These cycles consist of patterns we have formed early in life and continue to do so as we live. Unless we become aware of what it is that we are doing and why, these cycles will continue. You must look deep within to find the root of the problem and where it stems from and then seek solutions that are much more fitting to the person who you’ve grown into. If we don’t allow ourselves to grow with life, our growth becomes stunted and therefore we keep repeating cycles and may never know why.

Sometimes, we even go as far as trying to change the past in present situations. For example, if as a child you felt like you did not recieve the love from a parent that you should have, you will continue to choose people to love who do not love you back in order to try to change the past by making them love you. You think if only this person who isn’t capable of loving me the way I want to be loved, would just love me, then you will feel validated and all the wrongs of the past can be corrected. I’ve learned this does not work at all. It will only end in heartbreak, just as it did as a child.

I’ve learned you cannot change people. You cannot change the past by trying to use the present to do so. It can become a viscous, endless, cycle and you will miss out on the right opportunities for love and acceptance by trying to find it through people who just aren’t able to give it to you. It may start out as an unconscious act but after numerous failed attempts, you start to notice something isn’t right. How many times can you go through the same motions with the same type of people before you start to question if it is maybe something you are doing wrong instead of the other people. Of course they hurt you but it was your decision that allowed it to happen.

I’ve learned you must go to the root of the problem. I began to ask myself where did it all begin? Why do I try to change people? Why do I pick people who I mean nothing to? Why do they mean so much to me? How can I do something different? I began to delve deep into why I was doing what I was doing. I picked people who were always emotionally unavailable and distant. They would gain my love and then use it against me. I was always the other woman. The girl who could be taken advantage of and placed on the back burner. I began to want more. I realized how detrimental it was to my mental health. After, a relationship in which I was abused constantly, I woke up. After that, it seemed little by little I was getting better. Each new relationship was just a little less severe than the last. I still wasn’t getting it right. I still haven’t today. The difference between then and now is that I am aware and have made the necessary changes and have witnessed tremendous growth in my reaction to my decisions. I no longer fear rejection and no longer care about people who do not care about me. I simply do not put up with it.

I’ve learned that there was a solution and I was going to work hard to achieve it any way possible. I’ve learned I was repeating a cycle that was carried with me from childhood. I knew I had to change. I was no longer the victim but instead I took responsibility for my choices and began to see I deserved to be treated right. It was almost like a game I would play but I didn’t realize I was losing every time. I always felt I did some good or touched those people in a way that they had never had before. But even if I did make some kind of impact on their lives, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter, because they still would never care or become what they were not. I began to see that I had never surrounded myself with good people because I was trying to change the past.

I’ve learned that really nothing we do is really at the heart of other people’s actions. Other people’s actions have nothing to do with our choices but more so our emotions and the weight of them we have carried with us and our reactions to them at the time. I’ve learned we are judged by our emotions also. Because a lot of our choices are driven by our emotions at the time because we bring emotional baggage into the present so we are also misrepresenting ourselves by not sorting through the past and getting it confused with the present.

Anyway, when I realized what I was doing it set the stage for change. I knew what I wanted and that wasn’t it. It was masochistic behavior and after I began to love and care for myself I saw that I didn’t want to do that anymore. In life, I had healed a lot of the destructive relationships that started this cycle in the first place. When I began to see that the people I thought hurt me as a child were human and I was capable of making the same mistakes, I realized it was nothing personal. The hurt they caused had nothing to do with me but everything to do with themselves, and what they were going through at the time. The most important thing I’ve learned is not to take things personal or distort them internally as something that was my fault. You cannot blame yourself for other people’s actions. They almost never have to do with you. It’s so easy to fall into that trap especially if you love them and are empathetic towards them.

Now, I no longer try to change the past. If I recognize I’m going through a similar situation I back out before it becomes something worse. I do not keep going if I get that impending doom feeling like I am repeating the cycle. I do get a feeling each time and become a little disappointed but I have learned to be patient with myself. At least I am recognizing it and finding a solution as soon as possible instead of continuing to repeat the cycle. This is relevant with all relationships with anyone close to me. You may be surprised to find that those closest to you, such as family members, will catch on to the fact that you aren’t putting up with the same nonsense and notice you react different to them and if they really love you they will support you and those are the exceptions, because they will change for you enough because it’s almost like you send out a ripple effect and if they really want you in their lives then they too, will start to react different and that is the only thing you can change, which happens in the present. And that is if you are lucky enough to be really loved by those closest to you. Not everyone will be capable of this so it can be futile. But After I realized not to take things personal, I then learned that I had a choice in how I reacted to it. Most of the time, I would have enough respect for myself to not put myself in that situation with that person ever again. And sometimes I would ignore it and hop on board as if it’s one last attempt to change the past as if I’m participating in a research project. In the end the conclusion is always the same and leads to feelings of regret and foolishness. Now I recognize the pattern and no longer indulge when I know that I shouldn’t. Although, you have to get to know people, but it’s important after you find out that they are in the category of what you have been repeating then it is time to end it. You must do something different the next time. It is okay to falter. It is okay to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same empathy you give those people and tell yourself no matter what happens, it will be okay. Use the trust you have built for yourself by not continuing the cycle and use that for future decisions. This isn’t a process that happens all at once, rather it happens a little bit at a time. With each new or existing relationship you have like this, you will start to notice more and more progress with each one. Soon enough those relationships won’t even exist in your life anymore because you will not be making the same decisions and you will be a different person so then you will attract the right people for you into your life. You will no longer feel the need to validate yourself by trying to correct the past through present situations. You will see how silly it all is and unless you fear change you will prevail. It is important to realize you are worth it and not to fear leaving your comfort zone.

Overall, I’ve learned that sometimes we try to correct the past by using our present relationships and circumstances. If we are not aware of the pattern and do not pin point it’s origin then we will continue to try to correct the past through present situations. I’ve learned that if we realize not to take things personal because most likely the person is expressing their own issues and it has nothing to do with you then we can change the way we react to these types of situations. I’ve learned that this is a long process and progress is made little by little. I’ve learned if your will is strong enough then the solutions will be there. I’ve learned that if you fail slightly not to give up because it will happen. At least you are trying to do better next time. I’ve learned that if we do not heal what happened in the past and make peace with it then it will continue in the present. It’s important to express any disappointments you feel these people in the past have cause you and then forgive them. It was nothing you did. The only thing you can control now is how you react to similar situations in the present. By going to the source and where the problem originated we are able to feel and heal and move on in the present. Sometimes we must go back in order to heal. But once that is complete we are free to enjoy the present because we see that our self destructive patterns stem from something that isn’t even real anymore. It was only what we perceived to be real at the time and carried with us into adulthood without even realizing it. what i mean is it wasn’t real because it was all lies and not real love. Things will happen and people will come along to wake us up to our cycle because after a while we will start to question why this keeps happening? We realize we do have a choice. And if you want it bad enough you can stop the cycle. It all comes from knowing yourself first and then acting on what you find. I’ve learned I no longer search for validation to right the wrongs of the past as I have come to peace with it. I’ve learned situations will arise to test me to see where my progress is. I know I am getting somewhere when I do not react the same way and see things how they really are instead of how I used to see them. I’ve learned those people do not change but I can. We are capable of so much, and the results are not always immediate, but when you realize you are getting somewhere, you will want to keep going. You will eventually do something different the next time. In conclusion, I’ve learned I cannot change the past by repeating cycles.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).


I’ve Learned to Take Up for Myself

Throughout my journey, there are certain questions I had and then would have to find the answers to. But then there are instances where the answers and lessons come before the question is even thought of. You may not be aware of the problem in the first place, let alone take the necessary steps to fix it. These are the instances in which the right people and situations will come to you when you are ready to learn the lesson. It may take a while for you to wake up to the problem and therefore, the problem will persist until you can see what is causing so much havoc in the first place. It may start with a lingering feeling that you are missing something and everyone knows but you. It may have caused a lot of pain. It may take courage and you would be surprised of what you are capable of with just a little understanding once you realize the problem.

For me, It was learning to take up for myself. The situation in which i learned to do so was through a job in which I worked for people I wouldn’t even believe existed unless I encountered it for myself. (Although, I am no stranger to taking up for myself in close personal relationships, I had to learn how to all over again in a different setting).This job taught me so much about life on a microcosm level. It pointed out a lot of what is wrong with the world. That tiny office, was the epitome of what is wrong with the world but couldn’t believe I’d be a part of. And once I learned the truth, I wasn’t a part of it any longer. Along the way, though, I endured much, and came out a better person. My perseverance surprised me wholeheartedly while I navigated through this period of my life.

For instance, I never realized I had so much trouble taking up for myself. See, I am really good at understanding why people act the way they do and most the time it just doesn’t bother me. I see if someone is going through a hard time or have problems of their own, then I would justify their actions with my empathy. I’d think they must be having a bad day and it’ll pass. If they treat me bad along the way, it says more about them than it does about me. Eventually you have to take up for yourself, or it will only continue and after a while it would hurt my feelings. Due to the fact that I knew I’d never treat them like that and after a year of showing dedication to that job and loyalty to those people, you’d think they would have started to treat me with respect, but that is not the case.

This goes back to my previous post where I mentioned people will use that inner critic against you, they will also use your strengths against you also. At one point, after displaying characteristics such as honestly, loyalty, kindness, gratitude, and not to mention the hard work I was putting into that place, my office manager would start to discredit even my personality and all the good things about me. She’d find out I was honest, and then accuse me of lying. She’d find out I was loyal, and then accuse me of not caring about the patients or the office. She’d find out I was kind, and would start rumors about me in order for other co workers to become hostile towards me. She’d notice I developed a technique that works and then hide the materials I’d need to do it again. She’d find out I was hard working, and then piled more work on me while refusing to give me a raise. She’d find out I could handle even all the extra work she’d demand but then watch my every move in order to find just that one thing to complain about and then find me incompetent while degrading me behind closed doors to my boss.

Throughout it all, I knew the lady had problems and at first I thought she was helping, but she was just trying to lure me in so then she would have more control over me. At first, I would just listen to everything she was telling me about my job, in which she never even went to school for, and how things are supposed to be done there. I would take mental notes and go back and do better next time. Each time, I would apply what I was told, only to then have her find more and more and more. It was a vicious endless cycle. I learned that she had psychological issues in which she thought she was hideous looking and never came out of the house. She and my boss were together and lived together. Throughout it all, I found I learned to forgive her each time and displayed a lot of compassion I didn’t even know I had. Another huge thing i learned is not to take things personal. I learned that the way I was being treated was not because of me but because of how she felt about herself. I also learned my boss was the same exact way and working next to him everyday was one insult disguised as jokes day in and day out. This is important because when I first started working there I really did think it was me and I carried that weight for a while. This is so important because this had been a recurring theme my whole life and by learning this lesson I was able to heal emotional wounds I otherwise wouldn’t have, had I not gone through this. Also this lady characterized many different people throughout my life in which I carried around the weight of thinking I had done something wrong. She was the catalyst that set the stage for me to heal and overcome a lot of my past. Now, these past events and the way I was treated no longer burden me. A huge thing I learned, is not to change yourself in order to please. In a way she was the mother figure and he was the father figure in which I tried to please but was only manipulated by them while never being reciprocated. I had to learn to take up for myself, I had exhausted my old way of doing things.

Anyway, there is only so much a person can handle, I learned. I learned that no matter how much compassion you have for someone that it is not okay for someone to treat you like that. I learned to have respect for myself and that I had a choice whether I allowed her to talk to me like that. One day, I decided that I did not have to put up with it. When she would go on rants and lash out on me I used to let her finish and take it. Then one day while she was going through one of her rants, I thought to myself “just hang up the phone” and that is what I did. I realized then I had the choice of whether to be treated like that or not. I didn’t do it to piss her off or because I felt it warranted some revenge. I did it for me.

I realized she was always going to act like even if I had worked there for 20 years, she would never change or show me any respect. It just wasn’t in her. She couldn’t, because she felt bad for herself. Unless she got professional help she would never get any better, therefore, I would always have to deal with it. No matter how much I tried to help, it didn’t matter. This is when I realized I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’ve been trying to help people who didn’t want to help themselves and sticking around anyway just to be treated poorly. I learned that I let people walk all over me. I saw it as letting things roll of my back and being kind, but in reality it was ruining my self worth. While I worked there I had nightmares, insomnia, fatigue, flashbacks, anxiety, and every textbook symptom of PTSD. It sneaked up on me so subtly that I didn’t even know who I was anymore by the time I realized it.

Little by little, I would take up for myself, again. When my boss would make a rude remark and then when he would act so impressed with himself as if he embarrassed me, I’d say something to take up for myself. He thought he was embarrassing me every time, but in actuality I was embarrassed for him every time, and that is what I would be thinking instead of trying to say something to take up for myself. I would literally by in awe of how embarrassed I was for him for being so crude. He would literally think he was embarrassing me. But I learned not to take anything personal, and knew his actions had nothing to do with my worth. I really had an epiphany after i busted my ass working there and nothing changed.

I also learned that people have a twisted perception of kindness and compassion. It’s almost like it’s an abnormality in most people’s minds. It’s normal to treat people terribly while making yourself feel better in the process. In my opinion, those are the crazy people, the ones who need to spend some time in the ward. Once again, a microcosm realization that lead me to see this same problem in society and in the world. Everywhere i looked people were doing it. They were talking down to those around them to feel better about themselves. There is no need to compare yourself to others, just try to be a better you.

I learned that those people saw me as an easy target but what they didn’t realize it that kindness in not a weakness. They were the wolves and i was the sheep in their minds. But what they didn’t understand is it takes more courage to be true to yourself in this world then it does to succumb to their ways. It takes great strength. It’s a delusion that i see running rampant in this world. I slowly got myself out of this situation. It was hard going into work everyday but I did it, better equipped than the last. I made sure I had another job to go to first and then little by little I had an escape plan. I was tired of walking on eggshells and figured they’d fire me anyway. Funny thing is they never fired me, because patients liked me and I did the job well. I also experienced sexism and racism with these people.

I also learned that after I learned to take up for myself and applied it, that it actually just made them treat me worse. It was a futile situation unless I succumbed to being beaten down emotionally everyday. There is such thing as being too loyal. After coming to work and almost crying but not being able to because I had to see patients, I knew I had had enough. All it took was to understand what was happening and once again, it was a situation I wouldn’t even believe could exist unless I experienced it myself. And if I didn’t experience it, I would have never healed a lot of my past or learn to take up for myself. I’ve learned it only takes one person that has a problem and can target you in order to try and make your life hell. I’ve learned that’s okay because their world is small. I’ve learned that that office is the only thing they have and the only thing they look forward to. The only place to place all their energy, whether it’s positive or negative. They could have it, I knew then I was done with this part of my life and ready to move on.

I’ve learned some people make the world feel so small while others make the world feel big. I choose to be a part of the bigger picture.

Overall, I learned people will mistake kindness as a weakness. I learned the world is consisted of a ton of narcissists, and these people were not my first or last encounter. I’ve learned that compassion and empathy are my natural reaction to things, but to not let them blind me and prevent me from saving myself from future emotional abuse. I’ve learned that I had strength so much deeper than ever expected. I’ve learned I can find forgiveness and understanding in unusual circumstances. I learned I can adapt while keeping my values in tact. But most of all, I learned to take up for myself and never would have if I didn’t experience this. And I didn’t take up for myself by lashing out or hurting others or getting revenge, rather I just chose not to subject myself to the abuse. I learned when no one else has your back or takes up for you, then you must have your own back and take up for yourself. I learned to correct people when they assume something about me or try to put words into my mouth. That is a great way to start taking up for yourself, by the way!

(Copyright Kerrious2014 with all rights reserved).

This reminds me of few quotes

“Insecure people have to make excuses and put others down to feel confident. Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you are better than everyone else, it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone in the first place.”

“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”
Marcus Aurelius

One more thing….

Here is a great article on an example of what I went through. Hope it helps.

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