Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “emotions”

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

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I’ve Learned it’s Okay to Get Excited

As we live our lives and grow older and begin to learn more about life and ourselves as individuals, we tend to come across subtle qualities about ourselves we weren’t aware of before. One thing I have noticed is that as we grow older it becomes more difficult to get excited about anything. This came about through years of being told to “smile” and to “cheer up” or better yet, “show some excitement.” On the inside I was excited but I just didn’t get why those around me didn’t see it. As children it is easy to jump up and down with excitement but not so much as adults. The reason I feel this way is because as a child I would get excited about something and then right away it would be taken away from me. Some adults around me would use what I was excited about as punishment. For example, if I got excited about going to a friends house for a party or to go swimming that day, that was exactly what would get taken away from me if those adults found it necessary to punish me for something.If I had a toy I really liked, that would be taken away from me and so on.

So I would begin to hide my excitement in order for those things not to be taken from me. This, I believe, led to a lot of inaction on my part with a lot of instances throughout my life where I could have applied myself more but didn’t because this was holding me back. I began to realize I hadn’t been excited about much in a long time. I knew there was a lot to look forward to and be excited about but when it came to expressing that it was almost non-existent. All my accomplishments in life were not met with the excitement and gratitude they deserved because of this. I realized there was shame associated with being excited. That those punishments piled up to the point that I had to adjust and hide such excitement in order to keep what it was I was excited about. Because if I let it show then it was in danger of being taken away. I still remember the feeling I would get. Almost like a feeling of betrayal which led to being hurt and then led to hiding it in the future. So immediately following my feelings of excitement would be a feeling of loss. Going from super excited to extremely disappointed and hurt.Even if the punishment did justify what I did wrong there were still times that it wasn’t warranted and that is why it manifested into what it did as I grew up. Because not every time I was punished did I deserve it. The punishment did not add up therefore, I did not understand. So it amounted to more and more confusion which caused me not to see what was really going on. I associated my punishment to being excited when really it had nothing to do with it. Yes, my excitement was being used against me which led me to hide it more, but now as an adult, there is no one to use it against me. There is no reason to punish myself. Self-sabotage is a form of punishment that stems from what I am talking about. Where I would take over the role of the adult and take something taken away from me just because I was so used it, I would delay the inevitable and get something taken away from me because that is how I had been programmed to think. When really, it doesn’t have to be that way, and I see that now.

This revelation came about in many ways, but it became real when I first began practicing yoga in group settings with an instructor. We were in the middle of the balance training and I completed the whole routine without falling. It was like I went somewhere else completely and allowed myself to trust myself while shutting down all thoughts and maintaining focus. After it was over I automatically started smiling and immense excitement took over. But as soon as the instructor noticed and complimented me, I felt ashamed I was so happy and excited. I took note of that incident and finished the class. But I had much more work to do afterwards. My inability to feel excitement was accompanied with shame and succeeding. And even worse, I was embarrassed that I felt it, and that was reflected back to me through my instructor. My instructor was supporting my growth instead of trying to take it away. It was the support afterwards that made the difference and set the stage for change in myself. Something different happened and I took notice. Something so simple opened up a complex pattern I had formed. So, I guess when I realized that, it had a different effect on me, which allowed me to see it differently from how I had before. Having this happen in front of another person is a key element in the equation because they are observing it right there with you, making it more real. It’s one thing to experience things like this alone but it’s completely different and more productive in the company of others, because I thought I didn’t get embarrassed, but what was going on inside me embarrassed me. Others can serve as reflectors and there is a difference between that and projection, so it’s important to know the difference. Anyway, yoga was leaving me with no choice but to express and it came about automatically. This can be attributed to the fact I shut down my thoughts and allowed it to come through me to be expressed, easily. There were no filters or hiding anymore which eventually left nothing but the truth at that moment in time. It was a moment I’ll never forget and really weird at the time, but it never happened again. Eventually, I’d do my yoga and the excitement and appreciation for my findings, remained with me each time. If I succeeded, I’d smile with the instructor and thank her instead. I’m no longer ashamed of my capabilities. It was okay I was getting good at my yoga. No one can take that away from me and I see that now. I’ve learned it’s important to take responsibility for your successes as well! Never downplay your potential or how far you’ve come. I’ve learned it was me who worked hard to earn those successes.

Then I remembered something. I think I was remembering the first time it ever happened. It reminded me of the time my mom heard me sing a song about a homeless man I saw sitting across the street and my mom gave me a compliment as she was walking by me. I couldn’t have been older than 5. I remember not caring if anyone was listening but also hoping no one was. Because if no one was listening I could sing about this man with all I had and not be embarrassed of the emotions I was feeling. I was intrigued with empathy for this man which was the gist of the song. My mom told me it was a beautiful song and instantly I was embarrassed and ashamed just for expressing myself. Maybe even more embarrassed I was caught having empathy and curiosity and that man. I don’t think I ever sang like that again. But I turned to writing eventually, so maybe it all worked out. Anyway, it’s like the more compliments and evidence appearing that I was good at something, the more I’d not want to do it anymore. I was learning to hide. It started that young if not earlier. I’ve also learned to accept compliments, but that is another story that shall be told another time.

For another example, it also reminded me of a time when I was six and we were playing around the world with multiplication flash cards. I was really good at it and won every time. Eventually, the teacher agreed to skip the kids who usually won to let the kids who never one play a game with just themselves. So in a way I felt like I was being punished for being smart. I didn’t mind letting the other kids play, but I remember the feeling of being left out of something I was extremely excited about. The teacher decided this after she announced we were playing so I got up all excited to only have sit back down with disappointment in a quick minute. I was always so excited when the teacher would say we were playing that game and then it was taking away while implanting a seed that implied being smart means you will be left out or that it wasn’t a good thing. Plus the game was taken away from me at the same time. Once again, my excitement proved to cause something to get taken away. I knew then and know now I wasn’t being punished but it still made its impact on me. It’s funny how these things manifest later in life. I was always two grades ahead in math throughout school, but eventually I not only learned to hide my excitement, but I also learned to hide how smart I really was. Even though I was always two grades ahead in math, I sometimes wonder why I wasn’t smart enough to know it was better to be smart than to fit in so I wouldn’t be left out. I felt punished for winning every time when I should have been supported. I see now that this is the past and just because I felt that way doesn’t mean they had bad intentions, I know that, I’m just pointing out how these little things do add up and do make impressions on us as we grow up, especially as a six year old. And how we can be oblivious to how they manifest inside us and affect us throughout our lives. But as we get older we get a clearer perspective and realize it doesn’t have to a part of us anymore. We don’t have to let it define us. Sometimes we take the past and make it out to be much worse than it actually was and other times we take a look at the past and realize it was more important than we thought at the time. We either blow it out of proportion or we don’t give it enough significance to begin with. I’ve learned to take notice of just the importance of past incidents and see them for what they were instead of blowing them out of proportion.

Then I realized that this little habit had been holding me back from expressing much throughout my life. It stopped me from expressing appreciation for those in my life also. With no excitement came a mound of other emotions that weren’t being expressed due to me being shut down as a child. My ability to express excitement eventually ceased which led to the emotions that normally occur afterwards to cease also. I began to wonder if this led to people thinking I didn’t appreciate things they were doing for me because I couldn’t express it. Like I had a built in mechanism that prevented me from doing so out of fear that it would be taken away or that it was too good to be true. I didn’t realize how it was effecting those close to me. All because of these incidents long ago.

Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to be excited! Which led me to learn to express gratitude. Which led me appreciate those in my life more and be able to show them also. I saw the foolishness in it and since have recovered my inner child and accomplished feeling excitement again. This was accelerated through my yoga practice while it allowed this problem to magnify and come to the surface to be expressed in order for me to understand it better. Although I was caught off guard at first, it was exactly what needed to happen in order for me to discover and heal this aspect of myself. That day in yoga allowed me to feel excitement/happiness and then express it and then I was able to observe my negative reaction to it especially in the presence of another person. That was key. I came to the conclusion that only I can take away the things that I’m excited about, and that there is no one else that can. This also is great insight into self-sabotage behavior which overflows into relationships because even people would get taken away from me, but that is a story that should be told another time.

As I ventured down this road further, I’ve learned if I build up a lot of excitement and things don’t go as planned that that is okay also. It’s important to understand that when things don’t go as you pictured to not let it disappoint you. It’s okay to be excited and have expectations but it’s important to not build up what the outcome will be and then be disappointed when it doesn’t happen exactly as you thought. So even though I am now able to express excitement when I am excited about something but I also do not create expectations. With expectations comes disappointment. It’s important to let go of control with the outcome. I’ve learned that through discovering my inability to express excitement due to my fear of it being taken away (whether it be a thing, event, a pet, or person), that it led to many other inabilities that stemmed from this. It almost led to a life of apathy from just this isolated incident. But if you are aware of what caused it then you can go back to the root of the problem and understand why you are the way you are and it is possible to recover what was once lost. Because it is still a part of you, you just have to find it again. But most of all, I’ve learned if you hide your excitement you are missing out on the one thing that allows your passions to come to the surface. And without knowledge of what drives you, you will never know what you want or what will make you happy.

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(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

I’ve Learned Feeling is Healing

Throughout my journey I have had trouble realizing all it means to be human. As if I wasn’t human at all but someone on the outside of the spectrum. Someone who didn’t understand human behavior. Someone who at least questions it instead of just accepting what it meant to be human. I would separate myself from all it meant to be human just in order to accommodate my confusion. Feelings were as foreign to me as the realization that I wasn’t feeling at all. I had built a wall, higher than any structure I could imagine on earth. I began to see it all around me. Repressed emotions in order to survive. Everyone afraid to express things in a healthy manner in order to not face what it is they were actually feeling. The bigger picture I was missing was this – I did not know how to express myself.

It took me some time to catch on to the fact that we need to feel in order to heal. If you have experienced any trauma/negative life experiences in life, especially at an early age, we tend to build walls. I specifically remember building mine. I built mine on the basis that it would protect me from being transparent or with a bit of imagination involved, it protected me from others who could see through me. From visitors in which I would rather protect myself against. I built it on one of those nights where thoughts ran rampant.  I was lying in bed one night as a child and started to picture my wall. I built it with bricks. I visualized brick after brick after brick until I had my fortress. Then I could instantly retrieve that wall at anytime, visually. I came to the point to where I allowed myself to manifest this wall fast. I will never forget that.

This memory did not resurface until a few years ago. I began to question why I remember that so vividly, because I had not pictured my brick wall in a long time. I had, in reality, built this wall in which I was only understanding through songs and life now. That wall was still there though, clinging to my existence without my knowledge. I was remembering because it was time to use that wall again. Except this time, I knew it was time to tear it down also.

This topic of building walls is something we all tend to do. I just happened to remember doing it and knowing I didn’t want it anymore. I came to conclusion that it is okay to have walls, but perhaps let them become transparent walls, at least. Walls made of glass instead of brick. It was no longer useful or a method in which I could hold onto any longer. I was facing a dilemma at that time in which my memory helped me with the answer. It may just be a metaphor in songs, but it is a real thing that happens to us all. How many bricks will you add?

Then I began to wonder why I had gone through the trouble that night, as a child, to even build such a thing? It came naturally, almost like i knew it was an option. I had options as to how high I wanted it. I could even chose the materials in which I would built it. I chose every last detail, including how fast I could use it. Every so often, this visual would come to mind, especially when I felt like what I was thinking could be used against me. And that’s just it, it was a defense mechanism. If they didn’t know what I was feeling, then they could never use it against me, hence the wall.

Now, what made this resurface last in life is that I was in a situation in which I felt even my thoughts were being used against me. Day in and day out, it felt like 1984 by George Orwell, in the midst of these people I was around. Then, I remembered the wall. I would visualize this wall when I felt my space was being invaded. To my surprise, it worked. They had no ammo to use against me.  I realized I had developed this technique for situations like these. Situations in which I could not handle the intrusion others were placing on me. Intrusions on my freedom of expression. I began to really focus on my thoughts. What were they using against me? What was I realizing about them? Why did this situation have any significance? Could I trust my feelings? I realized I wasn’t in control of my own mind or feelings because I never acknowledged them or anyone else’s there. I would ignore them to survive. Then I questioned if they were even my feelings at all? As I was picking up on other’s feelings as well, there. I’ve learned to distinguish my mind from others.  I’ve learned if you are not in control of your mind, then it is easy for another person to be. I’ve learned it’s okay to have a wall and in situations like this becomes handy as defense mechanism. I’ve learned it is better to naturally have transparent walls in most cases, though. It’s okay to have a wall as weapon only when needed especially if people around you are vicious enough to use anything against you. So, a wall is more like a pocket knife and used seldom. Because soon you can be equipped with the knowledge that it is okay to express yourself and doing anything different is harmful.

I’ve learned the defense mechanism, such as building walls was also what leads to repressed emotions and feelings. Feelings that need to be expressed but if it became uncomfortable, then surely I could use the brick wall. I had no idea just how much harm this was causing. My intentions when I was younger to build the wall was okay at that time, because I really did need something like that in order to cope and excel through life, but it is no longer relevant or needed.

I’ve learned that all the energy I spent not facing my feelings does not just disappear. They will linger and wait for you to feel and express them appropriately, or not. They do not dissipate or pretend it never happened. They will re-surface and cause confusion if not addressed properly. First, with understanding and second, readily applying that knowledge, we can overcome many many years of repressed emotions. You will first need to conquer having empathy for yourself, and that is a story that shall be told another time. But it is important because you will need that. You will need to be able to have the same empathy you acknowledge for others as you will need this for yourself in any situation where you have to face uncomfortable territory. You will also need to put your thoughts to rest through this process also, as they may contort your reality of the emotional situation. And live in the present with this new knowledge, instead of dwelling on the past. These past emotions will arise but it’s who you are now that matters.

When it comes to expressing these feelings, it’s rather important we do so with this knowledge and understanding and empathy intact first. But if that doesn’t happen, which is what happened to me, then sometimes these feelings will come out unhealthy and sometimes healthy, as well. When I say healthy, I do not mean to define it in any sense. But when I say healthy, I mean what is in your best interest and everyone else’s. I’ve learned that if you are not aware of any repressed feelings from the past then before you know it, it can destroy you, but nonetheless, they have to be felt. That is where a lot of confusion takes place, because you can’t possibly understand what is happening and therefore, never know what it is you are feeling or healing in the first place. You will use distractions and anything to numb the presence of these feelings lurking around you as if you know somethings there, but you would rather keep up the charade instead.

It takes courage and patience to process and face these situations. It is something that must be done in order to heal. First you need a form of release, whether it be music,movies,art, whatever moves you. The things that move you are actually the catalyst for this emotional alchemy to occur. We need a conduit that inspires us to have these feelings resurface. Then we need to have the awareness to recognize what we are feeling from the experiences. If it brings up anything from the spectrum of all emotions, then you will know you are getting somewhere. I’ve learned music is an awesome emotional thermometer. Pretty soon that song that used to make you sad, will no longer make you cry. And that is how you know you are getting somewhere positive.

Once these feelings come to the surface, then they are exposed and have to be expressed. This takes time, so make sure you have plenty of it and it’s not something you can do if other things are occupying your mind. It is something that must have dedicated time assigned to it, at first. Once these feelings come to the surface, you can chose to express them in a way you see fit. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like dancing, dance. If you feel like singing, sing. If you feel like talking, talk. If you feel angry, suicidal, depressed, or homicidal, then these feelings may pass, but it’s best to get professional help if that is the case. Sometimes, we aren’t going to be prepared for what we find so outside help is a must if these feelings do not subside after they have been released.

The whole point is to release them right away through this process in order for them to be gone for good. So if there is any concern, professional help is needed or at least talk to someone. Anyway, we must face what it is that has wounded us and evoke it to come to the fore front of your existence and face it, no matter what it is. Through this process, we heal just what it was that was weighing us down. Through the process of feelings these emotions, something magical happens. We no longer have to live with these repressed emotions, and the burden will be gone. There may be some residue after the initial releasing, but soon you’ll notice you don’t feel the same way about a particular song, or whatever it was that helped you anymore. It will only be a memory, the most concrete memory of a feeling you’ll ever know. And soon, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. You see things clearly and truthfully.

It’s easy to think that we can build walls and rely on our strength/stubbornness, but when it comes to our emotional body and past experience, we need to learn that these things must be expressed. I wonder if only we could value this as a society and at an early age, just how much different would the world be? With the understanding that feelings are in reality, real, but they do not have to control us. And if they do control us, we must learn to navigate our own spectrum of emotional turmoil/experiences. They do not define who you are. It only means you have had the courage in the past to open up your heart in a world that says it isn’t okay. To show expression on your face when the world says it is a sign of weakness. To give with the best of your ability in a world that only looks after themselves. Some people will say, “oh, that’s just the way the world is,” and I that is the one sentence I cannot fathom. It’s just how they accepted it to be and decided to make themselves a part of it to survive because that is what came naturally to them. But what if it doesn’t come naturally to be like that? What if your nature is the opposite?

Do not be too hard on yourself throughout the whole process. Remember, it is not a sign of weakness to release repressed emotions, but actually a sign of healing and tremendous strength. I’ve learned feeling is healing. I’ve learned the very feelings that need to be released, are the very feelings that are destroying us. I’ve learned they will destroy you, but you can always fight back. I’ve learned it is okay to do so in a world that says it’s a weakness. I’ve learned it is exactly what needs to be done in order to survive, not the opposite. I’ve learned no matter the name of emotion, if you can’t express it properly, it will destroy you instead. The best you can do is not ignore, but confront. So in the end, you are only hurting yourself, not protecting yourself if you conform to what the world says you should be like when it comes to expression.

Overall, I’ve learned that if you do not let out any emotion you feel especially love, it will become almost the opposite. If you are learning to love yourself and have not done your homework to the truth behind that idea, then instead it will only destroy you. If you don’t let this energy flow through you naturally and be expressed, then the energy has to go somewhere. I’ve learned to let these things go and have their way.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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