Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “emotional wounds”

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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I’ve Learned to Take Up for Myself

Throughout my journey, there are certain questions I had and then would have to find the answers to. But then there are instances where the answers and lessons come before the question is even thought of. You may not be aware of the problem in the first place, let alone take the necessary steps to fix it. These are the instances in which the right people and situations will come to you when you are ready to learn the lesson. It may take a while for you to wake up to the problem and therefore, the problem will persist until you can see what is causing so much havoc in the first place. It may start with a lingering feeling that you are missing something and everyone knows but you. It may have caused a lot of pain. It may take courage and you would be surprised of what you are capable of with just a little understanding once you realize the problem.

For me, It was learning to take up for myself. The situation in which i learned to do so was through a job in which I worked for people I wouldn’t even believe existed unless I encountered it for myself. (Although, I am no stranger to taking up for myself in close personal relationships, I had to learn how to all over again in a different setting).This job taught me so much about life on a microcosm level. It pointed out a lot of what is wrong with the world. That tiny office, was the epitome of what is wrong with the world but couldn’t believe I’d be a part of. And once I learned the truth, I wasn’t a part of it any longer. Along the way, though, I endured much, and came out a better person. My perseverance surprised me wholeheartedly while I navigated through this period of my life.

For instance, I never realized I had so much trouble taking up for myself. See, I am really good at understanding why people act the way they do and most the time it just doesn’t bother me. I see if someone is going through a hard time or have problems of their own, then I would justify their actions with my empathy. I’d think they must be having a bad day and it’ll pass. If they treat me bad along the way, it says more about them than it does about me. Eventually you have to take up for yourself, or it will only continue and after a while it would hurt my feelings. Due to the fact that I knew I’d never treat them like that and after a year of showing dedication to that job and loyalty to those people, you’d think they would have started to treat me with respect, but that is not the case.

This goes back to my previous post where I mentioned people will use that inner critic against you, they will also use your strengths against you also. At one point, after displaying characteristics such as honestly, loyalty, kindness, gratitude, and not to mention the hard work I was putting into that place, my office manager would start to discredit even my personality and all the good things about me. She’d find out I was honest, and then accuse me of lying. She’d find out I was loyal, and then accuse me of not caring about the patients or the office. She’d find out I was kind, and would start rumors about me in order for other co workers to become hostile towards me. She’d notice I developed a technique that works and then hide the materials I’d need to do it again. She’d find out I was hard working, and then piled more work on me while refusing to give me a raise. She’d find out I could handle even all the extra work she’d demand but then watch my every move in order to find just that one thing to complain about and then find me incompetent while degrading me behind closed doors to my boss.

Throughout it all, I knew the lady had problems and at first I thought she was helping, but she was just trying to lure me in so then she would have more control over me. At first, I would just listen to everything she was telling me about my job, in which she never even went to school for, and how things are supposed to be done there. I would take mental notes and go back and do better next time. Each time, I would apply what I was told, only to then have her find more and more and more. It was a vicious endless cycle. I learned that she had psychological issues in which she thought she was hideous looking and never came out of the house. She and my boss were together and lived together. Throughout it all, I found I learned to forgive her each time and displayed a lot of compassion I didn’t even know I had. Another huge thing i learned is not to take things personal. I learned that the way I was being treated was not because of me but because of how she felt about herself. I also learned my boss was the same exact way and working next to him everyday was one insult disguised as jokes day in and day out. This is important because when I first started working there I really did think it was me and I carried that weight for a while. This is so important because this had been a recurring theme my whole life and by learning this lesson I was able to heal emotional wounds I otherwise wouldn’t have, had I not gone through this. Also this lady characterized many different people throughout my life in which I carried around the weight of thinking I had done something wrong. She was the catalyst that set the stage for me to heal and overcome a lot of my past. Now, these past events and the way I was treated no longer burden me. A huge thing I learned, is not to change yourself in order to please. In a way she was the mother figure and he was the father figure in which I tried to please but was only manipulated by them while never being reciprocated. I had to learn to take up for myself, I had exhausted my old way of doing things.

Anyway, there is only so much a person can handle, I learned. I learned that no matter how much compassion you have for someone that it is not okay for someone to treat you like that. I learned to have respect for myself and that I had a choice whether I allowed her to talk to me like that. One day, I decided that I did not have to put up with it. When she would go on rants and lash out on me I used to let her finish and take it. Then one day while she was going through one of her rants, I thought to myself “just hang up the phone” and that is what I did. I realized then I had the choice of whether to be treated like that or not. I didn’t do it to piss her off or because I felt it warranted some revenge. I did it for me.

I realized she was always going to act like even if I had worked there for 20 years, she would never change or show me any respect. It just wasn’t in her. She couldn’t, because she felt bad for herself. Unless she got professional help she would never get any better, therefore, I would always have to deal with it. No matter how much I tried to help, it didn’t matter. This is when I realized I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’ve been trying to help people who didn’t want to help themselves and sticking around anyway just to be treated poorly. I learned that I let people walk all over me. I saw it as letting things roll of my back and being kind, but in reality it was ruining my self worth. While I worked there I had nightmares, insomnia, fatigue, flashbacks, anxiety, and every textbook symptom of PTSD. It sneaked up on me so subtly that I didn’t even know who I was anymore by the time I realized it.

Little by little, I would take up for myself, again. When my boss would make a rude remark and then when he would act so impressed with himself as if he embarrassed me, I’d say something to take up for myself. He thought he was embarrassing me every time, but in actuality I was embarrassed for him every time, and that is what I would be thinking instead of trying to say something to take up for myself. I would literally by in awe of how embarrassed I was for him for being so crude. He would literally think he was embarrassing me. But I learned not to take anything personal, and knew his actions had nothing to do with my worth. I really had an epiphany after i busted my ass working there and nothing changed.

I also learned that people have a twisted perception of kindness and compassion. It’s almost like it’s an abnormality in most people’s minds. It’s normal to treat people terribly while making yourself feel better in the process. In my opinion, those are the crazy people, the ones who need to spend some time in the ward. Once again, a microcosm realization that lead me to see this same problem in society and in the world. Everywhere i looked people were doing it. They were talking down to those around them to feel better about themselves. There is no need to compare yourself to others, just try to be a better you.

I learned that those people saw me as an easy target but what they didn’t realize it that kindness in not a weakness. They were the wolves and i was the sheep in their minds. But what they didn’t understand is it takes more courage to be true to yourself in this world then it does to succumb to their ways. It takes great strength. It’s a delusion that i see running rampant in this world. I slowly got myself out of this situation. It was hard going into work everyday but I did it, better equipped than the last. I made sure I had another job to go to first and then little by little I had an escape plan. I was tired of walking on eggshells and figured they’d fire me anyway. Funny thing is they never fired me, because patients liked me and I did the job well. I also experienced sexism and racism with these people.

I also learned that after I learned to take up for myself and applied it, that it actually just made them treat me worse. It was a futile situation unless I succumbed to being beaten down emotionally everyday. There is such thing as being too loyal. After coming to work and almost crying but not being able to because I had to see patients, I knew I had had enough. All it took was to understand what was happening and once again, it was a situation I wouldn’t even believe could exist unless I experienced it myself. And if I didn’t experience it, I would have never healed a lot of my past or learn to take up for myself. I’ve learned it only takes one person that has a problem and can target you in order to try and make your life hell. I’ve learned that’s okay because their world is small. I’ve learned that that office is the only thing they have and the only thing they look forward to. The only place to place all their energy, whether it’s positive or negative. They could have it, I knew then I was done with this part of my life and ready to move on.

I’ve learned some people make the world feel so small while others make the world feel big. I choose to be a part of the bigger picture.

Overall, I learned people will mistake kindness as a weakness. I learned the world is consisted of a ton of narcissists, and these people were not my first or last encounter. I’ve learned that compassion and empathy are my natural reaction to things, but to not let them blind me and prevent me from saving myself from future emotional abuse. I’ve learned that I had strength so much deeper than ever expected. I’ve learned I can find forgiveness and understanding in unusual circumstances. I learned I can adapt while keeping my values in tact. But most of all, I learned to take up for myself and never would have if I didn’t experience this. And I didn’t take up for myself by lashing out or hurting others or getting revenge, rather I just chose not to subject myself to the abuse. I learned when no one else has your back or takes up for you, then you must have your own back and take up for yourself. I learned to correct people when they assume something about me or try to put words into my mouth. That is a great way to start taking up for yourself, by the way!

(Copyright Kerrious2014 with all rights reserved).

This reminds me of few quotes

“Insecure people have to make excuses and put others down to feel confident. Confidence isn’t walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you are better than everyone else, it’s walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone in the first place.”

“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”
Marcus Aurelius

One more thing….

Here is a great article on an example of what I went through. Hope it helps. http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

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