Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “dream”

Near Death, Closer to Life

As I walked up,

up to a familiar figure,

a manly figure and a unique face.

Comfort set in, no longer alone,

he asked to walk further,

along beside me.

I began my self-pity

my loathing inside,

He insisted I was insane,

That I’ve been on the right path.

Nothing came from my mouth,

stunned to hear these facts.

Everyone has something,

you must find yours, he said.

Perplexed was my gaze,

my mind put at ease.

As we entered our destination,

I noticed to my right,

friends gathered, grieving together.

Why aren’t I there too?

Strange, I thought.

We approached a man

wearing all black,

I felt the feeling of loss.

Too concerned with the grieving,

I began to walk away from the man,

Away from the plot.

I took a glance back and saw his distraught.

Unsettled and slightly withdrawn,

I approached the table of friends,

saw me, they did not.

I felt invisible,

and they were consoling one another.

I tried to speak, but realized

I was not there.

In spirit yes, but in body-no

A bright light engulfed my vision,

I tried harder to stare,

my focus slowly became clearer.

As my senses awoke,

All six of them with a jolting shock,

Immense curiosity inflicted anticipation,

Then I could see what was in the light,

An almost holy face appeared,

facing away from me.

It turned, as if in slow motion,

It couldn’t be real.

It began to open its mouth,

as if to speak,

but only fear and surprise it could see.

And it made him smile.


 

It began some time ago,

Vividness so surreal,

Life force I could feel,

Engulfed my soul with peace and love.

Until now those words I could only draw,

And there was nothing to trouble my spirit.

I walked beside you,

Though I knew not of you.

You answered my subconscious diversity,

But not one word was spoken,

Only a realization and understanding assumed.

I walked with you still,

To a neighboring void,

A look to my right that left me completely spaced from your existence,

And with this space created a disconnection,

To the source of this new found confirmation.

And as I turned to look,

You starred back with utter confusion.

And with that one look I knew,

Something greater had taken me from the him,

The source of light you had given me.

And perhaps it was mine, even for that lost moment in space.

All my thoughts were defined with precise parallelism,

The shadows dissipated with only a touch,

But it was mine, it was mine for just that moment.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2008)

I’ve Learned to Embrace the Dark/Shadow Self

I can’t remember, exactly where and when I started to discover the dark side and shadow side of our human existence. All I know is that I have faced it and embraced it. I made it to the other side. When we think of light vs. dark, we automatically think that choosing light is the best answer. because we have to get through the dark in order to get to the light. because there is truth in darkness but not in evil. We think that we are either one or the other without even considering the possibility that we all possess both for a time. Sometimes, this dark side expresses itself but we deny it and continue to suppress it in order to stay in an illusion of who we are. at least there is truth there. but evil manifests externally in forms of paranoia and fear. Any new information causes cognitive dissonance and creates fear of the unknown. We fear because we do not understand. Sometimes, people will go to great lengths in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own evil selves, so they blame the devil or good people (which are way two different things) or anything or anyone in order to cope instead. but that’s obviously not coping, that’s trying to cover up their evil deeds. We tend to confuse any uncomfortable situations we find in ourselves on the outside world instead of looking inside ourselves for an answer. I’ve learned you must take responsibility. I’ve learned it’s about integration and balance.if you balance the two you can become more. and it’s def not evil.

When I started my journey to delve into myself, I never expected to come face to face with my the darkness in myself.  I’ve learned to embrace my shadow completely. I have come to peace with it. I’ve learned you cannot have one without the other. I’ve learned you cannot just pretend it doesn’t exist. It will keep calling your attention until you either deny it or embrace it. I believe this all started after I lost my identity. I lost it because my external events and stalkers and harassers were taking it all. Everything I told myself I was and everything everyone thought I was (which were lies).

Then I was faced with numerous situations in which I could not deny this shadow self existed but also I learned I would have to embrace it inevitably. It was like I wasn’t afraid of anything anymore after that. For instance, I was in dream time. I woke up lucid dreaming. I was in my bed and crawling along the wall as if I was looking for a way out. Then I noticed another person. This person came closer. And as this person came closer to the side of the bed I began to see it lift his arm. I was lying on my back and before I knew it this person had a knife in that hand. I fought with this knife(not so much fought as just protected myself easily). As I was wrestling with the arm with the knife I focused more on the person. As I felt the tip of the blade I noticed the face was blurry. Then the face became unblurry and the more i focused and tried to see, the more blurry it became, but eventually i was stronger than the blade and blur. I tough the tip of the blade and it was real. I kept the blade from puncturing me and at that moment the face became clear. That face was me. Clear as day, that face was me.but i don’t really believe i would do something like that. maybe i defeated myself because we are our own worst enemies at times. to show others they are their worse enemies. I can’t be blames for others problems.

It became clear to me this wasn’t an ordinary dream, but a message of some sort. It was the catalyst for change. I set in motion this change by realizing I do have this dark road of some sort with me at all times, and that I can let it hurt me and cause trouble in my life. My will towards that knife in the dream defeated it and that is no different than in real life. I’ve learned I have a strong will. Without a strong will, it can easily consume you. I started to see it everyday, everywhere. People who have succumbed to their darkness in order to cope and become disillusioned have become evil.  Overall, I learned that we cannot suppress our darkness. When we accept that it exists and bring it to the light and better understand it, only then are we able to embrace it and coexist with it. This lesson has been one of the most interesting yet surreal experiences so far in life. Now I live with my shadow self almost in perfect balance. I do not fear or reject it. I do not blame external influences. I accept it because it is a part of me. With this understanding, I am better able to cope with this force in life and realize all that it means. The way I feel about it now shows strength and maturity. It is as if I opened and passed through a metaphorical gate into our existence. I no longer fear but instead I find it beautiful. It’s beautiful and refreshing to have the awareness of its existence and being okay with it. I find beauty and hope in darkness and despair.there is truth is darkness but none in evil.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

942908_10151785124075499_1185202366_n

Post Navigation