Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “dark”

I’ve Learned; God’s Will

It’s like you moved me

away from God’s plan

uprooted my whole destiny

God’s will.

Except he took notice

and became enraged

with the entire world

I always felt like

my life was wrong for me

like I was meant to be somewhere else

anywhere else

with anyone else.

When I realized the darkness

was trying to sway me

into that direction

and took it upon themselves

to change God’s will

they never though

they would get caught.

But I’m here now

and they can’t change that

I still found my way

towards the divine

I still have in me

what he gave me in the beginning.

Just because I scare you

because your intentions are bad

just because I exist

to become so much more

more than you bargained for

more than you gave me.

I want to reclaim my place

I want to punish you

for what you’ve done to me

years of suffering

wondering why

why I never felt right

like I was living a lie

in someone else’s dream

I want to smash your dreams

there is no hope for you

the dark times are ending

and taking you with them.

I sure I surprised you

pulling through in the end

staying true to my soul

while you play games with others

but I still feel sorry for you

there must be something I can do

I turned my back on you

I saw the tricks you tried to play

taking me away

away from my purpose

to fulfill

God’s will.

You’ll just have to deal

with yourselves

and the mess you made

because now he knows

you’ve betrayed us all.

He’s taking back what’s his

his plan was delayed

because of these games you play

why deny the inevitable

why lie to yourselves?

Get out of my realm

you just make it worse

No what thou wilt

is what you do these days

except you forgot and

He’s back to say

you can’t win this way

you can’t change his will

or hurt us

ever again.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Brain

I feel like my brain

has adapted for survival

like I was brain dead

but brought back to life.

Like an electrical shock

that ran through my mind

to only be revived

because it wasn’t my time.

All my life I’ve fought

for my survival

always clawing my way through

to the other side

because I knew it was there.

The light was bright the first time

taking me with it

while the dark and the light

raged war in my intellect.

No one lost and no one won

we all just forgave each other

as family does.

The second time the light came

I did not succumb

I did not accept my fate

as it was too late

now I wait.

A metaphor for my life

God fighting for my soul

while Lucifer began to like me

as they fought over me.

But I like them both.

It’s because of them

that I live again.

And love can save your soul.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Feeling

I just feel like my head is not on right. Having trouble breathing due to intense emotions coming from everything I’ve been trying to ignore lately. Here I am at my father’s, went to chemo with him and I still just want to run away.

But I know that I’m not really trying to. It has become strong urge; very confused at the moment of what that is and how i do not want to make the same mistake again.The thought of myself tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, pain in my body; especially muscles. And I thought….

Maybe I’m trying to escape my body.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written spring 2014 – tape recordings found

awakening process

I’ve Learned; Living With the Enemy

Not easily persuaded,

thought I’d give it a try.

When my world grew old

the new emerged,

not because I hadn’t looked before

but because I took notice more.

It was what I had asked for, can no longer ignore.

As my tolerance grew thin

it became a catalyst, and I won’t take anymore.

Sure, you seemed harmless

yet I knew right away

because I could hear every word

and feel everything,

although you didn’t know,

because it was always about you.

All who want a good listener or audience

yet fail to hear or see anyone else.

In the presence of others,

I could see some falling for it too.

It seemed like escaping from a spider web

but not wanting to kill the spider.

It’s like seeing the spider alluring its prey

but knowing it shouldn’t be stopped.

It’s like the spider who moves in great haste 

because you disturbed its web, its illusion.

Although it may bite, I won’t absorb its poison.  

Rejecting all that does harm to me.

Some choose to weave a web

with delicate precision;

as intricate as the lies they tell

for others to run into,

but not all are trapped

and not all can see the web they run into,

only the means to escape

as no plea for help will suffice.

Sometimes we fight our way out just in time

sometimes we get caught,

and sometimes we defeat the spider 

despite the fact it mistook us for prey.

We hold no resentment towards it,

no plans for revenge.

Instead, we choose to heal ourselves

while letting the spider go.

I know because I have tried

and always find out,

the inevitable can’t be prevented

and minds can’t be swayed,

one must already be aware of the truth

and believe in themselves enough

to see through the disguise.

Playing to the tune of my empathy

becomes the first mistake.

Then mistaking it for weakness

becomes the last misconception,

With understanding comes the realization

there is no real power through manipulation.

I thought you had the gift,

but only used it to cause harm

to all others for your hopeless gain,

but you weren’t aware

it was only harm to yourself….

Therein lies the irony,

for the selfish can’t even see it,

or the ones they are hurting.

Guess I had to live with the enemy
in order to understand it more.

To put into words…

And there I found the resolution to it all;

All those who have sought me out

for some selfish yet severely delusional

thought of taking advantage.

I’m prepared for the rumors, stories, and misunderstandings.

There’s always been someone like you,

I have let into my life, but not anymore.

Although I prevail you will stay the same,

and those thoughts you hold about me

will also stay the same because it’s too much

to come to terms with yourselves.

Go ahead and project onto me

blame me for your problems,

try to hurt me because you are hurting.

Although your delusions tell you it’s working,

doesn’t mean I believe you,

and I can’t say I didn’t try to help even after I warned you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

isiswingsspiral-300x242

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Shadow Dancer

And after I noticed the shadow on my face

It covered half of me

and made its presence known

never something outside of me

but more like something

soaked into my skin

like I was a sponge

who collected everything

The other half shimmered in the light

and reflected back to me

through walls

and through lovers

Did not matter which way i moved

the dark and light would go with me

Forever remaining like face paint

on a sculpture of poetry

of human flesh

Looking to the left

the shadow was out of sight

but when I looked to the right

I thought the light had blinded me

but I did not lose my vision

as I peered into the light

I swore I saw my shadow

staring right back at me

from behind the light

Each came to me

on their own terms

and specific timing

My eyes could not comprehend

if they were both real

or how I could see

them both

at the same time

So I took both of them in

and they resided in me

and intertwined

into a beautiful existence

that only my spirit understood

They coexisted

simultaneously in a way

that only my spirit

knew how to use them

Although the shadow was illusive

I knew that it was there

Although the light was intrusive

I never denied its power

It wouldn’t exist

if I had never come face to face

with my shadow

It is plastered on my face

but there is light in my eyes

I am a shadow

that dances on the wall

I am a light

that reflects the way

for us all

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

Post Navigation