Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “consciousness”

I’ve Learned; Mind Control

Down on my knees
Begging God please
I know that you are there
I just know that you are
It’s different now
You aren’t the same
You opened up to me
I was there to see
Still this anger resides
In the back of my mind
I blame it on myself
Instead of everyone else
You let me in and let me live
I am aware now
I was in pain
Trapped inside this flesh of a girl
Who longs for love and love in return
I know I have all the love in the world
And to feel less alone
I believe others are out there too
Who could love like me
I gave it my all
Down to my core
No matter how much I hurt
I will always pull through.
Now this writing is shallow
Because I repress the pain
I really want to scream
But I sang in the shower instead
I was to think negatively
But only positive words appear
I want to strangle myself
But I am just too hard on myself
When did it become this game
This game of lies
I can’t sort through them all anymore
I know I am the truth
and that keeps me going
I can’t keep doing this to myself
This writing is so shallow.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 during a terrible job , how easily the vulnerable can be manipulated into thinking they aren’t good enough.

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I’ve Learned; Share

“Empty Lines” written in 2009 – the cure for writer’s block? writer’s frustration – found this cute. before I was open to sharing.


All I see are lines
And spaces in between
Yearning for my thoughts
I suppose you want words?
Let me think here, leave me be
Quit looking at me
You want my inner wisdom
You want all this bottled up hope
Relentless you seem
Vaguely calling my name
What do you want from me?
My thoughts are floating near an ocean right now
Never to be retrieved
Perhaps received, in times of need
Fine, you’ve tried your damn-est
I told you you’d never have it
Have I ever lied to you before?

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Feeling

I just feel like my head is not on right. Having trouble breathing due to intense emotions coming from everything I’ve been trying to ignore lately. Here I am at my father’s, went to chemo with him and I still just want to run away.

But I know that I’m not really trying to. It has become strong urge; very confused at the moment of what that is and how i do not want to make the same mistake again.The thought of myself tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, pain in my body; especially muscles. And I thought….

Maybe I’m trying to escape my body.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written spring 2014 – tape recordings found

awakening process

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned Good vs. Evil

When I look into a person’s eyes, I see them staring straight through me and return I bare the depths of their soul. The exchange reflects experiences shared and experiences untold. I have ceased making contact at times, due to the overwhelming impact these encounters have laid unto me. I cannot fathom the possibility of a more profound exchange between two living beings. Some take it for granted. Some as a sign of strength. others as a sign of weakness when you don’t look them in the eyes. But there is something more that only your soul can comprehend.

I’ve seen loss in such great detail that my heart explodes into a song of empathy. I’ve seen heart break through the eyes of us all. I’ve began to wonder if the whole world revolves around broken hearts? It must be why there are wars and chaos in the midst of such a beautiful world. Heart break can emerge from more than just an intense lover. It may exist in an idea as small as a betrayal from Santa Clause. I’ve seen eyes that hang on and grasp every last detail of a self-made tragedy in the attempt for revenge. I’ve seen eyes turn soulless in a short time. Heart break is not for the weak who grasp at its insignificant details but cannot grip the harsh realities.

Those who hold on and let it consume them will never have the chance for true redemption. Instead they exhibit pseudo emotions that resemble death which cling to life even after they are gone. It saddens me to have witnessed such things. But through it all I remain still and always hoping to someday live in a world that is aware of such truths. I hope to succeed in bringing that awareness to this breathing living notion. It is possible.

I have seen true dissonance that only emptiness can allure. All my life has been a reel of such images. They echo in the midst of my wondering mind. I will never be able to see the world the same after one has seen the hollow depths of these encounters. One must not make the mistake in thinking we are all the same. What happens when we become so naive and think we are all the same? We begin to believe that all of us are capable of the goodness when in a crueler sense there are some that just are not. What makes us all the same is the susceptibility to such acts that can lead us astray. and sometimes good people fall for lies, deceit, and manipulation that lead us astray. But perhaps, some of us are good and some of us are evil? Is it by a force greater than us or a product of conditioning? A sense of identity? Evil is fueled by pure choice to be so which is a more disturbing thought. All of these are possibilities, but it is a concept as old as time. Good vs. Evil.

Some let the heart break consume them to their very cores, their souls. Some take the heart break and make is something grand, as if naturally permitting the laws of metamorphosis, like me. And those who do live to tell about it, in a way that awakens each and every one of us to the possibility that we all have the vulnerability to be hurt so badly that even our own minds can be swayed into the direction of evil without our appropriate consent. To only see their hurt as the only reason to live. That mentality can eat away at their souls until nothing left. So it isn’t so much a question as to whether we all have souls, but rather what we do with our souls.  Those who warrant revenge in a manner that hurts everyone especially themselves and the innocent in the process. It only hurts themselves.

We never imagine the possibility that through their actions they are dwelling in the avenues to a point of no return. It is what you do with it that truly encompasses your purpose. Those who take it to the evil side should actually be weary of those who don’t. We who overcome with no intentions to hurt others like they have hurt us are who they should be fearful of. For they remain soulful in a soulless world. They remain diligent yet steady in these days to bring attention to those that remain in the dark because their is hope but not hope for evil. We are there reminding you. We don’t have to do much, in fact, just our presence infuriates the soulless. It reminds them of what they wish they could be. If we can firmly stay intact in our worlds with this possibility, then we have truly won the persistent battle of good vs. evil.

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(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

I’ve Learned Consciousness Has a Story

I see a young women sitting near the ocean, but the ocean has no sand. The bank is covered in grass and she sits there waiting for something. She is unsure of what she is waiting for exactly but knows she must wait. She looks beyond the waters and into the distance. Remembering a life once lived yet lost. She knows there is a vague memory of a love she once knew. Slowly she adjusts her eyes to the endless horizon of sea.

Alas, a light appears and it seems to be approaching. She recognizes it in some far off distant dream. As it gets closer she see the outline of a man. Memories reemerge and take reign as she swims out to meet him. Though her dress weighs her body down, she knows they will meet just in time for relief of this weight. He helps her onto his boat and their instincts embraced. No words were spoken as they gazed into each others eyes, knowing what they had been searching for has been realized.

As soon as bliss occurred so must tragedy. They saw the sky crack with light and heard thunder rambling on. Wind started to threatened his shell of a boat and the waters of the ocean trenched them with fear. Fear of not death but losing one another the instant they met again. Without much warning they were over turned by the roaring waves. She was taken by the force of the tides that she once could only see from a distance. They were separated once again. She to the shore and he to the ocean. She was taken under as her hair resembled a delicate jelly fish floating to the surface. He fought with all his strength to reach her but his boat gave him life.

As she woke on the shore she wondered if it was just a dream. It felt so real yet she couldn’t be sure. She knew they’d meet in another time or another life. She could still feel the ecstasy of his embrace and all her life seemed to become real. All of her life flashed before her and he knew it too. They were ripped apart but set free all at the same time.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

One of many stories that inhibit our consciousness, and the rest are to be told another time….<3

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