Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “choices”

I’ve Learned; You Just Know

I know I love you because I’ve been surpassing all the levels on the way to love and realizing it. I always look forward to the next level and am excited with how far we can go. That sir, is what I think love is and I love you. I just want to be your partner through these levels, together. I may not always be able to tell you why. All I know is how to trust myself. When I’m with you I am  myself and never feel ashamed about that. I never look down o you. In fact, I admire your way of being. It exists in me too and I think I know why. I want you just how you make me happy, exactly who you are and how you make me feel. I don’t care to worry about the future because I have the feeling it will be okay. I want you to continue with me through this experience as a human being.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). Sample love letter.

Men think it’s such an accomplishment or a test in wit to get a woman into bed “easily” as if they Jedi mind tricked her. But the real accomplishment is getting into her heart. And if that is still manipulation you’ve won nothing, not really.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 210 Days Ago

Because every time I do it, I get this excruciating reminding of how alone I really am. Not lonely just alone and it stays with me for days. I can’t shake it but I can’t just stop either. It consumes me for days and it’s not exactly regret or I wouldn’t have done it but it’s the reminder of what it’s like to be so close to a person, connected like that. Something I took for granted when I did have it even if it was with the wrong people. You just don’t know how much you miss something until you taste it again. Or how much you long to connect and be so close to a person because it’s the only thing we really have. And I now have nothing. Maybe that is the feeling knowing it wasn’t really mine but just for that moment in time. Knowing nothing good can come from it or anything with substance and that is why I feel so empty. Because I keep doing it. When I want something more, quite the opposite.

Why do I let it consume me for days after? Why does it matter so much? Because I feel like I betrayed myself to the mundane actions we humans succumb to. I want more, but sometimes it feels that is all I’ll ever have. I just want one, only one.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). on being the other woman.

I’ve Learned; Family

You can’t own God’s creations

you can’t steal his children

we are free

you are not.

you create your own chains

there is so much to enjoy

and nothing to fear ever again.

To get through the change

is all you need to do

be strong enough to change

brave enough to keep going

wise enough to know you aren’t in control

A Human Intervention

Kept holding the truth

it’s inevitable; we matter

Those who thought they could control this and only save their own have lost their soul throughout it all but there is salvation. They lost sight of the truth on their quest to contain the truth. and yet they want another chance? They never should have done it but if they hadn’t we wouldn’t all be learning this great lesson. We are all family. metaphorically speaking. i don’t believe in family anymore, because everyone just wants to save their own and my family didn’t save me or help me. not here anyway.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Society

Shouldn’t have to tell you twice

to not tell me twice

and to take my meds

Project onto me your anxieties

as I’m fearless

and not scared of anything anymore

Not life, not death

waiting on others

why should I tell them twice?

Dragging out minutes of truth

to suffice your needs

and addictions.

While I sat in a place

disappointed in my fellow man

lasting weeks, what should have been just hours

to understand – at least to me.

Waiting on the others

don’t tell me twice to take my meds

or anything for that matter

But I’ll tell you twice

enough until you listen

take your meds, society

take them with food

my fear is your appetite

but I fear no more

so you will starve

and I won’t tell you twice

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned to Trust Myself

One of the hardest lessons to learn throughout my life journey was that I had lived a long time not trusting myself. This started as a child and continued into adulthood.. What I have learned, is that we are creatures of our environments. If we are raised in environments where love is not given freely and therefore we have to loose ourselves to gain that love from others, we tend to never develop trust in ourselves. What a healthy child would learn is boundaries, but if as a child you never had the ability to set boundaries, because you had to take what you could get, then you will carry that with you into adulthood. Let me make myself clear here when I say, I do not blame the adults in my environment as a child. I know they are human and had problems of their own at that point in time that took precedence, and that is no one’s ideal situation, not even theirs. And that’s okay.

Over the past couple years I have learned this about myself and learned to develop healthy boundaries with others, especially those I love. When my eyes were open to this fact, I looked back and saw every instance in which I did not place boundaries and therefore lost myself. I realized I did not trust myself. I did not trust the person that I was to see that what I was doing was only hurting myself. I placed others above me in order to feel loved, liked, or needed. Then I began to ask myself, if all my decisions in life led me to here, what could be so wrong about that? I am here for a reason and everyday there is a reminder that something is right. Sometimes I even question if it’s in my control at all.

Are we in control or does everything work out how it is suppose to work out in order for you to become who you are meant to be? Maybe that is why we are oblivious to a lot of the choices we make while growing up, to learn from them in a way in which only we, ourselves, can understand. Like a blueprint for our life in which is like a story book, neatly prepared for just us, that has multiple endings, depending on our choices? When the same scenario repeats itself in life, that is when the challenge arises. Do we apply our new knowledge from the past so called mistake? Or do we make the same choice and go around in circles and never know why?! Maybe that is the extent in to which our free will extends? Maybe that is why we are forever tricked into playing the game because we think we have some control over the whole mess, when really we are at mercy to our choices we make, but how do we make the right choices unless we are aware of what it is we need the most? This is why we tend to take the long road. Free will is not so much about control over our lives so much as it is about how we react to life.

Anyway, I thought I must have made my past choices for a reason, to be here, now, in this moment. Sometimes I think I could have worked harder or became more passionate about one thing and focused on that, then I would be more successful. But I feel like I need to go through all this before I can be successful. For the most part, I have always trusted things would work out the way they are supposed to and everything will turn out fine. I have always followed my heart, haven’t I? That is something i don’t think I knew the truth about until recently.

In reality, I was repeating patterns, not so much as following my heart. I would choose people who didn’t deserve my love in order to correct the gaping holes of lost love in the past. It was as if I was trying to make my past right by choosing people who could never love me the way I loved them, in order to change the past to validate my life experiences. To make me right. This cycle will only continue unless I do something different. There is such a strong force in me that wants to continue the cycle so that maybe, just maybe, the person I choose will somehow love me. This reminds me of a quote “we accept the love we think we deserve.” This also reminds me of the quote, “Some people feel like they don’t deserve love, they walk away quietly, into empty spaces, trying to fill the gaps of the past.”

These quotes are important because that is exactly what I was doing for the longest time and still continue to be aware of inside me today. I catch myself doing this and realizing I can change it. For the most part I feel like I have come far and overcame a lot, but another part of me still wants to continue the cycle. I think I do this because I think i trust myself. I say well, my choices got me here and I am happy with all that I have learned and since I handled my past so well, then it gives me the confidence to really believe in myself. But the catch is to be able to apply all that I learned to that trust, and adapt and make the necessary changes.

Maybe my choices thus far got me here but I can still choose where I go from here. Why continue to give love to the people who don’t deserve it? To the people who I feel need it most. Now it is my turn to be loved and maybe this idea is so foreign to me that when someone really does love me and would do anything for me, I will turn a blind eye to it. I won’t recognize it because I never had it. I may have thought I had it at one point, but I’m sure I found a way to sabotage it in the past. (Self sabotage is another story for another time.) I’ve got to be able to trust myself enough to move forward with my findings and not continue the cycle.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how intelligent you are or all the blessings that are in you life, you will still feel like something’s missing. This is the time to be patient with yourself and trust that the answer will come. Maintain self control and recognize if the cycle repeats and then choose the different path this time around. It may feel as if you are betraying yourself but you are not. It may feel like you are not following your heart but you are. You have to keep in mind there is still a part of you that feels you do not deserve it and you have to prove it wrong.

After being in situations where I would constantly have to break my boundaries in order to feel loved, I had to learn it for myself in order to really make the change. Eventually things fall into place and you are no longer saying yes when you want to say no. You no longer do anything you don’t want to do just to feel loved. You realize that you deserve love in a healthy way and it can be done. Over the past couple years, i have done things to prove this to myself. I no longer believed I deserved to be treated a certain way in order to be loved because I was developing self love. I broke things off with men if they began to show signs that they didn’t respect me. I quit jobs where I was being treated poorly. All of these instances were situations in which my boundaries were constantly being belittled. I woke up to the fact that I did not have to put of with it. I trusted myself to make these decisions because I knew I didn’t need to repeat the cycle. I realized that maybe I wasn’t causing people to treat me poorly! Imagine that. Therefore, I could understand it had nothing to do with me and I did not have to subject myself to these situations.

Overall, I learned to trust myself. I looked back at all the past decisions I made and realized I had made those decisions to learn. That’s just the way I am, I have to learn for myself because I never had the environment in which I could develop this as a child and I’m curious beyond belief. I know I am not the only one. If I didn’t go through all of it I would have never become aware of what it was I needed to change. All I can do is remember the good and learn from the bad. This is life and we are all here to experience it our own way. These days I trust that I will make the right decisions while maintaining healthy boundaries. I no longer look to others for love because I have found it in myself. I learned that some people can be trusted and relied on without wanting anything in return, like I do. I learned I am not alone. I’ve learned that when you face a dilemma, things could go either way. You just have to recognize what choice is the you now or the you then. It’s the very subtle difference in the two, you have to be aware of and be able to distinguish from.

I once had to face a dilemma in which an old problem was arising. I couldn’t help but think that maybe my choices have always been what they were because they were supposed to be that way. Like there really isn’t such thing as mistakes because all those choices came from me and led me here. I thought that maybe that is how I am supposed to continue and trust that I have always been right because those choices came from me. But that is not the case because you must apply what you learn. If you don’t change how you face making choices then you are not learning or applying your new knowledge.

It is difficult to want to have healthy relationships and choices when you were not taught as a child. It is so much easier to give in to repeating the cycle, but that is not why I am here. And as an adult you are the one who has to make it happen. Sometimes, the past is so powerful and it will be so hard to change that it becomes a fight to the death. Although, there is really nothing to win, you must show the past it does nothing to help you and that adapting to new ways of thinking is really in your best interest in the long run. I think when it hurts the most and becomes the most difficult to understand is right when you are getting somewhere because that is the sign of the death of the old you. You just have to hang in there and show it that the new you is who you trust now, because trust me, it will fight til the death. 😉

I learned that practicing yoga and learning balance allows you to learn to trust yourself. This helped me a lot and realizing that when I really trusted myself, I succeeded with my balance routine with no problem. But the moment I stopped trusting myself I would fall. Nowadays, I never fall and when I lose balance it is because my mind second guesses myself. This is a good metaphor and good practice to merge into our daily lives.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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