I’ve Learned; Buried Alive
And I keep imagining
you in your coffin
gaining consciousness
at your most vulnerable
alone, scared, and sad
as if there was something
I could have done
something I could have said
in a prayer
just something different.
This guilt being carried
accumulated for years
started as a child
as you made everything my fault
because I was a woman
you never saw things
as they were
you only saw them
how you were.
Just because you felt hurt
by a woman
doesn’t mean I was the same.
That hurt me at first
made me always blame myself
for things I didn’t do.
When I missed a shot
you said it was my fault
so I began to blame myself for everything
even your drinking
so I drank with you
to ease the pain.
But after all that
in the end
I didn’t see it that way
I never once blamed you
or anyone.
But now as I think of you
I want to bury you up
shovel the dirt until I find you
because I miss you
you let me know
it wasn’t my fault
that I was so talented
beautiful and smart
as you cried
I just knew you cared
despite all the years
of not being there.
I think that’s why I want you back
because you became intact
But something mystical took place
I could see it on your face.
I realized how good you were
and how sweet
that is why you hurt
because you were kind
in a cruel world
so you began to mask it
with other things.
So when I picture you
buried alive
it’s because when you were there
you let me know you cared
you were so strong and brave.
it’s just me
in that coffin
projecting my loss
onto you
and the sadness I feel
and the empathy
that made me cry at night
for you.
Because I could not fathom
the pain you went through
like I felt sorry for you
it’s just an image
keeping you in my mind
I couldn’t save you
so I picture you alive
because at our closest
you were taken away.
(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).
