When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “boundaries”

I’ve Learned; Pride

“Closet Decay” written 2008– coming across some old remnants of a past relationship partner that was close to you in your life and realizing how things ended up after all was said and done. People take for granted what they have and start to think they can find someone just like you again. Love can make some people too proud and it can blind them to what they already have.

Gathering belongings
They don’t belong to me
Only fragments of you
Pieces of the past
A past that is gone
For reasons too profound
We weren’t able to grasp
But now they are gathered
Into one plastic bag
Hanging in the closet
Like a forgotten band tee
Though you’re not forgotten
Only dismissed from my mind
Like the memories in this bag.
And with all that, it’s still okay,
Life will always hand out more.
So you thought.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….

Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Feeling

I just feel like my head is not on right. Having trouble breathing due to intense emotions coming from everything I’ve been trying to ignore lately. Here I am at my father’s, went to chemo with him and I still just want to run away.

But I know that I’m not really trying to. It has become strong urge; very confused at the moment of what that is and how i do not want to make the same mistake again.The thought of myself tired, emotionally, mentally, physically, pain in my body; especially muscles. And I thought….

Maybe I’m trying to escape my body.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written spring 2014 – tape recordings found

awakening process

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; Living With the Enemy

Not easily persuaded,

thought I’d give it a try.

When my world grew old

the new emerged,

not because I hadn’t looked before

but because I took notice more.

It was what I had asked for, can no longer ignore.

As my tolerance grew thin

it became a catalyst, and I won’t take anymore.

Sure, you seemed harmless

yet I knew right away

because I could hear every word

and feel everything,

although you didn’t know,

because it was always about you.

All who want a good listener or audience

yet fail to hear or see anyone else.

In the presence of others,

I could see some falling for it too.

It seemed like escaping from a spider web

but not wanting to kill the spider.

It’s like seeing the spider alluring its prey

but knowing it shouldn’t be stopped.

It’s like the spider who moves in great haste 

because you disturbed its web, its illusion.

Although it may bite, I won’t absorb its poison.  

Rejecting all that does harm to me.

Some choose to weave a web

with delicate precision;

as intricate as the lies they tell

for others to run into,

but not all are trapped

and not all can see the web they run into,

only the means to escape

as no plea for help will suffice.

Sometimes we fight our way out just in time

sometimes we get caught,

and sometimes we defeat the spider 

despite the fact it mistook us for prey.

We hold no resentment towards it,

no plans for revenge.

Instead, we choose to heal ourselves

while letting the spider go.

I know because I have tried

and always find out,

the inevitable can’t be prevented

and minds can’t be swayed,

one must already be aware of the truth

and believe in themselves enough

to see through the disguise.

Playing to the tune of my empathy

becomes the first mistake.

Then mistaking it for weakness

becomes the last misconception,

With understanding comes the realization

there is no real power through manipulation.

I thought you had the gift,

but only used it to cause harm

to all others for your hopeless gain,

but you weren’t aware

it was only harm to yourself….

Therein lies the irony,

for the selfish can’t even see it,

or the ones they are hurting.

Guess I had to live with the enemy
in order to understand it more.

To put into words…

And there I found the resolution to it all;

All those who have sought me out

for some selfish yet severely delusional

thought of taking advantage.

I’m prepared for the rumors, stories, and misunderstandings.

There’s always been someone like you,

I have let into my life, but not anymore.

Although I prevail you will stay the same,

and those thoughts you hold about me

will also stay the same because it’s too much

to come to terms with yourselves.

Go ahead and project onto me

blame me for your problems,

try to hurt me because you are hurting.

Although your delusions tell you it’s working,

doesn’t mean I believe you,

and I can’t say I didn’t try to help even after I warned you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).


I’ve Learned to Trust Myself

One of the hardest lessons to learn throughout my life journey was that I had lived a long time not trusting myself. This started as a child and continued into adulthood.. What I have learned, is that we are creatures of our environments. If we are raised in environments where love is not given freely and therefore we have to loose ourselves to gain that love from others, we tend to never develop trust in ourselves. What a healthy child would learn is boundaries, but if as a child you never had the ability to set boundaries, because you had to take what you could get, then you will carry that with you into adulthood. Let me make myself clear here when I say, I do not blame the adults in my environment as a child. I know they are human and had problems of their own at that point in time that took precedence, and that is no one’s ideal situation, not even theirs. And that’s okay.

Over the past couple years I have learned this about myself and learned to develop healthy boundaries with others, especially those I love. When my eyes were open to this fact, I looked back and saw every instance in which I did not place boundaries and therefore lost myself. I realized I did not trust myself. I did not trust the person that I was to see that what I was doing was only hurting myself. I placed others above me in order to feel loved, liked, or needed. Then I began to ask myself, if all my decisions in life led me to here, what could be so wrong about that? I am here for a reason and everyday there is a reminder that something is right. Sometimes I even question if it’s in my control at all.

Are we in control or does everything work out how it is suppose to work out in order for you to become who you are meant to be? Maybe that is why we are oblivious to a lot of the choices we make while growing up, to learn from them in a way in which only we, ourselves, can understand. Like a blueprint for our life in which is like a story book, neatly prepared for just us, that has multiple endings, depending on our choices? When the same scenario repeats itself in life, that is when the challenge arises. Do we apply our new knowledge from the past so called mistake? Or do we make the same choice and go around in circles and never know why?! Maybe that is the extent in to which our free will extends? Maybe that is why we are forever tricked into playing the game because we think we have some control over the whole mess, when really we are at mercy to our choices we make, but how do we make the right choices unless we are aware of what it is we need the most? This is why we tend to take the long road. Free will is not so much about control over our lives so much as it is about how we react to life.

Anyway, I thought I must have made my past choices for a reason, to be here, now, in this moment. Sometimes I think I could have worked harder or became more passionate about one thing and focused on that, then I would be more successful. But I feel like I need to go through all this before I can be successful. For the most part, I have always trusted things would work out the way they are supposed to and everything will turn out fine. I have always followed my heart, haven’t I? That is something i don’t think I knew the truth about until recently.

In reality, I was repeating patterns, not so much as following my heart. I would choose people who didn’t deserve my love in order to correct the gaping holes of lost love in the past. It was as if I was trying to make my past right by choosing people who could never love me the way I loved them, in order to change the past to validate my life experiences. To make me right. This cycle will only continue unless I do something different. There is such a strong force in me that wants to continue the cycle so that maybe, just maybe, the person I choose will somehow love me. This reminds me of a quote “we accept the love we think we deserve.” This also reminds me of the quote, “Some people feel like they don’t deserve love, they walk away quietly, into empty spaces, trying to fill the gaps of the past.”

These quotes are important because that is exactly what I was doing for the longest time and still continue to be aware of inside me today. I catch myself doing this and realizing I can change it. For the most part I feel like I have come far and overcame a lot, but another part of me still wants to continue the cycle. I think I do this because I think i trust myself. I say well, my choices got me here and I am happy with all that I have learned and since I handled my past so well, then it gives me the confidence to really believe in myself. But the catch is to be able to apply all that I learned to that trust, and adapt and make the necessary changes.

Maybe my choices thus far got me here but I can still choose where I go from here. Why continue to give love to the people who don’t deserve it? To the people who I feel need it most. Now it is my turn to be loved and maybe this idea is so foreign to me that when someone really does love me and would do anything for me, I will turn a blind eye to it. I won’t recognize it because I never had it. I may have thought I had it at one point, but I’m sure I found a way to sabotage it in the past. (Self sabotage is another story for another time.) I’ve got to be able to trust myself enough to move forward with my findings and not continue the cycle.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how intelligent you are or all the blessings that are in you life, you will still feel like something’s missing. This is the time to be patient with yourself and trust that the answer will come. Maintain self control and recognize if the cycle repeats and then choose the different path this time around. It may feel as if you are betraying yourself but you are not. It may feel like you are not following your heart but you are. You have to keep in mind there is still a part of you that feels you do not deserve it and you have to prove it wrong.

After being in situations where I would constantly have to break my boundaries in order to feel loved, I had to learn it for myself in order to really make the change. Eventually things fall into place and you are no longer saying yes when you want to say no. You no longer do anything you don’t want to do just to feel loved. You realize that you deserve love in a healthy way and it can be done. Over the past couple years, i have done things to prove this to myself. I no longer believed I deserved to be treated a certain way in order to be loved because I was developing self love. I broke things off with men if they began to show signs that they didn’t respect me. I quit jobs where I was being treated poorly. All of these instances were situations in which my boundaries were constantly being belittled. I woke up to the fact that I did not have to put of with it. I trusted myself to make these decisions because I knew I didn’t need to repeat the cycle. I realized that maybe I wasn’t causing people to treat me poorly! Imagine that. Therefore, I could understand it had nothing to do with me and I did not have to subject myself to these situations.

Overall, I learned to trust myself. I looked back at all the past decisions I made and realized I had made those decisions to learn. That’s just the way I am, I have to learn for myself because I never had the environment in which I could develop this as a child and I’m curious beyond belief. I know I am not the only one. If I didn’t go through all of it I would have never become aware of what it was I needed to change. All I can do is remember the good and learn from the bad. This is life and we are all here to experience it our own way. These days I trust that I will make the right decisions while maintaining healthy boundaries. I no longer look to others for love because I have found it in myself. I learned that some people can be trusted and relied on without wanting anything in return, like I do. I learned I am not alone. I’ve learned that when you face a dilemma, things could go either way. You just have to recognize what choice is the you now or the you then. It’s the very subtle difference in the two, you have to be aware of and be able to distinguish from.

I once had to face a dilemma in which an old problem was arising. I couldn’t help but think that maybe my choices have always been what they were because they were supposed to be that way. Like there really isn’t such thing as mistakes because all those choices came from me and led me here. I thought that maybe that is how I am supposed to continue and trust that I have always been right because those choices came from me. But that is not the case because you must apply what you learn. If you don’t change how you face making choices then you are not learning or applying your new knowledge.

It is difficult to want to have healthy relationships and choices when you were not taught as a child. It is so much easier to give in to repeating the cycle, but that is not why I am here. And as an adult you are the one who has to make it happen. Sometimes, the past is so powerful and it will be so hard to change that it becomes a fight to the death. Although, there is really nothing to win, you must show the past it does nothing to help you and that adapting to new ways of thinking is really in your best interest in the long run. I think when it hurts the most and becomes the most difficult to understand is right when you are getting somewhere because that is the sign of the death of the old you. You just have to hang in there and show it that the new you is who you trust now, because trust me, it will fight til the death. 😉

I learned that practicing yoga and learning balance allows you to learn to trust yourself. This helped me a lot and realizing that when I really trusted myself, I succeeded with my balance routine with no problem. But the moment I stopped trusting myself I would fall. Nowadays, I never fall and when I lose balance it is because my mind second guesses myself. This is a good metaphor and good practice to merge into our daily lives.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).


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