Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “betrayal”

Save Yourself, Save the World

When you first find out, you are angry. Not just with all those who have hurt you but also with the all lies it unravels. From the microcosm to the macrocosm you are are angry with it all. Then you feel you must do something. That it is your place in the world to do something, drastic, right now. Warn everyone! Agree with conspiracies because you can’t cope. It hits you hard, like a movie that just became real. You get all this intense energy flowing through you and don’t know where to place it all. After all those years of sensing something was amiss, you finally were proven right. But at first you feel you are the only one. So you try to spread the word to as many people as possible. You search for others. You notice things you never noticed before. You get confused on what is important and what isn’t because you fall and become full of pride but that doesn’t last long. Because there was always reminders to lead you back. Then you realize that this might affect your survival and perhaps there is another way. You realize it’s best to keep it to yourself. You may isolate and learn more that way. People will think you are crazy and therefore be cut off from the very things you need to survive – human contact, social structure, community, and money. So you then begin to see that you need to play it cool. You need to know but act like you don’t know. That is how you make a difference at first. You become an actor. But soon enough you won’t even care because you will have understanding. You will understand everything with such clarity that lets you coast into the next stage which is integration. Integration of who you really are and who they say you are. You become who you are meant to be. Just a little bit more each time. You start to use your own words, your own ideas. You will then begin to live it. Just be it. That is what it feels like. It feels like an urgency at first but then slowly you begin to realize it was something you knew all along. You always knew it but stayed in your comfortable illusion while knowing it would never get you anywhere. Mostly to survive in your environment. Then you realize that you did survive your environment and if you could do that then you can do anything. You notice that it is rare to not be effected by your environment, to hold onto hope. To not become like them. To know that something else is out there. Something better for you. Something waiting on you. Something inside you. You always saw the pointlessness in your world before but yet the structure had a strong grip. Then you begin to break free from that grip. You become familiar with the fetal position. But you muster all that you can and you don’t stop until you have the facts. Even then, you never stop searching. You never stop questioning. But you survive. You create a balance. But you can handle it. You falter occasionally but never give up. Because you begin to realize that the problem exists in you first. Our world is because of the human condition. You begin to see it in everything. All around you. You get thrown into situations that highlight this on magnitude levels. The way people are because of what they are feeling on the inside and how it is a direct reflection of the outside. You gaze a little more up at the night sky. Then you begin to notice that you too, are human. After thinking that you didn’t belong here or you must not be human, you really see that you are. Just having a different experience and outcome. You realize that in order to change our outer world, we must change who we are at the core first. Only then are we able to make a difference. You realize you aren’t really angry and that nothing needs to be done right now like shouting from the rooftops to get everyone’s attention, to wake them up. You think you are angry because you feel betrayed. But then you realize you were only betraying yourself and you can’t live with being angry at yourself. So you learn forgiveness and you learn to forgive yourself. You do this through emotional alchemy because you realize it causes harm to us all otherwise. You bring up all the darkness buried inside of you and embrace it because you can no longer deny or repress it. You accept it as a part of you but you do not let it control you. Anger transmutes into gratitude and that becomes key. You learn more about your dreams and happiness and make it happen. You come to the most profound conclusion and experience that you are worthy and you didn’t even know that you thought you weren’t. This strikes up great passion that laid dormant for a long time. Which leads you to find out just who it is that you really are. Which leads to unconditional love for who you really are. Which becomes unconditional love for others. You take responsibility for the past and continue to do so into the future. It is up to you. You realize that people will not listen to you anyway, no matter how much you care. You notice everyone comes through at their own time and only if and when they want to. You accept everyone for where they are at. Especially yourself. You find out we are all connected in this way. Then…….

You realize if you heal yourself, you heal the world. Then the real adventure begins. And it never really ends. All you need to do is remember because it will be so easy to forget. You do, indeed exist for this reason.

 

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

I’ve Learned What’s Important

Throughout our lives we have a tendency to take people for granted. As we get older and if we have been hurt by certain people we tend to re-write the past and sometimes make it out to be worse than it actually was. Sometimes we let this pain linger until it manifests into a disease. Sometimes we are confused as to why we may be remembering a certain memory at this point in our lives from the past. For example, when I first had my illusions shattered after a tough time in my life, I developed symptoms of PTSD. One of the most distinct features of this was the fact, almost automatically, I had flashbacks. Now, some of the flashbacks were accurate memories and some of them weren’t accurate but the time was too late to act on it. So instead, these elaborate memories, whether true or false, felt very real to me at that time. I noticed things about people I didn’t before. I noticed every single time someone betrayed me in the past and made sure they knew about it. I’m sure at the time of the betrayal I repressed it enough to continue living without any disturbance by the actions of others. I even went so far as to confront those closest to me about these flashbacks. I felt so sure that they were correct and needed to be addressed. These memories fought my sanity to the death.

When those closest to me were confronted, the reaction was not what I expected. I expected for everyone to just apologize and admit what they had done was wrong. I thought that once I confronted them with what I perceived to have done me harm by them, then they would instantly feel remorse and make me feel better about it. But what I didn’t get is even if they hurt me they most likely were not even aware of it at the time or thought that their actions had any effect on me. It’s so easy to reflect back on these times with embarrassment but my intensity was intensified by a complete loss of my structure of reality. Everything about my life was appearing exactly how it was and I did not like what I saw. I especially was upset with myself for the people I let into my life in order to have caused so much pain. Then I realized I had been doing this my whole life. My needs had always been over looked in order to make someone else feel better or the center of attention. I automatically would give up a lead role in a play to anyone who wanted it.

I had completely lost myself and my needs in order to please others. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned my needs must be met first before I can give anyone anything. I’ve learned that is the most important thing. After that the most important thing is family and friends. So after my episode I did snap back to reality. Truth is, I knew I wasn’t crazy and know people will say anything to you in order to not look at themselves. Instead of them taking into consideration what I was meaning, their defenses automatically took hold and the attention was turned back onto me in order for those around me to not look at themselves and how they hurt me.Anyway, It wasn’t so much that I lost touch with reality, I was going through a hard time. I was hurt and betrayed by someone so harshly that it opened up wounds in the forefront of my most dark thoughts. My repressed feelings of always being looked over. What I didn’t realize is I did the same thing to people at times. The reason why I was confused was because I was in so much pain, I didn’t realize the pain was coming from inside me. Instead I blamed everyone around me. I was in pain and so they would know it. They caused me pain and so they would know it. I once heard a quote “hurt people hurt people.” We do, we really do.

Now, I see that I would never want to hurt anyone just because I am hurting. I am aware of this occurrence in life now. I’ve learned that there is really not much anyone else can do to help you. It’s vague at this point how I got over that time period. I know I moved away for a job and found a new life. I moved but still, my mind still went with me. I could not run away from that. I’d describe that time period much like a retreat. I had been looking into spiritual retreats and such, but never imagined I’d find what I had been looking for all on my own. With the distance and new life, I ventured into the depths of my pain. The healing begun and never stopped. I started yoga and got in touch with my body and mind. There is so much more to yoga and meditation than one would expect if you are open to experiencing it. And a lot cheaper than a therapist.

Anyway, after I spent some time in my new life, I soon found out even that was not exactly what it seemed. I realized that even if I moved away from the source of my pain, I would have to face it wherever I was. I realized my job I thought was perfect was an absolute nightmare and I was surrounded by truly insane people. Ironically, I found out what crazy really was. They too, took pain and fear out on others. But they built onto the foundations of hatred for years and years. I knew then I would never be like that. I endured until the end while discovering qualities in myself I never knew existed. Sure, we all may go through episodes of experiences so painful they drive you mad, but how far will you let it take you away from what’s important? Will you let it distort your whole life? Will you let it consume you until you lack the ability to cope with any life at all?

I did not. I was lucky enough to find solutions that worked. I wasn’t crazy and I laugh about it now. I think I pointed out some things those closest to me may have done wrong in the past. I believed at the time if I just confronted them, then things would resolve. But what I didn’t realize is I was making things worse by hurting them. Our relationships are stronger than ever now. I’ve learned we are human and that is what life will do. I am grateful everyday for the people I do have in my life. I don’t attempt to have a lot of friends or family but I do attempt to make the relationships I do currently have stronger, instead. A wise man once told me back in my college days that, I may not be important to the new people in my life but I am important to the ones already in my life. Hence, taking people for granted.

I’ve learned friends and family and the relationships we build and connections we form are all we really have in this life. I once read that even Buddha left his family to find his way, but I do not think that is my way. These people we love will not always be in our lives so we much take advantage of the time we have while we have it. Around the time I moved away from home, my dad also developed stage IV cancer. I felt so selfish but I believe it was something my dad had to go through on his own in a way. He has recovered and his cancer hasn’t returned. He learned a lot and I really got to know my dad in a whole new way. I saw him for what he really was and I am okay with that. I’ve learned to accept my parents for who they are. Although, I’ve learned how to set boundaries and the things that used to effect me no longer do. With love for myself and all the healing that took place, I was better able to love those around me.

Overall, I suggest everyone move away from home for a brief time in order to find their voice. In order to find themselves. It is not the distance that is important with what I am talking about. It is the the fact that you will be taken out of your natural/normal environment in which you grew up in. That is the point of this exercise. When humans are taken out of their environments neurosis may development also. Without any external distractions, we are better able to address any issues we have and deal with them. It is not something you are burdened with for your whole life. There is a solution to pain. There is a solution to all problems we face internally. The road was long and I know I have a ways to go, but to know how far I have come helps. I am still healing daily. New experiences emerge and I have to face them. Instead of taking them out on others, I only consult myself first. I ask if this is something from my past that is making me feel this way. Sometimes it is me and sometimes it is the person I am having a reaction to. Discernment is an ability I had to cultivate. I still get confused every once in a while, but I now have solutions.

I’ve learned that if I never would have taken the small steps to heal, I would have never had a breakthrough. Without all those small actions and my strength to really see this through, I would have never discovered the bigger picture; what’s important. I’ve learned I am important. I’ve learned the only thing that matters in life are friends and family and the times we share. I’ve learned I need people in my life. I can not do it alone. This doesn’t mean I take advantage of anyone, but I have realized the best times are the ones we share with others. I’ve learned I can be alone and be happy in my own company also. I have found my voice. I still struggle at times. But these days when a struggle presents itself I do not let it control me. I know it’ll be okay. I’ve learned to recognize when it emerges and work through it instead of repress it. I’ve learned that while I thought my world was collapsing, I was actually falling away to make room for something better. Overall, I’ve learned what’s important.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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