Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “art”

Never Leave Anyone in the Dark; a look into my next project – a fictional piece in the form of journal entries.

Never Leave Anyone in the Dark; a look into my next project – a fictional piece in the form of journal entries by an anonymous young writer. I just have to put it together and add the fantasy.

(She grew up in a small town in West Virginia where she used sports and school activities to remain occupied to ease to the boredom.  She was never cool but eventually she didn’t have to be because looks were everything in high school, although, that’s not the way she saw it.  In fact, she didn’t see things the way they were at all. Her home life reeked of abuse among other things that were unheard of to anyone she knew.  Her mom was an alcoholic and worked all the time.  Her step dad was a junkie and an abuser.  Her dad was a lifelong alcoholic who caused her heartache again and again while she continued to give him second chances.  Her journal entries inspire the fact that throughout all the turmoil she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression was inevitable for her but she kept it at a distance while she could.  Eventually though, it creeps up on her through a series of bad relationships, memories, actualizations, a stay in prison, drugs, alcohol, and sex,  all while trying to finding herself. Through her eyes you will experience first hand the chaos yet optimistic attitude soon take a downhill turn to severe depression and addiction that is encoded in her genes. Then she would learn genes have nothing to do with it at all. Never Leave Anyone in the Dark is a stunning look into a series of events that caused a 22 year old breakdown and the toll it took on her.  As she looks back through her journals and accesses that she’s become everything she has always hated.  Never Leave Anyone in the Dark is full of heart.)

 

Shuffling through her purse she began to get frustrated, as her cell phone kept ringing and ringing.  Well not exactly ringing, but making some kind of cheap computerized noise.  “I can never find anything in here!” she exclaimed, as her purse is the size of a pillow case.  It seems to be a bottomless pit every time she reached for her waste of space phone.  No one ever calls her. She could hear it, she just can’t see it! Finally! She thought as the caller Id read Dad’s cell.  Great, what now? She wondered as though they were on bad terms.  “Hello?”  She asked, almost hesitating to answer.  “Hi, is it you?, He questioned.  He knows it’s her, it’s her cell phone, she thought.  “Hey um, what are you doing?” He half-heartedly asked.  “Oh, nothing just got home from class,” she replied while emptying dog food into her dog’s bowl.  “Well, I’m going to the hospital.  I’m sick.  My blood pressure is really high; I just have to go,” as he tried to explain.  “What do you mean?” She snapped, as she pulled her hair behind her ears.  She knew exactly what it meant, it hasn’t been the first time and she knew it wouldn’t be the last time.  “I just have to go for a while.  Can you come over and help out with your grandma for a while, just until I get back?  It will probably be no longer than a week?”  She quickly replied with a slight roll of the eyes, “Sure, of course, hope you feel better.”

GOD! She hissed as we hung up the phone and ended the conversation.  All she could think about was that he isn’t going to the hospital due to his blood pressure.  She knew that was totally absurd. She knew he’d been drinking again.  She found the cases in his bedroom last time she was there to visit.  She found the empty beer cans and the full boxes of beer.  Those are the two shots to the heart when she knows it’s completely real again.  This time it wasn’t a drink at night, it was an endless consumption of alcohol daily.  See, her dad can’t just drink one or two; he has to be completely intoxicated to a point of obliteration.  He can’t live while drinking because it takes him out of the reality that he is already trying to avoid.

She just knew there was more to it than blood pressure, and he knew she knew too.  Her grandmother, who is the epitome of the term “grandma” had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and isn’t capable of the tasks she once could perform.  Her dad is her primary care giver, and with each passing day of his care, her image of her beloved grandmother fades.  She sincerely counts on my dad to look after grandma and make sure that she passes away in peace at her own home.  If she weren’t so caught up in my own life of work and school, which my grandparents practically instilled into her head, then she would move right in, and give her the love she deserves.  After all, that’s what she’s always given me, pure genuine care.  “He is so selfish; I wish I knew what to do,” She thought aloud.

“Alright girl, let’s go!  Are you ready to go bye-byes?”  Bella, her mutt that she saved from starvation, pranced around her like she had a juicy steak waiting in the car.  She is a mutt yes, but a very stunning mutt.  With white long hair that flows like a horse’s tail and a brown spot on her side.  She looks more or less like a full breed herself.  Her face radiates charm, as it looks like she has eyeliner tattooed on, and a smile that never weakens.  She grabbed a few things and tossed them into a suitcase and headed out the door.  As Bella dragged her up the stairs to the car, she realized she forgot a few things, like always.  Gosh, that never fails.  She always forgets her cell phone charger and a drink for the ride.

It’s about a thirty mile trip from her apartment to their house so she especially devour this time to blare my music as loud as she can while floating down the interstate. It starts from the second she pulls out of my parking space, until she arrive two houses down from her grandma’s.  It’s a time where she forgets about everything and just assesses the moment as it is, as she is, without thinking about where she is coming from or where she is going.  All worries and fears are put in the trunk of the car at this time.  Her mind is practically on cruise control.  Some people say they hate driving!  Not once will those words come out of her mouth.  It is the one time where she feels alive and am one with music.  If only there wasn’t a destination to be fulfilled, but that is unavoidable.

Pulling up to the old, but highly desirable building, recollections flood through her memory.  The color never changed, always maintaining that classy yellow and brown paint.  The driveway resembles an old basketball court, which once was surrounded by green pine trees like it was a private sector of the neighborhood.  The grass, which she used to mow, is now professionally cut, as if her father wasn’t capable.  Right across the yard, the old clubhouse sits, like an abandoned dollhouse.  In addition, the garage, which has an apartment above it, looks as it always has, like a miniature model of the house.  She knew before long, she would have to make an entrance, and reality will sink in heavily.

She knocks on the door and there is her grandma rushing to unlock the door in less time than she imagined, as if she was waiting on me.  In fact, that was something she always loved, she was always waiting for her to arrive in the kitchen, but these days you’ll find her planted in front of the television as if she enjoys it.  “Hi! How have you been?” She hugged her grandma gently.  “Are you hungry? Did you eat anything?”  She asked me concerned.  She used to always tell her no, but these days she takes advantage of her generosity.  College life is not exactly like the depth of grandma’s kitchen.  Then again she used to always have homemade dinner on the table no later than five-thirty every night.  Now it’s definitely a free-for-all situation.  At least there are plenty of options.  “I’ll grab something grandma, thanks,” heading towards the refrigerator.

After fixing up a salad and chicken tenders, they sat down at the kitchen table as they always have.  “So what all did dad tell you about this,” She questioned her grandma.  “I guess he said he’s blood pressure was too high, and I know he’s been drinking again,” she replied with honestly that shocked her, and a face that said it all.  Her dad’s side of the family is usually secretive about family issues, but she feels at her age she just gives up.  “Yeah, I think his blood pressure was fine, he was probably drinking all day and freaked out,” She stuffed a fork full of salad into my mouth.  “Who knows, but you know what we have to do later, get rid of all of it,” her grandma looked away.  She just nodded and finished devouring her dinner.

Later, after spending an evening catching up and watching sit-coms, we ventured upstairs to dad’s bedroom.  There we found around four twenty-four packs of the cheapest beer you can buy.  “Why does he need so much?” I really wanted to know.  “Alcoholics think they’ll never have enough, or that they are going to run out,” she reached down to get some cans.  “Grandma let me get that, I’ll get them,” as that was exactly what she needed to hear from her to understand and hope for her father’s recovery.

Pouring all of that alcohol down the bathroom drain really felt like it took half a day, but we were done in no time.  We did what we had to do, and soon after her grandma informed her that she had accomplished something.  She knew what she meant but she just smiled.  “Grandma, I’m going to go take a walk around the block and get some fresh air,” as she walked out the door.  How ironic she thought, she said fresh air, and she was sneaking up to the old apartment above the garage to smoke a cigarette.  She knows her grandma would be very offended if she knew she smoked, and that’s the last thing she would want to do is upset her in any way.  It’s something she’s been trying to quit from the very first day she started, but it’s what she needed like humans need oxygen at that moment.

As she maneuvered her way up to the stairs of the apartment, she noticed overgrown plants and trees she had to avoid.  It was like a hidden jungle into another world she missed due to lack of caring.  Nevertheless, she made her way inside and shut the door.  This cigarette sucks, she thought to herself as she sighed.  As she looked around the room she noticed her old blue trunk; along with old dusty furniture, dishes, and bookshelves.  The trunk was something that she kept everything with a spark of meaning in until she graduated from high school, which then she stored it here.  It reminded her of an old-fashioned beat up trunk they used when traveling in the early days. It was bound together by a lock that needed a key to prop open.  “The key! What in the world did I do with that?” She thought.  She realized that she had placed it in her purse a long time ago just in case. It is a trunk filled with a lot of private bits and pieces, so she’d like to think she’d keep the key close.  She almost lost hope until finally she dug the key out.  She tossed out my cigarette and sat down on the floor in front of the trunk Indian style.  As she turned the key in the lock, she didn’t realize what she was getting into.

She couldn’t believe what she was observing.  Old dance costumes, cards from relatives and friends, boyfriends’ paraphernalia, pictures, dried flowers, notes, sports and academic awards, and of course my journals.  They were all things that life has diminished with time.  She was instantly drawn to the journals; blue, red, and black composition notebooks were all laid out in front of her, and she longed to read them right then and now. A part of her knew they were what kept her sane growing up, as they were her breeding grounds for venting.  “Well this should keep me busy for a while at least, maybe get my mind off things for a while,” she seriously and naively thought.

 

(journal entries coming soon).

 

(copyright kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

written in 2009.

Song; You Can’t Do to Me What You Did to Them

lyrics

You can’t do to me
what you did to them
no you can’t do to me
what you did to them

not like I
didn’t try to help
I sat alone
you went
and weaved your web

I never wanted to feel so alone
not even they
can stop me now
the way it was…

have bad thoughts
now they’re God
and
I touched you with my hands
my hands
I thought I smashed you
with my God damned hands
my hands…

no you can’t do to me
what you did to them
no you can’t do to me
what you did to them

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

More Music

lyrics
Falling in and out
falling in and out
falling in and out with me

what can I say
I didn’t even mean that
when I say
I hate you
but man I still say it
i still say it

Falling in and out
falling in and out
falling in and out with you

Here we are
again and again
I’m gonna break these chains
I hope I see you again

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

Once Upon a time
in a world far away
there was a girl
who loved everything
she just didn’t know it yet

In another world
lived a boy
who would love her
if only she knew

slipping away
far away
to his world
is where I wanna be
lost forever
far away from here

I wanna fly with you
adventures galore
that’s what I’m looking for
to take the pain away
to never hate again.

Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned; You Just Know

I know I love you because I’ve been surpassing all the levels on the way to love and realizing it. I always look forward to the next level and am excited with how far we can go. That sir, is what I think love is and I love you. I just want to be your partner through these levels, together. I may not always be able to tell you why. All I know is how to trust myself. When I’m with you I am  myself and never feel ashamed about that. I never look down o you. In fact, I admire your way of being. It exists in me too and I think I know why. I want you just how you make me happy, exactly who you are and how you make me feel. I don’t care to worry about the future because I have the feeling it will be okay. I want you to continue with me through this experience as a human being.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). Sample love letter.

Men think it’s such an accomplishment or a test in wit to get a woman into bed “easily” as if they Jedi mind tricked her. But the real accomplishment is getting into her heart. And if that is still manipulation you’ve won nothing, not really.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Stupid

Maybe stupid has become synonymous with I don’t give a fuck what you’re definition of smart is. And everyone thinks they know what the definition is. If being stupid is being in the moment, not carrying any weight on your shoulders, and all around heart, then I do believe when they say the world is upside down. We have to care about ourselves enough to give it up already. Let’s do something different, something has to change. That’s why they call us stupid. I think I’m pretty lucky but they think we haven’t threaded just as long and hard as them? Or think we couldn’t have possibly made it back from the depths of hell. It’s awesome and nothing is ever stupid again.

(copyright kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Writer

I started writing more confidently when I realized suddenly one day that my writing did not have to be anything other than what I thought. I did not have to sit with pen and paper and come up with big words and deep complex stories. All I needed to do was simply write what I had already in me and ever since then i never thought my writing was pointless and I never wrote with the intentions of being good enough for other people to like it. I did not have to be anything other than me and that realization set me free. I realized I was already a writer I just hadn’t shared it with anyone yet. I was a writer the minute I knew how to write and learned the alphabet. All I had to do was write because I’m complex enough.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 210 Days Ago

Because every time I do it, I get this excruciating reminding of how alone I really am. Not lonely just alone and it stays with me for days. I can’t shake it but I can’t just stop either. It consumes me for days and it’s not exactly regret or I wouldn’t have done it but it’s the reminder of what it’s like to be so close to a person, connected like that. Something I took for granted when I did have it even if it was with the wrong people. You just don’t know how much you miss something until you taste it again. Or how much you long to connect and be so close to a person because it’s the only thing we really have. And I now have nothing. Maybe that is the feeling knowing it wasn’t really mine but just for that moment in time. Knowing nothing good can come from it or anything with substance and that is why I feel so empty. Because I keep doing it. When I want something more, quite the opposite.

Why do I let it consume me for days after? Why does it matter so much? Because I feel like I betrayed myself to the mundane actions we humans succumb to. I want more, but sometimes it feels that is all I’ll ever have. I just want one, only one.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). on being the other woman.

I’ve Learned; Family

You can’t own God’s creations

you can’t steal his children

we are free

you are not.

you create your own chains

there is so much to enjoy

and nothing to fear ever again.

To get through the change

is all you need to do

be strong enough to change

brave enough to keep going

wise enough to know you aren’t in control

A Human Intervention

Kept holding the truth

it’s inevitable; we matter

Those who thought they could control this and only save their own have lost their soul throughout it all but there is salvation. They lost sight of the truth on their quest to contain the truth. and yet they want another chance? They never should have done it but if they hadn’t we wouldn’t all be learning this great lesson. We are all family. metaphorically speaking. i don’t believe in family anymore, because everyone just wants to save their own and my family didn’t save me or help me. not here anyway.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Mother Nature

She talks to animals

because she can tell they are listening

they have no home.

She talks to animals

the only ones who make sense

in tune with mother nature

I know I am a child

as she pointed to me

she said I was special

But she was telling my father

which he didn’t listen

so He walked away

through winds and rains

blind and lost

without his special daughter

keeping us all a part becomes the plan

But they weren’t prepared for her and her nature

Mother nature sees their own

and we exist

and thank you for looking over me

when times got tough

I know you exist and am always here

nowhere else to go

but to stay here with me

Talking to animals

because they understand

and listen, and they have

no where else to go.

Quit feeding your sick desires through killing any animal that is larger or smarter than you especially those animals that are more beautiful than you. All animals share this earth, and have their own lives if we don’t interfere. They should live natural lives.

It’s hunting season but yet no one picks up that deer on the side of the road to eat – even though it’s already dead and the job is done for them. No, they rather get a sick pleasure from killing.

Anything bigger than humans you try to destroy. But by destroying them we destroy ourselves because they are the caretakers of the earth and we are all connected and needed. Extinct? Why? We breed for disgusting purposes and these animals are tormented by it. We don’t do anything to fix it because men fear anything bigger, better, more beautiful, or things in which they don’t understand – NATURE is a huge one they don’t understand, but I do. Animals and children deserve better.

ALL ANIMALS HAVE A JOB AND THAT IS TO TAKE CARE OF THE EARTH! <333

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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