Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “answers”

I’ve Learned; Unpredictablity

Life’s unpredictability has taught us not to trust

But then since life is unpredictable

we develop habits…..

humans are unpredictable too

which causes everyone not to trust

due to unpredictability of the future,

even if the person hasn’t done anything

the looming feeling is still there

because that is what still happened

(copyright Kerrious44 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Goodbye to the Past

written in 2010


You’ve asked for my forgiveness a million times before
Although you weren’t deserving
I thought that you loved me, I thought that you cared
But really it was an illusion.
I smack myself daily as a reminder of the truth
I turned my head in an opposite direction
And let the rest come down to strength

Now the time has come for mending
There’s no drinking down the pain
Or swallowing my soul
I’m going to do it sober
I need the clarity

In the past I have loved you until my belly ached
This time I observed closely and saw what i had feared
All judgment was absent and my mind brand new
In the end I was reminded why they say
Don’t live in the past
And that was all done by you
Thank you

Such a waste of flesh
Mind body and soul
Such a waste of light
You could have been so bright

Okay….

How do I get my head around this
With so much contempt and absence left
How do I mend with such a heavy heart
I never could play the part
Remember when I made you smile
Remember how I made you laugh
In your deepest sorrows
My voice echoed through your veins
And with every misfortune
I gave you my hand
I said the world is cruel and unkind
but what if I was meant to make it shine ?
if not for me than for you
because I don’t believe in anything
if that isn’t true
you said when I was gone
you dreamt of me every night
you’d wake up and think I was by your side
but upon that awakening you were struck with disappointment
to know that I had gone a long time ago
you said you felt me in your arms and that it felt so real
and I just smiled at you and let the silence fill the air/do the talking
maybe all I can be to you is a dream as lucid as it seemed
dreams are what drive the human mind/we long for
so if I were yours you’d have nothing left to dream
as reflection crept near as it has done so many times before
I can’t honestly say
? must it be so late on this clock dangling on the wall ?
I never dreamt of you at all…

and that was a lie because

I did dream of someone.


I cried and said I never kissed anyone the way I kiss him
The tissue kept dry and my tears I wouldn’t hide
My brain began over riding my feelings months ago
Like a ticking bomb
Red or Blue, I could not choose
Life or death hung in the balance
But it was different because it was only my life
And that life I could spare.


Key to my heart

Along the thick grass and wild flowers
Along the trail of our desire
We lured each other at a steady but distant pace
You told me to watch out for a dip in the earth
And I let you protect my balance
As if I didn’t know how
We ventured along the sea of open meadows
As we see the silhouettes of our bodies from the night before
Pressing down the tall grass temporarily
I was dizzy but focused on the stars
The moon was perched next to us lighting up our little lives
I told you I could touch it but it would hide
You told me that you had me and I didn’t believe you
But today our view was of a town quiet
Landscapes of a past present and future
we entered an old house and found treasures of a lost soul
abandoned and desolate, scattered and torn
you asked me if you had my heart and I said I didn’t know
I locked up the key and threw it out a long time ago
I said if you found a key then you can have my heart
You took my words as truth and among the sea of abandonment
You found a key I had not seen
A place I thought I gazed with my wandering eyes
Complacent we stood, a little surprised
I never imagined the look in our eyes
And we were certain it meant something real
A concrete object in the palm of my hands
Something I could grasp
To justify the what ifs and goodbyes
We walked out over the boards with protruding nails
Into the meadow we retraced our steps
Halfway back we had no reason to doubt
and gave into a kiss that would validate our capture


we never asked ourselves if the key fit
and it didn’t fit
and it didn’t fit
truth is there’s a billion keys out there
we were naïve to think it was the key to my heart
but that moment in time kept me alive and hopeful, keeping me in touch with life to keep finding what I was looking for, whatever that may be.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Share

“Empty Lines” written in 2009 – the cure for writer’s block? writer’s frustration – found this cute. before I was open to sharing.


All I see are lines
And spaces in between
Yearning for my thoughts
I suppose you want words?
Let me think here, leave me be
Quit looking at me
You want my inner wisdom
You want all this bottled up hope
Relentless you seem
Vaguely calling my name
What do you want from me?
My thoughts are floating near an ocean right now
Never to be retrieved
Perhaps received, in times of need
Fine, you’ve tried your damn-est
I told you you’d never have it
Have I ever lied to you before?

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Not Just a Girl

“Outcomes” written in 2008 – a little self help.


Since when were you the girl
That let a guy define you
When were you the girl?
That gave up on redefining
When were you the girl?
That let words conquer her soul
When were you the girl?
That felt there could be more
When were you the girl?
Not open to discussion
When were you the girl?
That hid behind this wall
When were you the girl?
That gave up on things once believed
When were you the girl?
That never gave her all.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 151 Days Ago

Anxiety stems from not feeling welcomed in a place like you’re never in a safe place. Why would I feel that way? Paranoia? Fear of being myself? Like it’s never safe and it made me kind of sad because I wanted to feel safe. Everyone couldn’t possibly be out to get me. Is this a program because I have no reason not to feel safe. None at all. I am safe though. Do I feel like I constantly have to be looking out for myself and on guard; as a woman, especially? If so is this trauma based or paranoia and why?

Because maybe I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing, not really. Wasting energy on dumb stuff. Distracted. Distracted by the likes of those who say misery loves company, but I am not miserable. So why would that cause anxiety? Because I feel that what I am doing is wrong but I know that it’ll be okay, because why is it wrong? Is there a right or wrong? Or just a ton of misunderstandings? I had insane crutches but they were fun. I wouldn’t harm anyone but now that I found love in myself why would I want to harm it? Now that I am getting somewhere, I could never harm myself.

Well the self sabotage has subsided and I care a whole lot more, among other things. I am human that went through a hard time with a traumatic past but dealing with it all quite well. I think they were isolated incidents and not really a habit or should I say a need. No way. I’ve glimpsed the beauty and love in life and now I know some truth behind it. Why would I sabotage that? I am dealing with a lot and still accomplishing goals and work on and off the field.

I’m too hard on myself but then again I’m just looking out for myself and that should be all I need to feel safe in any place. I should never feel unsafe so now I know anxiety is nothing but misplaced and past trauma coming up in the present whether it comes from me or not. It shouldn’t have control over me and the need to let go of control is crucial. Anxiety should never have the ability to affect me in such a manner that it changes who I am, or else I should take a good look at my current company and that would need to change or realize at an individual level we all have a past we came from whether it was traumatic or not.

If I can just get rid of that part of me I adopted completely, imagine the things I am capable of? It’s worth it. Patience is key because there is no reason not to feel safe in the presence of those I choose to hang out with and if it turns out I loose some friends so be it because this is too important. No one should suffer from anxiety and depression and I will get to the bottom of mine. I don’t have to live that way if that is what I choose to do. I have the final say. It’s been quite the ride but I won’t need you anymore, creators of anxiety fear, and depression. I don’t need the constant fear and the point is it’s over. Overall, anxiety and depression stems from not feeling safe in an environment.

Thanks for everything anxiety and depression and those who projected onto me. All the emotional manipulators and vampires. It’s time to move on, which leads to worrying and how it does stem from caring too much but trust me there is nothing to worry about, ever. Hand all your worries over. They are not yours to carry. I am free and have a peace of mind without you. We can be like Jesus but ultimately God has the final say. Suffering that is not necessary is longer an option. Give it up also. Know it is not how you are meant to live. We just haven’t figured it out yet. I’m that person that won’t stop until I do, and I think God knows that.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

Outspoken about anxiety and depression.

I’ve Learned; 48 Days Ago

I claim to want a universal truth but the beauty lies in each individual, as we all have a truth to live by. That’s what sets us apart but yet we will always have to question our one truth so what’s different about universal truth?

It’ll always be a question you seek to answer to only discover pieces at a time. I’d like to think we each go around until we find our own universal truth, not some collective, one way truth where everyone has to have the same truth but in a way that tells you who you really are and then why, together that becomes our universal truth.

Truth is a journey and the destinations keeps changing because the truth keeps changing and you are always changing.

That’s my truth, my individual truth runs from my universal truth as I thought I needed to change to find it but it’s been with me all along. As we individually find ourselves, primordial change will follow which will lead us to our universal truth. And We, humans, hold all the secrets to the universe.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

And the sky opened up
to only reveal its vast array
of possibilities
some known
some coming their way
it opened up
when I realized
to hand all my worries
over to the universe
it’s like the clouds
how they appear
to be a separate world
how I wish
I could see
beyond those clouds
and into that world
it’s like a window
that let the light in
how I love
how they look
like their own world
and when the sun
is behind
and I can’t help
but wonder
what it’s doing
and how it belongs
to that world for a while
but I still want
to wonder
if it looks the same
behind the clouds?
that is where
my worries go
when the pain
accumulates
left with no other choice
but death
death of my soul
my burdens were lifted
into another world
that I can’t quite see
but I know that it’s there
it’s rare
but it is there
the selfless path
that led me here
giving is receiving
but when you are full
you must give it away
all away
to only start again
but each time
is better
than the last
when you find
yourself amongst the selfish
or things unknown
out of your control
nothing external can help
no person or place
can return to you
what has been given
you just have to remember
remember who you are
remember who is
really there
to collect your burdens.

pretty dark. but just because that’s the way it was understood before doesn’t mean that’s the way it is now. and doesn’t mean that’s what I did, personally. kind of evil plans revealed.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

I’ve Learned It’s Okay to Lose Yourself

I’VE LEARNED IT’S OKAY TO LOSE YOURSELF

Recently, and throughout my journey, I have questioned what it means to be lost? Was I lost? It was something I never asked myself until I found out I was. This was all reflected back to me through another person. In which, I could not deny it. I have wondered if it is really a bad thing, as much as it sounds, or if it could possibly be a good thing also. I learned that we can get lost very easily. I’ve learned it is so subtle that you may not realize it until you have some hard-to-define experience in which you know was weird, but you just quite can’t put your finger on it. It may feel as though time stopped or slowed down so much, and even experience deja vu. You may constantly see or hear the same messages but not understand why or how to decipher the meanings. Especially through dreams, not only your dreams, but other’s as well. It’s easy to take these subtle experiences and make them out to be bigger than what they actually are also. It’s important to not take these things and make them out to be something special, hence take them out of context. It’s easy to not recognize what they are really trying to show you at the time. Because most of the time you aren’t even aware of the problem or question it is trying to answer in the first place.  Because when you are lost, you most likely won’t even know you are lost.

Not everyone will have their lives unfold so naturally. Some people go from point A to point B with no trouble at all. But others will need extra experiences and circumstances to unfold in order to accomplish their paths. Some people play by the rules and others have to learn for themselves. To always question things especially if what they are being told doesn’t seem right. And sometimes what they were told from the beginning was right in the end, and other times, they prove themselves right in the end. There is never really a 100 percent accuracy rate in life. I admit to being curious and curiosity plays a huge role as a characteristic that these people exhibit. But what if the curiosity was brought upon by an external event that made them question things? Instead of being innately curious. Maybe it was one external event that triggered all the curiosity they could muster out of themselves? It could also possibly be an internal event but one as to where it was unmistakably something to pay attention to.

So, it’s those little things that can happen internally or externally that let you know where you are on your path in life. It’s how you interpret them that makes the difference. Sometimes, they will tell us we are lost and other times they will tell us we are on the right path. If you are one that has discovered you are on or have already taken the long road, it may seem as if you are not doing anything right, but that is why these subtle hints are so important. You will develop a system and learn to trust that system once you are able to distinguish if the subtle hints you are getting are really what they are. This all leads to noticing if you are lost or not. This may seem like something that would be pretty obvious and you would think you would know if you are lost but sometimes we are so involved in our lives at the time that we think we are doing what is best when really we are missing the big picture. This is where those subtle hints become important and developing a way to manage them is also important. It takes work as an individual and not everyone will have the same way.

I’ve learned that I would continuously lose myself in other people or places. Some call this sensitivity or empathy, but what I found is that it was an escape or distraction. This finding came about through another person who reflected back to me all my problems I was not seeing. Have you ever met someone and when you were around them, it seemed like your brain triggered off every memory you’d ever thought you’d forgotten. Or you wondered why you would be thinking something that happened so long ago around this person? You begin to notice that the memories do not dissipate. They go almost on auto pilot? You are around people everyday, all day but yet for some reason this only happens around this particular person? It is because they are reflecting what you need to heal in yourself. These people have the same emotional traumas as you and are only reflecting them back to you. This would be a blessing and good luck on your part but most people would run from it instead of embrace it. What they find is not something they want to face, so they chalk it off to being nothing more than a bad memory. If you can see why this person makes you feel this way,  you will see that this person can also teach you something and they may not even be aware of it. But they will be in the future, because you are doing the same thing for them, they just may not realize it right away. It’s important to allow space and time for each person going through this to go through it on their own terms and own way.

This is where losing yourself can be harmful and detrimental to growth. If you lose yourself in this person while either one of you or both of you are going through these past traumas again in order to heal, then  you will not have the chance to heal.  You will become so focused on the other person and what it all means, that you are missing the purpose of this exchange in the first place. The exchange is for you. This person doesn’t need your help, you need to help yourself. But if you keep focusing on them and losing yourself, you will be distracting yourself. That is why, in most cases, these people do not stay in your life for long periods of time.  When you learn to not lose yourself, you can learn to let go when the time comes and it will not be so painful. Then I began to question how do I not lose myself? How is this done? And if I do, how do I remember that I did? How do I create the balance?

Once you learn how to not lose yourself, you can learn to lose yourself in a healthy way. After wondering if losing yourself was a bad thing, and being hard on myself for doing so, so many times, I had this assumption it must just be a bad thing overall. But then I learned that it is okay to lose yourself. But in order to do so you must first learn to be able to pull yourself back out immediately. Losing yourself in another can be a very real experience and that is why I think I had always been so hard on myself when it came to this topic. I just didn’t know how to pull myself back out. I didn’t know it was possible to have a good balance. I would just go so long, being one with someone and before I knew it, I wasn’t the same person anymore, because I had lost myself a long time ago, through them and in them. I would blame them when really I should have been taking the responsibility for my own actions and realizing that things didn’t have to end the way they did or I did not have to always let go in order to find myself again. I’ve learned it’s okay to lose yourself, as long as you don’t get lost. As long as you are aware of what you are doing and can immediately snap out of it if need be. Sometimes, I think it is best to have everyone involved on the same page. But as long as you can easily take that back alley back onto the main road.

I think a big part of the gaping hole we feel that is missing at times after leaving the presence of people we love, or places that we love, come from the action of us losing ourselves in those people and places. It isn’t a mystery to know that when we feel that way, there is something we are not facing in ourselves. We need to pin point what the problem is and then work on it. The answers most likely lie in the memories that resurfaced and emotions we felt at that time. There are numerous ways to know what it is trying to tell us when we feel this way. We need to learn it’s okay to lose ourselves but to instantly recognize that it can be a problem and somehow develop methods on how to snap back to reality and into our bodies again. We all need to express ourselves and connect with people who reflect back to us what we need the most. These people are the main subtle hints we get in life. Recognize them, learn from them, and know that they may be short lived connections. And they will continue to surface in life until you have healed.

When you are lost, you will feel like all is well, but if you stop to think about it, you couldn’t answer what it is that you even like to do. It’s always what someone else wants to do. We may come across a situation that I just discussed in life and instead of facing it head on, we tend to focus on others even more and this can become the beginning of losing yourself. Soon, you’ll be so focused on everyone else and thinking you are helping, and before you know it, you won’t even know what it is that interests you anymore.

I’ve learned losing yourself in experiences, whether it be people or places, can be a beautiful and profound experience and something everyone should do. But if you are not equipped to do so, you may not know that you lost yourself and therefore, finding yourself will be harder. The longer you let it go, the longer it will take to find yourself again. Overall, I’ve learned that it is okay to lose yourself. That you should not feel guilty for doing so. This guilt stems from thinking you invested emotion and time on a person while losing everything you were about in the first place. Or you invest in the happiness you felt at a particular place and forget that is was temporary. You will go through stages where you blame that person instead of looking at yourself. You will feel like you wish you could be at that place forever. You will think they took something of yours or you left something behind. You will not understand until you have searched for yourself again. And the sooner, the better.

And sometimes, just sometimes, while getting lost, you may also find yourself.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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