Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “anger”

I’ve Learned; You Do it All

wrote this when I was 9.


“You Do it All”

It’s easy to know what you’re thinking
It’s hard to tell what you say
But inside it’s burning like hell
The one thing that no one knows
You seem to misunderstand every little word
Just remember what it really meant

It’s easy to see what you’ve been doing
It’s hard to tell what I’ve been thinking
It’s not the same
It’s all wrong
And I’m trying to understand

You go on your way
Not asking about me
It’s okay, we can go away
It’s not everyday you let your feelings out
It’s every once in a while that you can

You don’t listen
You don’t care
I am listening
I care

It’s burning inside
The anger I have
Not once did I say
Go away
You put words in my mouth
They are crazy
You…..
You do it all.

(copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Redemption

This was written in 2008; beginning of wanting to break the abuse cycle….This is about not accepting abuse and despite the somber tone or I’m sure others could take it down the hateful path, but it is meant to kick start a revolution of my soul and breaking free from patterns of abuse with no excuses from the abuser. And how without the perpetrating we may never have learned to grow. Which I had plenty of growing to do….


Redemption is over
I knew this day would come
But victory’s been so sweet
I’d hate to see it go
Never exactly caring
But the taste still remains
Though you aren’t exactly human
It never seemed that way
You’re disappearing slowly
Not slow enough
First it takes your internal organs
Then comes the pigment
The glow in your eye
Do you feel them gone?
All necessities to living
Hope it’s the same effect
You bestowed on us all
Maybe this is redemption
After all, you are dieing
Dieing from your own doings
Your own hatred and self-pity
Hope you can comprehend
But I doubt you have changed
Still even if it’s your last seconds
I hope an epiphany arrives.

I know there’s a chance
In a corner of my mind
For all the love I have
There’s plenty for you
Though I can’t stop hating you

I know there’s a chance
In a vein in my heart
To give you a chance
To make you a part
I’d rather pretend you don’t exist

I know there’s a chance
In the depths of my soul
For all the times we’ve shared
Taking me to the park
The trips always ended dark
I’d rather remember the thrill of swinging

Maybe there’s a chance
In my center of common sense
Though I never let it distress me
It tortured you to see
Frightened but laughing due to my tough persona

I doubt there’s a chance
In my realistic nature
I only pretended to accept
All the apologies and broken glass
Nights of hoping it would all vanish

Now I am sure
There’s not a chance
In the soil of my garden
Where these seeds have grown
At least you gave me one thing
The ability to grow

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Inner Children

like a child
I always was
I fought a two year old
which made me sick
I met a five year old
and it made me angry,
disillusioned
I saw an eight year old
remembered I was smarter
said goodbye to a thirteen year old
made me happy
feeling sixteen again
opened my eyes
to the past
I had summoned
no longer sixteen
I turned nineteen
and it made me shy
twenty-one
no longer alone
twenty-two
wondering why
not one adult helped
twenty-three
help yourself
twenty-four
done keeping score
then I was twenty-seven
and a woman who knew
none of those ages
were really her
not really
they returned
to let me know
what I was feeling
wasn’t me at all
but a projection
of others
those inner children
and to this day
they all provoke
a strength; my true age
that can’t be hidden
because no matter the age
my inner children prevail
to grow
strange how you forget
or never know
with time I grow stronger
never weaker
I am a woman
who disciplines
her inner children
because
she loves them
and herself enough
to save the children.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)

kids-save-the-world

I’ve Learned to Laugh at Myself

One thing I have realized is that we all have an inner critic. The narrator who feels you are not good enough and will constantly find ways to downplay your capabilities. This is why most people fail or give up. They listen to their inner critic whether realizing it or not. It’s that voice that says I can’t and I should have. It’s the part of you that may never leave but you can learn to deal with better. I’ve learned this voice will make you act out in negative ways.

For instance, when I began my yoga practice some time ago, I could not for the life of me touch my toes during flexibility training. I thought I’d never get it and when my hamstring began to burn I would get angry with my self. I would walk out at the end of class and go let off some steam on the treadmill. I’d punish myself with a vigorous attempt at tiring myself to the point of exhaustion while my inner critic just talked and talked and talked. Plus it made me feel better and capable of something. In a way, I knew that was where I was at the time with my yoga and to have patience with myself, but my inner critic said I was terrible and should give up. I never walked out of a yoga class the same person and the journey has ranged from laughing to crying.

I’ve learned that when I think I fail at something I get angry with myself. I’ve learned that I didn’t like the way I would react but continued to do so for the whole treadmill session until I felt better about it. Eventually, I could talk some sense into myself and and just came back to yoga class the next time and would do better. My reaction that day shocked me and maybe it was a bad day but, nevertheless, it was out of character I thought. It wasn’t, I was just realized for the first time. This is probably why I always tried so hard in the past not to fail. I did not want to have to punish myself for not doing better.

I’ve learned through yoga to be patient with myself and others. I’ve learned to just go with the flow and trust my body. I’ve learned that if you really want something you can make it happen with hard work and dedication. I realized I am passionate about yoga and truly feel at home when I am in a class. I didn’t always feel that way obviously, but I’ve realized that while in class we are all in this together but not everyone will be the same each session. Some days you will master balance while failing at flexibility. Other days you will fail to listen and succeed at meditating.

The most important thing I learned is to laugh at myself. Many sessions later, while doing a flexibility routine, my inner critic was buzzing around and I responded differently. i actually just started laughing at myself. I laughed at my inner critic. Who was it to tell me what I am capable of?! I had had enough, and like with all lessons, you know you have learned because you apply your new knowledge automatically. Automatically, I recognized my inner critic, then I shut it up. I completely embarrassed it for even attempting to insult my progress. And that’s just it, I was getting better. Now I can touch my toes and much more. 🙂

But I learned at that time to observe my thoughts. Were they even mine? I’ve learned to just let each thought pass freely whether it be negative and positive and you have the choice in how to react to it. I will never forget that lesson and how I changed something so small in myself yet so detrimental. How many times a day do we do this to ourselves? We know we are capable but because we have been conditioned to have insecurities we must learn how to make them our friend and not our enemy.

I’ve learned at that period in time that I got angry when I could not succeed and then punished myself by running off some steam while my inner critic went off the charts. Now I would laugh at myself and realize that today just isn’t my day and tomorrow I will get it. We all have off days. Days where nothing seems to go our way and we even feel like we’re walking around in a fog most the time. It seems everything we have ever learned went out the window. And sometimes we have good days where everything seems to fall into place just right and our inner critic is nowhere to be found. Everything just seems to go smoothly like you are in your body completely and everything you have ever learned is put to use. I’ve also learned that we learn something knew everyday and if one day you don’t have the answer then someone around you (co-workers, friends, family) will have the answer.

I’ve learned it is okay not to be the same everyday and to have good days and bad day. You can’t have a good day everyday and you can’t beat yourself up over a bad day, ever. It’s so easy to do because in the back of our minds we know better but I’ve learned everything is as it should be and you can just go back the next time and do it better.

I’ve learned people can and will use that inner critic against you, but that is a story for another time.

Overall, I’ve learned if you aren’t where you thought you should be with a particular activity whether it’s yoga, work, or even life, to not punish yourself or be too hard on yourself. I’ve learned to let the thoughts come but to let them go as easily as they came. Acknowledge your thoughts because they need validated. Be able to distinguish what is really you and want is not you in the present moment in life. It may just need to be observed or it may point out a specific problem you need to work on. I’ve learned to have patience with myself throughout it all. But most of all, I’ve learned to laugh at myself.

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(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

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