Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the tag “adventure”

I’ve Learned; Goodbye to the Past

written in 2010


You’ve asked for my forgiveness a million times before
Although you weren’t deserving
I thought that you loved me, I thought that you cared
But really it was an illusion.
I smack myself daily as a reminder of the truth
I turned my head in an opposite direction
And let the rest come down to strength

Now the time has come for mending
There’s no drinking down the pain
Or swallowing my soul
I’m going to do it sober
I need the clarity

In the past I have loved you until my belly ached
This time I observed closely and saw what i had feared
All judgment was absent and my mind brand new
In the end I was reminded why they say
Don’t live in the past
And that was all done by you
Thank you

Such a waste of flesh
Mind body and soul
Such a waste of light
You could have been so bright

Okay….

How do I get my head around this
With so much contempt and absence left
How do I mend with such a heavy heart
I never could play the part
Remember when I made you smile
Remember how I made you laugh
In your deepest sorrows
My voice echoed through your veins
And with every misfortune
I gave you my hand
I said the world is cruel and unkind
but what if I was meant to make it shine ?
if not for me than for you
because I don’t believe in anything
if that isn’t true
you said when I was gone
you dreamt of me every night
you’d wake up and think I was by your side
but upon that awakening you were struck with disappointment
to know that I had gone a long time ago
you said you felt me in your arms and that it felt so real
and I just smiled at you and let the silence fill the air/do the talking
maybe all I can be to you is a dream as lucid as it seemed
dreams are what drive the human mind/we long for
so if I were yours you’d have nothing left to dream
as reflection crept near as it has done so many times before
I can’t honestly say
? must it be so late on this clock dangling on the wall ?
I never dreamt of you at all…

and that was a lie because

I did dream of someone.


I cried and said I never kissed anyone the way I kiss him
The tissue kept dry and my tears I wouldn’t hide
My brain began over riding my feelings months ago
Like a ticking bomb
Red or Blue, I could not choose
Life or death hung in the balance
But it was different because it was only my life
And that life I could spare.


Key to my heart

Along the thick grass and wild flowers
Along the trail of our desire
We lured each other at a steady but distant pace
You told me to watch out for a dip in the earth
And I let you protect my balance
As if I didn’t know how
We ventured along the sea of open meadows
As we see the silhouettes of our bodies from the night before
Pressing down the tall grass temporarily
I was dizzy but focused on the stars
The moon was perched next to us lighting up our little lives
I told you I could touch it but it would hide
You told me that you had me and I didn’t believe you
But today our view was of a town quiet
Landscapes of a past present and future
we entered an old house and found treasures of a lost soul
abandoned and desolate, scattered and torn
you asked me if you had my heart and I said I didn’t know
I locked up the key and threw it out a long time ago
I said if you found a key then you can have my heart
You took my words as truth and among the sea of abandonment
You found a key I had not seen
A place I thought I gazed with my wandering eyes
Complacent we stood, a little surprised
I never imagined the look in our eyes
And we were certain it meant something real
A concrete object in the palm of my hands
Something I could grasp
To justify the what ifs and goodbyes
We walked out over the boards with protruding nails
Into the meadow we retraced our steps
Halfway back we had no reason to doubt
and gave into a kiss that would validate our capture


we never asked ourselves if the key fit
and it didn’t fit
and it didn’t fit
truth is there’s a billion keys out there
we were naïve to think it was the key to my heart
but that moment in time kept me alive and hopeful, keeping me in touch with life to keep finding what I was looking for, whatever that may be.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

And sometimes, people come into your life to serve as a compass. They are the ones that point your soul in the direction it wishes to go, at its core. But also, plays along with your moral compass, which takes you in directions you didn’t plan. As the adventure ends and the compass is no longer of use you are left to your own direction. What you find at the end is the direction of your soul. They are the ones encouraging you while pointing the way asking nothing in return. But for you to be happy and become your own compass because they know they won’t always be there when you are out to play….when you need to find your way towards love.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

Save Yourself, Save the World

When you first find out, you are angry. Not just with all those who have hurt you but also with the all lies it unravels. From the microcosm to the macrocosm you are are angry with it all. Then you feel you must do something. That it is your place in the world to do something, drastic, right now. Warn everyone! Agree with conspiracies because you can’t cope. It hits you hard, like a movie that just became real. You get all this intense energy flowing through you and don’t know where to place it all. After all those years of sensing something was amiss, you finally were proven right. But at first you feel you are the only one. So you try to spread the word to as many people as possible. You search for others. You notice things you never noticed before. You get confused on what is important and what isn’t because you fall and become full of pride but that doesn’t last long. Because there was always reminders to lead you back. Then you realize that this might affect your survival and perhaps there is another way. You realize it’s best to keep it to yourself. You may isolate and learn more that way. People will think you are crazy and therefore be cut off from the very things you need to survive – human contact, social structure, community, and money. So you then begin to see that you need to play it cool. You need to know but act like you don’t know. That is how you make a difference at first. You become an actor. But soon enough you won’t even care because you will have understanding. You will understand everything with such clarity that lets you coast into the next stage which is integration. Integration of who you really are and who they say you are. You become who you are meant to be. Just a little bit more each time. You start to use your own words, your own ideas. You will then begin to live it. Just be it. That is what it feels like. It feels like an urgency at first but then slowly you begin to realize it was something you knew all along. You always knew it but stayed in your comfortable illusion while knowing it would never get you anywhere. Mostly to survive in your environment. Then you realize that you did survive your environment and if you could do that then you can do anything. You notice that it is rare to not be effected by your environment, to hold onto hope. To not become like them. To know that something else is out there. Something better for you. Something waiting on you. Something inside you. You always saw the pointlessness in your world before but yet the structure had a strong grip. Then you begin to break free from that grip. You become familiar with the fetal position. But you muster all that you can and you don’t stop until you have the facts. Even then, you never stop searching. You never stop questioning. But you survive. You create a balance. But you can handle it. You falter occasionally but never give up. Because you begin to realize that the problem exists in you first. Our world is because of the human condition. You begin to see it in everything. All around you. You get thrown into situations that highlight this on magnitude levels. The way people are because of what they are feeling on the inside and how it is a direct reflection of the outside. You gaze a little more up at the night sky. Then you begin to notice that you too, are human. After thinking that you didn’t belong here or you must not be human, you really see that you are. Just having a different experience and outcome. You realize that in order to change our outer world, we must change who we are at the core first. Only then are we able to make a difference. You realize you aren’t really angry and that nothing needs to be done right now like shouting from the rooftops to get everyone’s attention, to wake them up. You think you are angry because you feel betrayed. But then you realize you were only betraying yourself and you can’t live with being angry at yourself. So you learn forgiveness and you learn to forgive yourself. You do this through emotional alchemy because you realize it causes harm to us all otherwise. You bring up all the darkness buried inside of you and embrace it because you can no longer deny or repress it. You accept it as a part of you but you do not let it control you. Anger transmutes into gratitude and that becomes key. You learn more about your dreams and happiness and make it happen. You come to the most profound conclusion and experience that you are worthy and you didn’t even know that you thought you weren’t. This strikes up great passion that laid dormant for a long time. Which leads you to find out just who it is that you really are. Which leads to unconditional love for who you really are. Which becomes unconditional love for others. You take responsibility for the past and continue to do so into the future. It is up to you. You realize that people will not listen to you anyway, no matter how much you care. You notice everyone comes through at their own time and only if and when they want to. You accept everyone for where they are at. Especially yourself. You find out we are all connected in this way. Then…….

You realize if you heal yourself, you heal the world. Then the real adventure begins. And it never really ends. All you need to do is remember because it will be so easy to forget. You do, indeed exist for this reason.

 

(Copyright 2014 Kerrious with All Rights Reserved)

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