Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “unspoken words”

I’ve Learned; Peaceful Death

I was looking for you

took a wrong turn

into another world

where everything was the same

but I was different.

I changed my mind

and saw the truth

behind our love

and the way it was.

I tried to find you

but the roads and signs

kept changing

into other things

like different places

as if I was there

but my surroundings were changing

which made it impossible

to find you.

I regret that day

and the way I made you feel

I really don’t remember

I was in another dimension

I think I wanted to stay

but you brought me back

back to reality.

Nothing is more valuable than that.

So we were apart

because I became lost

lost in the road signs

that told me to refuse

the ambulance ride

that appeared out of thin air.

They said I was walking along the road

mumbling something about the promised land

except I really wasn’t

time accelerated so fast

they were there in a glance

it wasn’t how you remembered.

You said you were there to help me

and I fell for it too

I do not break

just because you would.

I do not give up

just because you would.

Just because life got hard

doesn’t mean I care

because I am strong and fierce

I am scared of nothing

so next time you decide to track me down

know for certain you are wrong

about me.

Just because you couldn’t watch someone die

doesn’t mean I can’t.

Because I understand death

and would like to be there as you passed on

because there is nothing to fear

I know what’s on the other side

I have been there a dozen times

I hold that knowledge inside me

but since you didn’t understand it

you tried to take it away.

You tried to take away my love for another

just because you didn’t understand it.

People fear what they don’t understand

but I can tell you

he wasn’t alone as he died

he never had to be

because my love for him

was more powerful than all the hurt

the pain he felt

subsided.

I never seen anything so peaceful

as the moment you passed.

Everything became so real

and you I could feel

Jesus Christ in your heart

and God in your mind.

You said I woke up in the middle of the night

and came down to pray with you

like a shadow person

replaying the scene over and over.

The love between a child and parent

is the greatest love of all

in this world

if you can find it

you will have everything you need

to understand

and never fear again.

You can beat death

it’s the last thing we do

and God wanted me to be with you.

Because he knew I loved you

despite everything you put me through.

I did not think of any of that

because in the end

it doesn’t matter.

Almost on autopilot

forgiveness set in

there’s no way I could feel a grudge

so I gave you a hug

as you apologized.

But what you did

was the best for me

now I no longer live a lie

because of you.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Finding Yourself

When everyone wants you

to be something other than you’re not

don’t fret

or become what they want

instead stay true to yourself

by finding that something

that makes you,

you.

You will know it

because you will feel good

feel good that you survived

being led down a road

that wasn’t for you.

You may not find it right away

it may take some time

but be ready to spend that time

on the things that matter to you

instead of what anyone else wants.

This is a step towards

enlightenment and higher evolution

when a person

becomes an individual

the whole world stops

time slows down

and even stops for a second.

It is your welcome

welcome to your new world

where anything is possible

because you made it here

to see the truth

behind your purpose

and your whole life amounted to this

for a reason.

Now you see.

It was all just one big misunderstanding

at my most creative

you locked me up

I’ll never let that happen again

you can’t win.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

I’ve Learned; Not Everyone is Worth Saving

You threw me out

threw me away

I would never do that to you.

I keep thinking about that time

and how I wasn’t well

and how you treated me

during that time.

You abandoned me

at my time of need

just like everyone else.

No one was there for me

except the spirit realm

I was being shown

no matter how much I care

others won’t always care

about me.

I must care about myself

enough to let you go.

I’m still angry about that

how I was so easily dismissed

thrown away

out into the middle of nowhere

when I needed you most

It feels like everyone is the same

playing this stupid game

they think they know

what they are fighting for

but I just remember

when you weren’t there

something invisible was

I didn’t want to go back

back to the abuse

but you threw me in that direction

so I slept in my car

I didn’t make it far

so I was taken away

and you didn’t care

no one did.

Now I know

not everyone is worth saving

even though I wanted to save us all

I’ve learned a lot from this

not everyone deserves me

not at all…

I’m not perfect

but I would never do that to you

sleepless nights I would stay up

to protect you

just like the spirits protected me

from you…

It still hurts inside

when I think about it

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it

to know I gave you everything

to only be thrown away

in the end

like I was nothing

nothing to you.

But I am something to someone

in another realm.

I feel you betray me

as we speak

Try to defeat me

if you try

you will find them

taking up for me.

Something you never did.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Breaking the Cycle…..

I push everyone away but I do it because I need to, because I love too much. I do what I have to, then come back to you. For I couldn’t fathom hurting you just because I am hurting too.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; The Actor

Sometimes people’s inside worlds are much greater than their external worlds. They are misunderstood. Not in a crazy way, because there is a difference, but in a way in which we love too much and can’t find it in the external world to match our insides. Our fuel is passion in which it can never be fulfilled in the external in which they dwell. So they try to find it in the external world and lie to themselves to believe they are taking care of their inner worlds when their unspoken attributes are disguised by external flaws. The system’s flawed; judgements absorbed from others. All we can hope for is others to be around long enough for us to express all that’s inside so that the external may understand our internal. To break free from the system. Remember that we are artists with enough to give.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Beautiful and Smart

And it took twenty six years
for her
to tell me
I was beautiful
twenty six years
for him
to tell me
I was smart
yet I wonder
if it was because
I had not heard it
all these years
or they simply
could not understand it?
These are the ways
the unspoken goes.

On to school age
I’d go,
and the only way
to tell
if I was smart
was how fast
I was at learning…
if I wanted
as the amnesia began,
And the only way
to tell
if I was beautiful
was from someone
or something Else’s
shallow attempts.
These are the ways
the unspoken goes.

But I knew
there was beauty
in the way
I’d gravitate
towards the lonely
and left out.
and I knew
it was smart
to have it come
all so easy,
and I knew
there was beauty and brains
behind the actions
of someone
who knew more
than it seemed,
but these are the ways
the unspoken goes.

Will a day come
where I no longer
need to defend myself
or prove
what they heard
was not true
and what they saw
there was more to?
to those who see it
without being told
I will recognize
I’ll notice how
our eyes know
more than we show
because you are
beautiful and smart.
And these are the ways
the unspoken goes.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

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