Kerrious

Dear god,

I got a sponsor in AA and we are going to talk tonight about things. It will be nice. I don’t have much to say but hopefully with time i will open up. I hope you can trust me, i know i rebelled because i didn’t think you loved me the way i wanted to be loved. But what do i know about love anyway , you will show me the real way real love. You will show me with time and if i follow you into the kingdom of heaven i will have a better life and be happy and can have a house. I hope you forgive me. Satan is a burden i can’t stand. So sick. You’re sick.

I hate you.

I love you.

Die.

Live.

Your presence my god is all i need, no words. Thank you.

www.youtube.com/watch

I’m so excited i went to an AA meeting in person and got a chip with the serenity prayer on it saying women in recovery. I’ve been to several meetings online. I’m going everything. Now i look forward to meetings instead of drinking but i still crave, I’m craving right now to have a beer in my hand and take drink of it but i will now! Everything is ok. I can feel myself healing. Wanting to accomplish my goals and liking my job. Everything is coming together. Gia had pajama day at daycare today so i washed hers last night so she could wear them today for the pajama party. She deserves the world. I love you Gia.

You should be able to choose who you want to be around and who you don’t want to be around. Maybe I’m the failure in God’s world but he is the failure in mind. Mine I am important and I don’t need God to tell me that I know I matter and I don’t need God to show me that.I don’t need somebody intruding in my life that is only going to bring destruction and chaos and dirtiness. I don’t have to be open minded I can just make my decisions and stick to them and no one’s going to change them. Nobody can change me nobody can change my mind no I will not open it for God. He’s already done enough damage. I believe in something way better I believe I come from way better than what I’ve been shown by God.As such selfishness God is such selfishness that’s his identity is selfishness. His only motive is to be selfish and please himself and when you won’t be into as well he says the devil well what if I’m not of God but of another planet? That’s a huge universe out there and I am not governed by a judge mental asshole. I believe in Jesus ChristAnd I believe in myself. I believe inside me is all the tools that I need and it’s not rebellious but rather gods rebellious. I’ll see what I need to say and do what I need to do and I think all the enemies know they can’t stop me because they’ve already tried. They can’t stop me from living from mattering.There is a higher power no matter how hard they try to claim it. These enemies are not connected to source they have no source in them, they are just self serving assholes trying to play god.

Thank you God for noticing me in my despair you reached out for me but I’m not ready to appreciate it because I was doing just fine and never expected anyone to hear my cries and wouldn’t have cried if I knew someone was listeningIt’s just the way I am and you think God would know that. But instead I get targeted against my will I am forced to fight a battle that’s not even mine. Space.It’s hard to believe that God would do something so cruel but it’s really happening. You would think the intentions would matter and everybody does things that they don’t mean in this stressful world. God’s not the one that Hass to live in this economy and make money and stress over how he’s going to get his next meal or if anything will ever work out or if we’ll ever have money or be rich God already has it all so was it to him to ruinSomebody’s life. I feel like this whole thing is just one big disgrace and I come from someplace better I am not under the same laws as this God that uses the devil to rape people. That allows the devil to keep doing what he’s doing and teens the innocents take the innocent taint taint the innocent

God

God of the universe

Can create miracles

And signs and wonders

Has a way

Of their own

But why doesn’t he fix

The temptations

Rid the earth of them

It’s not a test

Life is not a test

And neither should

We have the options

To be led astray so freely given to us

It doesn’t make sense

Why god doesn’t do more

And more

And more

Until

Everything is perfect

God can’t be evil

But maybe he doesn’t focus on the whole

like i do

He bigger picture

Maybe he just focuses on one person

But I’m tired of being targeted

Change the world god

Cause you know

You don’t need to change me

No one needs to hear my prayer

For it to be answered

There is magic

That others want to destroy

By posing as angels

There is one

The Christ

That give eyes to blind

And the def a voice

And my prayers

will be answered

Before the devil gets a say

Or gets ahold of me

Today was a good day, we went and ate at an awesome Indian restaurant. I got lamb kurma. So good. I just love the taste. Then ruined it with a cigarette. God I’ve got to stop smoking.

Got Gia from grammy’s and now just relaxing. I did some sober and mental health excerises. I will overcome. I think god let me know the devil is all in my mind. That maybe i created him.

I’ve got to find another way to think.

I’ve got to prevail.

I won’t give up

So

Don’t give up on me

At least i know i am a good writer!!!!!!!! I could be a famous writer with all this talent.

So i found a couple apps that are going to help me. One is for mental illness and i signed up for a therapist. Yay! And the other is called sober buddy that gives me challenges to stay sober and i can tell you they are the absolute best.

I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life

Like the devil

Tried to brainwash a bunch of us

Told us lies about earth

But earth is beautiful

God i hope light beats the dark

NOW!!!!!

well i didn’t go to the AA meeting, i feel like i need my ptsd medicine first, i really want to go to the next one. They are so late in the afternoon that I’m already feeling anxiety and the need to drink so it’s perfect timing to go to a meeting instead of drink. This evening what i did instead of drink was go to goodwill and shop and I’m glad i did. I found a bunch of workout clothes for the gym and walking which is way better than drinking. Instead of drinking i found what i needed for my goals – -clothes for the gym because I’m going to start going. I took a walk this evening as well. Gia is at her grandmas she is so sweet. I love her so much to death to the moon and back. She has my heart. We are going to have fun together and a good life together. So yeah i will go to the next AA meeting. I book a reiki session as well. So i am looking forward to that. Can’t wait to see what that is all about and have it done. I think I should book a massage and chiropractor appointment too. All in good time. Chiropractor is very affordable actually. We had steak and potoatos and corn on the cob for dinner tonight while watching UFC fights. I love Brett he is a good cook and good to me. Oh and he got me roses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!