Kerrious

Dear God

I’m two weeks sober

Going for forever

Although i can’t imagine

Never drinking again

I want to get that wine

Off the internet for half price

I want to try it

Please.

But maybe i have too many problems to drink

I really do

Maybe one day if i am healed

I can have some wine and be responsible.

I really want to.

Try.

I can’t believe I’ve acted a fool

And done the things I’ve done lately

I’m on probation

I’m a fool!

Oh God

A full hearted fool

Desperate for justice i suppose

But i know things can’t be the way i want them

So i just think about God’s will

And how God will handle it all

Not me

I can do nothing

It is out of my control

I know it is

And I know God will do what is best

I really can’t believe the things I’ve done

To the ones that i love the most

How could i

I’m so hurt

I am trying so hard to be different

To change for the better

Please god help

Dear God

I’m confused

I was attempted murdered

And live today

Why didn’t he succeed

Because you didn’t let him

In this war

We win.

Dear God

I really wonder

Why

Why why why why why

Why did they do it

Not just to me

But to anyone

How could they do it

What is wrong with them

But i know

The answer already

What is something i don’t know the answer to

That is how i am alive today

But that’s easy

God did it.

I don’t know why i can’t stop

Stop a lot of things

But with God anything is possible

And I’m i doing it

I’mi changing.

It’s just times like these

At night

Alone time comes

And I’m alone

Enough

To feel good about it

And to feel good i have people that love me

That i have a job

A house

Shelter

Blankets

Heat

And money to spend on my creativity

My outlets..

It’s been such a long road

I put behind me a career i didn’t like

To pursue my own business

And it wasn’t a mistake

But the best thing i ever did

For myself!

Pursuit of happiness

And I’m wondering when it’ll end

Or if it ever will

Because i am content

On a neverending story

A neverending road

To excel

At everything

And to love

With all my heart and soul

Recently

I was told

I was beautiful

Inside and out

By my mother and my best friend’s mother

Something i never heard before

Only in my head haha

I wondered if i was

I wondered if i could be

Beautiful inside and out

Because this world makes me a monster

And the things done to me

Have drove me into madness and terror

I just want to cry

Because it meant so much to me

After everything

No one hates me

They really dont hate me

I am getting closer

To overcoming

The past.

I am getting what i need

To do it too.

God

How do you do it

Why do we love you

Want to listen to you

Do anything for you

What is my place

And yours

For some reason

You chose me

And i know i dont deserve it

But what was life

Before you

An endless darkness

A hole

A trap

Death…

Now it isn’t so bad

But I’m afraid to be happy

Because as soon as i get happy

Something bad will happen

Or something will be taken away

I just want to be happy

Guess I’m just scared

But I’m trying so hard

Believe me

God

Was it you that told me things would be ok?

Did you lead me into the right direction

Despite my discretion

Was it you that saved me

Was it you that saw something in me

The very same thing

They would take advantage of

But you said no

I was to be used for only your purposes

Not theirs

You showed them

Who i belong to

I love our little girl Gia Rose. She is growing fast. She is a blessing. If i didn’t get pregnant I don’t know where i would be. I’m so happy I got pregnant. Brett and Gia are my world. i love Brett so much for giving me Gia. I was at rock bottom, with nothing and no one then all of a sudden i have a family. We have a house now and are making it our home. Brett got me a walk in closet and we have made it look nice and he built me a shelf for all my supplies and i like to burn sage and incense and candles and turn my sound machine on to thunder and look at tarot cards about the past present and future. How the past i was a victim but presently need a new mindset to get rewarded for labor in the future. So true.

Right now Gia is fighting sleep but it is her bedtime.

I’m just grateful and thankful and happy i am here today with my little family. I already want another child. Being pregnant was the best thing ever. I loved every second of it even when i was sick and throwing up rejecting foods. I just really can’t wait to have a little boy. Fingers crossed.

I thank God every day and realize how much God has done in my life. God truly is on my side.

I wish I could have back

All the love I wasted

On you

And give it to someone

Else

Fear is not my guide