Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “poem”

I’ve Learned; Finding Yourself

When everyone wants you

to be something other than you’re not

don’t fret

or become what they want

instead stay true to yourself

by finding that something

that makes you,

you.

You will know it

because you will feel good

feel good that you survived

being led down a road

that wasn’t for you.

You may not find it right away

it may take some time

but be ready to spend that time

on the things that matter to you

instead of what anyone else wants.

This is a step towards

enlightenment and higher evolution

when a person

becomes an individual

the whole world stops

time slows down

and even stops for a second.

It is your welcome

welcome to your new world

where anything is possible

because you made it here

to see the truth

behind your purpose

and your whole life amounted to this

for a reason.

Now you see.

It was all just one big misunderstanding

at my most creative

you locked me up

I’ll never let that happen again

you can’t win.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Non-Judgemental

I released all judgements

left them behind

for another time

for me to find.

All judgements

started racing through my mind.

One by one

they were released

into the abyss.

No longer judgemental

just a memory

in my mind

of how things used to be,

I never could overcome me.

Now when I see you

I won’t judge

I’ll see everything

but the bad

turn your flaws into gold,

With this

it was clear,

things are never

as they appear.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Be Careful What You Uncover

I’d wake up
and couldn’t stand or walk

I finally decided to

look down

and a dozen bullet holes

were found

but I was walking

this time

not too weak

to stand up

I just had to know

why when I fell

I couldn’t get up

now I know

it’s because

you are trying to kill me

metaphorically speaking,

although it feels quite literal.

Be careful of what you uncover

of what you see with your eyes

bullet holes so divine.

 

 

(copyright kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Joy

There is definitely something

that puts me in  my moods.

you may say I’m out of touch

when really I’m smiling so big

to light up a night sky.

When I look up

I am elated

to have a question answered.

Finally,

after all these years

of working hard

to meet you.

Working hard to defeat this

way of feeling.

What I received in return

was something I can’t even explain

but there is where my moods come from

where they blossom into joy

don’t mistake my joy

for ignorance.

Nor my smile

for crazy

or my love

for weakness.

It’s all a part of me now.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Thank You

All I said

was to stop destroying planets

there I received

a phone call saying thank you.

I didn’t think twice

only said you’re welcome

as if I was expecting your call.

I should have saved your number

to figure this out.

But instead I moved on

without much thought towards you

now I want to know

who you were

and how you knew

what I was asking for.

We want to heal the world

we want to clean up our messes

be with our families

and eat and drink

to the fullest.

If all I have

is that memory

that is good enough for me.

If all I got was a thank you

that’s okay with me.

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Dear Dad

It hasn’t been the first time, and I know it won’t be the last. I’ve got on my knees and asked God for strength. Not only for me, but also for you. I try to dig deep into my mind for the right words to say, but no matter how deep I go it leads me to a bottomless emptiness. No words come out, and I don’t know if they ever will. Is it because I know you won’t listen? Is it because I’ve been let down so many times before? It all seems pointless. I’m not one for pointless conversation when it comes to serious matters. I’m not one to spill my feelings to someone who’s never showed interest in what I’ve had to say before. Why can’t I just tell you what you need to hear? I fear I may lose you. Everything I’ve held on to for years and the years are racking up; without even stopping to think about. How long has it been?
This image I’ve held on to for years is now just a glimpse in the past. Something I have trouble coming to terms with. Why can’t you see that? It’s not what you have in life it’s what you do and who you decide to do it with. We should be closer. I shouldn’t be afraid to tell you things and sometimes I’m not. I shouldn’t cry at night, I shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t let me down, you should care. I don’t have much family in this life. Do I have to live without you too? I’ve always made the best out of what I’ve been given and the hand I’ve been dealt, but I don’t think I could live knowing that you couldn’t. I’ve always acted like things don’t bother me and pretend that it’s normal. It’s a thing called love, and with love comes forgiveness. How can someone forget something if it re-emerges constantly to remind me? I feel like I’m losing you and have for years.
I’ve been too strong for too long and you may have been oblivious to all of this, because I have been too. We count on you, not only as a father but as a backbone to keep this family strong. We care more than you imagine, but do you? I resent your weakness. I’ve poured your last case out.

Now I see you were just living a good life and you knew how to have a good time. I’d do anything to have those times again so I’ll dream about them instead. I miss you and will never forget all the good times we shared despite the elephant in the room. Now that you’re gone my desire to drink is gone. I no longer need to drink because you aren’t here to drink with. I used to think that if you can’t beat them you should join them, so that’s what I did. I trained myself to not like it ever since I lost you to it. I love you and always will. Thanks for teaching me all that you did. Now I know what to do.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2012 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

I’ve Learned; Dreams

These eyes cannot unsee

what they have seen

dreams of you every night

as if you’re still in my life

instead of the usual dread I felt

I began to change my reaction

I started to think maybe you weren’t so bad

and then we started to get along.

I don’t want anything to do with you

not after everything you put me through.

The dreams remind me of dark times

and my only solace was knowing

you were in jail.

After everything you put me through

your’re a danger to society

and to me.

You made up lies to spread,

abused me and my mind

all I did was do my best

to leave you forever.

But now you haunt my dreams

turn them into nightmares

except I have moved on

and you don’t bother me

I thought you had a message for me

but it was the other way around.

I say….

Goodbye, forever,

stay out of my dreams

and quit haunting me.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Remember

If I remember everything

can I leave this prison?

Now I’m ready

all I wanted

was a house in the country

where I couldn’t hear

anyone’s thoughts

but my own.

All I wanted

was to share my words

it’s now or never

and I’m getting ready.

I claim to love Earth

but not lately

I can’t stand what I’m seeing

what I’m hearing

and believing.

When will the false words stop

when will I be separated

from this place

you destroyed my home

murdered me

then stole all my belongings

but not this time

this time I’m ready

ready to take back

what is mine.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Not Everyone is Worth Saving

You threw me out

threw me away

I would never do that to you.

I keep thinking about that time

and how I wasn’t well

and how you treated me

during that time.

You abandoned me

at my time of need

just like everyone else.

No one was there for me

except the spirit realm

I was being shown

no matter how much I care

others won’t always care

about me.

I must care about myself

enough to let you go.

I’m still angry about that

how I was so easily dismissed

thrown away

out into the middle of nowhere

when I needed you most

It feels like everyone is the same

playing this stupid game

they think they know

what they are fighting for

but I just remember

when you weren’t there

something invisible was

I didn’t want to go back

back to the abuse

but you threw me in that direction

so I slept in my car

I didn’t make it far

so I was taken away

and you didn’t care

no one did.

Now I know

not everyone is worth saving

even though I wanted to save us all

I’ve learned a lot from this

not everyone deserves me

not at all…

I’m not perfect

but I would never do that to you

sleepless nights I would stay up

to protect you

just like the spirits protected me

from you…

It still hurts inside

when I think about it

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it

to know I gave you everything

to only be thrown away

in the end

like I was nothing

nothing to you.

But I am something to someone

in another realm.

I feel you betray me

as we speak

Try to defeat me

if you try

you will find them

taking up for me.

Something you never did.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

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