Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “light”

I’ve Learned; Peaceful Death

I was looking for you

took a wrong turn

into another world

where everything was the same

but I was different.

I changed my mind

and saw the truth

behind our love

and the way it was.

I tried to find you

but the roads and signs

kept changing

into other things

like different places

as if I was there

but my surroundings were changing

which made it impossible

to find you.

I regret that day

and the way I made you feel

I really don’t remember

I was in another dimension

I think I wanted to stay

but you brought me back

back to reality.

Nothing is more valuable than that.

So we were apart

because I became lost

lost in the road signs

that told me to refuse

the ambulance ride

that appeared out of thin air.

They said I was walking along the road

mumbling something about the promised land

except I really wasn’t

time accelerated so fast

they were there in a glance

it wasn’t how you remembered.

You said you were there to help me

and I fell for it too

I do not break

just because you would.

I do not give up

just because you would.

Just because life got hard

doesn’t mean I care

because I am strong and fierce

I am scared of nothing

so next time you decide to track me down

know for certain you are wrong

about me.

Just because you couldn’t watch someone die

doesn’t mean I can’t.

Because I understand death

and would like to be there as you passed on

because there is nothing to fear

I know what’s on the other side

I have been there a dozen times

I hold that knowledge inside me

but since you didn’t understand it

you tried to take it away.

You tried to take away my love for another

just because you didn’t understand it.

People fear what they don’t understand

but I can tell you

he wasn’t alone as he died

he never had to be

because my love for him

was more powerful than all the hurt

the pain he felt

subsided.

I never seen anything so peaceful

as the moment you passed.

Everything became so real

and you I could feel

Jesus Christ in your heart

and God in your mind.

You said I woke up in the middle of the night

and came down to pray with you

like a shadow person

replaying the scene over and over.

The love between a child and parent

is the greatest love of all

in this world

if you can find it

you will have everything you need

to understand

and never fear again.

You can beat death

it’s the last thing we do

and God wanted me to be with you.

Because he knew I loved you

despite everything you put me through.

I did not think of any of that

because in the end

it doesn’t matter.

Almost on autopilot

forgiveness set in

there’s no way I could feel a grudge

so I gave you a hug

as you apologized.

But what you did

was the best for me

now I no longer live a lie

because of you.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Finding Yourself

When everyone wants you

to be something other than you’re not

don’t fret

or become what they want

instead stay true to yourself

by finding that something

that makes you,

you.

You will know it

because you will feel good

feel good that you survived

being led down a road

that wasn’t for you.

You may not find it right away

it may take some time

but be ready to spend that time

on the things that matter to you

instead of what anyone else wants.

This is a step towards

enlightenment and higher evolution

when a person

becomes an individual

the whole world stops

time slows down

and even stops for a second.

It is your welcome

welcome to your new world

where anything is possible

because you made it here

to see the truth

behind your purpose

and your whole life amounted to this

for a reason.

Now you see.

It was all just one big misunderstanding

at my most creative

you locked me up

I’ll never let that happen again

you can’t win.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Non-Judgemental

I released all judgements

left them behind

for another time

for me to find.

All judgements

started racing through my mind.

One by one

they were released

into the abyss.

No longer judgemental

just a memory

in my mind

of how things used to be,

I never could overcome me.

Now when I see you

I won’t judge

I’ll see everything

but the bad

turn your flaws into gold,

With this

it was clear,

things are never

as they appear.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Be Careful What You Uncover

I’d wake up
and couldn’t stand or walk

I finally decided to

look down

and a dozen bullet holes

were found

but I was walking

this time

not too weak

to stand up

I just had to know

why when I fell

I couldn’t get up

now I know

it’s because

you are trying to kill me

metaphorically speaking,

although it feels quite literal.

Be careful of what you uncover

of what you see with your eyes

bullet holes so divine.

 

 

(copyright kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Joy

There is definitely something

that puts me in  my moods.

you may say I’m out of touch

when really I’m smiling so big

to light up a night sky.

When I look up

I am elated

to have a question answered.

Finally,

after all these years

of working hard

to meet you.

Working hard to defeat this

way of feeling.

What I received in return

was something I can’t even explain

but there is where my moods come from

where they blossom into joy

don’t mistake my joy

for ignorance.

Nor my smile

for crazy

or my love

for weakness.

It’s all a part of me now.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Thank You

All I said

was to stop destroying planets

there I received

a phone call saying thank you.

I didn’t think twice

only said you’re welcome

as if I was expecting your call.

I should have saved your number

to figure this out.

But instead I moved on

without much thought towards you

now I want to know

who you were

and how you knew

what I was asking for.

We want to heal the world

we want to clean up our messes

be with our families

and eat and drink

to the fullest.

If all I have

is that memory

that is good enough for me.

If all I got was a thank you

that’s okay with me.

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Dear Dad

It hasn’t been the first time, and I know it won’t be the last. I’ve got on my knees and asked God for strength. Not only for me, but also for you. I try to dig deep into my mind for the right words to say, but no matter how deep I go it leads me to a bottomless emptiness. No words come out, and I don’t know if they ever will. Is it because I know you won’t listen? Is it because I’ve been let down so many times before? It all seems pointless. I’m not one for pointless conversation when it comes to serious matters. I’m not one to spill my feelings to someone who’s never showed interest in what I’ve had to say before. Why can’t I just tell you what you need to hear? I fear I may lose you. Everything I’ve held on to for years and the years are racking up; without even stopping to think about. How long has it been?
This image I’ve held on to for years is now just a glimpse in the past. Something I have trouble coming to terms with. Why can’t you see that? It’s not what you have in life it’s what you do and who you decide to do it with. We should be closer. I shouldn’t be afraid to tell you things and sometimes I’m not. I shouldn’t cry at night, I shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t let me down, you should care. I don’t have much family in this life. Do I have to live without you too? I’ve always made the best out of what I’ve been given and the hand I’ve been dealt, but I don’t think I could live knowing that you couldn’t. I’ve always acted like things don’t bother me and pretend that it’s normal. It’s a thing called love, and with love comes forgiveness. How can someone forget something if it re-emerges constantly to remind me? I feel like I’m losing you and have for years.
I’ve been too strong for too long and you may have been oblivious to all of this, because I have been too. We count on you, not only as a father but as a backbone to keep this family strong. We care more than you imagine, but do you? I resent your weakness. I’ve poured your last case out.

Now I see you were just living a good life and you knew how to have a good time. I’d do anything to have those times again so I’ll dream about them instead. I miss you and will never forget all the good times we shared despite the elephant in the room. Now that you’re gone my desire to drink is gone. I no longer need to drink because you aren’t here to drink with. I used to think that if you can’t beat them you should join them, so that’s what I did. I trained myself to not like it ever since I lost you to it. I love you and always will. Thanks for teaching me all that you did. Now I know what to do.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2012 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Me

I know that I must have and here is the fruition. All my labors have manifested into harmony. My anxiety has quieted. I noticed now it only comes when I dissect my thoughts and worry. I am so good at making things worse than they are because hey, maybe I had too much fun. I need not to beat myself up anymore. It is okay to be happy. That was my journey. To know it’s okay to be happy. I have sabotaged myself with unhealthy relationships, by turning a blind eye to it. Sure, I think I am helping, but all it did was hurt me. I let each and every one of them do it. But yet I came out fine. You can’t help people who want to use you. I can’t do this to myself anymore. But with each one I come closer to knowing what I want. Hey! There’s a thought. I never knew I could choose what I wanted, I always let them choose me. I know what I want and I will have the courage to get it. It’s so silly. I took the long road. I am different. This society is backwards, and they labeled me backwards. I need to write more, like I used to. I used to amaze myself from the words that came out. Now if only I could get back there. I’ve always been the same. I’ve always been that little kid. Because I have less to take away and more to gain. I can now shape myself into who I want to be. I know who that is now. I am funny, smart, caring, and outgoing. I am not shy but I’m working on letting my guard go and learning when to use it. I am learning to be more open to everyone, but that is who I am. I am pretty and I make funny faces. I am a natural. I love myself. I hated myself. The choices I had made led me to failure, but I was being too hard on myself. Due to some belief system I had formed. My road led me here though, what more can I ask for. Since I was a little girl sitting in my room all alone I dreamed of this day to come. I want that little girl to be proud of me. There is no reason why I should have to succumb myself into the transparent self-destructive ways of those I have loved. It is so complex. But it isn’t me. I know I can write about it, at least

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved)..

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

I’ve Learned; Remember

If I remember everything

can I leave this prison?

Now I’m ready

all I wanted

was a house in the country

where I couldn’t hear

anyone’s thoughts

but my own.

All I wanted

was to share my words

it’s now or never

and I’m getting ready.

I claim to love Earth

but not lately

I can’t stand what I’m seeing

what I’m hearing

and believing.

When will the false words stop

when will I be separated

from this place

you destroyed my home

murdered me

then stole all my belongings

but not this time

this time I’m ready

ready to take back

what is mine.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

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