It hasn’t been the first time, and I know it won’t be the last. I’ve got on my knees and asked God for strength. Not only for me, but also for you. I try to dig deep into my mind for the right words to say, but no matter how deep I go it leads me to a bottomless emptiness. No words come out, and I don’t know if they ever will. Is it because I know you won’t listen? Is it because I’ve been let down so many times before? It all seems pointless. I’m not one for pointless conversation when it comes to serious matters. I’m not one to spill my feelings to someone who’s never showed interest in what I’ve had to say before. Why can’t I just tell you what you need to hear? I fear I may lose you. Everything I’ve held on to for years and the years are racking up; without even stopping to think about. How long has it been?
This image I’ve held on to for years is now just a glimpse in the past. Something I have trouble coming to terms with. Why can’t you see that? It’s not what you have in life it’s what you do and who you decide to do it with. We should be closer. I shouldn’t be afraid to tell you things and sometimes I’m not. I shouldn’t cry at night, I shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t let me down, you should care. I don’t have much family in this life. Do I have to live without you too? I’ve always made the best out of what I’ve been given and the hand I’ve been dealt, but I don’t think I could live knowing that you couldn’t. I’ve always acted like things don’t bother me and pretend that it’s normal. It’s a thing called love, and with love comes forgiveness. How can someone forget something if it re-emerges constantly to remind me? I feel like I’m losing you and have for years.
I’ve been too strong for too long and you may have been oblivious to all of this, because I have been too. We count on you, not only as a father but as a backbone to keep this family strong. We care more than you imagine, but do you? I resent your weakness. I’ve poured your last case out.
Now I see you were just living a good life and you knew how to have a good time. I’d do anything to have those times again so I’ll dream about them instead. I miss you and will never forget all the good times we shared despite the elephant in the room. Now that you’re gone my desire to drink is gone. I no longer need to drink because you aren’t here to drink with. I used to think that if you can’t beat them you should join them, so that’s what I did. I trained myself to not like it ever since I lost you to it. I love you and always will. Thanks for teaching me all that you did. Now I know what to do.
(copyright Kerrious 2012 with all rights reserved).