Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “god”

I’ve Learned; Metamorphosis

I feel like I have forgotten. I feel overwhelmed and unable to connect. I want to write but don’t know where to start. I was to be inspired but find it lurking somewhere in my peripheral vision and I can’t quite grab it’s focus. I feel utterly hopeless but there is something holding on. I have been strong for too long. I am tired of the same old. I am tired of my writing being shallow. I am tired of the world. I am horrified that I live here. How positive can I be before I go crazy? Where is the healthy balance? Where is the middle ground in which I can still serve my purpose but not feel completely lost. I feel lost. I am lost. Where am I? Who am I? the more I know and the more I find out the more I realized I don’t know and get amnesia. I just want to cry. I have so much to give so much to offer and so much talent. But it lies dormant and what will wake it? What will it take? My life is not what I expected it to be but it took me 26 years to get here. For the most part I am happy with the outcome but another part of me knows I had hoped for much more. Where did I get lost? But you can not go back so how can I change it now? For the most part I feel like I have given my all into changing for the better to be true to myself. But another part of me feels this disparity , this subtle but powerful voice that says I can’t do anything. Like I am just waiting for something to happen to know my time is right. I feel like that time is now. When will I put my hard work to the test? I can’t keep letting myself down. I can’t be perfect. I feel so overwhelmed, so alone. I live this life on the outside and another life on the inside. Why can’t I express myself? I am getting better. I am so stressed. Lots of energy. Maybe I need to work on those shielding techniques I think are so stupid. Maybe they aren’t so stupid if they could help.

All that I have learn I feel I have lost. But I know it’s temporary. Like I am being left to my own devices as a test. It feels forgotten and it feels stolen.

Maybe all that I have learned and all that energy I collected has been used? What if I have used it all to help in a greater cause in some sense? What if I am depleted because I sacrificed it all for the bigger picture? After all, that is what I am told. It’s like everything is happening in another dimension. I just need to realize everything is perfect and how it should be right now. Always.

Ive never admitted I was lost before. I always felt so sure I was on the right path. But am I lost? If so I’ve been digging the hole for quite some time. Wouldn’t know where to start to get out. Goodbye. It’s like I am letting go of everything I ever knew. It’s quite painful but it’s like I’m just letting it happen without a fight. I’ll let the tears come as they come and won’t judge myself. I’ll actually enjoy it. I let the good times roll and slow times go. It’s like I know it’ll be okay. I’m letting go of all I ever knew or thought. And I’m fine with that. Oh my, the lessons I have learned.

I feel like sitting here just sitting here and releasing all this emotion and anxiety is what I need right now instead of yoga. It’s good just to be alone and release weeks worth of information and stress. The feeling is unlike any other. A couple years ago I probably would have gave myself a hard time if I felt like this. It feels good. So good. If I were to die, I’d want all I care about to know who I am. It’s so hard being a good person in this world. Sometimes I put my mask on to survive and that’s it. I’m sorry. My intelligence is put to use on earth. Know that I never gave up that I was just playing the game. I was just playing along and playing dumb, exactly what I’m good at. Except I really don’t know what the game is or my part in it. My heart is so big. I’d do anything for a stranger but some days I want to run away because it’s so much. I would never do harm. I’m sure I have but not on purpose. Please know that I’m not scared to die. Please know when the time come, I will want to go. My body is weak and my heart breaks. I must be needed elsewhere. Trust me when I say there is a god. Maybe not the god you imagine. I have spent every moment asking these questions and finding answers. Please don’t think I haven’t been. Some days I don’t believe myself. For some reason I am connected to source a little bit more than others. Although we are all capable and that is my message. I’ve always seen the good in others because it existed in me. I see that now. In my eyes, you all were amazing. But most people have good in them. Most. Or remnants of it which act as ghosts in which I would come across and think they were real. But they aren’t real. Neither were the remnants of your good. I’m sorry I see the best in people. But in my eyes you saw yourself. I am a mirror. As most of us are.

I’m sorry I am so weird. I’m sorry I can’t be like you. I’m sorry I get taken advantage of, but not so much anymore. I’m sorry all my qualities get mistaken for everything it’s not. I’ve come to terms with a lot of my problems and internal struggles and yes I did have a lot of problems but not anymore. I feel freed from my past, all of it. I have come out on the other side as a completely different person.
I fear I bring the worst out in people. That is what I am finding out. If it exists in them, it will appear. At least I can spot the weak and cruel, no minds of their own. Maybe that’s my purpose. I’m god’s amulet. Just going about testing people. Just when god thinks these people are good, here I come to prove him wrong. So he says, there it is, I knew they didn’t change or I knew they were faking. Yes, that’s me. I could see that actually. Because it instantly comes out when I’m around. But being an amulet, I sure as hell don’t protect from evil things, more like invoke them. More like a curse which never effects me. But I can also bring out the good in people. It’s whatever they possess the most.

Sometimes the literature I read about these things could use each other. The ones that are passionate about what they think the truth is is always missing a piece like if they weren’t so biased, they could use another link .
That’s what I was forgetting. All my suffering, but suffering makes you forget.But after all that….

You will remember everything.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved). written in 2012 before it was forgotten.

I’ve Learned; Remember

If I remember everything

can I leave this prison?

Now I’m ready

all I wanted

was a house in the country

where I couldn’t hear

anyone’s thoughts

but my own.

All I wanted

was to share my words

it’s now or never

and I’m getting ready.

I claim to love Earth

but not lately

I can’t stand what I’m seeing

what I’m hearing

and believing.

When will the false words stop

when will I be separated

from this place

you destroyed my home

murdered me

then stole all my belongings

but not this time

this time I’m ready

ready to take back

what is mine.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Not Everyone is Worth Saving

You threw me out

threw me away

I would never do that to you.

I keep thinking about that time

and how I wasn’t well

and how you treated me

during that time.

You abandoned me

at my time of need

just like everyone else.

No one was there for me

except the spirit realm

I was being shown

no matter how much I care

others won’t always care

about me.

I must care about myself

enough to let you go.

I’m still angry about that

how I was so easily dismissed

thrown away

out into the middle of nowhere

when I needed you most

It feels like everyone is the same

playing this stupid game

they think they know

what they are fighting for

but I just remember

when you weren’t there

something invisible was

I didn’t want to go back

back to the abuse

but you threw me in that direction

so I slept in my car

I didn’t make it far

so I was taken away

and you didn’t care

no one did.

Now I know

not everyone is worth saving

even though I wanted to save us all

I’ve learned a lot from this

not everyone deserves me

not at all…

I’m not perfect

but I would never do that to you

sleepless nights I would stay up

to protect you

just like the spirits protected me

from you…

It still hurts inside

when I think about it

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it

to know I gave you everything

to only be thrown away

in the end

like I was nothing

nothing to you.

But I am something to someone

in another realm.

I feel you betray me

as we speak

Try to defeat me

if you try

you will find them

taking up for me.

Something you never did.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Blaming God

Now I know why I started to get mad at God

because when I would talk about him

people would tell me to be quiet.

They wouldn’t believe a word I said

although I was just talking

not forcing them to believe.

I began to be angry

when something I knew was true

was being laughed at

or pushed aside

as if I was crazy.

So I began to think God was crazy

and now I know how it feels

to be him.

I am like a prophet

who can’t be understood

because not even God is understood

not even by me

as I remember now

why I held a grudge.

I’d cry and look up at the night sky

remember why I started to doubt you

because no one ever listened

so I kept it to myself

for you only to reveal more and more

while I felt like I was going crazy.

Now I forgive you

it’s what we both needed to do

forgive each other

and let go of grudges

because now I don’t care

if anyone listens

or if anyone cares

all that matters is that we grow

from all these misunderstandings.

I’m not here to push an agenda

I’m just saying the things

I’ve been wanting to

since I was a little girl.

When I was first shown things

that can’t be explained

but here it would be called a breakdown

a collapse of reality.

That’s fine with me

it can be our little secret

you know I was upset

as I cursed you

for making me this way

when all I wanted to do was be normal

my whole life….

but now I know that’s not how you made me

I am meant to be free

free from being normal

free of resentments and grudges

towards you…

I no longer blame you

or look for signs.

You are within me

forever confined.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Breathe

I have no religion

only ideals

I never claimed to be anything

other than the truth

the truth as it occurs to me

from experience alone

throughout my life

I’ve been taking notes

to find my truth

I know my truth

is not your truth

but there is something universal about it

the way it all came to me

on it’s own

because I was searching.

I have no religion

my religion is truth

it’s what I believe

because it happened to me.

In my depths of despair

I always came up for air

something was always there

and when I didn’t need to breathe anymore

something else was doing it for me.

When I didn’t want to live

something else was keeping me alive

So I’ll take that as a sign

a sign of my truth

I must be here for a reason

even though I want to go

but I am in no hurry

I’ll take what you gave me

and continue to live

because I know

that’s all you have to give

is the life that I live.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; You Can Leave Your Body

I told you right before you went

that you could leave your body

before the pain.

You took my words as truth

for once in your life

and you learned to leave your body

so peacefully.

I made it there just in time

you were at the end

I let you know

everything would be alright

as you apologized

for past mistakes.

I said I forgive you

without hesitation

I knew I was there

to help you

transition into your next adventure.

I still see you in my dreams

we take walks and have talks

we sit in your living room

like old times

like you are still there

somewhere

and I think you learned

through death

just how to live

how to merge yourself

into another world

as you left your body

before the pain took it’s toll

you went so peacefully

and I couldn’t ask for more.

In the end

we use our will

to move on.

(copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Lights

When I looked at the moon

I felt you looking at it too

as if we both

were doing the same thing

at the same time,

thinking about each other,

Missing each other

because we loved each other.

Almost threw it away

until the day

I couldn’t live without you.

I had never been so happy

not in my entire life

and it was taken from me

in an instant

while I was in control of nothing

not a bit of it.

I felt my heart break

I felt the love disappear

to only resurface

when you decided to see clear.

We woke up laughing everyday

and throughout my life

I never had that before

So please don’t label me

with your past

I started brand new

why couldn’t you?

So I’ll just look at the moon

knowing you are too

maybe at the same time

you were never mine

as we both belonged to everyone

until we woke up

and realized

all that didn’t matter

not anymore.

Shining lights

floating through the air

only I could see them

what were they telling me?

I still don’t know

except I never loved anyone

the way I loved you

it’s like I always knew

this day would come.

I am like the lights

that float in the air

I am like the moon

who hangs there

I admire you

and all that you know

can’t you see

how much I loved you?

would do anything for you?

I think it was something

that needed to happen

we were lost in our love

we needed to break free

and share our love

with others.

And maybe those lights

jolted us awake

to only say

there is no other way

to reach true love

If we wanted what we created

we would have to be ripped apart

to heal in ourselves

what was keeping us apart.

To only find each other again

and realize what we have

and our purpose

is to give it away

as easily as we received it

is as easily as we can share it.

Although I worked hard

to find love

It all came so easy.

Like the lights

which dissipated in time

we too will disappear

but our love you can hear….

forever

for infinity

for all of time

only true love remains

after the lights are gone.

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Vision

In my vision

you just rolled your eyes at me

when I needed you

someone to vent to.

Except now I know

that was a mistake

I’d never roll my eyes at you.

It felt like everyone was against me

not wanting to help me

only to judge me

and put me away.

I guess you were

no exception

if I held everyone to those standards

I’d have no one left

that I loved.

When I was traveling

I lost you

I couldn’t find you

As I got out of my car

It felt like I released

a heavy burden

shivers so divine

I could have shined,

Like returning to the promised land.

Now I no longer

look to you

or anyone

Only myself

and my strength

is what I need.

Keep rolling your eyes

because you just might find

some truth

in me.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Holy Spirit

We were all just sitting there

at the table

talking about our troubles

and how to fix them

when you decided

to draw me a picture

almost automatically

so fluid and exact.

It was of Jesus

hanging from the cross

with the holy spirit

coming out as he died

on the cross.

I may have felt defeated

but by knowing

and remembering

why I was still alive

was because of the spirit

and it is in me too.

I will never forget that

and I still have the picture

It was a good reminder

of what happened to me.

You were sick

and I helped you to bed

and you helped me

with just one picture

that meant so much

in the end.

Thank you for that.

I am like the holy spirit

released to save us all.

 

(Copyright kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; We Live Forever

Can’t we live forever

or maybe for a thousand years?

Why must we die

until everyone is gone?

Sometimes I think

everything is as it should be

but other times

I want to ask to live longer

maybe 120 years.

I think we have to die

to experience the process

We have to learn to accept death

and not deny it’s existence

I think we must die

in order to face ourselves

internally we go

always searching for answers.

It’s usually something

you already know

you just forget

and want to live forever.

Imagine all the things we could do or see

if only we had more time.

Why are we denied such things?

Why are we denied the people we love?

If only they were here now

to see what has become of us all.

But we must accept that

we all die,

some just want to get there sooner than others.

Are we ever really ready to go?

I think we can prepare for death

and there is help along the way

Death is a part of life

we can’t choose to ignore,

we must accept its challenges

and it’s will.

To live forever would be a purpose

to discover everything

until we felt it with our own hands

see it with our own eyes,

then we will be ready to go

once we have answered our questions.

Sometimes you must search for the things

you wish to know,

although it’s invisible

it still exists.

There is something beyond here

and I’m no longer scared to die.

It graced itself with myself

to show me he would be okay

once he passed

and peacefully he went

and then I knew there was a God.

Something much bigger existed

and I glimpsed it.

All my answers were given

and now this life I shall live.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2015 with all rights reserved).

 

 

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