Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “freewrting”

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Walk and Roll

As a child

It’s like

rolling down a hill

quite literally

we climb to the top

look at our surroundings

lay down

to start the roll

all the while

laughing

and not caring

how fast we go

until we reach

the bottom

as we stop

our momentum

only to laugh

hysterically.

As an adult

it’s like climbing

the stairs

to only get to the top

to have someone

hitching a ride

so we get sick

to the stomach

and climb back down

the stairs

until the sickness is gone

I wouldn’t drag

a sickness

up the hill

or the stairs

along with me.

as I reached the top

the sickness ensued

I knew I had to

go back down

to throw up

the sickness

because it wasn’t mine

only put upon

me

by prying eyes

jealous voices

bombardment

addicts to the core.

addicted to sabotage

because they

couldn’t climb

the stairs

or roll down the hill

themselves.

We’d roll down the hills

to feel alive

because we didn’t feel ourselves

but we’d climb the stairs

to meet death

and ourselves.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Peaceful Death

I was looking for you

took a wrong turn

into another world

where everything was the same

but I was different.

I changed my mind

and saw the truth

behind our love

and the way it was.

I tried to find you

but the roads and signs

kept changing

into other things

like different places

as if I was there

but my surroundings were changing

which made it impossible

to find you.

I regret that day

and the way I made you feel

I really don’t remember

I was in another dimension

I think I wanted to stay

but you brought me back

back to reality.

Nothing is more valuable than that.

So we were apart

because I became lost

lost in the road signs

that told me to refuse

the ambulance ride

that appeared out of thin air.

They said I was walking along the road

mumbling something about the promised land

except I really wasn’t

time accelerated so fast

they were there in a glance

it wasn’t how you remembered.

You said you were there to help me

and I fell for it too

I do not break

just because you would.

I do not give up

just because you would.

Just because life got hard

doesn’t mean I care

because I am strong and fierce

I am scared of nothing

so next time you decide to track me down

know for certain you are wrong

about me.

Just because you couldn’t watch someone die

doesn’t mean I can’t.

Because I understand death

and would like to be there as you passed on

because there is nothing to fear

I know what’s on the other side

I have been there a dozen times

I hold that knowledge inside me

but since you didn’t understand it

you tried to take it away.

You tried to take away my love for another

just because you didn’t understand it.

People fear what they don’t understand

but I can tell you

he wasn’t alone as he died

he never had to be

because my love for him

was more powerful than all the hurt

the pain he felt

subsided.

I never seen anything so peaceful

as the moment you passed.

Everything became so real

and you I could feel

Jesus Christ in your heart

and God in your mind.

You said I woke up in the middle of the night

and came down to pray with you

like a shadow person

replaying the scene over and over.

The love between a child and parent

is the greatest love of all

in this world

if you can find it

you will have everything you need

to understand

and never fear again.

You can beat death

it’s the last thing we do

and God wanted me to be with you.

Because he knew I loved you

despite everything you put me through.

I did not think of any of that

because in the end

it doesn’t matter.

Almost on autopilot

forgiveness set in

there’s no way I could feel a grudge

so I gave you a hug

as you apologized.

But what you did

was the best for me

now I no longer live a lie

because of you.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; 48 Days Ago

I claim to want a universal truth but the beauty lies in each individual, as we all have a truth to live by. That’s what sets us apart but yet we will always have to question our one truth so what’s different about universal truth?

It’ll always be a question you seek to answer to only discover pieces at a time. I’d like to think we each go around until we find our own universal truth, not some collective, one way truth where everyone has to have the same truth but in a way that tells you who you really are and then why, together that becomes our universal truth.

Truth is a journey and the destinations keeps changing because the truth keeps changing and you are always changing.

That’s my truth, my individual truth runs from my universal truth as I thought I needed to change to find it but it’s been with me all along. As we individually find ourselves, primordial change will follow which will lead us to our universal truth. And We, humans, hold all the secrets to the universe.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

On my way I walked right through

the water, rocks, and trees,

gazing strictly onward at a steady but wistful pace,

knowing my destination would be a dark room in a cave,

where I was supposed to still see,

all those who loved and understood me.

When I got there I was not scared,

Except I was alone in the dark.

Where were they?

No one loves you while you are alone and in the dark,

yet someone was there, I just didn’t know who.

At first, I felt nothing but apologetic

I’m sorry; on replay, and the aching to go with it.

Tried to visualize family and friends

I still felt, they didn’t love and understand me,

as they materialized; halfheartedly, in front of me.

Then I realized I was thinking

of all the people I loved and understood

not the other way around, because everything is upside down.

In the end, just because you love them

doesn’t mean they love you.

And I could not really believe those I thought of

truly loved me, not like I loved them.

Because I didn’t love me the way I love you.

Then I started to cry because it felt so liberating

yet self defeating…in the dark.

Someone;

that someone who was there…spoke up,

as I asked for help.

I was upset yet willing, and a strong urge for the truth.

I told them to bring it on, that I would keep loving anyway,

that the realization wouldn’t break me,

because I do love and understand myself.

Yet there are no words for how I feel.

I just didn’t understand you, your connection to me, or reason to be.

Then I felt engulfed in an immense feeling of appreciation,

that I should keep doing what I’m doing.

That those people love me the best way

they can and could at the time and that I am never alone.

When I got back to where I started I stopped at the water

and let it take me along with it for a while.

On every venture back the destination seems to become more clear,

so you notice the water, rocks, and trees as you have no place to be,

you always felt certain you were connected to it all,

because if you embrace the fall instead of run or look the other way,

you are born again and you begin to navigate the waters of life

in a way only you can comprehend.

As you navigate you begin to notice despite the rocks and trees,

I really do love and understand you as you love and understand me.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

It’s not about changing who you are, but accepting who you are while reaching your full potential through aspects of yourself you already had. You just forgot that’s who you already are. Sometimes we let others tell us who we are because the world is crazy. But just because the world is crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. And just because others didn’t and won’t see it, doesn’t mean you aren’t still in there, somewhere.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

alongside you’d go
traveling onward
with me
keeping pace
but you had no face
with swift movements
it was erased,
like a cartoon
not quite real
but could be,
the whole way
beside me
on this road
traveling onward
along beside me
you made it look
so easy
keeping pace
beside me,
always sure
as you’d turn to smile
while I’d just look onward
in awe,
along beside you.

(Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned to Recognize Beauty and Love

The world is full of beauty and love. We just haven’t discovered the universal truth behind each of those words. Some standard definition in which we all can agree upon. Some way of knowing we are all on the same page as to what they mean. But they are no exact words to use because there really isn’t an exact definition because beauty and love aren’t things to be named. They are feelings to be felt. And you know it when you feel it. You may not know how to express them appropriately. And that to me is more important to focus on. Not so much what each word means but what each word feels like and how do we express them in a way that takes their true form? When you find it out there, it may trigger your curiosity. It may seem like something that happens everyday. Or you may not even recognize it when you do experience them. We possess beauty and love but you can’t bypass finding it in yourself and go on to try and find it in someone else or even teach about beauty and love without this crucial step. So much confusion is brought about when we get stuck at the half way point thinking we found the truth, instead of continuing searching. It brings all sorts of unnecessary separation in humanity and the negativity it brings along with it hovers until we no longer care to solve problems but rather argue instead of being open minded, because the half way point is the point of pride and where we all think we are right, instead of learning something new and coming out of our denial. Coming out of our view that only reflect our dilemma on the inside. Without recognizing what beauty and love truly are and then finding it in yourself, you can’t possibly understand it. If you don’t understand it then you miss out on a lot of opportunities for you to grow. Because you have to understand something in order not to fear it, and then be able not to construe what the words really and truly mean and what that means to us, as a whole. But that is what we do. We try to bypass the inner world which then only gets reflected negatively in the outer world. It creates exactly what you think you’re fighting against.  It creates separation. Not only from us and them but also from you and you. You are in conflict even with yourself. It distracts you from focusing on the things in yourself that you aren’t seeing and instead you project it onto the ills of society, for example. Because it exists in you too. Problems arise when those who seek to find answers think they have found the answers through something that actually clouds their vision as to why they began searching in the first place. It’s a safety blanket, a defense mechanism built from the foundation that you’re a victim and it’s a blame game. Because it’s easier to project it onto other people then face it, internally. So, what irritates you about society? Is this too something that you do or have done? Is it something you haven’t healed thus the need to have control over the issue? Most likely. We are all learning here. When you feel convinced that you know the truth without finding the truth in yourself first, you are not part of the solution but you are part of the problem. Let beauty and love show you their real meanings, by listening to your truth, however much it hurts. It hurts because you don’t understand it yet, but it is beautiful and lovely because you are displaying grand gestures of both words when you take the initiative to really want to find it, because you know it exists. The glimpse that led you on this path was just that, a glimpse of what could be, if only you radiated beauty and love from within instead of only noticing bits and pieces of beauty and love, occasionally. You will see it in everything and everyone.  Even on your worse days, because I know I have bad days, you’ll find ways to laugh, for example. You’ll notice things aren’t so bad much more quickly, things that remind you are beauty and love instead, which leads to gratitude for the experience and your bad day doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You’ll go with the bad days instead of trying to fight them. Beauty and love will recognize their presence in your life once you have found it in yourself. Because it is there. It’s just your responsibility to see it for yourself once you have found it and work on cultivating it. Then you can do whatever it is you want with it, but I’ve noticed it is constantly changing and showing up in different ways. It’s really only something to embrace rather than utilize. It’s something we all need to embrace within ourselves then express. Because the expression is where you want to be. We want to express beauty and love in its truest form and that is the goal, and everyone has their own way to do so. It’s not something to use for personal gain, power, or manipulation.  Rarely should it be more than a feeling to be expressed rather than something you act upon. You can’t act like beauty and you can’t act like love. You feel them and you express them. You don’t knock down mountains and take them home with you and you can’t roll up a rainbow and throw it in the car, and you can’t keep something or someone from leaving, no matter how much you love them. You have to embrace the beauty and love in the moment and then maybe later express it through art or music or dance. You can take a piece with you but you can’t act like it is yours alone. You can’t always keep what you love or what is beautiful. But you can remember them. It’s almost like a recognition of things once forgotten. Beauty and Love are not tangible things in which we can materialize ourselves. It is not the super models in magazines, or the beauty queen, fairy tales, or the Twilight movies. It is our natural state. It all reveals itself naturally. All you can do is recognize it. It is what we have been looking for just in the wrong places. Then you find it in the most unlikely of places; in ourselves. That’s why it’s important to find it in yourself because out here you will not find the real beauty or love. Out here you find the reflections of the people frustrated because they can’t find beauty and love anywhere else, so they buy the product they saw on t.v., or buy the plastic surgery, or pay for the prostitute, or support separation through political parties and extremism. Beauty and love are things you coexist with and become a part of. An active participant who allows their nature to come forth in a way that promotes healing rather than inflict harm.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all right reserved.

My studded uniform was up for the challenge,
Skin melts faster than denim.
Looking around, even at the ground,
The blue brick pattern
With benches that pleased,
The few, and even so they wouldn’t converge
Into the void of what surrounded us.
Here’s my pile, of cleanliness
Here’s your pile, of recollections
Things they used to do
Things they used to think
Welcomed like a criminal out of the streets,
Savored their breathes for my own will,
Sucked them in, gave them life, and me thrill
As I slept all the while, dreaming was bliss,
Dreams I’ve never dreamed
Startled my nerves till the end.
My favorite part all the while knowing,
Their feelings and anxieties,
And all I asked for was to be free

The clouds for once weren’t conveying
The wind blowing even the string
That hung our flag high above ground
I wanted to laugh but realized I was alone
Hang your flag, sport your suit
File your paperwork, snap a film…

I watch silently, patiently, knowing time vanishes
I look up at you, who are you?
I probably know more about you than you do
Why am I in the same room as you?
Brains have not a source of transformation here
I’ll only soak up your useless needs
I’ll get through this, but what about you?

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2009).

Near Death, Closer to Life

As I walked up,

up to a familiar figure,

a manly figure and a unique face.

Comfort set in, no longer alone,

he asked to walk further,

along beside me.

I began my self-pity

my loathing inside,

He insisted I was insane,

That I’ve been on the right path.

Nothing came from my mouth,

stunned to hear these facts.

Everyone has something,

you must find yours, he said.

Perplexed was my gaze,

my mind put at ease.

As we entered our destination,

I noticed to my right,

friends gathered, grieving together.

Why aren’t I there too?

Strange, I thought.

We approached a man

wearing all black,

I felt the feeling of loss.

Too concerned with the grieving,

I began to walk away from the man,

Away from the plot.

I took a glance back and saw his distraught.

Unsettled and slightly withdrawn,

I approached the table of friends,

saw me, they did not.

I felt invisible,

and they were consoling one another.

I tried to speak, but realized

I was not there.

In spirit yes, but in body-no

A bright light engulfed my vision,

I tried harder to stare,

my focus slowly became clearer.

As my senses awoke,

All six of them with a jolting shock,

Immense curiosity inflicted anticipation,

Then I could see what was in the light,

An almost holy face appeared,

facing away from me.

It turned, as if in slow motion,

It couldn’t be real.

It began to open its mouth,

as if to speak,

but only fear and surprise it could see.

And it made him smile.


 

It began some time ago,

Vividness so surreal,

Life force I could feel,

Engulfed my soul with peace and love.

Until now those words I could only draw,

And there was nothing to trouble my spirit.

I walked beside you,

Though I knew not of you.

You answered my subconscious diversity,

But not one word was spoken,

Only a realization and understanding assumed.

I walked with you still,

To a neighboring void,

A look to my right that left me completely spaced from your existence,

And with this space created a disconnection,

To the source of this new found confirmation.

And as I turned to look,

You starred back with utter confusion.

And with that one look I knew,

Something greater had taken me from the him,

The source of light you had given me.

And perhaps it was mine, even for that lost moment in space.

All my thoughts were defined with precise parallelism,

The shadows dissipated with only a touch,

But it was mine, it was mine for just that moment.

Copyright Kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved.

(written in 2008)

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