Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “esoteric”

Walk and Roll

As a child

It’s like

rolling down a hill

quite literally

we climb to the top

look at our surroundings

lay down

to start the roll

all the while

laughing

and not caring

how fast we go

until we reach

the bottom

as we stop

our momentum

only to laugh

hysterically.

As an adult

it’s like climbing

the stairs

to only get to the top

to have someone

hitching a ride

so we get sick

to the stomach

and climb back down

the stairs

until the sickness is gone

I wouldn’t drag

a sickness

up the hill

or the stairs

along with me.

as I reached the top

the sickness ensued

I knew I had to

go back down

to throw up

the sickness

because it wasn’t mine

only put upon

me

by prying eyes

jealous voices

bombardment

addicts to the core.

addicted to sabotage

because they

couldn’t climb

the stairs

or roll down the hill

themselves.

We’d roll down the hills

to feel alive

because we didn’t feel ourselves

but we’d climb the stairs

to meet death

and ourselves.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Stolen but not Forgotten

The enemy

did try to steal

from my memories

to pass off

as their own.

The enemy

did try to steal

my mind

my beautiful

photographic memory.

The enemy

did try to steal

my thoughts

to take them away

for good.

The enemy

did try to steal

my soul

but they were weaker

The enemy

did try to steal

my spirit

then the enemy

disappeared.

the enemy tried

night after night

to take what isn’t theirs

to pass it off as their own

it’s evil at it’s core

false prophets

false gods

false me’s

galore!

Tried, they did

so they died

ceased to exist.

But my

memories

mind

thoughts

soul

spirit

all found a home

in me,

the original source

of innocence.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Restore

Prophecy you misinterpreted

prophecy of fear

you projected to the world.

Prophecy foretold

no fear involved

it makes me feel old.

Why do they want

their doom and gloom

and to whom?

it’s like they’d

rather see destruction

than creation.

I thought we could restore

not destroy to create

we aren’t fulfilling

your prophecy

only ours.

 

Where there is

no destruction

only creation.

A true prophet

warns

tried to prevent

the bad things

from happening.

It’s like they

made it worse on themselves

when all was coming.

To make the whole

because what they’ve been doing

all along

wasn’t right at all.

So we’re sharing the time

something of mine

was stolen

and used for their agenda.

We’re sharing the time

because

you can make it right.

10 years of my life

amounted up to two days.

29 years of my life

amounted up to three months.

Nothing is wasted

or pointless

it’ll come to you

if you make the right decisions.

It’s never too late

to restore your fate.

I believe the world

will come together

under God.

Though I’m just a voice

I still made the choice

to be a vessel

of grace

a child of God

and a friend to all.

Though just a voice

I’ve reached out to all.

Clearing up

the misunderstandings

of the past and present.

Not the future too.

Foretold, maybe

I’d rather not know

just show.

 

It’s the feeling

everything’s going to be okay.

It’s the knowing of the truth

without the expression

It’s settles you down

doesn’t make you panic.

Prophecy is

as needed

straight to the point

honest

short and sweet

it’s transparent

at its core

It has no opposition

by the end

because it’s just the beginning.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

 

 

 

 

Storm

Sleeping through the rain

as if it’s just another day

watching a storm roll in

leads me to my bed

instead.

Thunder that only I

could recognize the meaning

the message

you didn’t heed

as I laughed

because I understood

before they didn’t listen.

Rain that would trickle down

as if it was interrupted

from crying

letting the tears flow

as they thanked me

for spirit.

I heard the waters

rush around me

as if I survived

the flood before.

A tree branch fallen

close by

hail that felt like missiles

but I got lightening bugs
 
instead,

all a part of

the perfect storm.

I just want to lay down

and wait for tomorrow.

I trust the storm

as I am the eye

and the calm

to comfort us all.

I heard them

try to control the storm.

I heard the trumpet

sound off

As I held on tight

worried for humanity

as the trumpet softened

at times

I don’t want to know

what happens.

at times I just

duck and cover

marched to the beat

of God’s drum

all along

I played it on a gong

marched like a soldier

into his army.

to prevent the enemy

from taking my body.

all the while

staying in the dark

swaying from the fight

like being pushed around.

except they didn’t know

who they were intruding on

or the consequences of doing so.

You don’t mess with

another person’s happiness

or their fate.

So where were my comrades?

all around

flares I’d hear,

tapping of a

carpenter’s hammer,

taps on the trumpet,
row your boat ashore,

rocket launches,

trains who whistle,

footsteps on the roof,

flashes of light,

my bedside at night,

the animal kingdom,

birds in swarms

or singled out

wind and tree spirits

all spirits

everywhere.

you know,

the ones who

never have to pry

on my mind.

invisible war

but we are the so much more.

You don’t even want to know

what we can do from the ashes.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Thoughts on life

Thoughts of Life
All the screaming and the fighting
all the never being good enough
has left a heavy burden on my stomach.
All the I love you’s and the I hate you’s
all the “I’m sorries” and forgiving
has corrupted my image of love.
All the lies and the lies I thought were truths
all the letdowns and pretending to be fine
have caught up to my blistered soul.
All the feelings I keep inside and the times I’d look but wouldn’t answer the phone
All the silence and nights alone
have weighed me down far too long.
All the crazy thoughts and all the magical thoughts
all the tossing and turning and nights without sleep thanks to those thoughts.
All the blurred faces lacking empathy and the damaging insults
all the ones that have turned their backs
have allowed me to know it’s ok, I don’t need them.
All the distance and the ones I let get away
and all the walls I have built along the way.
All the knowing and not knowing
all the contradictions of my existence
have caught up to my fouled up mind.
All the laughter and fake smiles
and the hatred I spent on others.
All the lonliness and no one to turn to
all the pain I didn’t want to hide but had to
can be blamed for the lack of healing.
All the thoughts of suicide and watching my face go pale
all the desperate attempts that have failed
has let me catch a glimpse of death, and I’ll never go back.

 

(copyright kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written in 2006.

I’ve Learned; Buried Alive

And I keep imagining

you in your coffin

gaining consciousness

at your most vulnerable

alone, scared, and sad

as if there was something

I could have done

something I could have said

in a prayer

just something different.

This guilt being carried

accumulated for years

started as a child

as you made everything my fault

because I was a woman

you never saw things

as they were

you only saw them

how you were.

Just because you felt hurt

by a woman

doesn’t mean I was the same.

That hurt me at first

made me always blame myself

for things I didn’t do.

When I missed a shot

you said it was my fault

so I began to blame myself for everything

even your drinking

so I drank with you

to ease the pain.

But after all that

in the end

I didn’t see it that way

I never once blamed you

or anyone.

But now as I think of you

I want to bury you up

shovel the dirt until I find you

because I miss you

you let me know

it wasn’t my fault

that I was so talented

beautiful and smart

as you cried

I just knew you cared

despite all the years

of not being there.

I think that’s why I want you back

because you became intact

But something mystical took place

I could see it on your face.

I realized how good you were

and how sweet

that is why you hurt

because you were kind

in a cruel world

so you began to mask it

with other things.

So when I picture you

buried alive

it’s because when you were there

you let me know you cared

you were so strong and brave.

it’s just me

in that coffin

projecting my loss

onto you

and the sadness I feel

and the empathy

that made me cry at night

for you.

Because I could not fathom

the pain you went through

like I felt sorry for you

it’s just an image

keeping you in my mind

I couldn’t save you

so I picture you alive

because at our closest 

you were taken away.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Fallen Angel

I woke up

was thrown to the ground

as I clutched my stomach

as if something came into it

it felt like a beam of a spirit

someone else inside me.

Then I walked down the stairs

into another room

where I was alone

I began to feel

all the sadness in the world

and held it in my heart

where I fell to the floor

and broke down and cried

a cry I have never heard before

echoed through my ears

while I cried out

“there’s so much pain here”

as if I was transported

back to earth

from some magical place

where there was no pain or suffering

and the sadness went away

there I learned

there is a place like that

beyond what we see

beyond what we do to each other.

I released it all that day

and as I walked in your room

you asked if I felt better

and I can honestly say

I did.

I was courageous

to take on all that pain

to really feel it in my body

and release it to another world

to be held

where it belonged.

We aren’t meant to carry these burdens

or hold the weight of the world

we are meant to hand it over.

When we breakdown

we forget it’s not our place

but I knew that already

and surrendered it all

to you.

I never felt anything close to it

that’s a fallen angel for you

coming in

to take all the pain of the world

my world

and theirs too.

While it was inside me

I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach

and after I cried

it was gone

just like that.

So I know I didn’t break

not that easily

something else was there for me

something you can’t see.

But just because you can’t see it

doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it

doesn’t make it

any less real.

Because what we feel is real.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; God’s Will

It’s like you moved me

away from God’s plan

uprooted my whole destiny

God’s will.

Except he took notice

and became enraged

with the entire world

I always felt like

my life was wrong for me

like I was meant to be somewhere else

anywhere else

with anyone else.

When I realized the darkness

was trying to sway me

into that direction

and took it upon themselves

to change God’s will

they never though

they would get caught.

But I’m here now

and they can’t change that

I still found my way

towards the divine

I still have in me

what he gave me in the beginning.

Just because I scare you

because your intentions are bad

just because I exist

to become so much more

more than you bargained for

more than you gave me.

I want to reclaim my place

I want to punish you

for what you’ve done to me

years of suffering

wondering why

why I never felt right

like I was living a lie

in someone else’s dream

I want to smash your dreams

there is no hope for you

the dark times are ending

and taking you with them.

I sure I surprised you

pulling through in the end

staying true to my soul

while you play games with others

but I still feel sorry for you

there must be something I can do

I turned my back on you

I saw the tricks you tried to play

taking me away

away from my purpose

to fulfill

God’s will.

You’ll just have to deal

with yourselves

and the mess you made

because now he knows

you’ve betrayed us all.

He’s taking back what’s his

his plan was delayed

because of these games you play

why deny the inevitable

why lie to yourselves?

Get out of my realm

you just make it worse

No what thou wilt

is what you do these days

except you forgot and

He’s back to say

you can’t win this way

you can’t change his will

or hurt us

ever again.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Brain

I feel like my brain

has adapted for survival

like I was brain dead

but brought back to life.

Like an electrical shock

that ran through my mind

to only be revived

because it wasn’t my time.

All my life I’ve fought

for my survival

always clawing my way through

to the other side

because I knew it was there.

The light was bright the first time

taking me with it

while the dark and the light

raged war in my intellect.

No one lost and no one won

we all just forgave each other

as family does.

The second time the light came

I did not succumb

I did not accept my fate

as it was too late

now I wait.

A metaphor for my life

God fighting for my soul

while Lucifer began to like me

as they fought over me.

But I like them both.

It’s because of them

that I live again.

And love can save your soul.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Peaceful Death

I was looking for you

took a wrong turn

into another world

where everything was the same

but I was different.

I changed my mind

and saw the truth

behind our love

and the way it was.

I tried to find you

but the roads and signs

kept changing

into other things

like different places

as if I was there

but my surroundings were changing

which made it impossible

to find you.

I regret that day

and the way I made you feel

I really don’t remember

I was in another dimension

I think I wanted to stay

but you brought me back

back to reality.

Nothing is more valuable than that.

So we were apart

because I became lost

lost in the road signs

that told me to refuse

the ambulance ride

that appeared out of thin air.

They said I was walking along the road

mumbling something about the promised land

except I really wasn’t

time accelerated so fast

they were there in a glance

it wasn’t how you remembered.

You said you were there to help me

and I fell for it too

I do not break

just because you would.

I do not give up

just because you would.

Just because life got hard

doesn’t mean I care

because I am strong and fierce

I am scared of nothing

so next time you decide to track me down

know for certain you are wrong

about me.

Just because you couldn’t watch someone die

doesn’t mean I can’t.

Because I understand death

and would like to be there as you passed on

because there is nothing to fear

I know what’s on the other side

I have been there a dozen times

I hold that knowledge inside me

but since you didn’t understand it

you tried to take it away.

You tried to take away my love for another

just because you didn’t understand it.

People fear what they don’t understand

but I can tell you

he wasn’t alone as he died

he never had to be

because my love for him

was more powerful than all the hurt

the pain he felt

subsided.

I never seen anything so peaceful

as the moment you passed.

Everything became so real

and you I could feel

Jesus Christ in your heart

and God in your mind.

You said I woke up in the middle of the night

and came down to pray with you

like a shadow person

replaying the scene over and over.

The love between a child and parent

is the greatest love of all

in this world

if you can find it

you will have everything you need

to understand

and never fear again.

You can beat death

it’s the last thing we do

and God wanted me to be with you.

Because he knew I loved you

despite everything you put me through.

I did not think of any of that

because in the end

it doesn’t matter.

Almost on autopilot

forgiveness set in

there’s no way I could feel a grudge

so I gave you a hug

as you apologized.

But what you did

was the best for me

now I no longer live a lie

because of you.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

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