Kerrious

When Curiosity Doesn't Kill You……YOU LEARN. More Than Just a Breathe of Fresh Air

Archive for the category “dark”

Walk and Roll

As a child

It’s like

rolling down a hill

quite literally

we climb to the top

look at our surroundings

lay down

to start the roll

all the while

laughing

and not caring

how fast we go

until we reach

the bottom

as we stop

our momentum

only to laugh

hysterically.

As an adult

it’s like climbing

the stairs

to only get to the top

to have someone

hitching a ride

so we get sick

to the stomach

and climb back down

the stairs

until the sickness is gone

I wouldn’t drag

a sickness

up the hill

or the stairs

along with me.

as I reached the top

the sickness ensued

I knew I had to

go back down

to throw up

the sickness

because it wasn’t mine

only put upon

me

by prying eyes

jealous voices

bombardment

addicts to the core.

addicted to sabotage

because they

couldn’t climb

the stairs

or roll down the hill

themselves.

We’d roll down the hills

to feel alive

because we didn’t feel ourselves

but we’d climb the stairs

to meet death

and ourselves.

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Advertisements

Stolen but not Forgotten

The enemy

did try to steal

from my memories

to pass off

as their own.

The enemy

did try to steal

my mind

my beautiful

photographic memory.

The enemy

did try to steal

my thoughts

to take them away

for good.

The enemy

did try to steal

my soul

but they were weaker

The enemy

did try to steal

my spirit

then the enemy

disappeared.

the enemy tried

night after night

to take what isn’t theirs

to pass it off as their own

it’s evil at it’s core

false prophets

false gods

false me’s

galore!

Tried, they did

so they died

ceased to exist.

But my

memories

mind

thoughts

soul

spirit

all found a home

in me,

the original source

of innocence.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Restore

Prophecy you misinterpreted

prophecy of fear

you projected to the world.

Prophecy foretold

no fear involved

it makes me feel old.

Why do they want

their doom and gloom

and to whom?

it’s like they’d

rather see destruction

than creation.

I thought we could restore

not destroy to create

we aren’t fulfilling

your prophecy

only ours.

 

Where there is

no destruction

only creation.

A true prophet

warns

tried to prevent

the bad things

from happening.

It’s like they

made it worse on themselves

when all was coming.

To make the whole

because what they’ve been doing

all along

wasn’t right at all.

So we’re sharing the time

something of mine

was stolen

and used for their agenda.

We’re sharing the time

because

you can make it right.

10 years of my life

amounted up to two days.

29 years of my life

amounted up to three months.

Nothing is wasted

or pointless

it’ll come to you

if you make the right decisions.

It’s never too late

to restore your fate.

I believe the world

will come together

under God.

Though I’m just a voice

I still made the choice

to be a vessel

of grace

a child of God

and a friend to all.

Though just a voice

I’ve reached out to all.

Clearing up

the misunderstandings

of the past and present.

Not the future too.

Foretold, maybe

I’d rather not know

just show.

 

It’s the feeling

everything’s going to be okay.

It’s the knowing of the truth

without the expression

It’s settles you down

doesn’t make you panic.

Prophecy is

as needed

straight to the point

honest

short and sweet

it’s transparent

at its core

It has no opposition

by the end

because it’s just the beginning.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

 

 

 

 

Storm

Sleeping through the rain

as if it’s just another day

watching a storm roll in

leads me to my bed

instead.

Thunder that only I

could recognize the meaning

the message

you didn’t heed

as I laughed

because I understood

before they didn’t listen.

Rain that would trickle down

as if it was interrupted

from crying

letting the tears flow

as they thanked me

for spirit.

I heard the waters

rush around me

as if I survived

the flood before.

A tree branch fallen

close by

hail that felt like missiles

but I got lightening bugs
 
instead,

all a part of

the perfect storm.

I just want to lay down

and wait for tomorrow.

I trust the storm

as I am the eye

and the calm

to comfort us all.

I heard them

try to control the storm.

I heard the trumpet

sound off

As I held on tight

worried for humanity

as the trumpet softened

at times

I don’t want to know

what happens.

at times I just

duck and cover

marched to the beat

of God’s drum

all along

I played it on a gong

marched like a soldier

into his army.

to prevent the enemy

from taking my body.

all the while

staying in the dark

swaying from the fight

like being pushed around.

except they didn’t know

who they were intruding on

or the consequences of doing so.

You don’t mess with

another person’s happiness

or their fate.

So where were my comrades?

all around

flares I’d hear,

tapping of a

carpenter’s hammer,

taps on the trumpet,
row your boat ashore,

rocket launches,

trains who whistle,

footsteps on the roof,

flashes of light,

my bedside at night,

the animal kingdom,

birds in swarms

or singled out

wind and tree spirits

all spirits

everywhere.

you know,

the ones who

never have to pry

on my mind.

invisible war

but we are the so much more.

You don’t even want to know

what we can do from the ashes.

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

Thoughts on life

Thoughts of Life
All the screaming and the fighting
all the never being good enough
has left a heavy burden on my stomach.
All the I love you’s and the I hate you’s
all the “I’m sorries” and forgiving
has corrupted my image of love.
All the lies and the lies I thought were truths
all the letdowns and pretending to be fine
have caught up to my blistered soul.
All the feelings I keep inside and the times I’d look but wouldn’t answer the phone
All the silence and nights alone
have weighed me down far too long.
All the crazy thoughts and all the magical thoughts
all the tossing and turning and nights without sleep thanks to those thoughts.
All the blurred faces lacking empathy and the damaging insults
all the ones that have turned their backs
have allowed me to know it’s ok, I don’t need them.
All the distance and the ones I let get away
and all the walls I have built along the way.
All the knowing and not knowing
all the contradictions of my existence
have caught up to my fouled up mind.
All the laughter and fake smiles
and the hatred I spent on others.
All the lonliness and no one to turn to
all the pain I didn’t want to hide but had to
can be blamed for the lack of healing.
All the thoughts of suicide and watching my face go pale
all the desperate attempts that have failed
has let me catch a glimpse of death, and I’ll never go back.

 

(copyright kerrious 2014 with all rights reserved).

written in 2006.

Never Leave Anyone in the Dark; a look into my next project – a fictional piece in the form of journal entries.

Never Leave Anyone in the Dark; a look into my next project – a fictional piece in the form of journal entries by an anonymous young writer. I just have to put it together and add the fantasy.

(She grew up in a small town in West Virginia where she used sports and school activities to remain occupied to ease to the boredom.  She was never cool but eventually she didn’t have to be because looks were everything in high school, although, that’s not the way she saw it.  In fact, she didn’t see things the way they were at all. Her home life reeked of abuse among other things that were unheard of to anyone she knew.  Her mom was an alcoholic and worked all the time.  Her step dad was a junkie and an abuser.  Her dad was a lifelong alcoholic who caused her heartache again and again while she continued to give him second chances.  Her journal entries inspire the fact that throughout all the turmoil she could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression was inevitable for her but she kept it at a distance while she could.  Eventually though, it creeps up on her through a series of bad relationships, memories, actualizations, a stay in prison, drugs, alcohol, and sex,  all while trying to finding herself. Through her eyes you will experience first hand the chaos yet optimistic attitude soon take a downhill turn to severe depression and addiction that is encoded in her genes. Then she would learn genes have nothing to do with it at all. Never Leave Anyone in the Dark is a stunning look into a series of events that caused a 22 year old breakdown and the toll it took on her.  As she looks back through her journals and accesses that she’s become everything she has always hated.  Never Leave Anyone in the Dark is full of heart.)

 

Shuffling through her purse she began to get frustrated, as her cell phone kept ringing and ringing.  Well not exactly ringing, but making some kind of cheap computerized noise.  “I can never find anything in here!” she exclaimed, as her purse is the size of a pillow case.  It seems to be a bottomless pit every time she reached for her waste of space phone.  No one ever calls her. She could hear it, she just can’t see it! Finally! She thought as the caller Id read Dad’s cell.  Great, what now? She wondered as though they were on bad terms.  “Hello?”  She asked, almost hesitating to answer.  “Hi, is it you?, He questioned.  He knows it’s her, it’s her cell phone, she thought.  “Hey um, what are you doing?” He half-heartedly asked.  “Oh, nothing just got home from class,” she replied while emptying dog food into her dog’s bowl.  “Well, I’m going to the hospital.  I’m sick.  My blood pressure is really high; I just have to go,” as he tried to explain.  “What do you mean?” She snapped, as she pulled her hair behind her ears.  She knew exactly what it meant, it hasn’t been the first time and she knew it wouldn’t be the last time.  “I just have to go for a while.  Can you come over and help out with your grandma for a while, just until I get back?  It will probably be no longer than a week?”  She quickly replied with a slight roll of the eyes, “Sure, of course, hope you feel better.”

GOD! She hissed as we hung up the phone and ended the conversation.  All she could think about was that he isn’t going to the hospital due to his blood pressure.  She knew that was totally absurd. She knew he’d been drinking again.  She found the cases in his bedroom last time she was there to visit.  She found the empty beer cans and the full boxes of beer.  Those are the two shots to the heart when she knows it’s completely real again.  This time it wasn’t a drink at night, it was an endless consumption of alcohol daily.  See, her dad can’t just drink one or two; he has to be completely intoxicated to a point of obliteration.  He can’t live while drinking because it takes him out of the reality that he is already trying to avoid.

She just knew there was more to it than blood pressure, and he knew she knew too.  Her grandmother, who is the epitome of the term “grandma” had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and isn’t capable of the tasks she once could perform.  Her dad is her primary care giver, and with each passing day of his care, her image of her beloved grandmother fades.  She sincerely counts on my dad to look after grandma and make sure that she passes away in peace at her own home.  If she weren’t so caught up in my own life of work and school, which my grandparents practically instilled into her head, then she would move right in, and give her the love she deserves.  After all, that’s what she’s always given me, pure genuine care.  “He is so selfish; I wish I knew what to do,” She thought aloud.

“Alright girl, let’s go!  Are you ready to go bye-byes?”  Bella, her mutt that she saved from starvation, pranced around her like she had a juicy steak waiting in the car.  She is a mutt yes, but a very stunning mutt.  With white long hair that flows like a horse’s tail and a brown spot on her side.  She looks more or less like a full breed herself.  Her face radiates charm, as it looks like she has eyeliner tattooed on, and a smile that never weakens.  She grabbed a few things and tossed them into a suitcase and headed out the door.  As Bella dragged her up the stairs to the car, she realized she forgot a few things, like always.  Gosh, that never fails.  She always forgets her cell phone charger and a drink for the ride.

It’s about a thirty mile trip from her apartment to their house so she especially devour this time to blare my music as loud as she can while floating down the interstate. It starts from the second she pulls out of my parking space, until she arrive two houses down from her grandma’s.  It’s a time where she forgets about everything and just assesses the moment as it is, as she is, without thinking about where she is coming from or where she is going.  All worries and fears are put in the trunk of the car at this time.  Her mind is practically on cruise control.  Some people say they hate driving!  Not once will those words come out of her mouth.  It is the one time where she feels alive and am one with music.  If only there wasn’t a destination to be fulfilled, but that is unavoidable.

Pulling up to the old, but highly desirable building, recollections flood through her memory.  The color never changed, always maintaining that classy yellow and brown paint.  The driveway resembles an old basketball court, which once was surrounded by green pine trees like it was a private sector of the neighborhood.  The grass, which she used to mow, is now professionally cut, as if her father wasn’t capable.  Right across the yard, the old clubhouse sits, like an abandoned dollhouse.  In addition, the garage, which has an apartment above it, looks as it always has, like a miniature model of the house.  She knew before long, she would have to make an entrance, and reality will sink in heavily.

She knocks on the door and there is her grandma rushing to unlock the door in less time than she imagined, as if she was waiting on me.  In fact, that was something she always loved, she was always waiting for her to arrive in the kitchen, but these days you’ll find her planted in front of the television as if she enjoys it.  “Hi! How have you been?” She hugged her grandma gently.  “Are you hungry? Did you eat anything?”  She asked me concerned.  She used to always tell her no, but these days she takes advantage of her generosity.  College life is not exactly like the depth of grandma’s kitchen.  Then again she used to always have homemade dinner on the table no later than five-thirty every night.  Now it’s definitely a free-for-all situation.  At least there are plenty of options.  “I’ll grab something grandma, thanks,” heading towards the refrigerator.

After fixing up a salad and chicken tenders, they sat down at the kitchen table as they always have.  “So what all did dad tell you about this,” She questioned her grandma.  “I guess he said he’s blood pressure was too high, and I know he’s been drinking again,” she replied with honestly that shocked her, and a face that said it all.  Her dad’s side of the family is usually secretive about family issues, but she feels at her age she just gives up.  “Yeah, I think his blood pressure was fine, he was probably drinking all day and freaked out,” She stuffed a fork full of salad into my mouth.  “Who knows, but you know what we have to do later, get rid of all of it,” her grandma looked away.  She just nodded and finished devouring her dinner.

Later, after spending an evening catching up and watching sit-coms, we ventured upstairs to dad’s bedroom.  There we found around four twenty-four packs of the cheapest beer you can buy.  “Why does he need so much?” I really wanted to know.  “Alcoholics think they’ll never have enough, or that they are going to run out,” she reached down to get some cans.  “Grandma let me get that, I’ll get them,” as that was exactly what she needed to hear from her to understand and hope for her father’s recovery.

Pouring all of that alcohol down the bathroom drain really felt like it took half a day, but we were done in no time.  We did what we had to do, and soon after her grandma informed her that she had accomplished something.  She knew what she meant but she just smiled.  “Grandma, I’m going to go take a walk around the block and get some fresh air,” as she walked out the door.  How ironic she thought, she said fresh air, and she was sneaking up to the old apartment above the garage to smoke a cigarette.  She knows her grandma would be very offended if she knew she smoked, and that’s the last thing she would want to do is upset her in any way.  It’s something she’s been trying to quit from the very first day she started, but it’s what she needed like humans need oxygen at that moment.

As she maneuvered her way up to the stairs of the apartment, she noticed overgrown plants and trees she had to avoid.  It was like a hidden jungle into another world she missed due to lack of caring.  Nevertheless, she made her way inside and shut the door.  This cigarette sucks, she thought to herself as she sighed.  As she looked around the room she noticed her old blue trunk; along with old dusty furniture, dishes, and bookshelves.  The trunk was something that she kept everything with a spark of meaning in until she graduated from high school, which then she stored it here.  It reminded her of an old-fashioned beat up trunk they used when traveling in the early days. It was bound together by a lock that needed a key to prop open.  “The key! What in the world did I do with that?” She thought.  She realized that she had placed it in her purse a long time ago just in case. It is a trunk filled with a lot of private bits and pieces, so she’d like to think she’d keep the key close.  She almost lost hope until finally she dug the key out.  She tossed out my cigarette and sat down on the floor in front of the trunk Indian style.  As she turned the key in the lock, she didn’t realize what she was getting into.

She couldn’t believe what she was observing.  Old dance costumes, cards from relatives and friends, boyfriends’ paraphernalia, pictures, dried flowers, notes, sports and academic awards, and of course my journals.  They were all things that life has diminished with time.  She was instantly drawn to the journals; blue, red, and black composition notebooks were all laid out in front of her, and she longed to read them right then and now. A part of her knew they were what kept her sane growing up, as they were her breeding grounds for venting.  “Well this should keep me busy for a while at least, maybe get my mind off things for a while,” she seriously and naively thought.

 

(journal entries coming soon).

 

(copyright kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

written in 2009.

I’ve Learned; Buried Alive

And I keep imagining

you in your coffin

gaining consciousness

at your most vulnerable

alone, scared, and sad

as if there was something

I could have done

something I could have said

in a prayer

just something different.

This guilt being carried

accumulated for years

started as a child

as you made everything my fault

because I was a woman

you never saw things

as they were

you only saw them

how you were.

Just because you felt hurt

by a woman

doesn’t mean I was the same.

That hurt me at first

made me always blame myself

for things I didn’t do.

When I missed a shot

you said it was my fault

so I began to blame myself for everything

even your drinking

so I drank with you

to ease the pain.

But after all that

in the end

I didn’t see it that way

I never once blamed you

or anyone.

But now as I think of you

I want to bury you up

shovel the dirt until I find you

because I miss you

you let me know

it wasn’t my fault

that I was so talented

beautiful and smart

as you cried

I just knew you cared

despite all the years

of not being there.

I think that’s why I want you back

because you became intact

But something mystical took place

I could see it on your face.

I realized how good you were

and how sweet

that is why you hurt

because you were kind

in a cruel world

so you began to mask it

with other things.

So when I picture you

buried alive

it’s because when you were there

you let me know you cared

you were so strong and brave.

it’s just me

in that coffin

projecting my loss

onto you

and the sadness I feel

and the empathy

that made me cry at night

for you.

Because I could not fathom

the pain you went through

like I felt sorry for you

it’s just an image

keeping you in my mind

I couldn’t save you

so I picture you alive

because at our closest 

you were taken away.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

I’ve Learned; Fallen Angel

I woke up

was thrown to the ground

as I clutched my stomach

as if something came into it

it felt like a beam of a spirit

someone else inside me.

Then I walked down the stairs

into another room

where I was alone

I began to feel

all the sadness in the world

and held it in my heart

where I fell to the floor

and broke down and cried

a cry I have never heard before

echoed through my ears

while I cried out

“there’s so much pain here”

as if I was transported

back to earth

from some magical place

where there was no pain or suffering

and the sadness went away

there I learned

there is a place like that

beyond what we see

beyond what we do to each other.

I released it all that day

and as I walked in your room

you asked if I felt better

and I can honestly say

I did.

I was courageous

to take on all that pain

to really feel it in my body

and release it to another world

to be held

where it belonged.

We aren’t meant to carry these burdens

or hold the weight of the world

we are meant to hand it over.

When we breakdown

we forget it’s not our place

but I knew that already

and surrendered it all

to you.

I never felt anything close to it

that’s a fallen angel for you

coming in

to take all the pain of the world

my world

and theirs too.

While it was inside me

I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach

and after I cried

it was gone

just like that.

So I know I didn’t break

not that easily

something else was there for me

something you can’t see.

But just because you can’t see it

doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it

doesn’t make it

any less real.

Because what we feel is real.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; God’s Will

It’s like you moved me

away from God’s plan

uprooted my whole destiny

God’s will.

Except he took notice

and became enraged

with the entire world

I always felt like

my life was wrong for me

like I was meant to be somewhere else

anywhere else

with anyone else.

When I realized the darkness

was trying to sway me

into that direction

and took it upon themselves

to change God’s will

they never though

they would get caught.

But I’m here now

and they can’t change that

I still found my way

towards the divine

I still have in me

what he gave me in the beginning.

Just because I scare you

because your intentions are bad

just because I exist

to become so much more

more than you bargained for

more than you gave me.

I want to reclaim my place

I want to punish you

for what you’ve done to me

years of suffering

wondering why

why I never felt right

like I was living a lie

in someone else’s dream

I want to smash your dreams

there is no hope for you

the dark times are ending

and taking you with them.

I sure I surprised you

pulling through in the end

staying true to my soul

while you play games with others

but I still feel sorry for you

there must be something I can do

I turned my back on you

I saw the tricks you tried to play

taking me away

away from my purpose

to fulfill

God’s will.

You’ll just have to deal

with yourselves

and the mess you made

because now he knows

you’ve betrayed us all.

He’s taking back what’s his

his plan was delayed

because of these games you play

why deny the inevitable

why lie to yourselves?

Get out of my realm

you just make it worse

No what thou wilt

is what you do these days

except you forgot and

He’s back to say

you can’t win this way

you can’t change his will

or hurt us

ever again.

 

(Copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

I’ve Learned; Brain

I feel like my brain

has adapted for survival

like I was brain dead

but brought back to life.

Like an electrical shock

that ran through my mind

to only be revived

because it wasn’t my time.

All my life I’ve fought

for my survival

always clawing my way through

to the other side

because I knew it was there.

The light was bright the first time

taking me with it

while the dark and the light

raged war in my intellect.

No one lost and no one won

we all just forgave each other

as family does.

The second time the light came

I did not succumb

I did not accept my fate

as it was too late

now I wait.

A metaphor for my life

God fighting for my soul

while Lucifer began to like me

as they fought over me.

But I like them both.

It’s because of them

that I live again.

And love can save your soul.

 

(copyright Kerrious 2016 with all rights reserved).

 

Post Navigation