i don’t know what to believe in anymore. My faith has been deterred by the constant sickness i have to endure. Just like any cancer patient, this too, is much like that. Knowing it can kill you so easily after all the work I’ve put into life. I’ve put so much work into my life , mind, Body, soul that if i were to die it wouldn’t be fair just like anyone else who has died unfairly.
I am saddened by my lack of trust. Things just are. I look out my windows and see reality and it doesn’t stare back. Only my blank space of a mind and my ocean deep heart can help me now. I’ve listened to everyone’s perspective….but with all the bad that happens and all the evil in the world I just don’t know. Am I the closest thing i know to God? Well the more i read the more i am just like God, except I’m human and have made mistakes. I don’t like how religion is because it doesn’t’ bring me hope anymore. I do not find peace, i find conflict in it all.
I am really upset because of the things that have happened to me in the past especially the rape and attempted murder….no one around me cares and i have had to live knowing that. There’s more pain in the people you thought that care about you and the people you care about….there’s more pain in them dismissing me than the rape ever was. I was raped by nobodies…..but these people were someone to me and all i get is pain from them.
They cause me pain and I’ve always had to distance myself and I’m sure they didn’t know why but because I’ve always had bad things happen to me and had a rough childhood all the way until i had my daughter. My daughter is everything to me but she is not only mine but her father’s as well….i can’t expect things out of her she can’t do. Just like people shouldn’t expect things from me that i can’t do. I still have my inner child but the snake found out and tried to take it away…
I had a dream i was a little girl and my name was Gia and i opened my closet door and a snake stood up all prideful and then slivered away and turned into a black snake and ran from me like he was scared of me. (It looked just like the Egyptian snake statue they have). SATAN himself. So the next day i saw a black snake in the yard and it stood up and looked at me and i just smiled and kept walking and told it not to follow me. For some reason i can fight demons and stuff but where’s my allies?
I give up because who am i fighting for if no one cares about me or my lack of justice? Who am i doing it for? My family i suppose. They are the only good things that’s happened to me but since the demons attacked i can’t see straight. Wish it would end. So I can have a lovely life. The devil wants me a lone but i’m not .