I wonder
That since God knows
What they did to me is what
They’d do to him
I wonder why I don’t turn
To the enemy
Because they were never mine enemy
To begin with
Never did I listen
Or do what they say
And since they aren’t my enemy
I can’t even turn to them in vengeance
Towards God
Not even out of anger
Can I….
And Therein lies the mystery
His mystery
To protect me
But when I try to find some selfish part
Of God
It is the not knowing
I’m not used to
It is the lack
Of communication
But I see…
That even when I try to find a way
To rage war with God
I cannot
I can try to hurt myself to spite him
But after being saved
What’s the point
I can beg for death
I can beg not to exist
I can lash out
But I’m still stuck here
And by no accord did I have to learn that
But I really don’t want to be here
And that is the selfish part of God
Not taking me
That his plans have to be unfolding
To keep me here
Yet I don’t care
I have to train myself to give a shit
Yet there’s beauty
That makes me
Not some promise of a future
But the need to follow through
On his individual plans with me
That only I understand
