So here is where things get interesting. Where my imagination seems to override everything I know to be true but I was forced to face revelations. Hear the marching trying to find me to sacrifice me to take me away. But I was invisible. These are things I canNot comprehend even though in the moment I didn’t even try. A been part of me just knew. And it’s more like those YouTube videos helped me rather than her to me in the end. Because I was able to recognize the behavior. I honestly Heard things that were not there. Lots and lots of things. Maybe it wasn’t significant to you but it was to me. It felt like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Not in a bad way or naïve way but simply something I’ve been waiting for my whole entire life. Like I was always just waiting for that moment And come to find out it was schizophrenia. That if I take it real hard look at it and myself it was my imagination coming to life literally I could hear them I could do everything but see them since my eyes was closed. But all it did was strengthen my so and come to find out it was schizophrenia. That if I take it real hard look at it and myself it was my imagination coming to life literally I could hear them I could do everything but see them since my eyes was closed. But all it did was strengthen my soul. Schizophrenia has strengthened my soul schizophrenia was my cure. Although many do not understand it I refused understand it it was a moment of destiny and no that’s not delusions of grander but simply exactly what I was looking for but not searching for I was looking for something different something out of the normal to occur like I’ve been waiting my whole life. And what I mean by schizophrenia being my care and strengthening my soul is that it really propelled me into being prepared for anything and matured me emotionally. The only thing are the voices are pointless. That I get stronger every single day and if I don’t drink I don’t have to start all over. I can build a strong foundation and build upon the foundation and build and build and build and build until I have enough strength enough power to overcome the voices to overcome schizophrenia. I was just offended by the bipolar diagnosis but is bipolar depression. That’s my belt of schizophrenia that night didn’t hurt anybody but I did come on like an onslaught fueled by my hatred towards those boys. It was fueled by hatred and revenge and retaliating it was self-defense mechanism. So I know I was in control of the whole thing I do that’s why I was laughing the whole time laughing at myself because that’s one of the best things I can do most of the time that I reminded myself of a demon and I kept the darkness conscious. But these days when I am fueled by hatred in retaliation it’s turned into something beautiful a photographic memory instead of full on hallucinations. That with alchemy I can do anything and it’s a cure because now I have my own playground and it’s not labeled hallucinations but a photographic memory That there are miracles of curing in my life and I don’t even know what yet. Beautiful photographic colorful memory. That I just have to admit to myself that I have schizophrenia and bipolar and that it’s not the death of me it’s actually very special. That I’ve never experienced such magic in my life real natural magic. And cures to go along with it and better doors to open. That I know a lot of this developed along side spells. And being targeted and hearing the voices. But I never experienced myself in such dimensions like I was everywhere at once or being seen through somebody else’s eyes and I can’t help but to attribute those times as if I was a demon. And not a nasty one. But simply one not afraid to just do the right thing but I am a dark angel in the end. The only voice that was left was the one fighting all the injustices in the world and those boys just happened to be treating me unfairly. Very unfairly and then taking a vantage of me as I lie there mentally ill and delusional I was blinded by rose-colored glasses. And I sure as hell was acting like a demon. But you can trust me when I say it was all me. And I loved him more than anything in the world and I would’ve done anything for him besides murder. But I saw that get dashed along with my hope that we would be together. That anyone who takes a look at my past and doesn’t love me is ridiculous. Because of my previous post I explained everything.But those were the demon days And then during another schizophrenic episode I saw him on TV trying to murder me as if his soul mission in life was to murder me a demon the very same demon that is only a lucid dreamer that all my experiences can be chalked up to lucid dreaming and excuse me for coming to you while you’re being molested. You would think someone would appreciate that but like anything else demons are just used and will always have each other’s back’s the funny thing is they think they can get away with it.But I loved him I really did so it really hurts when the thing I love most in this world tried to kill me and it broke my heart and I couldn’t get out of bed for months after the fact after I got out of Outer Banks. It just feels stolen It feels very stolen but that’s the most true to myself I ever felt in my entire life and if I was a demon so be it. But that’s honestly and sincerely the most true to myself I have ever been in my entire life was with him. But that’s in the past and he made sure of that. He crushed my dreams in more ways than you can imagine. I don’t think anybody has the slightest clue just how much I loved him. It was an all encompassing an overwhelming authority. That was my one opportunity in life and he ruined it. I still remember waking up and laughing like children just because we were together and having fun and we were really close and fun like that. He promised me an interesting life and I took his word for it but when I had build that foundation to do so he turned his back on me for no apparent reason other than a moment of weakness. But one someone’s in your face strangling you to death that changes everything. Makes him a coward and Kerry doesn’t date cowards. Or murderers. That I loved him so much that I honestly thought God was keeping him alive especially for me that Surely both of our several attempts and brushes with death meant nothing anymore it was like we were given new life in the garden. I hate Japan.