Sometime ago I remember sitting outside in a chair and just realizing for the first time in years I did not have anxiety. I was like so this is it? I life with no anxiety is something that I had to get used to. It literally feels like you’re dying like take away all the anxiety and then what kind of feelings do you have calmness and kindness. Poised and stoic. That I did have crippling anxiety and there was a cure maybe not a quick one and maybe not an endless line but for right there in that moment of time it’s like I was looking for it always looking over my shoulder for that anxiety come back. Constantly looking over my shoulder constantly looking inside myself racking my brain my body as if it was hiding somewhere just waiting to come out and speak to me again and spook me. As if that spares would come back.It’s like me but on speed. Who would want that? Homemade speed anxiety. Like your thoughts are on mile ahead of you and you’re just trying to catch up like your emotions are miles ahead of you and your mind is just trying to get dragged with it. It’s funny really that if people knew what was going on inside me what they feel sorry for me? What they laugh? Would they understand? What they understand I have not developed my excitement due to being abused every time I was excited like a dog. That my anxiety formed in a way that resembled excitement and I just couldn’t keep up with it I wouldn’t let myself be excited because it’s too fast for me. That I really don’t mind attention but my mind was telling me otherwise my anxiety was telling me that I was scared? Although I was not maybe a little unprepared but my mom said it would go away the more you prepare. So every day I would prepare a little bit more and work we’ll get a little bit better little bit better and then the drinking. That I could not drink and be professional at the same time because I was done living two lives I was done so I’d walk around of a guilty conscience all day for no apparent reason other then I was lying to myself. Lying to myself over and over and over again and I just got darker and darker and darker and darker and darker and darker because I cannot take being bullied. So it was a long road but I always escape the bullying. So maybe this time around I can break the cycle if I don’t hurt myself again. But I would lie to myself and I hate some of the things I did and who I did it with. I hate that I thought it was OK. Even though I learned every time that it wasn’t OK I still kept trying to change it change the past with the present. As it magically I would start to feel differently about it therefore brainwashing myself and I definitely brainwash myself when it comes to alcohol and marijuana because you think it’s going to be different but you can’t change the past or the present and you don’t want that person to be your future. And if you really want a bright future start living in the presentThat future. But I still don’t feel ready I don’t feel ready to go back to work I do feel disabled and I was denied disability again. I mean I hear voices 24 seven and I don’t care if that’s a secret or not because it’s something that needs a cure and I’ll keep spreading awareness and I’ll keep opening myself up to the truth and relate the best that I can relay itFor Sone day there might be a cure. But it’s really hard to go see another doctor when five doctors already said I was disabled. It’s just I’ve been taken away so many times that it’s illegal and they still do it which makes me a targeted individual that people literally break the law to see me drowned. That honestly they did this to me by sticking me in the mental ward so many times but I made the best of it because it’s hard to draw the line between my own personal work and their bullshit. But as I collaborated with them and respect them they did not respect me and they thought I was so intelligent then how can I be mentally Ill? It’s like sure I am not ill because somebody attempted murder me and I reported it that shouldn’t be an excuse to lock someone away. But I vowed to be completely honest as soon as I started hearing voices because at least it will be documented and at least every one step closer to figuring it all out. Still trying to figure out why I was kidnapped that day still trying to figure out why why I was put away the first time when I had no symptoms yet. I mean I guess everything happens for reason but at least I’m brave enough and smart enough to go to the hospital when I hear voices because it’s not normal God would not talk to you that way. I could understand if God letting me hear things I need to hear but it really is tactics to attack me and anyone stupid enough to listen to the voices and benefit from the voices are only going to be a murderer one day or an attempted murderer or rapist. So just because I hear voices doesn’t make me a bad person although it does represent that in others. That just because I control this environment doesn’t mean we’re friends it is means we can come exist but we’re not friends or lovers or anything for that matter your space invaders to me. You’re my Star Wars and you know I’m here to kick evils ass. So doctors may not be murderers but they lack empathy they lack the manners and they lack professionalism and they lack the capacity to understand anything different than they are and what they learned. That one face with conflict they just strip you down and leave you naked making you the criminal and now victim of sexual assault. Clearly I don’t think they understand that these voices are not produced by a mental illness or drug habit that there produced right after my attempted murder. And that can’t be a coincidence they were produced because I didn’t get justice because I was attempted murder in more than one time actually seven days in a row. Over and over and over and over again and not just the murder of my flesh and bones but the murder of my mind my heart my soul and I still woke up healed. I am a walking miracle and to deny that would be denying God. I can’t deny my miracles that I am blessed with. That I was blessed in a way that allowed me to survive total terror. I was blessed with the gift of staying strong in the moment until the time was right to call 911 which they did nothing about it and let them go out into the neighborhood with guns and he came back that night and ran out the door with a gun and I heard two gunshots and the police did nothing about it he said he had a police man appointment going on him so I did that policeman and do something what is this brainwashing that is occurring. That there is a murderer on the loose in the community needs to be warned. And there was blood all over my mattress yet he was alive and I was alive. And he’s the only one that fired a gun because he sure as hell took mine away when I got it out for protection not like I was gonna use it unless he made me. So the coward even made sure I had no protection against him as he attempted murder me and the police let him go to do it again while saying I was the suspicious one. I contacted three different states and everybody turned a blind eye like a cloud of doubt was forever spray-painted over their eyes. So excuse me that would make anybody drink wondering why there’s blood all over your mattress and you wake up knowing you were dead. And my resurrection goes completely unnoticed except by the subconscious mind like everybody was just waiting for that. To celebrate my death. Yep.